Why is this so hard, need advice

[Sweet&Salty 20]

Background:

We are a U40 couple, together almost 20 years, married and have kids. Educated academics, husband more laid back, me (wife) more of an analysis machine who needs to think of all possible scenarios beforehand. Happy together, we are each others halves.

 

Up until a year ago, all monogamous relationship (actually we are each others first sexual partners). Always been quite explorative sexually together with toys, tying (soft bondage I would describe it), even have a sex swing. Hubby already early on described me as a nympho, I do like my "meals" to contain several courses ?

 

I think I was around twenty when visited a swingers site online, although nothing came of it. Group sex, as well as threesomes and gangbangs have sort of always been something that I was into as an idea (if I watched porn or chose an erotic novel or looked at sexy pics, they were most likely related to those scenarios).

 

Never did I think I would ever consider acting out on these fantasies. Up until a year ago... that is when I had a bit of a wake up call, massive surgeries, and story short, made me think of the things I want to do for me and us as a couple as well. Not just make money for the mortgage, make my PhD on the side and be mommy. It has been like that a couple of years, me working 150miles away from home mon-fri so mostly stay over in a rental during the weeks.

 

Don't actually know what was I.looking for, but came across a swingers site and info about a club that hosts swingers nights. Discussed with hubby, managed to get him come along and we visited the club. Actually had sex together there, no other participants at that point. He was intrigued by the atmosphere and actually sort of initiated the idea of me giving him a bj in a room where there were a lot of other people. The night was a success.

 

After that we made a profile to an online swingers site, and started looking for couples, soft play in mind (my brain was dead set at that point that penetrative sex was absolutely off limits). Well, soft play couples are not easy to find, as you all probably know. We visited some meets and greets at bars and two other club evenings, where did actually some soft play with few couples.

 

The thing is, we are a bit larger than other people (I'm a tall 5'10 BBW with curves (really big boobs), hubby is just tall 6'6 but normal weight. At clubs I either attract older men, or couples with a BBW woman, and mostly the soft play has included the couples wanting to play with my boobs etc, not really interested in my hubby.

 

A few months in and discussed together we should change our rules and also what we are looking for. We were interested to expand our horizons so to speak since actually finding couples to meet even for coffee etc proved to be hard. I'm not bi, although can touch a woman and enjoy it, so my main interest in in men. I like my men tall, I think its because my hubby is my type and a big girl like me is less likely to feel like a giant if the guy is taller. My hubby on the other hand is not a BBW lover. He does love me and my curves, but if given a chance, would opt me being 60 pounds smaller like I was when we met, and actually I'm working my way to get there.

 

That said, we are looking for something a bit different from what we are as a couple and that has proven to be difficult. We have only had two 4somes and both with couples where the woman had a good body, but the husbands were packing pounds in the mid section, also they were around my height.

Since prior to these 4somes, we had had a couple of threesomes with guys found from the online site after widening our search to threesomes as well. However have had very little luck finding women for threesomes, but my type of men, well, there are quite a few.

 

So, we had a few of those experiences, after which my hubby was not that into threesomes, since feels a bit leftout, not interested in voyering and since not all action includes both men (although my favourite part, dp, requires two), during those moments he doesn't really know what he should be doing.

 

That being the background, I wanted to give him some great experiences as well, and after searching and messaging we have met a few couples for coffee and set a play night with two separate occasions. Both nights were great for my hubby, he was really pleased. Described the wives as having great bodies and I'm happy for him that he got those experiences. Me, well, wouldn't do them again and after the second meet felt dirty as if I had sold my body. That guy was really into me I guess and felt like had to.play along since I saw my hubby having a lot of fun with her and was happy for him. Just didn't quite expect having the gush of awfulness after the fact. Having no desire to have sex after the meet (we always have hot steamy sex after swinging experiences), scrubbing myself vigorously in the shower and after my hubby fell asleep, almost started crying, I felt so awful. Can't really discuss about it with my hubby, since that would ruin the experience for him. I just said that it was "ok" when he asked, and that already worried him and made him ask if I regretted it. I told him no, because sincerely I was so happy for him, but I can't imagine doing it again and hope I never need to have that discussion. I just feel sort of obliged to create him chances to have fun as well.

 

We have a deep understanding for each other, swinging has deepened our connection even more and we have sexy sassy conversations all the time. He even is okay me seeing one of the guys we had a threesome solo during the weeks when I'm alone at work 150 miles away (guy lives in that city, is a man with open marriage, kids and we have met maybe once a month for the last 6 months, really my type, almost as tall as my hubby and athletic, sexually we really click and we also have a good connection and message each other several times a week, I can tell him about our adventures, he tells me his (he has bisexual side as well) and even regular stuff (my hubby and him and our kids share a hobby, and they both are coaching as well). Just sort of feels like a natural connection. And I have never met him without an okay from hubby beforehand, and always have told my hubby about the meets to the extent he wants.

 

So, if there still is someone reading this awfully long post, these are my questions I would really appreciate advice on:

 

1. How should we continue this adventure of ours, compromising just seems to be a bad solution, is there ever going to be a chance we would appeal to a couple that we would both fancy? As people we are humorous, my hubby a bit shy at first but me, I'm the crowd pleaser, the one who always even at work makes people laugh and I enjoy making people happy, so would not expect there to be a problem in that sense.

 

2) This solo thing, is it okay or some sort of a slippery slope? Not something I was looking for, nor that interested in trying with anyone else. We have an amazing connection with him, and if and when we stop this, would consider him as a friend that I would want to stay in contact with. My hubby says that its okay for me to see him, since he sees that he is important to me. I have asked him on several occasions would it be better if I didn't meet him anymore, also because it has been difficult to arrange something nice like a FMF for him etc but he sees no reason for me to need to stop. Deep inside being quite a conservative person, I just second guess, although this feels great and seems like everything is okay, is it still wrong for us?

 

Applause for anyone getting this far, and sorry for writing such a long story.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

To the first question, I'll have to say there aren't many swinging couples that haven't compromised on something hoping it would all work out in the end, and then it of course doesn't and the experience ends up being a bad one for one or both. I think the newer you are, the more likely this is to happen since your desire to take that next step to full swap can sort of cloud your judgment. The only solution there is trying to find more patience. Finding great playmates is tough, and it takes a LOT of patience and work. Also, maybe right or maybe wrong, one thing I picked up on from your post is that you seem to be ahead of your husband in desire to swing, comfort level, etc. That's not uncommon either, but one piece of advice would be to maybe put some extra effort into trying to stay more or less on the same line. That doesn't necessarily have to be accomplished by you backing up all the way to where he's at since there's things you can do to help him move forward a little quicker too. As with most things in life, there is a happy medium there somewhere, and once you find it, I predict things will get better.

 

Second question, hard to tell. What does your gut tell you? If both you and your husband think things are going great with this relationship, then I'd just go with it and enjoy. If either of you are having some nagging whispers in the back of your mind, then probably best to put some tighter restrictions on it. A lot of people here will tell you they have made some very, very close friends in swinging. Friends that are still friends way after the sexual aspect is gone. So, nothing wrong with a relationship that started with some recreational sex turning into a lasting and deeper friendship, as long as that is truly what it is, friendship, and not romantic attachment.

 

Swinging is great but it's a powerful thing, and seeking some advice from those who have been there before you is a good move and the first step on being able to manage swinging and not swinging manage you.

 

Good luck!

[njbm 2,868]

I will be brief. It is difficult to find a four way match. A friend says the odds are 24-1 that both swap partners like each other. So no matter the age, height or weight, swapping is hard.

 

The guy you meet on your away time would be a bridge too far for us. From my perspective, it seems that it would be easy for feelings to develop and it seems more like an affair than swinging, which to us is a together activity. But not judging, if it works for you, it’s ok with me.

 

Best of luck. We look at swinging as a fun hobby and we try not to take the inevitable rejections and misfires too seriously. We know it’s not going work most of the time. We just try to be kind and hope for it in return.

[padoc 1,703]

If this hobby was easy everybody would do it. Its worse than dating in high school wondering, "do they like us"? "how far should we go"? "will they call us"? "should we see them again?" "does my ass look too big when Im naked"? etc, etc. We've been doing this for 15 years and eventually quit looking for the "perfect" couple. If you look close enough, you can always find something to check off about one half of the couple or both of them. We've modified our criterion from compatible enough to share thanksgiving dinner to doable for an evening after recognizing that the sex is purely recreational. Still, we've kissed a lot of frogs in the process and will likely kiss some more before we go to the nursing home. Some of our experiences were worth repeating, some were not but with a very few exceptions, we've had a LOT of fun and quite a bit of good sex and way more than we would have had in a purely vanilla marriage. As you two gain more experience you should be able to refine your selection process so that ultimately the balance will tilt markedly to the plus side. Stay out there, continue to meet people, the worst that will happen is that you two won't get laid by strangers on a specific night. The best thing that can happen is dynamite sex with one or two or more people. When that happens, all those frog experiences fade to insignificance.

[Sweet&Salty 20]

Thank you, advice much appreciated.

 

I was the initiator of everything and also the one spending time online messaging with potential play friends etc. He is not that into spending that much time to all of this which I totally understand, him being really busy with sports, work, kids hobbies etc. Also, I'm the one with a higher sex drive.

 

I feel like he is into this swinging thing, he has said though that he would not have been able to suggest such a thing himself, somehow because he is a man and would consider it being bad. He is the one first to say if there is any bad feelings, that is this hobby worth having those feelings, and should we just call it quits? Not that he isn't into the experiences we've had, but he genuinely wants me to be happy, as I for him. The connection between us is super strong, we are able to discuss about anything.

 

But to what extent should I tell him how bad the last experience was for me? It was my choice, which was made for his benefit, but I have no desire to make him feel bad about it. I'm an adult, made my own bed and still happy for my hubby to have had a great experience.

 

About me meeting this other guy. My husband is fully aware, besides of our undying love, also my pretty much concrete fixed traditional values about families and marriages. I would best describe myself as a swan relationship wise. I have found my mate, built a life with him, have a family. If all would be lost I would never even consider having another spouse/family, I believe there is something after all this here, so that wouldn't sit well having multiple spouses on the other side ��. Well, enough of beliefs.

 

It is a mixed cake of feelings (lust, friendship, affection and attraction) that I have for this guy but neither of us describes it romantic. More like friend with benefits. My hubby knows that I'm the really honest type of a person, could not ever cheat, living with such a thing would be unbearable. He knows I would tell him the second I did something I would consider out of line.

 

This other guy also knows where I stand, and he has no romantic feelings for me (have discussed about this, he is also really considerate and asks about things being okay with my hubby and all). My husband says that the only thing about this arrangement that he ever wonders about is it not being something that the society would approve, otherwise he says he has no problem. Being a person with pretty conservative values, I also sometimes wonder about it. From a person believing that one should wait with sex until you find your true love to a married woman having lusty sex with another man without hubby. Pretty deep dive to the deep end of things, right? Just that it feels great, I have a great friend to chat with and he makes me feel wanted and super sexy (he is a really intense lover, and uses verbal stimulation as well). He has made me more relaxed, since I feel less deprived of the human close contact during the weeks, so weekends are more relaxed in terms of fex hubby being able to have some me time as well (before I was quite demanding, wanting to have the weekend for family time since being away during the week. Before hubby and kids would visit me one night (wed-thu) during the week, but since Fall 2018 not being able to do so anymore since kids are all in school now and school begins always really early for at least one of them.

 

So feelings about this arrangement are positive, but have read so many swingerstories about hall passes that solo activity and most experiences not so great, so that makes me wonder...

[ViSexual 1,008]

I'm thinking that you're feeling a little selfish, or guilty, or something similar for no good reason. It sounds like your husband and this other friend of yours are both quite OK with your arrangement.

 

It's really not about equality at all. It's more about fairness. And you are being fair. It sounds like your husband finds relief that you're getting the extra needs you have and he's not having to go above and beyond anymore to help you attain them.

 

 

Now I do think you should tell him about your not really enjoying that foursome. And, if you still have contact info with that couple, suggest that he contacts her and see if she swings alone.

[Sweet&Salty 20]

I'm thinking that you're feeling a little selfish, or guilty, or something similar for no good reason. It sounds like your husband and this other friend of yours are both quite OK with your arrangement.

 

It's really not about equality at all. It's more about fairness. And you are being fair. It sounds like your husband finds relief that you're getting the extra needs you have and he's not having to go above and beyond anymore to help you attain them.

 

 

Now I do think you should tell him about your not really enjoying that foursome. And, if you still have contact info with that couple, suggest that he contacts her and see if she swings alone.

 

When I look back at how we lived prior to this new hobby of ours, its easy to see why I feel selfish. We practically had one night during the previous year when still "vanilla" we took an overnight trip, me and hubby. Other than that, life was about family, working mad hours during the week making extra cash from overtime was a way for me to ease my mind about being away from my family, because all I did was benefiting them. Then weekends family time and getting sleep to manage next week of work. That was my life for over two years working in another city.

 

Now my life is quite different after I recovered from the surgeries. I go to the gym, started twerk lessons, go to basketball lessons once a week (used to play when I was a kid). Don't work as much, only a little overtime so I'm not quite as lucrative as I used to be, do less free work for my employer and have spent time with hubby arranging going to clubs, meets and play dates. Grandparents live near and have been a big help for overnights with kids so that fex hubby has come overnight to my work location (the rental has actually been a place where we have hosted a few times) and there is a swingers club in that city as well. So actually I have really been selfish, and that is not something I'm used to.

 

My hubby genuinely seems happy for the situation, me being more relaxed and letting him unwind as well (playing sports etc.), although I always did let him, I just did not show a happy face afterwards as I felt he was being selfish (I know, stupid of me ).

 

I think I will have a discussion with him about the foursome, at least enough for him to understand we won't be meeting them again. Prior to first foursome I remember thinking; will I be jealous? No, I wasn't. There was this happiness I felt having my hubby banging and licking her to orgasm, he must have been pleased with himself. A confidence boost of sorts. This time,although I was having a crappy time, whenever I had a chance to watch him doing her, I was having a grin on my face, happy to see him perform well.

 

Is this weird? Is it a bad sign that neither of us feels jealous of each other? Neither of us had any other sexual partners prior to getting together when just teenagers, so those women are the second and third ever for him.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Welcome Sweet&Salty.

When I read what you are doing, I immediately had a visual of your husband laying in bed, thinking about what his wife is doing at this moment. Even though I know my wife loves me unconditionally, I still would be wondering where I'd be living in 6 months. The possible emotional entanglement you are risking, can't be stopped by reasoning or communication. I do feel it is a slippery slope.

 

I had this discussion with a previous solo lover. We agreed that this is just sex and if feelings start to appear, the relationship should stop. Well, feelings did appear. They were not communicated until the person wanted to break my marriage and have me alone. This was a time of intense emotional anger. The things I was accused of by this person still haunt me. The sex was fun, the times were fun, then it all turned to shit. Are the experiences you are having worth the possibility of a lifetime of guilt?

You have it together, your husband has it together. The missing piece is the guy. You don't know him, as much as you think you do. The advise to me was always 'fuck it, not your problem, you explained it clearly'. Logic says yep, not my problem. The rest of me sees a life left in shambles from a relationship I was a part of.

 

I'm a little surprised at the nonchalant replies about this. Maybe a new post. Ask specifically about people's experience with doing this. I don't think there are many happy endings. I hope I'm wrong.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Background:That being the background, I wanted to give him some great experiences as well, and after searching and messaging we have met a few couples for coffee and set a play night with two separate occasions. Both nights were great for my hubby, he was really pleased. Described the wives as having great bodies and I'm happy for him that he got those experiences. Me, well, wouldn't do them again and after the second meet felt dirty as if I had sold my body. That guy was really into me I guess and felt like had to.play along since I saw my hubby having a lot of fun with her and was happy for him. Just didn't quite expect having the gush of awfulness after the fact. Having no desire to have sex after the meet (we always have hot steamy sex after swinging experiences), scrubbing myself vigorously in the shower and after my hubby fell asleep, almost started crying, I felt so awful. Can't really discuss about it with my hubby, since that would ruin the experience for him.

 

This struck me hard, because at some point, it's something I can see Mrs. EastInWest having felt if we hadn't been careful enough. She is also someone raised traditionally and very committed to having one love in her life, but also with a powerful sex drive. The first time we went to a strip club together she was simultaneously a little morally outraged at what she'd witnessed and incredibly turned on, and fascinated by the dancers and the idea of entertaining so many men a night. In fact, she was clearly thinking about it for days.

 

Those are all conversations that have to be had about what is taboo, what is just for fun, what we need to be happy, and what won't make us happy, and I feel like you acknowledge that you don't feel totally prepared to have them. If it went so far that you're traumatized by the sex, it went too far before you got a chance to talk about it. If Mrs. E ever "almost started crying" after doing something I'd wanted her to do, I'd be crushed, but I'd certainly want to know that, hopefully before we got there.

 

...to the strip club story, I bring it up because you mentioned feeling like you "sold your body". That night turned out to be the first time Mrs. E allowed that not all sex acts are sex in her mental model, and that in fact, she didn't really see a clear relationship between having intercourse for money and giving handjobs for money. One, to her, was just a pleasurable form of touch closer to dancing and massage, where the other involved real intimacy. Understanding that was an important insight in realizing what might and what might not hurt feelings when we started experimenting. Since then, we've figured out other boundaries and been careful to talk about them in full, both in bed and out of it, but it'd be a disaster if we couldn't.

 

Sorry for framing so much of this in terms of our own experiences, it's not just me droning on about myself but trying to relate it to what I know.

 

Prior to first foursome I remember thinking; will I be jealous? No, I wasn't. There was this happiness I felt having my hubby banging and licking her to orgasm, he must have been pleased with himself. A confidence boost of sorts. �� This time,although I was having a crappy time, whenever I had a chance to watch him doing her, I was having a grin on my face, happy to see him perform well. Is this weird? Is it a bad sign that neither of us feels jealous of each other? Neither of us had any other sexual partners prior to getting together when just teenagers, so those women are the second and third ever for him.

 

It isn't a bad sign at all, provided you're both having a good time. Some people come here to tell their stories and you can see that one partner is being dragged along against their will, and it's a doomed project. In your case, it seems more like you both want to play, but haven't quite seen eye-to-eye on how.

 

Some years back, when we were first looking into this, I ended up going down a rabbithole Google Translating a French swinging forum. I was amused that someone asked if there was a female equivalent of candaulism, in which the woman was aroused by her husband pleasing other women. The reply was something like "don't be stupid, all women like that". Having fun watching your husband perform and not being jealous about it might be less than totally common, but hardly weird at all.

 

I agree with the other comments that playing solo is different from playing together and potentially a difficult situation. It's something we're testing, as well, at least for a bit. At least for us, an ongoing regular play partner would not be on the table at this time, and I think it's an added issue that your husband isn't particularly "into" it, but rather just tolerating it. It's important that the games are fun for everyone playing.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Sweet, you asked two questions in your original post. How should you continue? Will the solo thing blow up on you?

 

Both answers are really easy. First of all, you and your husband should have great respect for each other, and communicate with each other. It seems you've got that. Secondly, is it fun? If it is, do it, if not don't do it.

 

Yes, you are probably going to have some less than fantastic experiences. You have that with any hobby. Ever see anybody get frustrated because they have a bad bowling night? You may even have a bad experience. But some of your times (hopefully more than most,) will be great.

 

Swinging, like all of life, is what you make of it.

[luv2was 117]

.... Can't really discuss about it with my hubby, since that would ruin the experience for him....

I would be really careful with this one. The moment you start intentionally cutting back on communication, I can pretty well assure you that it will not make for a pleasant journey.

 

.... I just feel sort of obliged to create him chances to have fun as well....

This sort of sounds like "Taking one for the team", and most folks here would agree that is a slippery slope as well.

 

.... 2) This solo thing, is it okay or some sort of a slippery slope?....

As has been mentioned, this can lead to a complicated situation... but it is your life, and my suggestion here is to simply decide how you want to live it.

 

:-)

 

It is my belief that as long as everyone involved is clear on their own boundaries, and everyone has respect for each others boundaries, then the chances of it all being a good experience are fairly high.

 

We are all imperfect beings, in an imperfect world. Slips & slides along the way are almost inevitable. How we react to any situation, good or bad, is what truly defines us. I agree that PATIENCE in the Lifestyle (or any kind of relationship for that matter) is an extremely important quality to possess.

 

If we were born with all the knowledge we needed to navigate life without a scratch, how interesting would that be? ... (i.e. Sometimes taking a risk can have very high rewards... sometimes not.)

 

You seem to have your priorities straight, making the marriage & family first. Anything else is just icing on the cake. You also seem to be approaching this with a decent amount of thought and care, which is a good thing. (Kudos for that.)

 

Enjoy the journey. Keep your relationships truthful, and be honest with communication. (Respect and trust will surely follow.) Approach growth with a joyful heart. If you can manage all that, odds are pretty good that in the end, you will be satisfied with the path you have taken (whichever direction it takes you).

 

One last nugget. Are you familiar with the term "Polyamory"? If not, then you may want to give it a look. I cannot say at this point if you fit the profile, but if you do, understanding it may help you find some of the answers you are seeking for yourself, and that is gratifying 100% of the time.

 

Oh! BTW...

Welcome to the Swingers Board ... :-D

 

;-)

[Sweet&Salty 20]

I would be really careful with this one. The moment you start intentionally cutting back on communication, I can pretty well assure you that it will not make for a pleasant journey.

 

 

This sort of sounds like "Taking one for the team", and most folks here would agree that is a slippery slope as well.

 

 

As has been mentioned, this can lead to a complicated situation... but it is your life, and my suggestion here is to simply decide how you want to live it.

 

:-)

 

It is my belief that as long as everyone involved is clear on their own boundaries, and everyone has respect for each others boundaries, then the chances of it all being a good experience are fairly high.

 

We are all imperfect beings, in an imperfect world. Slips & slides along the way are almost inevitable. How we react to any situation, good or bad, is what truly defines us. I agree that PATIENCE in the Lifestyle (or any kind of relationship for that matter) is an extremely important quality to possess.

 

If we were born with all the knowledge we needed to navigate life without a scratch, how interesting would that be? ... (i.e. Sometimes taking a risk can have very high rewards... sometimes not.)

 

You seem to have your priorities straight, making the marriage & family first. Anything else is just icing on the cake. You also seem to be approaching this with a decent amount of thought and care, which is a good thing. (Kudos for that.)

 

Enjoy the journey. Keep your relationships truthful, and be honest with communication. (Respect and trust will surely follow.) Approach growth with a joyful heart. If you can manage all that, odds are pretty good that in the end, you will be satisfied with the path you have taken (whichever direction it takes you).

 

One last nugget. Are you familiar with the term "Polyamory"? If not, then you may want to give it a look. I cannot say at this point if you fit the profile, but if you do, understanding it may help you find some of the answers you are seeking for yourself, and that is gratifying 100% of the time.

 

Oh! BTW...

Welcome to the Swingers Board ... :-D

 

;-)

 

Thank you for your insight, it gave me something to think about.

 

Polyamory as a term is something I have been looking at, as I do recognize in me the need for a deeper connection to fully enjoy our experiences in LS. I have no intention ever, how ever much feeling there would come, to leave my true love, the man I trust in this world more than anyone else and know he will stand by me as well. On another hand I somehow have started to feel that having a bit deeper connection with someone other than my husband wouldn't be something that would take away from him. I read from a description of polyamory that it is similar to having multiple children. The amount of love you feel for your children is not something that will be divided in shares, having a certain maximum amount. There is always more to be given.

 

I enjoy the contact with my male friend, I feel he understands and shares some interests that I don't share with my husband, it is nice to have the ability to have a contact like that. However nice I feel this guy is, he has done things in his life my morals would never approve, which is also one thing that has made me think that this is safe to continue. Never ever could I want to actually share a life with a person like that, no matter what happened. Still, having this frienship has helped me to step down a bit from moral highground, to actually be able to be more understanding about people and life, which I think will also help in the future when trying to teach teenage kids about life and be understanding of their possible misshaps. I sure used to be one tough lady with my ideas what is right and what is wrong. Still, for me these criteria have remained the same, however it helps in human relationships to be less judgemental and I enjoy the new me. ?

[couplers 4,616]

I give you both great credit for opening up and giving each other the gift (especially you for enduring what you did so your husband could enjoy himself) of sexual freedom, and for being wise enough to adjust to your feeling and circumstances. Unlike many people here, I see nothing wrong with alone play. We do it and it is not only a different kind of pleasure with a partner, but it also makes the lusting for your spouse greater than anything.

 

There's no reason to tell your husband about your bad experience unless you feel it's necessary for your own mental well-being, but be honest generally with each other.

[machiavel55 81]

I have no intention ever, how ever much feeling there would come, to leave my true love, the man I trust in this world more than anyone else and know he will stand by me as well. On another hand I somehow have started to feel that having a bit deeper connection with someone other than my husband wouldn't be something that would take away from him. .........

 

I enjoy the contact with my male friend, I feel he understands and shares some interests that I don't share with my husband, it is nice to have the ability to have a contact like that. However nice I feel this guy is, he has done things in his life my morals would never approve, which is also one thing that has made me think that this is safe to continue. Never ever could I want to actually share a life with a person like that, no matter what happened. Still, having this frienship has helped me to step down a bit from moral highground, to actually be able to be more understanding about people and life, which I think will also help in the future when trying to teach teenage kids about life and be understanding of their possible misshaps. I sure used to be one tough lady with my ideas what is right and what is wrong. Still, for me these criteria have remained the same, however it helps in human relationships to be less judgemental and I enjoy the new me.

 

First of all, you must come clean with your husband about the swap, the woman's comments, etc...

 

Second, you may not see yourself leaving your husband, but developing feelings for another man may cause irreparable damage to your couple and hurt your husband.

Also it's not you who can decide if feelings for this guy will take away from your husband. Only your husband can decide if it takes things away from him.

You don't need to leave him to hurt him. And you cannot predict how these potential feelings would impact your couple and if you'll be able to control them. None of us can predict things when romantic feelings develop, yes, romantic. People who say ''I'll never leave him, her, will always love him, her, will not have romantic feelings for him, her...etc..are very naive.

You are making excuses to pursue a connection and probably sex with a man that you seem to already like a lot. I only see problems coming from you going solo, because it's clear you are not being 100% honest with yourself and most of al, you do not know yourself.