How do you reject people online?

[njbm 2,901]

We usually just say we are not a match. So as to not hurt anyone’s feelings. We’ve received quite a few of their husband would do our wife, but their wife is not interested in our husband. Ouch!

 

Lately, some people just don’t respond. I used to think this was rude, but it hurts less than a rejection. Thoughts? Can’t be a snowflake in swinging?

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

Our view: a response is always better than no response.

Our view: no explanation is ever necessary. ("Thanks for reaching out. We are not a match. Good luck in the journey.")

Our view: explanations are more likely to cause unnecessary distress.

 

The only exception is where a remark might point the rejectee (is that a word?) in a more useful direction. ("Your profile suggests that you are looking for a long-term relationship, FWB. Unfortunately, we don't have that kind of time or emotion to invest in this hobby." or "We are only looking for FWB and a couple we can see regularly. You seem to have a new cert every three weeks. Not the sort of relationship we're looking for.")

 

Telling a couple that one member of the couple is uninteresting, unattractive, whatever is unnecessarily destructive. That said, the problem lies with the person who writes this sort of thing, not the recipient.

[PSULioness 859]

We don’t contact people on line. If we did I think I would handle rejecting someone tactfully. Rejecting someone face to face is very difficult for me. I hate hurting people. There have been occasions where I was approached by someone who I was not attracted to with physically or their attitude. It is harder to reject someone based on appearance. I feel so superficial. If I am approached by a loudmouth obnoxious person I still try to reject by just saying No or I’m not interested. I did have to tell one guy No, you’re a jerk, and then I felt bad.

[njbm 2,901]

Today I received an internet response from another couple of “ Other husband finds my wife attractive, other wife does not find our husband (me) attractive.” I told the guy that I found that hurtful. He said he was only being honest. I told him that diplomacy may be better than unnecessary honesty.

 

I do not think they were an appropriate couple for us anyway, but I am trying to educate the rabble. Probably a waste of my time.

[Roliin75 53]

Telling a couple that one member of the couple is uninteresting, unattractive, whatever is unnecessarily destructive. That said, the problem lies with the person who writes this sort of thing, not the recipient.

 

I agree! Why do people think being cruel is neccessary or helpful?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Today I received an internet response from another couple of “ Other husband finds my wife attractive, other wife does not find our husband (me) attractive.”

 

We would have responded that "We find his wife pleasant, kind and intelligent but we find her husband is a stupid, insensitive ass".

[Sawman 84]

Please don't just ghost the people. No match is best.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

In my opinion it is better if you don't respond.

 

Anything you say in a rejection is not going to be taken well. The person that is rejected will use anything you say to attack you. Not everyone of course but you have to consider and be prepared for that kind of reaction.

 

You would hope that people are as reasonable as you are but you have to be aware, I hope, that you are dealing with people you have yet to get to know.

[nyc play couple 16]

Really appreciate the thoughtful commentary on this thread. When we were active, we used to "meet" people on the phone lines. There was one we belonged to where we left an ad and picked up recorded messages in our mailbox. You could leave messages back and forth and if you clicked, someone would leave their phone number.

We enjoyed speaking with couples over the phone, we felt it was a real good way of determining compatibility before meeting in person. Sometimes, though, you knew it wasn't going anywhere and you wanted to politely move on, with no hard feelings.

Our way of handling it was to tell the other couple that we appreciated speaking with them but that we'd been having second thoughts, that we needed time, etc. This way it was us, instead of them thinking it was them.

[njbm 2,901]

The George Costanza move. “it’s not you, it’s me.”

[the Nomads 78]

I'm having flashbacks from my high school/college dating years. We are really new to this and we received interest after setting up our SLS profile. They looked like a good fit from age, appearance and profile. So we replied back with a little more detail about what we were looking for and interested in. It sucks waiting for a response. Its even worse when you can see when they read your email. I'm good with the "we aren't feeling it" or frankly even the rejection due to whichever reason. Its a final decision. Having worked in sales the worst thing a customer can do to a sales person is to ghost them. There is no closure. I will say I'm all about feedback whether constructive or other. There is always something to learn when someone provides you a reason for their decision. Sometimes you learn the problem is on your side. Sometimes you learn based on their logic or lack of that the problem is definitely on their side and you dodged a bullet. Either way you have to be pretty secure in who you are and what you want as rejection is just part of the game I think. Oh well. Off to get ready for a party this evening.

 

Mr. Nomad

[SJBluebirds 195]

In my opinion it is better if you don't respond.

 

Anything you say in a rejection is not going to be taken well. The person that is rejected will use anything you say to attack you. Not everyone of course but you have to consider and be prepared for that kind of reaction.

 

You would hope that people are as reasonable as you are but you have to be aware, I hope, that you are dealing with people you have yet to get to know.

 

 

That's really odd to us; we get so few online matches that we're thrilled just to hear from other couples, even if it's just a polite 'no thank you'.

 

What do you mean "The person that is rejected will use anything you say to attack you"? That's never even entered our thoughts.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

What do you mean "The person that is rejected will use anything you say to attack you"? That's never even entered our thoughts.

 

I'm sorry. "Attack you" was too strong of a term.

 

I was just trying to convey that some people don't handle rejection very well. Good luck! I'm glad that your experiences have been positive.

[njbm 2,901]

Some people online have told us they don’t have chemistry with us. I think that is an awkward way to say that they find one or both of us unappealing from our pictures. I would think that you would have to meet someone to know if there is chemistry.

 

PS, we’ve met and played with people at parties and had a great time with them. If we saw their pictures, height, weight and (actual) age on SLS, we never would have met them. I am in favor of meeting to give people a chance.

[SJBluebirds 195]

I'm glad that your experiences have been positive.

 

Hmmm. LOL!

 

It's not that they've been 'positive' -- it's more like 'not negative!'

[shy_couple 460]

We use s “ no thanks” canned response regularly.

 

We make sincere efforts to respond to all who contact us.

 

The ga e I hate is when single guys email something like “hello” or “how are you?” We know that we are not interested but think is rude to response with “not interested” so try to politely exchange. If it getting g to the point after a couple of messages we pointedly ask, where is this leading, then a polite no thanks.

[the Nomads 78]

So in looking through profiles on SLS I've started to expand my position on responses where there isn't a physical attraction. We will typically respond as long as there is a conscious effort made to put up a profile with some valid pictures (not just random T&A) of both members of the couple and if the email is written in a halfway decent sentence structure. As one profile stated If your profile or email looks to have been written by "a brain damaged orangutan" we probably won't respond. They even provided examples of "How R U?" and "Want 2 Fuck Now?" among others.

[njbm 2,901]

I generally do not put much literary effort into my first SLS email to reach out. We opened our pix, can you open yours is about it. Most people do not even respond and of the ones who do, most are a no. I don't think it is because of our literary shortfalls, I just think most people don't play or have narrow preferences.

 

For certs, on the other hand, we are willing to air it out.

[Guest]

A great question with a false premise. The assumption is that anyone that contacts you is genuine and a real couple...That is the false premise to respond. I live in a civil and respectful place in my life but, I only respond if there is some chance of truth. In a decade of experience, I have found that those that complain about not being responded to...are the fakes. And if you don't respond, it's because you don't want to revisit a waste of time. Yes, it is hard for new swingers to join the lifestyle. Real swingers. It's worth the effort. You just can't join a club, a newsletter, or sign up for a swingers board, and call yourself a swinger.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

"...I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee...and then you throw dog poop on their shoes"

 

Quote from two of the most famous swingers in history. Don't know why that suddenly popped into my head.

[Guest]

Reject people? Never looked at it that way. We handle it the same way as you would handle social interactions in every day life. Respectfully, without insult, and subtly. People don't require a published or vocalized direct response. Have you ever told anyone that either wanted to be a friend or in your circle..."Not interested?" Nope.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

OK, here is one way of how not to reject people on-line. After arriving to our winter home in Florida, we sent an SLS invitation for a meeting to a couple with whom we had had a really great encounter a year ago. The reply we received is, "unfortunately, we are no longer engaged in the lifestyle." This contradicts the words that are displayed in their SLS profile which contains more than one expression of how eager they are to meet people. So, dear Swingersboard members, do not reject people this way.

[njbm 2,901]

OK, here is one way of how not to reject people on-line. After arriving to our winter home in Florida, we sent an SLS invitation for a meeting to a couple with whom we had had a really great encounter a year ago. The reply we received is, "unfortunately, we are no longer engaged in the lifestyle." This contradicts the words that are displayed in their SLS profile which contains more than one expression of how eager they are to meet people. So, dear Swingersboard members, do not reject people this way.

 

Maybe they meant to say they are no longer engaged in the lifestyle... with you. We have been rejected every which way. Our attitude is on to the next people and their loss for the rejectors.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

OK, here is one way of how not to reject people on-line. After arriving to our winter home in Florida, we sent an SLS invitation for a meeting to a couple with whom we had had a really great encounter a year ago. The reply we received is, "unfortunately, we are no longer engaged in the lifestyle." This contradicts the words that are displayed in their SLS profile which contains more than one expression of how eager they are to meet people. So, dear Swingersboard members, do not reject people this way.

 

It might also be that their digital LS thread was simply left dangling when they chose to exit the LS. We would thank them for their candor and point out the discrepancy between the profile and the email. Even in vanilla life, many people have trails of forgotten email addresses (aol, earthlink come to mind) and other social media profiles that no longer fit.

 

True, if they have exited the LS, it makes little sense that the last login was "today" for the entire prior week. If that is the case, then they have done themselves no favor by not simply saying, "thanks, but we have moved on to others". People change, preferences should change, honesty should not. You two deserve (much) better.

 

There are surely enough LS folks in the great state of FL to bring new and interesting opportunities.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Me . . . I'd just move on. They don't want to play, with you, maybe with others. Such is life. Plenty of fish in the sea, particularly in Florida.

[Guest]

Hey, if you’re looking for shoes and Amazon tries to sell you a coat, you simply say I’m not interested. If you’re looking for a couples swap and someone wants to give you MFM, or whatever, we’re not interested. That’s not what we’re into…… Online,in person or off line.

[harryandmaria 20]

Basically reiterating but If someone sends a thoughtful message of interest they deserve a polite response of the “not a match wish you the best on your journey” variety. You may cross paths in the future at a club and hit it off.

Now there are the pushy ones and the fakes and the “lets fuck” openers that may not deserve a response but unfortunately ghosting is just part of how people roll these days.

 

Other favorite responses have been when we wish someone well but say were not a match they say some version of “well you’re missing out.” In response. Oh hey well in that case let me book a sitter and carve out our night for you guys. Lol.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Basically reiterating but If someone sends a thoughtful message of interest they deserve a polite response of the “not a match wish you the best on your journey” variety. You may cross paths in the future at a club and hit it off.

Now there are the pushy ones and the fakes and the “lets fuck” openers that may not deserve a response but unfortunately ghosting is just part of how people roll these days.

 

Other favorite responses have been when we wish someone well but say were not a match they say some version of “well you’re missing out.” In response. Oh hey well, in that case, let me book a sitter and carve out our night for you guys. Lol.

 

This actually happened to us. We politely "passed" on a couple. They handled it fine. Months later we had a party and our friends invited them. Again, no hard feelings, they were welcome to join. As we spent more time with them, we did, in fact, hit it off. We feel fortunate that we got a "do-over" - but none of it would have happened had we ghosted them or been impolite.

[Aikibobby 51]

I wish we would have found this thread yesterday. We are new to the lifestyle and just started an SLS account. We was trying to figure out how to reply to people’s emails and not be rude. We didn’t want to ignore them completely but we didn’t have any interest in them either. 

[enhancer 1,586]

It really depends on a few things for us on how we respond or don’t respond!

 

 If they have clearly  not read our profile that is very clear on what we are and are not looking for we either do not respond or say please read our profile the answer is pretty clear there. 

 

If they do not have any decent pictures of everyone who wants to be involved then we do not respond at all.  This includes profiles that just have pics of cocks, pussy and boobs. Not helpful at all in determining attractiveness.  They can see plenty pics of us on our profiles to decide if we are their type or not.  We expect the same in return from anyone who is serious about trying to meet others.-
 

If they do have pics and it seems like they have actually read our profile and we are not interested we will just reply sorry not interested, good luck on your search.  If they feel the need to question that then we are done talking to them.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

On 2/15/2019 at 7:56 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

"...I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee...and then you throw dog poop on their shoes"

 

Quote from two of the most famous swingers in history. Don't know why that suddenly popped into my head.

Saw this thread pop up and instantly thought the same thing again. At least I'm consistent.