What is this? Jealousy? Insecurity?

[Seanandem 48]

My apologies in advance if I’ve missed this and it’s been posted elsewhere. Here is our situation....

 

I told my wife I was bi-curious about 3.5 years ago. We’ve been married for 4. Together for over 5 1/2. After lots of talking, and her taking some time to research, she was cool with it. I’d presented myself as kind of a homo-phone before that, so it was a shock to her. She also confided in me that she was also bi-curious. I’m thinking HOT!!!

 

Fast forward a bit... we’ve been discussing entering the lifestyle for about a year, off and on. We’ve decided we want to explore this. We’ve been to Mon Chalet in Denver, and it was our first foray. We had sex in public there, and were both really excited. But no other couples fit what we were looking for. We still had a GREAT time! We visited on on premise club shortly after that closer to home. No couples there really were a good match for us, either physically, or age wise. We just didn’t connect with anyone. So we had sex in one of the bedrooms with the door open for all to see and it was a blast! We went again the other night. I was expecting more of the same...that there wouldn’t be anyone there we clicked with. But that all changed when we arrived. We’d discussed soft swap as our hard boundary for the night. When we connected with another couple, it was starting to get real. Wife was ready, and I needed to talk first with my wife. I got cold feet.

 

You see, ideally, we’d like to find a unicorn to play with together. I know I’m ready for that. And then, a single guy for a bi-mmf. I also think I’m good with that. The possibility to play with another guy would kind of counteract any angst, or jealousy, or insecurities I’d feel if he were to play with her. I honestly find the idea of her having PUV intercourse with other guys a HUGE turn on! But clearly, I’m not ready for that.

 

So has intone else experiences this? Is it jealousy? Insecurity? If so, can anyone give me any ideas on how to beat it? I do want to make these fantasies she has a reality! And, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t wanting mine too. We want to do this together at all times. Love, communication, and trust are all in abundance I. Our relationship.

 

Again, apologies if this is already elsewhere. I searched and didn’t see anything really that close to this. Thanks in advance!

[agreatguy 269]

What is it in your mind that is telling you that your clearly aren't ready? What are you imagining going wrong that is preventing you from moving forward?

[Seanandem 48]

The fact that despite my fantasy of seeing her with another man, I have an “oh shit” feeling when it starts to get real. I’m trying to figure out if it’s due to the fact that we’re all raised to be sexually and emotionally monogamous, or if it’s insecueoty or jealousy. Once another man touches her sexually, or she touches him, it’s not something we can take back. And until I know I’m ready, it’s not something I’m willing to risk. She is my world, and we both refuse to do anything to risk our relationship. So we’re just trying to find ways to make sure we’re ready. Thanks guy.

[agreatguy 269]

Ok, that's kind of what I though your response would be. Just wanted you to identify it a little better.

 

You have to understand that we all have an instinct of self preservation in the face of danger either real or perceived. In some circles(mainly high stress, ie soldiers, first responders)it's taught as the three Fs Fight, Flight or Freeze. In a traumatic situation we WILL do one of those three things to prevent physical harm to ourselves. Cops, for instance are trained to overcome the urge to run away and the ability to keep from freezing up. They aren't paid to run away or freeze. "Scared shitless" is another term describing it and it's what you've described as an "oh shit" feeling.

 

On a more generalized level this instinct is what tells us it's not a good idea to jump out of an airplane even with a parachute or to rappel off of a cliff even with a rope capable of holding several times our weight. There is a nagging voice that is saying "what if". If you want to do those things you have to find a way to overcome that self preservation instinct. That is generally called courage. Sticking a hypodermic needle into your leg for an intramuscular injection takes a great deal of courage, far more so than doing it to someone else or letting someone do it to you.

 

What I described is physical self preservation but the same goes for emotional self preservation. Your fear is most likely tied to emotionally guarding your relationship. The "oh shit" feeling is coming from your fear of something going wrong that might damage or ruin your relationship. Right now, it sounds like you aren't really sure if that fear is real or perceived and that would come from a place of insecurity in your relationship most likely. You love the thought of seeing her with another man but you know the reality may bring consequences you aren't prepared for(can't take it back). You are protecting yourself emotionally and you are protecting your relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all but if you want to get to sexual non-monogamy you are going to have to be sure of your relationship and find the courage to take the step. Only you will know when that is right.

 

My advice is to get more secure in the relationship by taking baby steps and getting used to one thing at a time. You say you have good communication, you should be able to talk about what concerns you have and she should be able to understand them and move at your pace.

I'll tell you from first hand experience, having jumped from a plane and rappelled off of a cliff there is a great satisfaction in being able to summon the courage to overcome the fear. The adrenaline rush and subsequent perma-grin for a week after having done it is evidence not to mention the enduring self confidence boost. Same thing goes with sharing my wife with another man only it's just way hotter.

 

Understand also that some people just can't take that step. The fear is too great and they can't overcome it. That's OK. If it's something you won't ever be willing to risk she should love you every bit as much for that.

 

Good luck!

[Seanandem 48]

Ok, that's kind of what I though your response would be. Just wanted you to identify it a little better.

 

You have to understand that we all have an instinct of self preservation in the face of danger either real or perceived. In some circles(mainly high stress, ie soldiers, first responders)it's taught as the three Fs Fight, Flight or Freeze. In a traumatic situation we WILL do one of those three things to prevent physical harm to ourselves. Cops, for instance are trained to overcome the urge to run away and the ability to keep from freezing up. They aren't paid to run away or freeze. "Scared shitless" is another term describing it and it's what you've described as an "oh shit" feeling.

 

On a more generalized level this instinct is what tells us it's not a good idea to jump out of an airplane even with a parachute or to rappel off of a cliff even with a rope capable of holding several times our weight. There is a nagging voice that is saying "what if". If you want to do those things you have to find a way to overcome that self preservation instinct. That is generally called courage. Sticking a hypodermic needle into your leg for an intramuscular injection takes a great deal of courage, far more so than doing it to someone else or letting someone do it to you.

 

What I described is physical self preservation but the same goes for emotional self preservation. Your fear is most likely tied to emotionally guarding your relationship. The "oh shit" feeling is coming from your fear of something going wrong that might damage or ruin your relationship. Right now, it sounds like you aren't really sure if that fear is real or perceived and that would come from a place of insecurity in your relationship most likely. You love the thought of seeing her with another man but you know the reality may bring consequences you aren't prepared for(can't take it back). You are protecting yourself emotionally and you are protecting your relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all but if you want to get to sexual non-monogamy you are going to have to be sure of your relationship and find the courage to take the step. Only you will know when that is right.

 

My advice is to get more secure in the relationship by taking baby steps and getting used to one thing at a time. You say you have good communication, you should be able to talk about what concerns you have and she should be able to understand them and move at your pace.

I'll tell you from first hand experience, having jumped from a plane and rappelled off of a cliff there is a great satisfaction in being able to summon the courage to overcome the fear. The adrenaline rush and subsequent perma-grin for a week after having done it is evidence not to mention the enduring self confidence boost. Same thing goes with sharing my wife with another man only it's just way hotter.

 

Understand also that some people just can't take that step. The fear is too great and they can't overcome it. That's OK. If it's something you won't ever be willing to risk she should love you every bit as much for that.

 

Good luck!

 

A great guy,

 

First off, let me express my thanks for your time in reading this and your thoughtful response. It takes time, and I appreciate it.

 

We have a solid relationship. We occasionally have communication issues, but overall we’re very solid. Life changing events coming up with more time apart. (I’m moving for my job, so we’ll only be together every other week)

 

We do, and have talked about my concerns frequently. She has minimal concerns, and is able to separate sex from love. She is understanding, and reassures when needed. She is a wonderful woman.

 

You’re right. It’s fight or flight. I’ve bungee jumped. Was scared shitless. And it was an amazing thrill. Maybe the thing to do is just talk it out a bit more. Get specific about my concerns. And depending on how that goes, take the plunge for a soft swap.

 

Other ideas we’ve had are to try to find a single lady online. But we’re realistic enough to know that’s next to impossible. A single guy would be our second best option. I’m not sure why, but the idea of bi play between the guys would distract me from my feelings of apprehension. Maybe that’s weird.

 

Thanks again for your insight!

[Seanandem 48]

We’d love to hear from any others on how to overcome this initial step. How did you and your spouse overcome it? I/we can’t be the only ones to experience this.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Good post Sean. I understand your situation. Even though all systems are go, there is something holding you back.

My suggestion is to go to a bar, have her sit alone where you can observe from a distance. Analyze your feelings as she is approached. How does it affect you to see her smiling into another man's eyes? If all you feel is pride and a tightening in your belt, you are probably ready. If you are uncomfortable in any way, you are not ready. As ready as you feel, these feelings are a warning, best to heed imo.

We were kinda in your situation and I bailed on opportunities for some reason. Then we had an event that could have ripped our marriage apart and she stuck it out with me. That gesture showed me her true colors. Up to that point, I assumed she would be leaving me at any time now. I didn't realize that she really does love me, which is what I needed to be able to accept her doing this.

We were tested when a male lover fell in love with J and felt she should leave me. He is really rich, really good looking, huge dick backed up with years of talent. Overall, a much better match for J than me. I barely flinched when she told me this. I was mostly bummed because we wouldn't be seeing him any more, he was a lot of fun lol.

 

Last piece of advise, looking for a bi man. Be ready to meet guys that are all bisexual until the time comes and you can barely pull him off your wife. Look through the posts here on how to find a reliable bisexual man, it only sounds easy.

Good luck!

[Seanandem 48]

Good post Sean. I understand your situation. Even though all systems are go, there is something holding you back.

My suggestion is to go to a bar, have her sit alone where you can observe from a distance. Analyze your feelings as she is approached. How does it affect you to see her smiling into another man's eyes? If all you feel is pride and a tightening in your belt, you are probably ready. If you are uncomfortable in any way, you are not ready. As ready as you feel, these feelings are a warning, best to heed imo.

We were kinda in your situation and I bailed on opportunities for some reason. Then we had an event that could have ripped our marriage apart and she stuck it out with me. That gesture showed me her true colors. Up to that point, I assumed she would be leaving me at any time now. I didn't realize that she really does love me, which is what I needed to be able to accept her doing this.

We were tested when a male lover fell in love with J and felt she should leave me. He is really rich, really good looking, huge dick backed up with years of talent. Overall, a much better match for J than me. I barely flinched when she told me this. I was mostly bummed because we wouldn't be seeing him any more, he was a lot of fun lol.

 

Last piece of advise, looking for a bi man. Be ready to meet guys that are all bisexual until the time comes and you can barely pull him off your wife. Look through the posts here on how to find a reliable bisexual man, it only sounds easy.

Good luck!

 

 

JandK,

 

Thanks for your words of advice! I think we’ll give the bar thing a try. As far as the bi-guy, I’ve been doing some research to make sure he’s truly bi. Thanks guys!

[Maybe 23]

I check into this forum about once a month. This is one of the best threads, with incredibly helpful responses, that I have ever seen here.

 

My wife and I visited a club over the summer, had a great time and were ready to take the first timer plunge when a situation was right. I had complete confidence that no hard feelings or extreme jealousy would occur from seeing her with another man.

 

Then, our marriage hit a rough patch for a few months and we have not been as close as usual(8 years married). I am sure that we will work through things. But, with that rough patch, all talk of playing with others has stopped. I realized that sharing her with others will only work for me if things are going great between us. If I sense a disconnect between us, I realize that jealousy may also crop up that is not usually present.

 

This made me realize that if there is any doubt at all, don't do it. Of course, I am confident that we will get through the holidays and our situation will also improve. Then, we can revisit what we started.

[Seanandem 48]

JandK-

 

We’re gonna try what you suggested, with a modification. She doesn’t want to sit alone. So we’re gonna try to have her flirt, make eyes at, kiss, footsie, and all that with me there. She just doesn’t feel comfortable with me across the room.

 

I’ll update after we give it a shot.

 

Thanks!

[Tabota 40]

Consider attending events at clubs that are designed for and attract unicorns where you can dance and socialize with single ladies, and just let it go at that. Baby steps as stated before. If you are married and in it for the long haul, you've got plenty of time to get to the finish line (whatever that may be) so enjoy these forays into the lifestyle without jumping off the deep end. Not every couple who are interested in swinging actually get to playing with other couples, today, next month or even next year. I know couples who consider themselves swingers who have never actually got naked with another couples.... flirting, kissing and dirty dancing is enough for them to feel exhilarated and titillated and satisfied with their involvement and go home together strong and happy.

You've been talking together about the lifestyle for a year.... do you feel you will be married 20 years from now? Spread out what you hope to accomplish in the swing LS in that 20 years and don't sweat negative feelings now. Revel in the positive, what makes you feel sexy, talk about your fantasies and let them fuel your libido and what happens in your bedroom between the two of you for now. Eventually, it will become a reality... or it wont, if it wasnt meant to be. Good luck in your exploration!!