How can I open her to the idea of swinging?

[Shinjovial 15]

We've been together for 8 years and I'd really like to add a little spice to our sex life. The idea of swinging or checking out swing clubs is a major turn-on for me. Unlike most guys, my reasons aren't so I can screw another lady. While that would be pleasurable, the idea of watching her with someone else sets my loins on fire.

 

I've tried to get her to talk about it, checking out a club, placing an online ad, etc. I've made it clear that there is no commitment to any particular action or contact with anyone else. If that happens-great. If it doesn't, then at least we've opened our eyes to the possibility somewhere down the road. If nothing else, the excitement would ignite the flames between us.

 

I truly love and respect her - I tell her often.

 

However, she does not want to discuss or even play with the idea of swinging. When I express that the desire to swing is part of who I am, she states that she doesn't like that part of me and the discussion ends.

 

Any advice? Assuming that I don't drop the topic and deny my desires, how can I open her to the idea of swinging?

[Alura 2,773]

First, let her read your post. Add that this is very important to you or, at least, the ability to communicate with her without fear of her getting angry is. As long as she refuses to communicate about this or any other subject, you don't have much hope of ever developing your communication to the point where y'all can successfully swing or even, in my opinion, have a worthwhile marriage.

[NorCal Nites 15]

Originally posted by Alura

First, let her read your post.

 

I completely agree here. Obviously, the subject is something she may be uncomfortable with, but you are very passionate about, otherwise, you would not be asking for assistance.

 

Most people I know are into swinging, or at least sharing once... however, the few that I know that are strictly opposed to it always ask questions about it and realize that the ONLY reason that we CAN swing is because we love one another so much.

 

We're constantly told that we could be brother and sister because we look and act so much alike (I just don't see it)... but that's one of the perks of loving to that degree. Possibly, once she realizes that it's not about having sex with someone other than her, she'll open up a little bit about it to you and tell you her thoughts on it, rather than shutting the door immediately.

[Shinjovial 15]

I feel like I've tried every conceivable way to start the dialogue about swinging. It's gotten to the point that anytime I start to broach the subject or bring up a topic related to it or make a casual joke, etc, she puts up this protective field and turns her mind off to the idea.

 

I'm just having trouble coming to terms with this. I don't understand how anyone couldn't at least talk about it in an open manner. What's so bad about swinging? even if it's light swinging?

 

she's gotten to the point where she's said I should just experience it without her and forget the idea that she'll ever be convinced to swing. I would really rather swing with her present and not with strangers. Being a single male, especially when it's discovered that you have a partner, is almost impossible to find a willing couple.

[Alura 2,773]

Well, Shinjovial, I think your problem is communication, not swinging. Are there any other subjects that you and your wife don't seem to be able to talk about without arguing?

 

When Mrs. Alura and I first met we discussed the importance of being able to talk about any subject (in depth!) without fear of the other getting angry and holding our opinions against us. We promised each other that we would always listen with an open mind, express our opinions, but never, ever, get angry because a question was asked. I think that's the main reason that in (almost) twenty-four years together, we've never had a shouting argument and never gone to bed angry with each other.

 

I guess we can safely say we're in love, but I question whether that feeling would ever have come to be without our agreement to always communicate.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Something I personally see missing here is:

 

Swinging is NOT for everyone. No matter how good the relationship may be.

 

There is nothing wrong with being "normal" in this world either. I know many very "normal" people that are not part of the lifestyle that we so much enjoy and they lead very happy lives.

 

Being able to communicate without anger is the number one step in any relationship and even more important if you are going to share yourself with other people.

 

You have been together 8 years, you two must love each other and have some joint interests if you are happy enough to be together that long. Sometimes changing is not in the cards and you seem to already understand that.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[ricndi032903 15]

Hello, first and foremost, I know I'm going to get slammed real good for even posting this, but oh well, here it goes.

 

Do you love her??? Want only her??? Is she YOUR #1 priorty?

 

Your wife may not want to openly talk, or consider swinging, is because she doesn't want to fuck anybody else and quite possibly wants you to be 'happy' with good old her.

 

Nothing personal, but I really can't stand it when the 'men' keep asking the same old question 'how do I get my wife to swing' geesh guys, if she says no, then DROP it, cause even though you may like playing with fire, do you really want to get burnt????

 

And if you keep pushing, you may be pushing her RIGHT OUT OF YOUR LIFE. So why don't you just be a real man and be satisfied with what you have and be happy.

[hotcpl4unfla 19]

LOL I completely agree with the last poster. Don't let it consume your life or make it your quest. Make do with what you have and enjoy it. Now, if this is any help, let me give you a few suggestions:

 

My wife, who probably would have been the last person to ever want to try this, (at least that's how I felt when I met her) has warmed up quite well to soft swinging. I honestly have no desire to watch her with another man. I love watching her with other women, and she loves being with them as well. I introduced her to the scene by watching porno movies with her. It took many trips to the video store to find out what really turned her on. I noticed she loved (read: got really wet) watching the all girl/ solo girl videos. So the topic eventually came up about her being with another woman. She at first totally dismissed the idea. After a year or so, she suggested she'd like to maybe try it. After ANOTHER year, she started pointing out the women in clubs she would like to possibly be with. Then 6 months later, we had our first experience with another couple and she fulfilled the fantasy. We have been with this other couple regularly for a year now, and it's been a blast. So, the bottom line is, live your life, see if she gets into any specific videos (try group sex, f/f, all of them) and then talk openly. It might happen, it might not. But either way, don't let it consume your every waking moment. Have great sex with each other first.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Quote

Originally posted by ricndi032903

So why don't you just be a real man and be satisfied with what you have and be happy.

 

Because he is interested in swinging and she isn't, he isn't a "real man?" So what does that make all the other men that post on this board? Those that love their wives, yet enjoy sharing their sexuality with others and their wives? Something less than real men?

 

While I am in total agreement with VegasLee in his statement that swinging is NOT for everyone, I think that advising Shinjovial to simply dismiss his interest in the lifestyle does absolutely nothing to help him, or her for that matter, resolve the dilemma they have found themselves in. And frankly, I can't help but wonder if your statements are not on the self-serving side and not really intended to benefit the poster.

 

Shinjovial, I believe the other posters are correct also, in their assessments of possible communication issues. After all, your interest and desires should have equal weight in this relationship, at least to the point where your SO would be at least willing to discuss the subject. With that, I would advise that you simply slow down a bit and maybe invite her to this board with you...to see that there is much more to swinging and the relationships that are formed - here and in person - than merely sex. Maybe you need to refine your approach to this woman.

 

If you haven't already done so, look through the forum on New Swingers and you may find lots of information that will help you initiate communication on the subject. If nothing else, being able to share the fantasy would spice up your sex lives.

[yawanna 17]

With that, I would advise that you simply slow down a bit

 

Absolutely EBF. Here's how I was introduced to this by a LONG gone partner long ago:

 

Him: You can have sex with other men if you like.

Me: What??

 

One month later.....

 

Him: What if I met a woman and wanted to have sex with her?

Me: What?? (heart stops, self esteem shoots right to the floor)

 

I'd suggest, Shinjovial, that you proceed much more slowly and cautiously than &%$# did. If it's truly something you want to do with her, then let her discover for herself if it's something she's interested in. Knee jerk reaction, especially in a previously sexually monogamous relationship, is NO!! and a lot of hurt.

 

That's not a good start. And it may be the end. Back up, be sensitive, respect what you already have, and very very very gently and kindly and no pressure talk about sex...not 'your' fantasies.

[Botcpl 15]

I don't think I have heard of anyone who brought up swinging to their wife the first time and she said, "Let's go for it!" That doesn't mean there aren't, but I don't think they are the majority. Usually I hear things like she said, "How can you even think about someone else?"

 

If you want to build a bonfire, you don't stack a bunch of logs in a field and throw matches at it, it won't light, unless you're using gasoline and that's dangerous. You start with a handful of dry leaves. (Honey, have you ever thought of...?) Then you put on a layer of small dried twigs. (Sometimes I think what it would be like to....) Then you get a pile of small branches. (Thinking of watching you..., makes me so hot!) Now you pile on the big logs and wait for her to set the match to it.

 

Don't be in such a hurry. Some people talk for years before anything happens and when it does, it happens in baby steps (usually).

 

You're thinking of the destination, you should be enjoying the journey.

[frenzb4sex 15]

Quote

We've been together for 8 years and I'd really like to add a little spice to our sex life. The idea of swinging or checking out swing clubs is a major turn-on for me

 

Many points have been made already about communication, and here's another one, with a different twist.

 

Why do you want to add a little spice? Is there something lacking? Does your wife even know this? She may think every thing is fine and dandy! Simply just discussing this aspect, you may not even "need" to get into swinging to spice it up--there may be some ideas that she has to spice it up as well that could be just as enticing...

 

Swingingis not for everyone. If it was, we'd be in FREAKING UTOPIA, BABY!!!!

 

Talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Don't ever stop communicating, even if you think things are absolutely fine.

 

Quote

Unlike most guys, my reasons aren't so I can screw another lady..

 

Where did you get this from? You are not in the lifestyle and you assume this is the reason that "most guys" are in the lifestyle? I don't think this is exactly true--for us, it's a combination of the spice that drives our sex life through the roof, meeting new people that share like interests, and the sexual portion of it is just icing on the cake! Don't get me wrong--having sex with another woman is WONDERFUL!! But it's not the "reason" I am in it---I truly believe that being in the lifestyle was driven by both of us to make a strong marriage that much stronger.......and has improved our commitment and voraciousness for each other....

 

Sorry, I am sure this was said tongue in cheek, but this stood out in this post...so I thought I'd just throw my ten cents in, keep the change...

[NorCal Nites 15]

After reading everyone's responses, as well as reading your "sensitive" reply, and being a little bitter about some men wanting to "cheat" instead of "swing" this morning... here's my two cents. (and you may just have to ignore me, as I'm feeling quite sarcastic this morning!)

 

 

 

What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander.

 

Him: "Hey baby... wouldn't it turn you on to see some guy buried to his balls in my ass?"

 

Her: "Of course, baby... I'd LOVE to start swinging. You know, it's been in the back of my mind all this time and I've been such a prude that I just had to tell you no before. Now that's all changed and I just wanna get off with any human possible, just like you!"

 

Hrumph!

[ricndi032903 15]

Well it seems that "Elusive BiFem" doesn't like what I had to say, OH WELL, she has nothing to lose, no SO to leave or have leave HER. But then again, maybe she'll "fall in love with someones SO" like Sadie did. Or maybe a few more marriages will end due to someones over eagerness at trying to "get the wife/husband" into this, when the word NO is not taken seriously.

 

And it's true, if each person in the committed relationship are truly happy and content in that relationship and NOTHING is lacking, then there is NO reason to go outside of the relationship on the PHYSICAL level, for sexual satisfaction.

 

The wife or husband has EVERY right to refuse to consider this lifestyle if they feel it's intruding on his or her right to a loving, yet faithful relationship.

 

While communicating is great, but if there is any objection to a certain topic, then that topic should be off limits in the act of pursuing.

 

You may have have a passion for swinging, but the real passion should be about your wife or husband. Not your fantasies.

 

And even though I know I'll be slammed again for daring to say this, but somebody does, "almost" every woman in this lifestyle began by wanting to do this for their men, to make them happy, rather that then have them cheat... they surely didn't get into this by their own choices.

 

It's goes this way, realistically, how many choices do we have, cheat? swing? cheat? swing? Cheat. face the unknown, swing, know what you really don't wanna know. But make the best of it.

 

Or just be a happy couple who is satisfied and content with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Ya know people, that's not such a bad thing...

[LadyCleo 16]

Quote

Originally posted by ricndi032903

Well it seems that "Elusive BiFem" doesn't like what I had to say, OH WELL, she has nothing to loose, no SO to leave or have leave HER. But then again, maybe she'll "fall in love with someones SO" like Sadie did. Or maybe a few more marriages will end due to someones over eagerness at trying to "get the wife/husband" into this, when the word NO is not taken seriously.

SHAME ON YOU!

I could not agree with EBF more! She hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned! And yes, *I* am married...

 

I chose not to respond to this thread with the exact words that EBF used because she had already posted what I was thinking too.

 

I think that your posts are disingenuous at best. There are much nicer ways to suggest to the poster that maybe he should take no for no but you'd rather throw insults around. Let's hope that when *YOU* need some assistance you don't get an asshole like yourself responding...

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Quote

Originally posted by ricndi032903

Well it seems that "Elusive BiFem" doesn't like what I had to say, OH WELL, she has nothing to loose, no SO to leave or have leave HER. But then again, maybe she'll "fall in love with someones SO" like Sadie did. Or maybe a few more marriages will end due to someones over eagerness at trying to "get the wife/husband" into this, when the word NO is not taken seriously.

 

As usual, you are quite presumptive in all that you say. I feel that I may have even more to lose in this lifestyle than some couples – just given the fact that I am in it – ALONE. As for falling in love with someone? Who would be the big loser there? I would. And what does this say about your personal self-esteem?

 

Quote

And it's true, if each person in the committed relationship are truly happy and content in that relationship and NOTHING is lacking, then there is NO reason to go outside of the relationship on the PHYSICAL level, for sexual satisfaction.

 

That is only YOUR truth. For others, it varies. Again, your presumptions come into play. Because something is apparently missing in your relationship does not equate to things missing in others relationships. Some people simply enjoy the friendship and sexuality they can share with others.

 

Quote

The wife or husband has EVERY right to refuse to consider this lifestyle if they feel it's intruding on his or her right to a loving, yet faithful relationship. While communicating is great, but if there is any objection to a certain topic, then that topic should be off limits in the act of pursuing.

 

The spouse certainly has the right to refuse, but in most stable and committed and strong relationships, one can talk to the other about absolutely anything…including their desires and fantasies.

 

Quote

You may have have a passion for swinging, but the real passion should be about your wife or husband. Not your fantacies.

 

Another presumption on your part. Those that I have been fortunate to meet are quite passionate about each other. And part of that passion stems from their ability to share and communicate their desires and fantasies. Keywords: share and communicate

 

Quote

And even though I know I'll be slammed again for daring to say this, but somebody does, "almost" every woman in this lifestyle began by wanting to do this for their men, to make them happy, rather that then have them cheat.... they surely didn't get into this by their own choices.

 

I don’t know that that is an accurate statement, but assuming it to be, why not post a poll and simply ask the question…How many women continue to participate in this lifestyle because THEY enjoy it. I think you might be surprised at the answers.

 

Quote

It's goes this way, realistically, how many choices do we have, cheat? swing? cheat? swing? Cheat. face the unknown, swing, know what you really don't wanna know. But make the best of it. Or just be a happy couple who is satisfied and content with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Ya know people, that's not such a bad thing......

 

For your way of thinking, maybe. But again…your presumptions are overwhelming. Reading the board for a year now, I’ve repeatedly noticed others, men and women, stating they would leave the lifestyle in a heartbeat if their spouse decided they didn’t want to participate. Whether you believe it or not, swinging is not the be-all, end-all for most. It is added pleasure to their relationships.

 

Now on another note, if I had a spouse or significant other to consider, and I was as opposed to swinging as you are, I don’t think I would be hanging around on a message board for swingers, nor would I be giving the mixed messages to my spouse/SO as you have apparently done. Further, if I was as opposed to swinging as you are and my spouse was adamant that we WOULD swing, I would leave. Simple as that. Not because of this single fact, but because he obviously did not think enough of me to respect my wishes and desires. I would know there was a much greater problem in the relationship – one having to do with values. His and mine. I mean, this isn’t like…”I like broccoli and he doesn’t.” However, I don’t think that would be the case. Somehow, I honestly believe I would be more than willing to at least discuss the topic and allow him to have his fantasies. Might I suggest that rather than being so critical of everyone on a Swingers Board and the lifestyle they have chosen for themselves... you spend some time learning about the lifestyle, reading the posts from those that are quite happy and content, and investigating the reasons you are unable to come to grips with and/or communicate with your partner about his desires and fantasies. After all...good relationships are built on communication and compromise.

[yawanna 17]

Rather than antagonism - and believe me, I've been in that mood a time or two and that's exactly when it's stoopid to post - it's WAY more fun and informative and worthy of discussion to pose questions, interests, dilemmas, pet issues, silly fun stuff....than it is to egg on posters who are, with all due respect......

 

WAY out of your league

 

Do a search on your nickname and see how many times your concerns and issues have been addressed, how many times advice, resources, suggestions, and support have been offered to you.

 

What exactly is the result or outcome you are expecting from your participation here?

[sepacouple 15]

Ricndi, why are you even here, you continually whine, complain about, and generally ridicule people involved in this lifestyle.

 

You have made it clear that you don't want to be here yet you continue to post. If you don't agree with this lifestyle, then don't log onto this site.

 

Debating a topic is great and is one of the things that makes this site interesting. But, you have to be at least interested in hearing both sides of the topic. All you seem interested in is ridiculing anyone who does'nt feel the same as you do.

 

Sorry for this lecture, but I just had to get it off my chest.

[OhioCouple 40]

ricndi032903,

 

I took the opportunity to scroll through a few of your past postings. I shall assume that this is the female half of your couple. All of your postings seem to be based on negativity for the lifestyle. What may be repulsive to you, isn't to the majority of people who post here. And that is cool, cause swinging is not for everyone, nor does anyone here try to coerce another into it. We all give opinions based on our own experiences and you can choose to draw your own conclusions as to what is right for you. No one can determine that for you, just as you cannot determine it for any of us.

 

I think that it is pretty tasteless that you resorted to using EBF as an example as being one that has nothing to lose. She has everything to lose, as much as you or I do. I can't speak for all swinging females as I've only met one, and that one person is EBF, so I've no others to compare her to, however... She is as much like any of the rest of us, couples or singles that know the guidelines for swinging and has a healthy mind set. Not to say that she couldn't fall for someone, but for that matter, I couldn't say that about myself either. Again, equals in that comparison, however both of us have the healthy knowledge to know that should something like that ever begin to stir, we would back out of the situation, immediately and entirely. Swingers aren't out to break up relationships, they seek to only enhance them, and that isn't something you have quite yet grasped.

 

I'm sorry that your experience many years ago left a sour taste in your mouth, but remember, that is your opionion of how it was for you and doesn't speak for the rest of us.

 

It sounds to me as if you have major communication problems in your marriage that you need to work on and the 'push and shove' between the two, which needs immediate attention. That is something that we can't help you with here. You have to take that first step yourselves.

 

Mrs. O

[VegasLee 1,486]

"And it's true, if each person in the commited relationship are truely happy and content in that relationship and NOTHING is lacking, then there is NO reason to go outside of the relationship on the PYHSICAL level, for sexual satisfaction"

 

 

I love chili dogs, with or without onions. I do not have to add the onions for satisfaction but they do add something special to it.

 

Laura and I have been in the lifestyle for many years. We never have sex with someone else go get satisfaction that we do not receive from each other. She tells me that sex is always better between us anyway but she is a great women that I know loves me just the way I am.

 

There is lots of things we do in life to "add" to our life but that does not mean we are not fulfilled within our basic relationship.

 

The Swinging lifestyle is not for everyone, either are chili dogs. Being negitive about either does no one any good.

[Amy and Mike 16]

Quote

ricndi032903 said "And even though I know I'll be slammed again for daring to say this, but somebody does, "almost" every woman in this lifestyle began by wanting to do this for their men, to make them happy, rather that then have them cheat... they surely didn't get into this by their own choices.

 

It's goes this way, realistically, how many choices do we have, cheat? swing? cheat? swing? Cheat. face the unknown, swing, know what you really don't wanna know. But make the best of it.

 

Or just be a happy couple who is satisfied and content with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with."

 

 

OK...Hi, this is Amy. I really get confused by some of what people say here. Now I dont really know any swingers and their views (hubby and I are only curious at this point), but I can say that for me, all of the above is NOT true! It was me, not Mike who started talking openly about fantasies involving other people once I got the feeling that he would feel comfortable talking about it. That led to us thinking about maybe we would want to act on it.

 

I don't understand why you think that only non-swingers are "satisfied and content with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with." We ARE a happy couple and are totally satisfied with each other! You say "It's goes this way, realistically, how many choices do we have, cheat? swing? cheat? swing? Cheat. face the unknown, swing, know what you really don't wanna know. But make the best of it. " But why do you think these are the only choices? I would never cheat on Mike and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me. That was never the reason we brought this up! We brought it up because we both get excited by the idea. I feel bad for you if your just going along with what your husband wants because your afraid that he'll cheat on you if you don't. That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship to me.

[Shinjovial 15]

Wow! I'm amazed at the response my question received. I posted before on another site and never received a response. Thank you all very much for providing your time and insight. I really appreciate it.

 

Apart from the scolding that RICNDI provided, everyone has great advice and I will take it all to heart. RICNDI has a point to, but I think it belongs is an AOL chat room and not here.

 

Well, I wouldn't have posted if we weren't experiencing some sort of discord over this. It has long bothered me and we got into an argument (before I posted) when I asked her if she would ever consider going to a swing club, just to check it out (for the sake of discussion, it was her that brought up the topic by saying how her friend from work had a blind date and he took her to a swing club). When she said "no" to the club I asked why, curious to understand what bothers her. That's when the argument started.

 

We talked last night for the first time in two days and she still can't talk without being rotten. She now says that that part of me disgusts her and she's embarrassed of me wanting to talk about it and explore our feelings. So, it seems as if our problem is primarily communication and not swinging.

 

I know she has fantasies(black men, women) and I've made it clear that it doesn't threaten me and I'm willing to explore things with her. However, she seems content to keep that part of her secret, at least for now.

 

I would never leave her over something like not wanting to swing, but I will leave her when she can't talk about things with me. I believe in my right to explore who I am sexually, with or without her.

 

Those of you who are happy with swinging, thank your mates for their love and understanding.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Personally, I think that at this point you've let her know your interest and your best bet is to leave it at that. Slow down to her pace and if it's going to come up again in conversation let her be the one to bring it up.

 

If she mentions it in relation to other people then ask her more about the situation and try to draw her out.

 

To me it sounds like she may still be really conflicted about the idea and perhaps bothered internally at the idea that she MIGHT like the idea. Until she comes to terms with it on her own she's not going to react well to talking to you about it.

 

Continue to be supportive and open with all things with her and if / when she decides that she wants to investigate the idea of swinging let her come to you.

 

Remember one of the key rules in swinging is to always move at the pace of the slowest person. And in the end, swinging is NOT for everyone and it may not be something you get to experience at all, and you have to come to terms with that and hopefully your wife/ relationship with her is more important than any fantasy.

[Botcpl 15]

Shinjovial, the more you want something, the harder it is to get. Slow down and take your baby steps and let thoughts have the time they need. She feels uncomfortable about it so let her calm down before you bring it up again.

 

Waiting is.

 

If her friend was taken to a swingers club on a blind date, you might have some damage control you need to take care of. In my single days, I could never do that to someone I just met. Maybe after I got to know her some and knew she wouldn't mind, but what type of message was that guy sending?

 

My wife was all against all of this, but decided to go to a swing club to see how it was. We didn't play with anyone, but we liked all that was going on around us. Not that much sex, but a lot of sexuality. We were driving home she wanted to know when we were going back.

 

You can have fun without swapping. It's fun just watching people on the dance floor.

[sportz 15]

It could be that she was shamed in her past or feels that being with another person or wanting to be with another person (either you or her) sexually is shameful (or even that sex itself is shameful, a real problem!). People who are shamed are very unwilling to talk about the thing that makes them feel shameful. I'm not thinking that you can undo this damage that has been done. Professional help may be what's needed on her part to help her see that what you are requesting is in many cases very natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Our upbringing is very hard to overcome, especially those messages of unworthiness and unlovableness. Your unconditional love is the only antidote that may help, that is, letting her know that whatever and however she feels, you will still love her. She may not believe you at first, but experience is the best proof. Good luck, this may be a really tough issue to overcome, but when you do, the whole relationship should improve!

[Guest gonefishing]

shame on you people and to think that just because ricndi offers a little bit of the why's a cpl shouldn't be obsessing on this matter and that there are certain risks to even approching your other half, you damn her to hell, that's not fair, and sorry but she does have a point, if one half of the cpl is against it, then the matter should be dropped, not forced and cohourced into doing to please the other half, and truth be told, I had been reading quite a few of these posts on the how to's and have decided that perhaps there is a danger in wanting something like this, and if the thought disgusts my wife the way I think it will, I'd rather stand up and be counted as a real man who can be happy with one woman and not be out to count the notches on the bedpost, cause if you all need this to be able to talk to your other halfs and have sex like mad, then this isn't for the normal people that like to be counted ammong that can say yes i have a monogmous marriage and I'm happy that way, and by the way, I love the hell out of my wife and feel down right ashamed that I could and would even think of this, or doing this to her, All I'd be doing is makeing her my whore and that she's not, thanks ric n di for at least having the balls to give a straight story on the real "what if's" and the real destruction this can cause, it's refreshing to heard someone that's not out promoting permissiable cheating.

 

signed,

just a guy in love.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

....professes this great love for his wife, would never do anything like "this" to her....would "feel down right ashamed that I could and would even think of this, or doing this to her," and on and on...

 

Yet...here sits gonefishing on a swingers board...reading the messages. But...make no mistake...he has no interest in the lifestyle.

 

Now, I ask, how is it that someone that wants to standup and be counted as a "real" man just "happens" to stumble across this board, join as a member...read the posts....

 

Am I the only one confused? Or could it be...he's living vicariously and his poor wife knows nothing of his sexual interests? Maybe someone can help me understand this.

 

And gonefishing...do a search...go back and read ricndi's posts...might open your eyes a little bit. Some of us grow weary of the constant negativity. While we welcome everyone who wishes to join and participate, some of us really don't appreciate the constant bombardment of negativity with OUR chosen lifestyle. Everyone is here by choice. If not interested, or repulsed by the lifestyle...go somewhere else more to your liking.

 

I mean...I'm a dog lover...don't like cats too much. But I don't go to cat sites and try to tell them how much I hate cats!

[wvcouple4fun03 15]

What the hell are you doing on a site that promotes swinging if you have no interest? You seem to be full of crap, of course none of us swingers are in love with our spouse, right? wrong! we love our spouse well enough and have a stable, without jealousy, and open communication line to our souls. and if you really think about it, what is your wife secretly fantasizing about because she is afraid to share her views with you because you are so closed minded.

 

Maybe the first thought of swinging gives you the questionable fears, but if you think of it more than once then you certainly entertain the pleasures that are at your disposal. Swinging is not a way to put notches on your belt, it is a way to give to your spouse the freedom to explore their fantasies by sharing them and enjoying them together. Not just living a life that creates a fortress around your intimate feelings and desires. wake up!

 

Everyone can be like everyone else but to share your entire life and most secret desires and maybe even experience a few of them together down the line is a great way to keep that flame burning high, not just a flicker, and also builds a strong and lasting relationship unshakable by mistrust and betrayal.

 

Get a life and live a little.

[Alura 2,773]

Originally posted by gonefishing

cause if you all need this to be able to talk to your other halfs and have sex like mad,

 

We don't need to swing to be able to talk with our spouses, gonefishing. We're able to swing because we can talk to each other.

 

then this isn't for the normal people that like to be counted among that can say yes i have a monogmous marriage and I'm happy that way,

 

We have a monogamous marriage. We only make love with each other. We sometimes play with others. We're happy that way.

 

and by the way, I love the hell out of my wife and feel down right ashamed that I could and would even think of this, or doing this to her, All I'd be doing is makeing her my whore and that she's not, thanks ric n di for at least having the balls to give a straight story on the real "what if's" and the real destruction this can cause, it's refreshing to heard someone that's not out promoting permissiable cheating.

 

If you're ashamed, you need to be fishing, not hanging out on a board for those who are not ashamed.

 

signed,

just a guy in love.

 

...with a woman he's afraid to talk to...

[Buck 17]

Quote

Originally posted by Shinjovial

 

I know she has fantasies(black men, women) and I've made it clear that it doesn't threaten me and I'm willing to explore things with her. However, she seems content to keep that part of her secret, at least for now.

Shinjovial, it sounds like you have planted the seed of thought in her mind if nothing else. I agree with Julie, that maybe at this time it's best to back off and slow down a bit. Your wife is obviously thinking about your suggestions and she needs time to mull them over and think about them. Now, you said you know she has fantasies. How? Has she shared them with you? I might also suggest that you watch some porno movies with her....that could get a discussion going. She may get turned on by them. I can identify with you here. My wife is resistant to swinging but through sharing pornos (which she likes as much as I do) and fantasies, we have come to a state which I am satisfied with and I think she is too. At first, when I introduced the idea (years ago) she reacted much like your wife and as time wore on and she learned to TRUST me in that I would not coerce her into anything she didn't want to do she has loosened up on fantasizing about it. I'm in the "cruise mode" so to speak and at this point I know if she ever changes her mind she will bring it up to me, I won't have to bring it up to her. She knows I would go for it, but at the same time I will not push her toward it. I can live with it status quo at this point because I love her dearly and marriage does involve give and take. She's loosened up about fantasizing and I've not pushed her into amking swinging a reality. Nice compromise point at least for me. When I first started on this board about a year ago I had questions much like yours and the friendly people helped me to understand my situation better and become content about it. Good luck to you.

[frenzb4sex 15]

Hasn't anyone given any thought to the fact that ricndi and gonefishin is one and the same.....

 

Both are listed from PA, gonefishin has 1 post and it is very much in the writing style and rhetoric of ricndi....come on guys, don't fall prey to the "baiting", which is exactly what they are doing...

 

Or perhaps I am just reading too much into it LOL, but to me the writing is on the proverbial wall....

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Good point, Frenz...and I wondered, too, after someone else pointed it out to me. Could be....what...what-the-heck!

[windsor4fun2 130]

Quote

Originally posted by frenzb4sex

Hasn't anyone given any thought to the fact that ricndi and gonefishin is one and the same.....

 

That was my first thought also, but responding to her is like banging your head on a wall.

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Personally, I think that at this point you've let her know your interest and your best bet is to leave it at that. Slow down to her pace and if it's going to come up again in conversation let her be the one to bring it up.

I couldn't agree with this more. Shinjovial, Mr. O first brought it up to me many years ago. At first I was taken aback. The subject was dropped but the thirst for more knowledge about it remained in my mind as I found the prospect enticing..tho I would never tell him that. Eventually (after a few years) I sought out information on my own and then I brought it back up to him. Imagine his surprise! At the time I only let him know it was a thought, not something I was ready to dive into. After much more searching for information, I found him a couple of sites that I had stumbled on and we began to talk about it more. And after a couple of years, we made the first step. In this case we moved at the pace of the slowest partner...which was me.

 

This isn't to say that your wife may change her mind later down the road, but you need to give her the space and time to discover if it is something that she might be interested in too. For some it may take weeks for others it may take years. For me it took years.

 

Good luck and I think you are moving at the right pace.

 

Mrs. O

 

PS: As for ricindi and gonefishing...none of that escaped me either. So much for creativity.

[wvcouple4fun03 15]

Welcome hey buck, maybe she is letting you know there is an interest in swinging and just wants to be sure you aren't going to get upset at her when she wants to further her exploration. It takes two to play as a couple and no room for jealousy, although you will have human and real feelings that you may have to overcome so you too can enjoy the real connection between yourself and your wife. Maybe she is willing to allow you to explore your fantasies too and wants your input. not your fears. Work it our and maybe you too will enjoy life before it gets away. Life is too short to limit oneself to standards set by folks who have never given this lifestyle a chance to blossom. Things are great if you share all your feelings and secret desires. Every man entertains the thoughts of being with two women at the same time and many watching their wives with another woman or man, even men. Many things to play around with together, and together is the key to it all.

[BradAndJanet 70]

Quote

Originally posted by frenzb4sex

Hasn't anyone given any thought to the fact that ricndi and gonefishin is one and the same.....

Indeed, it is very curious that they have the exact same IP address...

[Ola 0]

Yeah, late to the "party". I want to know did Ric and Di work it out. 

[KarenssexSwingcpl986 32]

 

  For the first 5 years of our relationship, you could say that I was a prude. Example: One time Karen wore a shear see thru blouse, I got upset with her because her bra was visible thru the blouse. I was very possessive of her. That changed after a night out with some of my friends. There were four couples and we were all drinking. One of the women was rubbing my cock under the table, and the talk was very risque. I could tell that this group had switched their partners back and forth. The idea began to excite me. At that time Karen was not on any birth control, so, that was totally out of the question, but the seed was planted.
  After a number of miscarriages, she finally gave birth to our first child, and had an I U D placed in her uterus. The idea of swinging had gone away, until she told me that she was sure the two house holds up the road had been swapping wives and the two women had actually moved in with the other husband. That lasted a couple of months, then they each went home to their husbands. We would visit one of the neighbors that were closest to us and would play cards. The old scenario of my swinging friends came back to me. It took me some time to figure out how to approach Karen. Finally I had the idea of asking her to go to the neighbors, braless. I told her.
 “Dale always went braless and you should do the same.”.
   She said.
“That’s alright for her. not to wear one, but she has  A-cup breasts”.         I told her that.
    “It wasn’t fair to her husband, because I got a good look at his wife’s tits and he did not get to see any thing from you” .
   She relented. I had her put on a light very sheer blouse, that I had removed the top buttons, and the one below her breasts  I had weekend to only one strand of  thread, so a slight pull would make the button come off. It was great, her pokies were very noticeable. And when the button finally came off  Bob could see her entire breast and her erect nipple, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. When Dale, his wife noticed, she gave Karen the high sign, that her blouse was open. Karen pushed the material back together, but when Dale wasn’t looking she let it open up again, to give Bob another view. He then suggested that we all play strip poker, but Dale would have non of it. That moving in  between her and the other wife, had almost cost her marriage. This was important to me, because now I knew that Karen liked the idea of getting sexual. After that, we were good friends with these people. They lent us their porn movies, old 8mm film, and they took Karen and I to the adult store in a near by city.
  Then, one night after we left their house, I put plan B to work. As we were making love, I said,
    “Honey wouldn’t you like it if it was Bob sucking on your nipple, and putting his finger inside you?”
   She sighed satisfactorily, it was obvious by her reaction that she liked the idea. After I penetrated her, I said,
    “Would you like it if it was Bob’s cock inside you?”  
   Once again, another positive reaction. When we were done I told her that,  
   “You came hard to the idea of  having sex with Bob, didn’t you?” She passed it off,
 “It’s a real turn on, but I  wouldn’t ever really do it.”
  Over the next few months, I kept it up, finally, I said to her,
 “Why don’t we ask Dale and Bob if they would like to swap partners? I know you like the idea”.
 She said,
“I do, but I know Dale has sworn off such ideas, so I know she wouldn’t agree.”
 I replied
“How about letting Bob come to the house for a threesome.”
  She said,
 “No I wouldn’t do that to her, besides they live way to close, But if we found a male, and I had sex with just you and him, no female, I definitely would consider it.”
 She agreed that we would go to bars and clubs that were away from were we lived, she would look for someone that she was attracted to.
  She did