Question for the wives?

[ViSexual 1,008]

OK, and this is a little embarrassing to admit, my wife and I haven't had sex in almost 7 years. On our 40th anniversary, to be exact, was the last time.

 

I was 64 and she was just 59 but she said that it was painful.

 

I figured this was temporary and wanted to be considerate. But, after a few months, I suggested her telling her doctor. She said she was OK without sex and wouldn't want to discuss it with her dr.

 

I still held out hope for years but in October, 10-3-18 to be exact, we discussed it again and she said her decision wasn't going to change. I said that I accepted her side of it but that I wasn't really content with it. Then, after a day or so of her being quiet, everything was back to normal. Well, as normal as a sexless marriage could be.

 

OK, we did swap with other couples in the early years of our marriage. She, actually, started that. Then she decided 'we' should quit. About 20 years later we played online with other couples and both enjoyed it but, again, she decided 'we' should discontinue even that.

 

I only mention those because it's not about being monogamous or anything.

 

My question is, if you wives decided you just didn't want sex anymore, would you expect your husbands to give up sex too?

 

Honestly, I was almost surprised when, last October, my wife admitted that she wasn't going to ever have sex again, that she didn't add that she wouldn't expect me to also give up sex forever. I know that if, for whatever reason, I decided to go celibate that I'd sure let her know that she could find relief elsewhere if she needed to. And, honestly, I'd let her know that I would be happy for her.

 

If I were to bring up the open-marriage possibility, then she'd immediately think that I had already found another woman. So, I hesitate to even talk about it.

[padoc 1,703]

This isn't like having your sex life go kaput in your 40's. You are at the upper end of the age curve unless you live in the Villages so your opportunities to find a willing and functional partner are slim and getting slimmer by the day. You should have had a conversation about this after her initial remark that she was done with sex. In a practical sense, at this point, you may be done too. Unfortunately, your wife made an arbitrary decision, you let it pass for seven years and now you probably have few options. Honest opinion....this really sucks.

[Numex 2,420]

If vaginal sex is painful, what about oral, anal or manual sex? You guys need to talk.

[MrandMrsA 76]

Vi,

 

I was listening to a podcast the other day where I heard a point of view on monogamy that I had never considered before. In summary, the concept is this, when you make a contract of monogamy, you not only promise to have sex with only that one person, you also promise to fulfill ALL of the sexual needs of that person as well! You have both an obligation AND a responsibility!

 

I think the podcast was "Sex with Emily", episode "How to Handle Your Sex Life with Hannah Cranston". The segment was somewhere in the middle, so I don't want to go back and verify.

 

May be a good discussion starter for you and your wife.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Numex, for months we did agree to play but without intercourse. Now I've always enjoyed foreplay but it became frustrating without intercourse as a finish. And, it was sort of obvious, she was just doing it for me. I've never liked charity sex.

 

And I do realize that the wedding vows imply that a couple should always attend to each others needs, both in and out of bed. But, honestly, like I said before, I just don't enjoy charity sex.

 

We know several, unattached for different reasons, women out ages that would likely be more than willing to participate so finding a playmate wouldn't be an issue. But my wife would never agree to that. I asked.

 

I loved her dearly until, when in October we had a long talk about this and, she made it clear that she's perfectly happy without ushaving sex anymore.

 

And, quite honestly, I still like my wife and am going to stay with her but I just don't love her anymore.

[Numex 2,420]

she made it clear that she's perfectly happy without ushaving sex anymore.

 

And, quite honestly, I still like my wife and am going to stay with her but I just don't love her anymore.

Under the circumstances that you describe, neither of you loves the other any longer, and absent a miracle, it's over. Unless both parties want a sexless relationship, it's time to move on.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Numex, I guess that I'm just not a quitter and never have been. Especially when most of our 46 year history has been exceptional.

 

When I ran away from home twice as a young teen and found myself 500 miles from home and broke, I found a job. I never gave a second's thought to calling for help.

 

When I was in Army jump school at Fort Benning and at each morning's roll call they almost encouraged you to quit. I didn't and I was afraid of heights.

 

When I was at Camp Geiger and in Marine Recon Training, when the Marines tried everything to get us Air Force CCT guys to quit, we simply came up with the acronym, WETSU, (We Eat This Shit Up) and yelled it right back at their belligerences.

 

I just don't have it in me to quit. And, besides, what would be the point? I'm 70 and I really no longer trust women.

[introvertswingr 55]

There are plenty of marriages that are loving and happy and do not involve sex. I get that this is not something you want, but let's just put that out there. Also, as soon as she said she didn't want sex, you just immediately stopped loving her? How deep/strong was that love to begin with if you can switch it off because of one aspect of a marriage? That is scary, to me, as a woman who has pain with sex. I have that fear that my husband would do the same thing you did.

 

As for the other person's comment about monogamy also meaning you fulfill all your partner's sexual desires, unless that was agreed to at the start, you can't go unilaterally amending the agreed upon contract/vows now and not expect repercussions. What if those sexual desires involved something the other person wasn't morally comfortable with, are you still obligated to help them fulfill them? I don't buy into that.

 

If you aren't going to leave her because you see it as quitting (which, in a sense, it is), and she is not willing/able to budge on sex-- seems you are at a stalemate. Also, if you don't trust women..... might make it hard to find anyone else to have a healthy relationship with anyways (not said in a judging way as I have trust issues with everyone ). Also, you could reframe that "not a quitter" into not quitting on your love or relationship. Otherwise, it seems you just want to feel like a martyr.

 

You mentioned that she was willing to do other aspects of sex, but that isn't enough for you and you don't like feeling like it is charity sex. Well, to me, that is a compromise on her part. She doesn't want the penetration (which, you guys have no idea how painful it can be when there are issues....but to me fair to you, she should talk to her doctor about it), but seemed willing to do other aspects. We get so hung up on penetration and orgasms, that we forget about all the other sexual things that can be done. Unless she says it is charity, perhaps you are reading into it or projecting. The fact that she was willing to do those things for you, to me, shows she is trying.

 

So, to answer your question: For various reasons throughout the years, I have at times not been able to have penetrative sex (or as much as my husband wanted). I fully expected him to stay monogamous (we weren't swinging during those periods) and to weather the storm with me. I was able and willing to provide him with oral and manual (though still not as much as he wanted because those hurt too). He watched a lot of porn and masturbated frequently (though, he watches porn like an addict, so that may not have had anything to do with me). I have thought about what I would do if I ever get to the point where I just can't do anything for a sexual release for the two of us. I might be willing to allow him to find someone else to have sex with in that case, but only if we weren't having sex or doing anything sexual at all anymore. I don't want to catch anything. I can't answer that question until it happens-- no one can. We can only say what we think/hope we would do. Anyone on here who says they would "for sure" do something is full of it. We don't know until we get there. There are a lot of emotions that go into saying you can't do something and allowing your partner to go elsewhere.

[ViSexual 1,008]

We don't know until we get there. There are a lot of emotions that go into saying you can't do something and allowing your partner to go elsewhere.

 

 

You are so correct! Even if my wife told me that she'd be OK with me being with one of our friends, or even a stranger of my choosing, I have considered how uncomfortable that might be after. Not to mention the potential for hurting that friend or stranger. I've always been the kind to find a solution to a problem and go for it. I've often told my assistant managers at work, "A wrong decision is better than no decision at all". But this, almost seven year now, situation in my life just simply has me unsure of what, if anything, to do.

 

 

You know, there are pills to help you want and enjoy sex more. Well, for us guys anyway. I find myself wishing there were pills to make you not even think about sex.

 

 

OK, thank you all for the input.

[Numex 2,420]

Numex, I guess that I'm just not a quitter and never have been..

One of the most difficult things in life is knowing when to press on and when to move on. No one wants to be a quitter, but no one wants to be a fool either. All the best.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Very well said, alexandsandra, and I don't think I mind having this old friend as a bowling partner. But one of us would still like to also have a balling partner. Even if she agreed with that, I'd have a problem using a friend, which the balling partner would be. And, no matter how much the balling partner swore that it was nothing more than a FWB situation, I'd be always suspicious of that changing and causing drama for all three of us.

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[kwlvr14 18]

When my wife was in mid 50s she started experiencing painful intercourse. After several different doctors refused to discuss hormone therapy, she found a female physician who prescribed bio identical hormones. It made a huge difference. Your wife may benefit with treatment as mine did. The area you live in has female physicians who prescribed bio identical hormones.

[padoc 1,703]

You are right about the bio-identic hormones. They are the chemical equivalent of the fountain of youth in post menopausal women.

[Guest]

You appear to have made the choice for yourself. You have left yourself with 3 options: Step out and find a partner, dump her, or just live in misery with the situation. You have chosen the last. I'd like to suggest something...send her to an endocrinologist. A few years ago I noticed that my vagina wasn't as wet and I went to my doctor. IT had always been juicy and even at parties or dating couples. it was never an issue. I was very sexually active. She prescribed a hormone cream and also sent me to a specialist as I was having menopause symptoms. The cream was like a miracle. The best way to describe it was like when losing your vision and not knowing what you had been missing until you get new glasses. The trip to the specialist gave me some powerful information about my change in life. I didn't act on any possibilities at the time because I had normal symptoms and hormone therapy is a complicated process until after menopause. But, it had me thinking about the future. We eventually dated an older couple, I am guessing your age. Well, she was remarkable in bed and she had that twinkle in her eye for pleasure and sex. When I found out how old she really was I was shocked and she gave me story and advice of female hormone therapy. Let me tell you. I have seen my doctor and wow. It has not only affected my body in a positive way as well as my mind, and libido, and at the risk of being crude, I am a slut for cock and sexual adventure. I feel great about myself and opening my legs to be penetrated.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I just don't have it in me to quit. And, besides, what would be the point? I'm 70 and I really no longer trust women.

 

It would be equally valid to say you won't quit having sex.

 

It makes me sad that you say the love has gone out, but I understand why you feel that way. I agree with the posters suggesting hormone therapy.

 

We do all grow old, but there's no reason to grow old with less happiness in your life and feeling worse than is strictly necessary. Science has at least partially addressed this.

 

I find myself wishing there were pills to make you not even think about sex.

 

That's the opposite approach.

[ViSexual 1,008]

You appear to have made the choice for yourself. You have left yourself with 3 options: Step out and find a partner, dump her, or just live in misery with the situation. You have chosen the last. I'd like to suggest something...send her to an endocrinologist. A few years ago I noticed that my vagina wasn't as wet and I went to my doctor. IT had always been juicy and even at parties or dating couples. it was never an issue. I was very sexually active. She prescribed a hormone cream and also sent me to a specialist as I was having menopause symptoms. The cream was like a miracle. The best way to describe it was like when losing your vision and not knowing what you had been missing until you get new glasses. The trip to the specialist gave me some powerful information about my change in life. I didn't act on any possibilities at the time because I had normal symptoms and hormone therapy is a complicated process until after menopause. But, it had me thinking about the future. We eventually dated an older couple, I am guessing your age. Well, she was remarkable in bed and she had that twinkle in her eye for pleasure and sex. When I found out how old she really was I was shocked and she gave me story and advice of female hormone therapy. Let me tell you. I have seen my doctor and wow. It has not only affected my body in a positive way as well as my mind, and libido, and at the risk of being crude, I am a slut for cock and sexual adventure. I feel great about myself and opening my legs to be penetrated.

 

You made me smile with your saying you're a slut for cock and sexual adventure. I'd probably think I was just dreaming if I heard my wife say that. Your husband is a lucky man!

[Numex 2,420]

. But, honestly, like I said before, I just don't enjoy charity sex..

Off topic, but reminded me of a situation we had some time ago when my wife and I first started. My wife set me up with a recently divorced female friend of hers who just wanted no-strings sex occasionally, and my wife thought it was hot. (My wife liked this girl, but the girlfriend is straight, so my wife got a thrill out of blowing me and fucking me as soon as possible afterwards.) Apparently girlfriend never had a guy go down on her, and she loved me eating and licking her to orgasm; it became a precondition of me fucking her.

 

Eventually after about a year, she found a boyfriend and moved on, stopping the sex we had. Then I got a call from girlfriend talking about her boyfriend, and how he was good, but just not enough. He wouldn't go down on her, and she needed it. She invited herself over and I gave her charity sex, oral only. That went on for about six months, I got nothing out of it other than the satisfaction of having done a good deed for the girl ?(I loved it. And she did let me play with her tits.) My wife thought it was funny, and loved kissing me afterwards.

[ntx_partycouple 16]

OK, and this is a little embarrassing to admit, my wife and I haven't had sex in almost 7 years. On our 40th anniversary, to be exact, was the last time.

 

I was 64 and she was just 59 but she said that it was painful.

 

I figured this was temporary and wanted to be considerate. But, after a few months, I suggested her telling her doctor. She said she was OK without sex and wouldn't want to discuss it with her dr.

 

I still held out hope for years but in October, 10-3-18 to be exact, we discussed it again and she said her decision wasn't going to change. I said that I accepted her side of it but that I wasn't really content with it. Then, after a day or so of her being quiet, everything was back to normal. Well, as normal as a sexless marriage could be.

 

OK, we did swap with other couples in the early years of our marriage. She, actually, started that. Then she decided 'we' should quit. About 20 years later we played online with other couples and both enjoyed it but, again, she decided 'we' should discontinue even that.

 

I only mention those because it's not about being monogamous or anything.

 

My question is, if you wives decided you just didn't want sex anymore, would you expect your husbands to give up sex too?

 

Honestly, I was almost surprised when, last October, my wife admitted that she wasn't going to ever have sex again, that she didn't add that she wouldn't expect me to also give up sex forever. I know that if, for whatever reason, I decided to go celibate that I'd sure let her know that she could find relief elsewhere if she needed to. And, honestly, I'd let her know that I would be happy for her.

 

If I were to bring up the open-marriage possibility, then she'd immediately think that I had already found another woman. So, I hesitate to even talk about it.

 

 

Two points... not sure how long it's been available but there's a temporary lube thing that is something other than just slippery stuff, but had a biologic component OTC and my wife is probably going to get a treatment her gyno told her about that refreshes the vaginal walls that isn't that expensive as medical procedures go. Excitement makes a difference, I've always made sure that we've had some type of lube when we go out for fun and she's never needed it and there have been times I was sure she would. But novelty and excitement in unusual situations isn't always possible and also she can be extremely wet and still have some pin.

 

I don't think your wife would be suspicious if you were to say you were thnking about taking her up on her offer. I do think you're a stand-up guy for worrying about her feelings though. Considering your history I think she sounds like a very enlightened lady and few would make that offer but in this case I think she probably is someone that could be comfortable in allowing that. If not someone with your shared background, who? I bet she'll appreciate your reluctance and it will reinforce her confidence in you.

[rozy161 16]

its nature call that human need sex and at some level they loose interest. no worries to bring someone for temporary.