Confused and Hurt

[alk2006 17]

Me and my hubby of 13 years have been swinging for 8 years now.Allthough it has brought us closer together I feel it may also be breaking us apart. It's at least making us victim to the one sided affair. He likes to video tape me, he likes to call me dirty names and talk dirty. All of that I do not mind. But it's come to the point where I'm the only one being video taped, and he wants to have our company talk dirty to me and call me the names he likes to hear. Usually the company I'm with is to what he likes to see me with. When I want to visit a certain regular of ours, I end up having a great time but he just tapes it and the same old shit ends up happening. It used to be he would ravage me beyond repair when I would perform for him, and now, I don't even get that for my efforts. Something always comes up and we end up arguing. Are we just in a rut or is there some way that I can help him get back the passion for me that he once had, when it was just the two of us and I was all he needed to get off?

[adamgunn 1,460]

Well, talking about it is the cure. He should know your side of it.

 

Perhaps a hiatus would help. Take a break. Find another hobby with him. Reestablish your relationship with him. If after six months or more you're both still interested, reengage with new rules.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

When the conversation stops, things usually take a turn for the worst. Let him know your feelings on this, ASAP. You both need to start talking again and get back on the common ground. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[Numex 2,420]

... When I want to visit a certain regular of ours, I end up having a great time but he just tapes it and the same old shit ends up happening...

First, your husband is being greedy, always doing things his way. A couple may like different things and can get along fine if they accommodate each other. You should ask to play alone with your "certain regular" so you can enjoy it without all that other shit. One couple we play with, both have their own distinct kinks the other doesn't like. For the most part they split off during play to get their own sexual satisfaction. Works well for them.

[alk2006 17]

and since this post I've tried the talking thing and it gets no where.only arguing, manipulation and right back to the same shit.always what he wants to do, and whenever I suggest something I want to try he gets out of the mood and theres only one way to get him back. or we fight. and it never changes for the better. I've endulged in EVERY fantasy he's had and he can't even give me one. I truly believe this will end our relationship. and looking back? It wasn't worth it at all.

[adamgunn 1,460]

ALK, I'm very sorry. Be well . . .

[njbm 2,873]

Sorry to hear. Have you tried counseling? Sometimes the neutral party can help get your position across and break through. Is it worth one or two sessions?

[machiavel55 81]

I have a question.....you say you're swingers, while he's calling you names, videotaping, doing his thing, are you guys with a couple,is there a woman with him, or do you guys only do mfms?

Also when he calls you dirty names, is he playful or do you sometimes sense some anger in him?

[Tahoecple 319]

The truth is you’re in control of your own body. In command of what you do, when you do it, and what you do. There may come a time when you enjoy surrendering that control for some time to your husband. But that’s your choice at the time. It’s also up to you if you want to regain control of your body again.

 

Never let yourself be bullied, persuaded, or intimidated into doing something you don’t want to do. From the sounds of your post, you don’t like the direction the pastime you and your husband are engaged in is going. If that’s the case, you need to put your big girl pants on and take charge of your body. If you don’t want to engage in this any longer, then don’t suggest that he changes. Tell him up front you won’t be participating in the things that are upsetting you.

 

I’m not talking about arguing, fighting, or yelling at each other. I’m talking about laying down the law. Leave no question as to the things you are no longer willing to engage in. Don’t be drawn into a debate on the subject until the subject of discussion is focused on what you’re ready to do from this point.

 

Your husband has dictated what he wants from you, and now you need to express what you need from him if this is going to continue. Before you bring this up to your husband, you need to answer in your own mind what you will and will not do. Be respectful, calm, and straight forward. You're not asking him to change, you’re sitting your own limitations. And those limitations shouldn’t be open for debate.

[Aaron911 45]

The fetish is now the new alpha priority in your marital sex. Swinging is always about the marriage. When it shifts to what one partner wants, instead of what both partners want, the side that is stymied will argue, demean and manipulate, to fuel their fetish. This is because the fetish has become the greater priority. The sex shifted to what you both do, to what he watches you do. You need a counselor, if only to serve as an intermediary, in your discussion.

 

Ultimately, at least in some ways, you had sex in a submissive dynamic because afterwards, the sex with your husband was so amazingly great. The problem has become that he shifted to just being satisfied with your submissive behavior and the incredible, ravaging, paint peels off the walls sex, went by the wayside.

 

Then, and you're going to have to confirm this, is that the woman who behaves as the submissive (you), has gone past the edge of where he respects you as an equal lover.

 

I recall a couple where the husband got so used to seeing his wife role play as a whore, he no longer saw her as his wife. He lost perspective that role playing is who she pretended to be. For him, it became who she was.

 

On the other hand, what do I know ?

 

Woah... that's exactly what I'm going through now. My wife is so used to playing the role of a whore that it's hard not to see her as a whore and I get lost in it sometimes and forget to separate the 2 identities...

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I agree.

 

I think you both need to take a break and spend more time together alone. Then you can get back to the party.