Started out open relationship and now realizing sex drives don't match

[Nepenthe 15]

Hi all. Need advice or perspectives.

 

My boyfriend and I wanted and had an open relationship from the beginning. I stopped wanting to have sex with other people for my own reasons but didn't mind that he still hooked up with others.

 

But now that we've been together for awhile he doesn't want to have sex with me as much as he used to. I know its normal for sex frequency to decline after the "honeymoon phase" so I guess that's to be expected. He says he didn't want to have sex any more often with his ex girlfriends when he was monogamous in long term relationships. Trouble is, it's a lot less often than I want it.

 

It started bothering me that he'd turn me down often while always on the lookout for new people. I know novelty has its own appeal and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me, but it was still bothering me so we closed the relationship.

 

Closing the relationship didn't make him any more interested in sex with me than he was before. If anything, maybe a little less.

 

So I don't know if I should look at this like any other couple with a mismatched sex drive which having sex with other people has nothing to do with, thereby making the restriction pointless and maybe even counterproductive? Or maybe if he does continue to have sex with others he'll be less motivated to put effort into our sex life over time?

 

I think I might end up resentful about the attention he gives others but I'm not even sure that's rational IF it's not actually taking anything away from me. Then again maybe it'd just be unfair that I'm sexually frustrated and he's getting extra. Or maybe that's not unfair because I could be with others and choose not to.

 

He really wants to do swinging with me but I find it too aggravating because we've never agreed on people and had it work out. Then I've ended up upset from getting the overall impression he's not interested in me unless other people are involved, but hes just got a thing for group play.

 

I just want a decent sex life with my own partner and not let all this cause unnecessary issues but I feel bit guilty asking for monogamy because it kinda goes against the original terms of our relationship.

[padoc 1,703]

Your boyfriend's behavior sounds more than a little passive/aggressive and quite manipulative. I think you need to examine your relationship and answer the question "why am I still here"? This isn't a matter of a mis-matched sex drive, it sounds like yours is perfectly normal. He's going to screw other women while you're busy being monogamous and he'll periodically reject you and your sexual needs as a means to exert control. As Dr Laura says, between now and dead, is THIS how you want to live???

[adamgunn 1,460]

"I think I might end up resentful about the attention he gives others" Of course you will! In any swinging relationship, one of the primary purposes is to enhance the primary couple's sex life. It doesn't appear this is happening with you two.

 

You two need to talk to each other honestly and deeply and come to an agreement that both of you will embrace. Otherwise, I fear that eventually the rift will deepen into a crisis.

[Nepenthe 15]

I dont think he is trying to be controlling and hes pretty cooperative if I ask him to stop doing things with other people. I just feel bad for asking because I'm the one that wanted an open relationship more to begin with. He even started slowing down with other people without me asking because he felt guilty for being the only one doing it. He would be perfectly happy to still have me go out with other guys. He just doesn't want to be fully monogamous forever and that never bothered me until the sex slowed down, but he said recently he'd work on either not turning me down anymore or make me happy another way.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

It really sounds like the honeymoon phase is over and since the excitement is fading, so is his interest (however other new lovers are still exciting)...Sounds like you two are not a match and it's time to move on. Sorry but better to learn this now than several years down the road. Good luck and we wish you the best.