How do we seal the deal?

[morriscouple 16]

Hi! We are very new to swinging & this is our first post here! Hoping you can give us some help

 

We've just met a married couple (we are also married) that we are definitely interested in playing with. We've gone out with them and had a great time and are planning to meet up with them again. We're the newer of the two couples (though they've only playing for a year) and not sure how to "seal the deal". We don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but at the same time we feel like they're kind of hanging back because we are really new.

 

Appreciate any advice.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Very simply say, "We like you guys. Would you care to come home with us?" Or to a private room at a club, or a hotel room or whatever. They'll get the idea.

 

Someone in the group needs to be a little aggressive; else nothing is ever going to happen.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

We can offer a few observations.

 

--Make sure that both you and your spouse are on the same page--how far you want to take things. We wrote about this in an essay at this site a couple of years ago. It's more than "definitely interested in playing with. Here are our three points before going on the second date:

 

1. What are our fantasies? We are doing this for fun and with each other. We are going to blur the line between fantasy and reality. What does that look like?

 

2. What are our intentions? What is the reality of what we are going to do together? How much exploration do we plan?

 

3. What are our boundaries? Are we clear on what we will do together and what we expect of each other? What does approaching a limit look like, and what will we do if-and-when either of us gets there?

 

--Make that second date flexible and yet with a clear intention, for example..."How about dinner on Saturday? We were planning a light meal at our place. The hot tub is warmed up, too. What, if any, dietary restrictions or preferences do you have?" That last part turns out to be useful because you have made clear that you are concerned about and respectful of any restrictions or preferences they have in one domain of their lives, and you are likely to be just as respectful in other domains. Yes, this matters.

 

--Regardless of whether you are at a restaurant, or at home, or wherever, make the invitation clear AND give the other couple some time/space to decide. If we're at a restaurant, we'll make the invitation and then Mrs. FL will need to use the ladies' room and I will excuse myself to make a quick phone call. This gives the other couple the option of speaking with each other or the Mrs can follow Mrs. FL to the ladies' room for a private conversation. Either way it gives the other couple a bit of breathing room. If we're at home, while we're carrying dinner dishes from the table, we'll simply ask whether they would prefer dessert indoors or out on the deck by the hot tub. Again, it puts the ball in their court and allows them to make the decision. The general idea is to make your intention clear and yet give them a way to gracefully decline.

 

--Assuming things are progressing, this is a good time to ask about their restrictions/boundaries and to tell them yours.

 

--Patience is a virtue.

[Alura 2,774]

Since you know the other couple has been swinging for a year, I'll assume the subject of swinging has come up. Very often couples spend an evening talking about any subject other than swinging, never broaching the subject you are all thinking about.

 

Preparation: Go out to dinner. Sit at a square table with the men and women across from each other. American "double-date" etiquette calls for wives to sit to their husband's right which places Mrs. Playmate across the table from you, beyond reach both physically and mentally. Change that in the interest of more open communication.

 

Your wife should put the following into her own words. "We've talked a lot about swinging. We understand the issues and believe we can cope with them. We'd like to have our first experience with y'all. Our kids are at Grandma's for the weekend. Would y'all like to come over to our house, swap partners and have sex?"

 

Sit quietly and wait for an answer. "First one to talk loses."

 

Even if you get a positive answer, the social barriers won't be eliminated. Laura and I once invited Rick and Jo to our house. Both couples had agreed to swing. Nevertheless, we sat on our sectional, Jo beside me and Laura beside Rick, talking about books, movies, the latest recipes, etc.

 

"Do y'all know any good ice-breakers?" asked Rick.

 

"Kissing does it for me," replied Laura.

 

"HUH?" said Rick.

 

"If you were to kiss me, I think any ice you're feeling would melt away." She was right.

[njbm 2,870]

We usually have a vanilla first meeting with other swingers and we all know it’s vanilla. My wife and I discuss at home and if we both agree, we ask the other couple if, at a mutually agreed upon future date, they would like to come over to our house to play. Pretty direct!

 

Somebody’s got to make the move and we will if we feel the other couple is into it. We we have pretty good swingdar and we are shocked when we are rebuffed when we think things are going well. But they do not go well many times. We roll with the punches and we’ve met many great couples.

[Sawman 84]

Do you know if they are in the Lifestyle? It could be tricky making a pass at vanilla friends. How about one hub approaching the other privately or one wife approaching the other wife? If it's a no then it's quiet.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Yes, as long as they are also in the L/S, the direct route is the best one to use. They could be giving you the space and time to make up your minds as to if you want to take that next step (as in not trying to pressure you). Just let them know that you two are ready and are interested in playing with them and then the ball is in their court.

 

I can't tell you how many couples that we have met (usually on our first in person dinner meeting) that are hesitant to talk about sex or swinging even though it is the reason we are meeting...to see if there is any connection and if we want to go further. Just kind of funny...