The best laid plans, expectations, and compromises

[the Nomads 78]

So after a month of discussion between the two of us Mrs. Nomad and I decided to check out a party since clubs aren't really our thing. A member on here recommended the FL Treehouse and I have to say he has pretty good taste in house parties. We got a great tour right after we walked in the door and they were excited to find out we were newbies. Our plan was to simply wander and mingle and see what there was to see but ended up meeting this couple and talking with them most of the night. We were up front that we were just looking at this time and that the probability of any sort of playing was pretty low. We ended up talking most of the night with small breaks to eat a piece of pizza while watching our first flogging. I'm not sure if pizza is an appropriate flogging spectator food or not but I don't think they had popcorn. So we've been talking with the couple for the last day or two. There are a few things we were pretty up front about. 1 - We are looking to connect as a foursome both in bed and out of bed. A friends with benefits situation. 2 - We want to do everything together. As this is all new to us we want to learn as much as we can together. I'm all for the four of us going out to dinner together with a little playing under the table among the 4 of us and go back to the hotel or home and play up to our soft swap limits.

 

In talking with the couple he kept asking to take Mrs. N on a date and I could set something up with his wife. I thought maybe last night we didn't make it clear but we are interested in doing stuff as a foursome. Maybe in the future once there is a trust and comfort level with the other couple we would be ok with separate dates and getting together later for some 4 way play but for now we are both learning and want to learn together. After the third or fourth time politely saying she didn't want to go on a date alone with him we finally decided to go our separate ways amicably. His response though was that he felt we didn't really want the friends thing and that all we wanted was play. That may be the case but we are still trying to figure that out. He also said we should just jump all the way in instead of taking it slow. So my questions:

 

1. Is the expectation of looking for a couple to go hang out with and essentially date as a foursome and play as a foursome unrealistic? We may be up to doing separate activities outside the bedroom in the future once there is some trust but for now that is the level we set for ourselves. What we visualized is someone we can go out and have a nice dinner with or take a vacation or cruise or even have them over to go out on the boat with us for an overnight. If the answer this this is yes that is unrealistic it simply means that we need to discuss what we are looking for further and adjust if we both agree to it.

 

2. Is it considered pushy to repeatedly ask for a date with someone else's wife separately after being told that they prefer to do everything together? We weren't sure if we didn't convey that clearly or not so it could have been poor communication on our side.

 

3. Is it possible to take things slow or should we consider jumping straight into it full swap? Obviously we would need to take that back into a discussion between the Mrs. and I and see if that is something we want do but I'm skeptical if that is the only way to go about it.

 

 

Beyond that we had a blast at the party and still like the couple and will most likely revisit them as we grow in the lifestyle and get comfortable with where they are. The house was amazing and we are upset that work takes us away for the next 2-3 weekends. We will definitely be back and hope to do a lot more.

 

So fire away with questions and comments.

[samandtammi 99]

Hi Nomad!

I think house parties are not the best place for newbies. There is usually a certain expectation when you attend a party. Swing clubs, IMO, are a much better place for you to start. You are nobody's guest and therefore are free to do or not do whatever you choose. It's easy to walk away from a situation that makes you uncomfortable and you can move at your own pace.

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for many years and we have never separated to play. We don't go on dates with other couples alone, and we don't play in separate rooms. We have never had a problem. Although there are some couples who do this, I would not say they are in the majority.

I also would not say to jump into full swap. Do what is comfortable for the both of you and swingers will understand. We were all new at one time and moved at own speed. It took us over a year to full swap. Nodoby ever complained, but we were always honest and upfront before heading into any play area.

Good Luck!

[the Nomads 78]

Thanks for the feedback SamandTammi.

[padoc 1,704]

Going out separately in a swinging situation requires a great deal of trust and that trust can only be established with time and experience in this hobby. You two have neither. In my opinion, it was presumptuous for the guy to suggest a 1 on 1 date with your wife knowing you were a new couple and it was flat out disrespectful to continue down that path in spite of your initial refusal. We had met a couple at a M&G and later had a get to know you happy hour with them. I learned later that he had passed a note to Mrs Doc asking that they go out without the spouses. Funny thing, the other wife and I were getting on just fine and a 4-some might well have happened that night. I was surprised when my wife abruptly brought the evening to a close but we had long since established that OUR relationship is primary so I followed her lead. Needless to say we never saw that couple again.

 

As for taking it slow, your relationship is primary as well and you should move as quickly or as slowly as you two decide. No one else gets to tell you how to behave in this hobby particularly since you're contemplating getting naked with other people. Our rule of thumb with a new couple is that we play ONLY to the level of the least comfortable among us. Feel free to adopt it for yourselves. Its served us well for more than 15 years.

[Alura 2,775]

Mrs. Alura and I had separate date with regular playmates. It came after we knew them well. The goal was to meet our opposites in a situation where we didn't have to deal with all four. We often went to the same restaurant, dined with our playmates and joined up after dinner.

 

We fell into this when we realized that Mr. Playmate rarely entered into the conversation when we were all four together. Mrs. Alura suggested we do the "dating" thing so she could talk to him and find out if he was really into swinging. He was a lot more outgoing when he was only with her and assured her that he wanted to swing. He was just a bit shy. It worked out.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Pleased to read that you had a good time at The Treehouse. You handled the situation with that man who wanted a date with your wife exactly as you should have.

[the Nomads 78]

Thanks SW. I think we are going to try and check out a club while we are traveling to new orleans.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

1. Is the expectation of looking for a couple to go hang out with and essentially date as a foursome and play as a foursome unrealistic?

 

Absolutely not. Finding that elusive four way match is not easy, but it CAN be done (we are a perfect example of that, we've been seeing one couple for 5-6+ years)

 

2. Is it considered pushy to repeatedly ask for a date with someone else's wife separately after being told that they prefer to do everything together?

 

It is either that he is extremely rude or just stupid. He wanted something that you already said you didn't want. It isn't a match...next couple please.

 

3. Is it possible to take things slow or should we consider jumping straight into it full swap?

 

Take things at a pace that is good for ALL FOUR involved. There's no reason to rush and if it is a match, then everyone will be willing to move at the speed of the slowest person (one of our golden rules: never move faster than the slowest person is comfortable with).

 

Not a match, but that isn't saying that match isn't out there for the two of you. Keep looking and don't compromise on your standards (it will only lead to regret afterwards). Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[the Nomads 78]

So an update. We kind of let things go by the wayside with the couple mentioned above. I'm not saying we won't ever revisit them and we clicked to the point that we would probably play at a party but we finally broke through. As its a change in topic though you will have to see it in a different thread. I just wanted to let everyone know you helped us wrap our minds around what we were thinking. Our confidence was doing well last night. This morning its at new levels.

 

Mr. Nomad

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

BTW: Pizza is a perfectly fine finger food for a flogging.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

No, it's not unreasonable to want to do things only as a foursome. That is the only way we do it. I figure that if I want to have sex with just one person, I'd do it with my gf.

 

Yes, it's rude to tell someone no and have the person persist.

 

Personally, I think slow is best. Go only as far as you are sure you are comfortable going. That will tell you if you are comfortable going further. Some people seem to think jumping in is better, but the thing about that is, you can't undo it if it creates a problem and you decide this isn't really for you.

[BriBriMaddy 15]

1. Is the expectation of looking for a couple to go hang out with and essentially date as a foursome and play as a foursome unrealistic? We may be up to doing separate activities outside the bedroom in the future once there is some trust but for now that is the level we set for ourselves. What we visualized is someone we can go out and have a nice dinner with or take a vacation or cruise or even have them over to go out on the boat with us for an overnight. If the answer this this is yes that is unrealistic it simply means that we need to discuss what we are looking for further and adjust if we both agree to it.

 

——Absolutely not unrealistic. This our goal as well. What people want from the LS is different for every couple.

We 100% want to play and hang out as a foursome and that is what we do. The hard part is finding the four way chemistry. Even if the men are straight, my husband feels it’s important to have a platonic “attraction” to the man. It helps him to feel more comfortable in a play situation. I’m Bi so the lady attraction is pretty much built in already for us ladies. We have a couple that we love to go out on the town with and just have fun vanilla dates together or make dinner and have a glass of wine. It really brings the energy during play to a trusting a comfortable space.

Now, not everyone is like this. Some people just want the sex. For us, the sex is only as good as our level of comfortability with the other couple.

 

2. Is it considered pushy to repeatedly ask for a date with someone else's wife separately after being told that they prefer to do everything together? We weren't sure if we didn't convey that clearly or not so it could have been poor communication on our side.

 

——- Yes. He should have left it at the one no thank you and stopped asking. I would tread lightly with them as they seem to not respect boundaries which is a big No No. if they don’t respect a simple no in a conversation, they won’t respect it in play. Just a caution.

 

3. Is it possible to take things slow or should we consider jumping straight into it full swap? Obviously we would need to take that back into a discussion between the Mrs. and I and see if that is something we want do but I'm skeptical if that is the only way to go about it

 

——TAKE IT SLOW. Do not jump in just because it worked for someone else.

You are a team. You know your team better than anyone. Do what feels right for you and fuck everyone else. (Sorry for the language but, I mean it)

Only go at the pace of the slowest partner.

This is not a race to the finish line.

The finish line does not exist.

You two make your own decisions based on YOUR EXPERIENCES, not anyone else’s. ♥️

 

Have fun!

[the Nomads 78]

Welcome BriBriMaddy. This appears to be your first post and while it wasn't that long ago seeing it pop up brought back some memories. Thanks for the reinforcement. We have definitely figured out what we are looking for now. She has officially decided she likes the ladies and I have officially decided that I like that she likes the ladies. We are looking for couples to meet up with and get to know before playing. Unfortunately life got in the way with getting our toys moved from DC to Florida (RV and sailboat) but we are starting to get back into it. Welcome to the site if you are new and if not welcome to the club of former lurkers.