Fell in Love with a Swinging Partner

[Guest Sadie]

Please I need advice...

 

I met a couple in late May of this year and we have been playing together since that time. Problem is that I am a single female and I have fallen in love with the man. This couple is not married and have been together for 4 years. She has only joined him and myself twice in all the time we have played. He and I call each other, instant message each other and he has come to my home just to visit. Is it wrong to ask him his feelings about me. We tell each other "I love you" but does he love me like a friend or is there something more. Yes, I have played with other couples, and single males/females so he is not my only sexual relationship. We are very compatiable in likes, dislikes, unbringing, etc.; and I have fallen hard for him. What should I do???

 

 

For those who asked yes, he knows my feelings. And yes, they are having problems in their relationship. HELP I have tried staying away from him but only made it three weeks before I wanted to see him again...

[sexypairca 41]

Yours is a difficult situation but I'm confident in the fact that you should stop swinging with him/them, now and for good. These feelings would be difficult to keep on the back burner and sharing them with this couple would likely end the friendship.

 

Obviously the boundaries have been broken, and feelings beyond friendship can be a potential concequence when dealing with human beings. The boundaries may not have been cut and dry, but I'm sure that playing for keeps wasn't part of their game plan.

 

I don't doubt the seriousness of your dilemma but I would not advise you asking if his feeling are mutual. After 4 years together, I would consider him to be a married man, not up for grabs. Wanting something that you cannot have is not wrong but pursuing it in this case would be. The red flags should have been up with the exchange of I love you, I doubt that his significant other would be impressed.

 

Does his partner know about the continuous contact between the two of you, email/phone etc? I am curious to know if this is the first time that you have been involved with a couple that will play solo with a single, just wondering how opportunity contributed to the senerio.

 

Good luck

 

Annette

[Brit_Pair 62]

This is one of those questions that can divide nations and take up all the debating time in a session of Parliament (or Congress). So in the interest of making this reply to your dilemma a brief one, I’d suggest that you have to honestly answer three questions:

 

(1) Can you bear the thought of not having him to yourself, 24/7?

 

(2) Could you live with yourself for being a part of the break up of this man’s existing relationship, even if it brings you condemnation and vilification from others?

 

(3) Are you prepared to risk losing him entirely in order to learn the true nature of his feelings for you?

 

If you answered “No”, “Yes”, “Yes”, then you should tell him exactly how you feel about him, ask him what he truly feels for you, and then together set about figuring out what happens next. If one of your answers deviates from the ones I’ve outlined above, then you need to consider how best to withdraw from this relationship in the manner which causes the least hurt and damage to yourself, and this couple.

 

For what it’s worth, you have my best wishes.

[EternallySingle 32]

I've been there twice. Once with a bisexual female-female couple and once with a married couple. It wasn't easy to deal with the situation with the f-f couple because in the back of my mind I kept thinking "but I'm a man and she's a woman. She'll be happier with me and I'll still let them get together when they want." The thing is, the other woman was thinking the same thing. The two of us (the other woman and I) got together, got drunk, wrestled, cried, talked, drank coffee, then agreed not let her come between our friendship, since we knew each other first. They still invite me to visit them in Portland. I'm going this spring.

 

With the m-f couple it was even simpler. I sensed an attraction beyond sexual from the woman (and for her as well) during the three netmeeting conversations we had and when I met the two of them at the coffee shop, I knew I couldn't get together with them because I was too infatuated with the wife. It didn't matter to me that they were also polyamourist and were considering making me part of their family. I didn't feel right about coming between them because I kept thinking "What if it were my wife?"

 

You have to do the same thing here. If this couple, married or not, are happy together, don't have any problems that might make you think they are breaking up, and are committed to making their relationship work, you are a guest in their bed and nothing else. You always have to ask yourself "what if it were me" before you do anything that may cause someone harm or hurt feelings. Your happiness does come first, but not at the expense of knowingly causing someone else pain. In the long run, if you got together with this man, either he would become suspicious of you if/when you started swinging together or he would eventually drift back to his girlfriend if things started getting a little difficult.

[Alura 2,775]

Wow, Sadie! Playing separately is problematic, isn't it?

 

There's no doubt you have broken the rules of swinging, but that can't be changed. The question is: "Where do you go from here?"

 

If you don't know for sure how he feels about you, I question that your communication is developed well enough to make a success of a marriage, legal or not, with him, even if he is willing to leave the other lady. If he did, would you trust him enough to not leave you for yet another?

 

Is his current relationship a happy one? If so, you're fighting a losing battle. If not, perhaps you can continue the friendship and take a "wait and see" attitude. Time alone could solve the problem one way or another. Both alternatives don't sound attractive to me.

 

Could you accept a polyamory situation? If so, you need to let both of them know how you feel. If not, well, we're back to fighting a losing battle.

 

I don't envy your situation but I do wish all three of you the best. Please keep us informed and feel free to come back and ask more questions.

 

Welcome to the board!

 

Mr. Alura

[NightGoddess 16]

Originally posted by sexypairca

Yours is a difficult situation but I'm confident in the fact that you should stop swinging with him/them, now and for good. These feelings would be difficult to keep on the back burner and sharing them with this couple would likely end the friendship.

 

Obviously the boundaries have been broken, and feelings beyond friendship can be a potential concequence when dealing with human beings. The boundaries may not have been cut and dry, but I'm sure that playing for keeps wasn't part of their game plan.

 

I don't doubt the seriousness of your dilemma but I would not advise you asking if his feeling are mutual. After 4 years together, I would consider him to be a married man, not up for grabs. Wanting something that you cannot have is not wrong but pursuing it in this case would be. The red flags should have been up with the exchange of I love you, I doubt that his significant other would be impressed.

 

Does his partner know about the continuous contact between the two of you, email/phone etc? I am curious to know if this is the first time that you have been involved with a couple that will play solo with a single, just wondering how opportunity contributed to the senerio.

 

Good luck

 

Annette

 

I agree with this reply 100%--- and with Eternally Single [kudos to you for being mature enough to do the right thing when you had similar situations]

Swinging is about sex, not emotionally invading another's relationship. Sorry, but as I see it here, you broke the rules and are guilty of poaching. When you first recognized your feelings, you should have backed out of the situation. Get out now before someone gets hurt. You were invited to share in a swinging situation, not an means to seek emotional fulfillment.

[froggyjenn80 15]

Wow this is a hard thing to deal with. I went through the same thing, but I was the other woman. Except my husband and I were married. It was our first play partners. They got into swinging and then started having problems.

 

Well we had a couple same room sex and soft sex experiences with them, until one night my husband had intercourse with her, which I loved. I never had intercourse with him, we never clicked. But after my husband and her intercourse (where both her husband and I were present for) She told my husband she was in love with him and wanted to leave her husband and wanted him to leave me.

 

Well we had a party at their house in which some things happened and she did leave her husband. She came running to mine. At this time I still did not know her feelings for him. After A LOT of drama between everybody involved, the truth came out.

 

Her and her husband are now back together and are playing with others, my husband and I are still together and strong. But knowing that another fell in love with my husband, it killed me.

 

Be honest about your feelings, and yes ask him about his. If they have 4 years together and are having problems, is it because of you? Is she suspecting something?

 

My opinion is to be upfront and honest...everybody needs to. This is a very very delecate situation...and needs lots of talking and understanding of each others feelings.

 

Well there is my opinion, stepping off the

 

soapbox now

 

Jenn

[NorCal Nites 15]

WOW. Tricky situation.

 

Larren and I sat back this evening for a few and thought long and hard about this one.

 

In regards to the "swinging" or whatever sexual aspect of it that is going on... the sex first should stop. As should the kissing and hugging... at least until they either get back on track with their relationship (as SHE is the one that he is with, obviously)... or until something else becomes of your relationship.

 

One way or another, we both agree that despite HIS knowledge of your love, SHE should be told as well.

 

At first glance, you'd think "catfight", but in reality, I'm sure it would be more of a conversation than anything else. Also, maybe it's a positive thing in their lives... maybe SHE wants more time with you or another partner... that could be causing some grief in the relationship... maybe it's a money or a childbearing difficulty that you just don't know about that is causing them to drift apart. Maybe they're open to a 3rd... Living together with the Man in the Middle may be a fun game if kids aren't in the picture?

 

Maybe the female on the other side of the story is wanting to be with another man or woman herself and THAT's what's causing the problem and she just doesn't want to deal with it because they're "swingers" and that's a proverbial "no-no"???

 

Whatever the situation may be, you need to all three sit down... CALMLY - QUIETLY... NO YELLING!!! (oops... *whispering* no yelling) and let her know what's going on. Ask him IN HER PRESENCE, how he feels about the situation that's occurred and let her know what's going on in your mind... how she's never really been involved, yet she allows him to do this with another partner, to visit, to care, to message, to call, etc. Maybe it's not hte first time this has happened?

 

Either way, you need to find out where SHE stands and WHY.

 

In the end, it's all for the best for it all to come out in the open, regardless of what the consequence or reward may be.

 

Upon my questioning if it ever happened again (as it had happened once upon a time)... his reply would be the same as it had been before... He's with me, he's married to (at the time it was "marrying") me, and we have the history together... when she came into the picture, it was purely sexual and she knew it, yet she refused to let it go. (we won't go on from there, as it was NOT pretty and a restraining order was issued against her later)

 

The moral? of my own story to you... no matter WHAT the decision or outcome of the situation... of who loves who and who wants to be with who... somewhere you've turned yourself into the additional party in their relationship. Don't push if he is not "in love" with you the way you are with him... it will only get you further away. Be happy that whomever he picks is the one he truly loves, and be glad that he will be happy in whatever he's doing.

 

Man, I hope that all made sense. And I hope you figure out exactly what's right for YOUR situation.

[StacyCat 30]

I feel for ya.

 

Ive often had problems, both in swinging and "poly" relationships where the feelings between me and one of the other parties caused a breakup.

 

First, if they are having problems in the relationship, back off. Dont call, dont write, dont see them until they work it out on their own. Having you there will not be a good thing.

 

There are some sexual relationships that develop into something more. There are other kinds of emotional realtionships that develop just into sexual friends. But, when it involves someone else (as this situation) then you need to remove yourself, both to make things less stressful for them, as well as yourself.

 

I have a lot of guilt over a breakup that I was the catalyst for, though I remained friends with the female, it was the male that I had the feelings for. I really wished I had stayed out of that while they were working things out.

[Guest Sadie]

Thank you to those who responded to my post. I talked with him Saturday night and he said we would sit down and discuss this further. He does have problems with his current partner that have been going on long before I entered the picture. She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging. He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me. Reasons being it is his decision on which one of us he wants and I would not ask him to leave because if it didn't work out with us I would not want him to blame me for the breakup of their relationship. He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

 

I am not jealous when he plays with other women, however, I am jealous when he plays with his live-in. He is aware of this because both him and I are very open about our feelings towards each other. When I told him that I would stay away he said that was not what he wanted.

 

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Sadie, first...let me ask you this...why, if you were looking for swing partners, did you even think about playing with this man alone - without his SO? That isn't swinging. That is dating.

 

She doesn't like swinging, but doesn't stop him? Is that his story, or have you heard those words come directly out of her mouth into your ears? While I realize some couples play alone, I don't believe it is the most common situation and especially for couples that were having problems "long before" you came into the picture. And then you go on to say that you don't mind if he plays with others, but you get jealous if he plays with his live in, and you tell him so, yet you won't ask him to change his living arrangements. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

Seems you are saying one thing, but doing something entirely different. And looking for some sort of justification for it.

 

Right, OK...emotions can come out of nowhere and bite all of us on the butt when we least expect it. However, the best thing you could possibly do for yourself and this man and the live-in is to back out of the situation altogether. As in adios! In the first place, if all of this is on the up-and-up, you are being totally unfair with him with your mixed messages (not jealous, but jealous). Leave him alone - completely - to work out his problems with his SO. He needs to decide to stay or go without involvement from you. And really...since he isnt bound to her by marriage and kids and properties, if he really wanted to leave her, he probably would have already done so. And of course he told you he didn't want you to stay away. Why should he? He has her at home and you on the side.

 

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

 

As far as that goes...leave the "swinging" part out. Not many married, or significantly involved men, leave one partner for another and have things work out well. Not to even mention the fact that he is doing something for himself with no apparent regard for her feelings. Do you really want to be in that position 4-5 years down the road? If he does it to her, he will likely do the same to you.

 

I don't know...to me, this doesn't sound like swinging...sounds more along the lines of a man having an affair or something. Sorry...just my opinions....EBF

[yawanna 17]

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

 

While it wasn't my situation personally, sadly I know a number of people who left their SO for a play partner.

 

So far...none have been successful relationships.

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

...I don't know...to me, this doesn't sound like swinging...sounds more along the lines of a man having an affair or something. Sorry...just my opinions....EBF

Yeah, I have to agree, this doesn't really sound much like swinging to me, at least the way I define it.

 

-B

[NorCal Nites 15]

Originally posted by Sadie

***She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging.

 

***He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me.

 

***He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

 

***I am not jealous when he plays with other women, however, I am jealous when he plays with his live-in.

 

***Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

 

OK, in regards to these clips from your last post I have the following opinions. Now, keep in mind, this is just my (I should say our... as my hubby and I have spoken about this once again) opinion, but I have a STRONG feeling that I'm going to have some agreement here.

 

She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging.

Ummm... HELLO. Have you heard yourself? That's NOT swinging... it's only swinging if it's OK with both partners! What makes you think that if he winds up with you, he won't CHEAT on you, as well? He wants his proverbial cake, and wants to eat it, horde it, and keep it from others, too... ALSO not swinging.

 

He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me.

His DICK is talking for him... If you had a brick for every woman he's said that crap to, I'd bet that you could build a very strong house! What makes you think he'd actually leave, despite the problems, anyway!?

 

He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

Then let him be... I wouldn't speak, write, call, bump uglies, etc... with him. Leave him alone. Lock yourself in your house for a few days and just don't even speak to him. If you want him to be happy, stop confusing him with what his pee-pee is telling him to do... let his MIND clear up and do some thinking for him. Obviously, he's not a "swinger", he's a "CHEATER" since his wife doesn't approve.

If he's such a great person, he needs to let his partner know what's up and you BOTH need to talk with her about it.

 

I am not jealous when he plays with other women, however, I am jealous when he plays with his live-in.

Obviously, you're fooling yourself here. He was in a relationship, yet you pushed your way into the "circle" there... Let him have some freedom here... he needs to clear his mind here, and in doing that, he needs some time apart from you whether he likes it or not.

 

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

Do you really think anyone's going to answer anything positive here? It's CHEATING to be with someone like that... you don't just get out of a relationship to be with someone else like that... you only get out if you've been fooling around with them behind the other partner's back in order to have a strong relationship there... And if the person is pulling this crap with them, once again, what on Earth makes you think they're NOT going to pull it with you? Remember, they supposedly "LOVED" the other partner once... huh?

[MattMann 17]

If these things are handled without lying or sneaking around, they need not be devastating. We all know sex is just sex and the hurt caused by cheating is caused by the feelings of betrayal and mistrust the cheated on partner feels. If you meet a great person who has similar interests, personality or whatever combination of similarities or opposite qualities that makes for a rewarding relationship and deep friendship, should you put that person out of your life just because you already have a spouse who you also have a great relationship with? Do you limit yourself to only one friend and end any potential future friendships because you already HAVE a friend? Do you only love one person in your family? Can love only be allotted to one person at a time in you life? The addition of a sexual attraction to this emotional attraction to a person of the opposite sex can be a scary proposition and jealousy and hurt will happen but infatuation also wears off and that person you couldn't stop thinking about or writing to could fade to boredom or grow into a lifelong friend who will always be there for you when you need them (just like marriage goes from the early bliss to a more steady contentment-or boredom depending on your situation). Just keep it all in the open, your feelings, your meetings and don't hide it or sneak around, that is where the hurt, anger, suspicion and resentment come from (as long as the spouse knows your love for them is foremost and not displaced or given over to someone else, just shared). That's just what I think today, of course. I could just be a pontificating jackass who doesn't know beans about anything so don't take my word for it.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by MattMann

That's just what I think today, of course. I could just be a pontificating jackass who doesn't know beans about anything so don't take my word for it.

 

I love that line! Can I borrow if for special occasions? If I promise to return it?

 

But! I have points of disagreement with what you are saying. As for the friendship thing...I agree with most of what you've said. I have a couple of male friends that I e-mail with, debate with...talk about daily and life events...that sort of thing. But sex, and even sex talk, is not part of those relationships. Not even a small part. If you read our e-mails, I don't think you could easily tell who was the man or woman. But we enjoy our friendships. I have other friends, married...and when wife goes out of town occasionally, he and I go to dinner, a play...one night we went and played goofy golf and that was fun. All with her full knowledge, and the same sorts of things we all do together and the same sorts of things she and I do when HE is out of town. Again, in 15 years there has never been even a hint of sexual talk between he and I. When he brings me home, he drops me off...watches to be certain I'm inside safely and that's it. I've never invited him inside, and feel certain he wouldn't come inside if I did. Because he is a married man, there are certain boundaries we just don't cross...no matter how good the friendship.

Those types of relationships are quite different.

And this person that wrote in...they started as "swingers" and she and the man have gone beyond the bounds of that type of relationship, leaving the door open for hurt and pain from the other female. Not good. Not fair. Not honest.

Sex is just sex in some circumstances, but not all. It sounds to me you are talking more along the lines of a polyamorous relationship or even an "open" relationship. Again, that is OK if everyone involved is OK with it, but if one party isn't...then again, in my book...it goes back to cheating.

 

Another pontificator,

- EBF

[Botcpl 15]

Has anyone had the experience when one partner left another for a swinging partner and the situation worked out???

[/b]

 

There is a book called "Secret Lovers" that is about extra-martial relationships. These were not swingers, but "straight" people from the real world. Most of the time, when one mate left for a lover, they broke up within two years or maybe it was one. In any case, it doesn't work out (usually).

 

As far as an open marrage goes, if that is what you both agree to and you don't keep secrets, it can work out. Isn't a committed threesome an open marrage?

 

As far as loving more than one? I have three kids (a cat and a dog). and a wife. I love them all.

 

Of course I might be willing to give up the "pre-teen" for ten years or so.

 

P

[OhioCouple 41]

They key words to me, MattMan, are "In Love" vs "Loving" another. There are many people that I love and care about, only one that I am in love with.

 

IMO, I see the situation with Sadie as being one in which she knows it is not the right kind of love that you have with a friend, and she has essentially answered her own questions.

He does have problems with his current partner that have been going on long before I entered the picture. She doesn't like swinging but does not stop him from swinging. He does love me but I will not ask him to leave his present living situation for me. Reasons being it is his decision on which one of us he wants and I would not ask him to leave because if it didn't work out with us I would not want him to blame me for the breakup of their relationship. He is too good of a friend and I want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

Sadie, think about this for a moment. It is quite obvious that this is causing you a great deal of inner turmoil and rather than be more concerned with how 'he' feels, you need to place more empasis on your own feelings. In all my 43 years, I've yet to see a relationship work in the long run that began when entered via forbidden territory. There is always the constant thought of "I wonder if...or what if.." which usually ends up in the destruction of the secondary relationship.

 

My best advice to you, is to immediately cut all relations with both parties, date, have fun, take care of yourself...FIRST. If this is something that is meant to be, time will take care of that. My best guess though is that you'll meet some "single" wonderful man that will sweep you off your feet and leave you wondering "Why in the world was I so wrapped up in this other person?" And as much as it may hurt for you to hear it, chances are you aren't the first nor will you be the last in this man's string of relationships.

 

Best of luck to you and I hope that you find a solution that works best for you.

 

Mrs. O

[MattMann 17]

Of course, those are all valid points, and again, I may very well be completely wrong. But even if you are "in love" with one person, it is still possible, I believe, to be "in love" with more than one person at the same time. Surely people are "in love" more than just once in their lifetime, so it is not an isolated incident or a feeling that can only be felt with one person and the emotion is then turned off with a switch to not allow it to happen until you are out of love with that person, yes? No? What about widows who lose a loved one but find another to love while still not losing the love they have for their departed? I also completely agree this only works if ALL involved have full knowledge and consent (the other spouse would have to be pretty secure too). Maybe polyamory IS what I am talking about, but semantics aside, I don't think falling in love accidentally should be seen as such treachery and with such terror as to suggest people should turn off their feelings and head for the door should such start to occur.

 

EBF, feel free to use it, but I really think it fits me better than you so I won't worry about you stretching it out when you return it.

[Guest Sadie]

After reading through the posts I have decided to stop swinging and therefore stay away from the man that I fell in love. I hope it's true that time heals all wounds...

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by Sadie

After reading through the posts I have decided to stop swinging and therefore stay away from the man that I fell in love. I hope it's true that time heals all wounds...

 

It does. A little scarring is left, but after a while, it isn't too noticeable. And what's left underneath is a whole lot stronger.

 

- EBF

[LIZA 20]

I may be of an unpopular opinion, but I think if they are not married and have no kids, he is pretty much open season. Not thay he will want you in the way you want him, but no harm in trying

 

What was his girlfriend expecting letting him fuck around with her permission anyway? That are not what I would call swingers

[NorCal Nites 15]

Originally posted by LIZA

What was his girlfriend expecting letting him fuck around with her permission anyway? That are not what I would call swingers

 

I think you missed where "Sadie" mentioned that the girlfriend does NOT approve... therefore, it is NOT swinging to begin with.

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by LIZA

I may be of an unpopular opinion, but I think if they are not married and have no kids, he is pretty much open season. Not thay he will want you in the way you want him, but no harm in trying

I have to disagree with this, simply because many couples are commited to each other in every day life, no kids, but do not have a piece of paper that state that they legally can share the same name, for whatever reason.

 

My husband and I lived together for six years before making it legal, however we were fully commited to each other during that time. Adding the peice of paper was a technicality, not a need to confirm to the world our commitment to each other. All of our friends, family and acquaintances saw us as committed all along, in fact when we did get married, many made the statement, "You mean ya'll weren't married all along?" The piece of paper did not make a committment, the actions did.

 

Your opinion sounds more like high school dating and not that of mature adults.

[Guest Sadie]

I think some people are missing the point that I was asking advice about. I met this couple through a swing club…he swings and she does not swing but she attends the club and is okay with him swinging. Problem arose when I fell in love with him and told him and he responded in kind. She is aware that we love each other and is trying to end my contact with him. He is conflicted because he loves us both but him and her having been having on-going difficulty even before I came into the picture. He is trying to process through the situation and decide whether he wants to ask her to move out. What she is not aware of is the amount of time that we spend talking on the phone and Internet. She claims she is not having problems with him swinging but only having problems with me. I think that she is jealous of any swinging or relationships he has with another woman. I will stay away for the present time but I will NOT stop him from calling or coming to see me. He is an adult and that way it’s his decision.

[RMRx2 24]

Originally posted by Sadie

I will stay away for the present time but I will NOT stop him from calling or coming to see me. He is an adult and that way it’s his decision.

 

After reading through the posts I have decided to stop swinging and therefore stay away from the man that I fell in love. I hope it's true that time heals all wounds...

 

Yes you did ask for advice and have gotten it. Honest heartfelt advice.. From what I have read here, that request for advice was largely understood correctly.

 

"Staying away" and allowing him to call and/or contact you is NOT staying away. You are fooling yourself, and my guess, not even all that convincingly. You know he wants to continue to see you and to say you will not stop him from what he wants to do as an adult is a cop out.

 

I am sorry to be somewhat blunt, but you want to shift the responsibility for this to him, his SO, anyone but you, in the statement "He is an adult and that way it is his decision". All parties in this three way mess share equal responsibility. No one said NO, STOP THIS

 

I am not someone who is throwing stones from a glass house without some expierence and even some empathy. In my youth, I had some affairs, I hurt people, and I allowed myself to fall in love with one woman. It took awhile to own that which was mine honestly. It wasn't swinging, but this situation is not truley swinging either, and many have said that. BTW, it ended horribly.

 

You not going to make it any better for yourself to allow him access to you. You talk of getting over it, but seeing him, being the bait for him to follow,,,,,,,and he will,,,,,,is not going to be good for you or him in the end. If there is some grand master soulmate plan in the universe, and if, as in a movie, you were meant to be together,,,,,,,,,,then in time,,,,,,,,,a long time,,,,,with both of you moving forward separately and taking care of yourselves first,,,,,,,if you believe in hollywood,,,,,you will hook up again. In the meantime,,,,,,,,,,doing what is best for you,,,,,,,not easy,but best,,,,,,,will be the way to your future happiness,,.

 

I feel your pain,,,,,,,and to Kathy,,,,,,,where ever you are,,,,,,I will always be sorry and hope you are well.

 

 

Sincerely, best of wishes.

rmrx2

[wrnakedru 38]

but in my mind, none of you are "swingers".

 

And you are no different from the girlfriend. You are both enablers to this jerk who wants only to follow the whims of his body parts.

 

He is supposedly in a commited relationship with his girlfriend, but what kind of a man will pursue pleasures of the flesh in a manner his partner wants no part of?

 

And the girlfriend is as lacking in brain power as he is lacking in moral scruples. She wants no part of a swinging lifestyle, yet she attends swing clubs with him so that he can find accomplices? She is little more than a doormat.

 

And then there's you - who enters into sexual activity with this jerk - knowing there is a girlfriend - and knowing that his treatment of her is so shabby it clearly conveys his lack of regard for her or the relationship. You become the willing accomplice to slap the girlfriend in the face and then try to sanctify it with talk of "love".

 

The only "love" in this whole scenario is his self love. And the two of you females allow, encourage and enable that.

 

I'm gonna make a leap of faith here and assume that prior to becoming involved with this mess, you had a brain and used it. You certainly weren't using it from the moment you started up with him - because your brain would have told you, if it wasn't you, he'd find somebody else.

 

And now, you believe you "love" him? How can you for one moment love someone who has no more regard for you than he does for the one he's supposed to be considering here. Do you not hear your brain telling you, if he'll do it FOR you, he is also fully capable of doing it TO you.

 

The fact he is willing to share his body with you doesn't make him (or you) so very special, you know. There were probably a number of men in the club that same night you met him that are willing to share their bodies with you as well. The only thing different about this ya-hoo is that he was eager to do so without the participation of his so-called partner.

 

Wake up out of your self-imposed stupor and listen to your brain, Sadie. Your future with this guy would be just one compromise after another - until you are precisely the same doormat his present girlfriend is. There are plenty of people in the world with integrity enough not to treat others in the cavalier fashion this jerk does.

 

Give yourself a HUGE Christmas gift and peel this piece of slime out of your life. Your New Year will hold brighter days if you do!

 

P.S. Ask yourself why you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think this kind of relationship is all you are worthy of having. And if you don't have that low opinion, get yourself out of this mess now.

[LIZA 20]

Originally posted by OhioCouple

I have to disagree with this, simply because many couples are commited to each other in every day life, no kids, but do not have a piece of paper that state that they legally can share the same name, for whatever reason.

 

My husband and I lived together for six years before making it legal, however we were fully commited to each other during that time. Adding the peice of paper was a technicality, not a need to confirm to the world our commitment to each other. All of our friends, family and acquaintances saw us as committed all along, in fact when we did get married, many made the statement, "You mean ya'll weren't married all along?" The piece of paper did not make a committment, the actions did.

 

Your opinion sounds more like high school dating and not that of mature adults.

 

Well if he WAS committed to her, he wouldnt be having sex with other women, calling it swinging, when she had no interest in it and probably just allowed it to keep him. Obviously not a real solid relationship.

 

If Sadie wants him, she might as well give it a shot

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by LIZA

Well if he WAS committed to her, he wouldnt be having sex with other women, calling it swinging, when she had no interest in it and probably just allowed it to keep him. Obviously not a real solid relationship.

 

If Sadie wants him, she might as well give it a shot

I can only go by my short 43 years of experience...

 

If he professes to be in love with the woman that doesn't want to swing and at the same time be in love with a woman that will swing...exactly which head is doing the talking? Nothing more than an adolescent lower portion of the male body speaking...IMO.

 

Sadie does not have to be a part of this adolescent behavior, unless she chooses to. The decision is her's alone as she is the one that will have to live with it. We've all given our opinions, based on the information relayed to us. And as harsh as I think wrnakedru's post was...I think it was right on the money and said everything that I thought, yet didn't have the courage to post myself.

 

Mrs. O

[LIZA 20]

That's my point, really. He doesn't sound like any prize. If that is the kind of man Sadie wants for herself, she might as well give it a shot.

 

Not like she doesn't know what she is getting into and she might be doing the girlfriend a favor in the long run

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by LIZA

That's my point, really. He doesn't sound like any prize. If that is the kind of man Sadie wants for herself, she might as well give it a shot.

 

Not like she doesn't know what she is getting into and she might be doing the girlfriend a favor in the long run

Now that I can agree with wholeheartedly.

 

*EDIT* BTW, nice to see you back around and posting again, Liza!

[RMRx2 24]

originally posted by OhioCouple

exactly which head is doing the talking? Nothing more than an adolescent lower portion of the male body speaking...IMO.

 

 

Originally posted by wrnakedru

And you are no different from the girlfriend. You are both enablers to this jerk who wants only to follow the whims of his body parts.

 

Okay, I truley hope I understand incorrectly, and you are not saying that; only the man thinks with his genitals or is influenced/confused by sexual drive/gratification, in this situation or any other?

 

If I read this thread correctly, Sadie first realized a love for someone who she was just supposed to be just playing with. She announced this to him first.

 

Excuse me, but in the balance of the posts , it is pointed out that the SO let this take place and had choices, ie: the door mat thing, the man wanted sex with others, and Sadie did too. All, clearly need to back away, way away,most likely for good, and get some things straight. Both genders are represented here in this story.

 

I don't believe in gender wars. I don't believe all woman nor all men to be sorry sob's, but I have enough history, expierence, and betrayal in my past to hold my own in the arguement that with most issues, their is no difference in gender, we are all just human and it has taken a good while to get to that point.

 

Sadie, I see and understand how you have come to this point. There may or may not have been mistakes made in that journey. However, the decisions made from this point forward will be the most important. There is a lot of advice here. I feel for your situation and I wish you the best in working through it. Especially that all of this has come at what should be a joyest season.

 

rmrx2

[Guest Sadie]

For those that were wondering...yes, I do have a brain...that is why I am questioning. Yes, I know you are not suppose to fall in loave with a swing partner, but in the same sense I felt the need to let him know how deep my feelings were for him. I have given him ample opportunities to walk away and have in fact told him to be honest with me and tell me to get lost. He does not want to do that, and he is not the slime that people think he is...sorry. I just wanted input from other people that might of had this happen. I am responsible for my own actions...no one else. She is the party who is unable to take ownership of her feelings and tell him how she really feels about swinging. She doesn't want to "lose" him because then she would have to get off her butt and work to support herself.

[NightGoddess 16]

Originally posted by Sadie

For those that were wondering...yes, I do have a brain...that is why I am questioning. Yes, I know you are not suppose to fall in love with a swing partner, but in the same sense I felt the need to let him know how deep my feelings were for him. I have given him ample opportunities to walk away and have in fact told him to be honest with me and tell me to get lost. He does not want to do that, and he is not the slime that people think he is...sorry. I just wanted input from other people that might of had this happen. I am responsible for my own actions...no one else. She is the party who is unable to take ownership of her feelings and tell him how she really feels about swinging. She doesn't want to "lose" him because then she would have to get off her butt and work to support herself.

 

So NOW we hear that he and the 'other woman' live together?!

....and you've told him 'to be honest with (sic) you and tell you to get lost'???!!! You want 'marching orders'?

Uh....not only have you NOT read the very clear posts from Yawanna and Ohio Couple, you don't want to hear the truth!

You, Sadie, ARE the "Other Woman"!

You are trespassing on a relationship!

You are not taking responsibility for your actions!

You wanted input, you got it, and it wasn't what you wanted to hear....so now you're discounting it by saying it doesn't apply to you!

Listen to yourself!! You are criticizing a woman who is clearly in a troubled relationship and blaming her for 'not taking responsibility' for telling this guy 'how she feels about swinging'....'because she would have to get off her butt and work to support herself.'

Why do suppose you feel the need to be critical of her?

Why wasn't another option chosen, like YOU meeting with HER privately and telling her you could no longer swing with him as your feelings were getting involved? You could have done this in a non-threatening venue (without him around) with complete respect and dignity and walked away clean. Instead, you chose a script that involves you in a drama that will very likely, if not already, injure a relationship-- one that already existed before you arrived...and is for most people of integrity....off limits!!!

Shame on you!

What are you looking for here? An endorsement to continue banging this man who is in a relationship?

You won't get it here!

It is completely irrelevant whether the couple are married or not: according to them, they have a 'relationship': This means an emotional involvement is out of bounds.

What makes you think this particular man is so unique and special that you cannot find a good man elsewhere?

Why can't you be the active agent here and go find a good unattached man without having to poach one?

Each post makes you sound immature, selfish, and completely unwilling to take the more gentle advice of the members here...who, by the way, have no axe to grind with you.

If you honestly wanted to hear opinions, you should have been prepared to hear some unpleasant things....instead, you are defending a man who is essentially committing adultery with you.

I wonder why you think it is necessary to defend him?

Especially when you have heard from some very experienced (and sadder but wiser) men here.

 

If you want to be the adult here, Sadie, walk away from this situation.

Change your phone number, don't answer the guys' knocks on the door.

Let the couple work out their own issues and make a clean break.

In that respect, you could show a little class. Oh, and some strength of character.

[LIZA 20]

Nobody can really help who they fall in love with, I don't think.

 

But as far as you asking this man to tell you to get lost, why would he do that? It sounds like he has the best of both worlds, two women to fulfill all his needs and desires. Just because he doesn't tell you to get lost doesn't necessarily mean he gives a shit about you, ya know?

[Guest Sadie]

I have said from the beginning that they lived together...don't you read the posts before passing judgement!!!

[NightGoddess 16]

Originally posted by Sadie

I have said from the beginning that they lived together...don't you read the posts before passing judgement!!!

 

Worse and worse.....is that all you read?

[NorCal Nites 15]

Originally posted by Sadie

I have said from the beginning that they lived together...don't you read the posts before passing judgement!!!

 

I believe what they are trying to say is that YOU are the other woman, NOT the girlfriend that he was with before you met. Not necessarily who lived with whom.

[NightGoddess 16]

Originally posted by NorCal Nites

I believe what they are trying to say is that YOU are the other woman, NOT the girlfriend that he was with before you met. Not necessarily who lived with whom.

 

Sonya and Larren, you are correct!

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by RMRx2

Okay, I truley hope I understand incorrectly, and you are not saying that; only the man thinks with his genitals or is influenced/confused by sexual drive/gratification, in this situation or any other?

Not at all RMR. A woman can do the same also. In this instance we are talking about a man, one which in essence is stringing along two women, in what appears to be one that satisfies his needs to lead two different lives. Good girl/Bad girl. While I'm a tad older than you, surely you have heard the phrase of "You play with the ones that will and marry the ones that won't".

[NightGoddess 16]

Originally posted by OhioCouple

"You play with the ones that will and marry the ones that won't".

 

Interesting perspective! You know, you might have hit on the motivating factor here: this allows the guy to have his cake and eat it too....could he be attempting to convince both women he is 'conflicted' about his choice? rofl

 

I agree that women can be as sexually driven as men: the key item [still unclear at this point] is who is using whom. The games stop when one player leaves for good. So, who will it be? Any bets?

---What a merry Hell, eh?!

 

BTW: Good points, OhioCouple and LIZA!

[yawanna 17]

. I think that she is jealous of any swinging or relationships he has with another woman. I will stay away for the present time but I will NOT stop him from calling or coming to see me. He is an adult and that way it’s his decision.

 

 

this says it ALL imho.

 

You want me? come get me

 

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Sounds to me like Sadie came here hoping to find others to condone this relationship she has found herself in. She posts something about staying away...

After reading through the posts I have decided to stop swinging and therefore stay away from the man that I fell in love. I hope it's true that time heals all wounds...

then someone comes along giving her the OK for continuing this relationship because the couple is not married, and immediately, Sadie's thoughts are back to...

I will stay away for the present time but I will NOT stop him from calling or coming to see me. He is an adult and that way it’s his decision.

 

This, of course, and as we all know, is just so much BS. If she really wanted to stay away from him, be fair to him, the "live in" and herself, she would simply tell him...stay away until you are truly free to be with me without the involvement of your "live in." And I bet he would do just that. After all, I believe it was Nightgoddess (not certain) who said something about not answering the door, changing numbers if necessary, etc. Sadie doesn't want to.

 

Rather...she wants us to believe she met this couple back in May, 7 months ago and "we have been playing together since that time" although they have only swung together twice. Therefore, she and this man have been "playing together since that time." And of course, somewhere in there she says this woman doesn't mind if he "swings" solo...she throws in the part about how she isn't jealous of other women...just his "live in," and it goes on and on.

 

Bottom line, Sadie, you have come between a couple in the worst possible way and you are refusing to back off and give them the space to work out their problems as they see fit and without your involvement to confuse the issue. And yeah...I agree with wrnakedru and several others...he may be a piece of slime, but with some of your comments and contradictions, I can't help but wonder how much of the truth we are getting from you. Sounds to me like you are having an affair with a man in a committed relationship. Nothing more, nothing less. I mean come on...in your first post, you were asking...

Is it wrong to ask him his feelings about me.

If his feelings were so strong, as you now imply, you would not have had to ask that question, and since he is not bound to the legalities of marriage, if he wanted to walk out on her and come to you...well, it would be really easy for him to do so.

 

Good luck...you will need it, and frankly, this other woman, or the "live in" as you put it...well, I bet my bottom dollar that she will live to thank you for taking him off her hands, in spite of the fact that she will "have to get off her butt and go to work. What a horrible thing to have to contemplate!! Especially when weighed against the living with a man that "swings" without you, allegedly falls in love with another woman, can't make up his mind about what he wants....on and on. Doesn't sound too much like a prime catch to me. - EBF

[WildFlower 17]

Sadie I feel for you, I believe you have let yourself fall for this guy and he for you.But I agree with everyone here you should take yourself out of there relationship. I read on here that you said You think she is jealous of any swinging relationship he has with any woman. I beg to differ with that opinion. My reasons are she would not be going to a swing club with him if this were the case and letting him be with other women sexually if she had a problem with jealousy. I think she has a problem with you because she feels that you are a threat to there relationship. I know I would feel threatened if my SO. developed deep feelings for another woman and she for him. Be honest if you were involved with and cared for a man wouldn't you be upset if he constantly called and emailed, and had deep feelings for another woman he swang with?? Try putting yourself in her situation and honestly try to understand her side. I think this will put a different perspective on things. I think the best thing to do would to be to step out of the picture totally. Let them work it out or let them break up. If they do break up then he is free game but don't let him think that you will be waiting in the wings if he should break up let him know that you care enough to cut it off and let him live his life without being torn between the two of you women.

Goodluck. I hope you make the smart choice and save yourself alot of heartache.

[NightGoddess 16]

Well, Sadie, what's the latest? After all this advice thrown your way, are you gonna tell us what's happening?

[Guest Sadie]

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I last saw him... I do appreciate all the advice that has been given. I have spoken with his girlfriend and she now knows my feelings for him. She would like to continue the friendship that we have but she doesn’t know if any of us will be able to remain friends. I guess I don’t understand how she thinks we can be friends because I am in love with her boyfriend but she claims I am one of her best friends and she doesn’t want to “lose” the friendship.

[EternallySingle 32]

Originally posted by Sadie

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I last saw him... I do appreciate all the advice that has been given. I have spoken with his girlfriend and she now knows my feelings for him. She would like to continue the friendship that we have but she doesn’t know if any of us will be able to remain friends. I guess I don’t understand how she thinks we can be friends because I am in love with her boyfriend but she claims I am one of her best friends and she doesn’t want to “lose” the friendship.

 

I hope things work out for you. Being caught between two people is hard when you like both of them and one wants to still be friends. Just be careful. Something about your story makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck, and not just because I thought you were irresponsible not to have backed away when you first discovered your feelings for him. She is just as responsible for this continuing as long as it did because I doubt that there is no way she could not have known and chosen not to confront you. Unless she had some kind of agenda that relied on you coming to her first. Please be careful.

[wrnakedru 38]

While I will grant you that friendships are often founded on commonly shared interests, I just don't believe that being in love with the same man heads the list as a basis for friendship.

 

Perhaps the girlfriend feels that if you and she are friends, your "better" side will prevail, and you will back off - feeling you cannot be party to something that will hurt your "good friend". I find that to be a thin thread of hope. I believe that she would be far better served by distancing herself [and her significant other] from any further contact with you.

 

Of course, there is the chance that she thinks that if all of you remain friends, and she throws no impediment to his seeing you - what possible reason would he have for leaving her, to be with you?

 

You might want to consider this: If she can remain calm enough to seek an ongoing friendship with you, perhaps she has been through this same scenario before - - and this is what has worked the best in the past.

 

Just a thought.

[Guest Sadie]

I spoke with my guy friend's girlfriend yesterday and told her that I did not at this point want to be friends and that I would not be contacting either of them. My emotions are fried and I need to distance myself from this situation. Anyone who has words of wisdom or can offer emotional support...I would really appreciate it. I know I was in the wrong and that is why I am so conflicted, but I do really love him. Please help me know that there is a future out there and I will survive this.

[wrnakedru 38]

Sadie -

 

You have a private message here on swingersboard.