How well do you deal with rejection?

[njbm 2,871]

Whether in person or on line, if we encounter a couple that I think is in our league in age, looks and lifestyle experience and they decline to meet us or play with us, I feel a little bummed. I wonder why and I realize it could be a small thing that only that other person would find objectionable. Or they may have a problem in health or their relationship.

 

We decline to meet or play with some couples, too. I am concerned for their feelings and we try hard to be diplomatic.

 

How do you handle this aspect of the lifestyle?

[adamgunn 1,460]

While we may feel a bit letdown, particularly if we've emailed back and forth a few times, we just figure it's part of life. Just as there are people who are not our cup of tea, we realize that sometimes people find out we're not exactly what they had in mind either. And sometimes, people simply change their minds (and may be a little less than completely honest about it.)

 

Chalk it up, move on . . .

[padoc 1,703]

If swinging was easy, everyone would do it! We gave up on finding the perfect couple a long time ago recognizing eventually just how hard it is to find four people who share a mutual attraction. We have had dates where we thought everyone was good to go only to be more or less blown off when trying to make a play date. I always assume it's me because Mrs Doc is just so damned attractive that I can't imagine anyone wouldn't want to get naked with her. Whatever the reason, we've come to understand that we are part of THEIR selection process as much as they are subject to ours. If we don't make the cut, we simply accept it and move on with no hard feelings. If we don't click with a couple, we don't go into details as to why, we'll simply say that our calendar is full for several weeks since many swinger couples seem to lose interest without near instant gratification. Or, if we feel it necessary to be more blunt, we'll say, "we're just not a match." One thing we have learned is that it's not easy to reject people who think that as a couple, we're worthy of getting naked with them and sharing sex. Golf is probably an easier hobby!

[njbm 2,871]

I always assume that I am the weak link because my wife is very attractive and is in the top 1% of people our age in physical condition. I am a little less in shape, but ok for our age group.

 

We also use the vague “ we are not a match” on the internet. We’re busy followed by radio silence may be as effective and less hurtful.

 

My personal fave is when the other husband says he is interested in my wife, but his wife does not find me to be of interest. We’ve had that one two or three times. We’ve also twice been invited to a house party, accepted the invitation, then we’re advised that we were uninvited. Doubt it happens in golf.

[Jane1902 476]

I don’t think we are not a match is hurtful, it’s clear not interested. Being busy may invite them to try later. I find if I say more of why not, usually age or distance, the other parties try to continue the conversation to convince me. Some people never respond to my messages, fine. I am curious about being disinvited to a party. Now if you called someone a stupid cunt, some guy did that to me, that’s worthy of a disinvite.

[agreatguy 269]

When we were online we got the line "We don't think we're a match" and we used it ourselves. It's disappointing sure but that seems to be the generally accepted line that says there really isn't any interest without having to explain further. I don't know that it ever hurt our feelings.

 

Another reason we like the clubs. All these things get sorted out quickly. You get rejected, you move on. It's like going up to the hottest girl at the dance and asking her if she wants to dance. If she says no you move on to the next one til you find a dance partner.

 

When we meet another couple or even a single guy but don't feel like we are compatible I'll take the lead and say something like "I think we are going to go mingle around the club a bit." We've had it said to us. It's kind of a signal that things aren't going to progress, we're moving on...and that's what we do whether we are the ones rejecting or being rejected. Part of it is learning to manage expectations. We never go out with any expectations that we are going to hook up. We expect to have a good time and we hope to hook up, that's why we go but we've learned not to expect a hookup. That way we don't leave upset if it doesn't happen. The worst is that are disappointed it didn't happen that night. It usually means we'll be making another visit fairly soon. Get back on the horse so to speak.

[njbm 2,871]

The club experience does present many options. We have been steering clear because we prefer the two on two experience of a couple swap with a couple that we know.

 

When someone called Jane1902 a stupid C, they are just beyond rude and not worthy of further contact.

 

We certainly did nothing to earn the disinvites. The same thing happened in both cases. The husband invited us, then told their wife we were invited, then the husbands disinvited us. One husband said the wife did not want guests she had not met before. The second husband said that his wife didn’t want that many people at their party. Then we saw people dropped out and they were looking for people on hot date. Of course, we did not respond. We can only be disinvited once per party. Maybe the spouses should consult each other before inviting people. These people are off our list.

[MarniJohn 172]

Sounds like a couple we've met. If it is the same couple then you are hardly the only ones to be "disinvited". The wife is well known for this. He's super friendly and she is not. He invites couples and when he tells her, for reasons unclear to all, she makes him disinvite. I think she's got issues.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

When starting out it is easy to have ones feelings hurt when another couple says that they aren't interested, but after awhile it becomes easier...and they are doing you a favor. Why waste a bunch of time communicating with a couple that just isn't feeling a connection with the two of you (for whatever reason). By telling you that they aren't interested (or they just don't respond) it allows you to look for another match. It REALLY isn't personal, sometimes it just isn't a match. Move forward and keep looking for that match. Finding a four way match isn't easy (and nobody said it would be easy) but once you find one, you will understand and not take things so personally.

[Napoleon 230]

Very well. I always have "pool of new women" I can have sex with or form a relationship with at any given moment. If I meet a new woman and she reject me, no big deal.

[Numex 2,416]

"How well do you deal with rejection?" I'd say very well, not because of any virtue, but I'm just not interested in a woman who's not interested in me.

[mexicolovers 24]

A bad experience is worse than rejection. Sometimes your rejected for reasons that have nothing really to do with you. Just take it in stride.

 

For example, you look or sound like someone’s brother or sister or close friend. We had that experience, we didn’t play with a lady because she acted and looked like someone we knew as a friend only and it was just a turn off.

[njbm 2,871]

One woman fled from me at a house party. Her husband said that I looked like her ex.

[Numex 2,416]

"How well do you deal with rejection?" I'd say very well, not because of any virtue, but I'm just not interested in a woman who's not interested in me.

May I also point out that (mostly in the vanilla world, but applies to swinging too) that women who string you along, flirting, then playing hard-to-get saying you misread them, often turn out to be Drama Queens even if they want to fuck you. I would rather be unambiguously rejected than played by a potential sex partner.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

We/her/I are always excited when we meet someone we think we may be compatible with and it is always disappointing if the feeling isn't mutual.

 

We have declined other people as you said you have done so we have been on both ends.

 

That is why, although we may be excited and ready to play, we can empathize. We are disappointed but we move on. There are always new playmates to explore.