The Open Marriage Thing

[Guest]

For us, and I might be completely wrong, an open marriage is more like a don't ask don't tell thing. And somehow your partner's sexual activity is of no concern. By our definition, we are not in an open marriage. We swing, and we also have passes to step out and play alone, but it is a shared experience and we share in the eroticism. Allow me to explain.

 

When we began, as swingers, the whole idea and excitement was based on us sharing. By definition, I believe to be a swinger, you have to have something to share, something to give up. It is very erotic for us to share an experience, the physical as well as the mind fuck. We graduated to playing separately with the halves of couples we dated. We did this because it was exciting as well as convenient. For example, a husband may call me or text me during the morning and ask me if I wanted to play at lunch. This was a lot of fun for several reasons. Obviously, it created instant anticipation, and added the adventure of getting away for a quickie at lunch. Sometimes if distance wasn't an issue, I'd go home and meet my lover, lift my dress, get off in a few minutes, and head back to work. OR sometimes, we'd play with a little danger, and screw in the car, or in the parking garage. It's very exciting. The other thing it created, was intense desire, because it was shared. I'd tell my husband about it, and also provide what we call, proof of sex. With friends, I would just have them snap a couple before and after pictures, or record a short movie. Then I would share it with my husband. It would drive him absolutely crazy in lust and give him a rush to deal with until we reconnected when everyone got home. My husband did the same to me. It is a totally shared experience.

 

From this we graduated to me being a hot wife and basically, we would talk, and I would go out on a mission, like after work to happy hour, pick up a man, and get laid. I would also try and get proof of sex. Sometimes pictures and recording wasn't available, but we had ways around that. For example I might bring the guy to our house, and my husband would stay in his office and listen to what I was doing. It is always a shared experience in some way. The next step was to just do it spontaneously, which I like the best. There is no pressure to find someone or get into a rush. So, now, if I see a man that attracts me, I am curious and horny, I can act upon it anytime. I do travel often, and this happens on trips. I always tell him about what I did and try to get proof of sex. For example, I have just propped up my Ipad on a chair, or leave it sticking out of the top of my purse, and connect my husband on Skype. It's shared and very exciting to do that.

 

If you really want to drive your husband into a sexual frenzy, try this...I have had a few spontaneous lunch trysts. I just finish and pull up my panties and head back to work. But, I stop by my husband's office on the way. In his office, I just say, "Guess what I did?" And I pull off my nasty, cummy panties, and leave them with him. Oooof! If you want to completely ruin your husband's afternoon for accomplishing anything other than thinking about you, try this. And when he get's home, you're going to get raped! lol

 

Again, our definition of open marriage may not fit yours, but this is how we deal with it.

 

Look What I Did Honey!

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think it's wonderful if this works for you. The sexual freedom is a real rush.

 

My wife can have sex with whomever she likes, but we talk beforehand. I might not ever meet the guy, but I always know where she is and with whom. It's a safety thing. She knows the cavalry is available if necessary, and this puts her more at ease. She has a better time for it. She's never had a problem with one of her lovers, but all the same this makes her more comfortable. We've talked about the idea of going to a nice club in a very upscale hotel, and having me watch as she gets picked up by a guy and takes him to our room. Hasn't happened yet, but perhaps someday.

[SexySixties 25]

Half the fun is telling each other what we did and how it felt. I go crazy as she describes another man cumming inside her. It is the hottest thing she could do--describe the feeling to me. She also goes crazy when I tell her how the other woman clutches me when she feels me cumming inside her. We both do it bare, and only with people we trust so STDs are not a major concern but the lust and thrill is real.

[Numex 2,409]

For us, and I might be completely wrong, an open marriage is more like a don't ask don't tell thing. And somehow your partner's sexual activity is of no concern..

It doesn't matter what you call it, every couple does what they like, the way they like it.

We are much the same as you, but no strangers and there's no need to bring "proof." We both engage in twosome and threesome play alone, and discuss it to varying degrees later. Sometimes it was just a quick one and not much to talk about, but it's always mentioned.

[kittyswinger 260]

Hello guys! I enjoy your experiences which are similar to mine with my man but I need your thoughts or opinions about my specific situation that is bugging my mind.

 

We do swing and do it separately if we wish to. Im into polyamoury too and I can keep a bf or lover and it's ok with him. Our boundaries are pretty much open and flexible, except for 2 donts: pregnancy and STIs so I do take extra precautions on those. I let him know of my partners and adventures. My other bf is shy and doesnt like the idea of sharing our sexual life with my primary partner. I discussed that with my man and he consented that he respects the autonomy of my sexual life with my bf. I still share with him our other activities and of my swing experiences with other men that really attracted me.

 

But this is where Im conflicted and feeling some guilt. My bf tried swinging too (we as a cpl) and appears to have enjoyed it so far (3soms or with other cpls). I feel guilty that my partner can't know about this. Is this an extension of our sexual life (me and my bf's) so it should remain private? If I tell, I might lose my bf as he might feel betrayed? What are your thoughts? Thanks

[adamgunn 1,460]

Kitty, if I’m reading this right I think you have a real problem here.

 

You were just a little confusing here, so let me reiterate what I think you’re saying. If I’ve got it wrong, please correct me.

 

You have an SO, let’s call him Bob. Although you’re not married, you think of him as your primary partner, and you want him around in a few years when it’s time to settle down, raise babies, buy a house, etc. He’s important to you. You and Bob swing together from time to time, and Bob allows you to go solo with other men if you choose to. (I assume you also give Bob the same freedom.)

 

You have one guy you really like, Xavier. He’s a fuck buddy, but he’s not the guy you want to settle down with. For whatever reason, he doesn’t want you telling Bob what you do with him. You told Bob that, and Bob said it’s cool, *with this one man, and this one man only.* Bob expects if you hook up with anyone else, he’ll know about it.

 

Have I got that right?

 

Now you throw a wrinkle in: you are swinging with Xavier. Threesomes, swapping, who knows what else. In other words you’re having sex with Don, Ed and Frank. Bob expects you’re going to tell him about those other guys. But because you’re doing it with Xavier, and there’s this loophole, you aren’t telling Bob about Don, etc.

 

This is very dangerous! Because you’re not being honest with your SO. If (when!) Bob finds out about this, he’s likely to be pissed. If I were Bob, I’d feel you were breaking your word by having multiple partners that I didn’t know about when I only gave you permission to have anonymous sex with Xavier. This will lead to a lot of drama, and very possibly a break up with Bob.

 

What to do

 

If I’ve got all of that right so far, I’m going to do something I rarely advise people to do: Hide the truth from Bob. NEVER tell him about Don, Ed, etc. Not now, not when you’re old and grey.

 

But at the same time, correct the situation. This can be done in one of two ways. First (and I think this is the best solution,) tell Xavier you’ll continue to fuck him if he wants, but you’re not going to swing with him any longer. In short, go back to your original agreement with Bob.

 

Secondly, you could go to Bob and tell him Xavier wants you to swing with him. (Don’t tell him you’ve already done that.) See what Bob’s reaction is. Maybe he’ll say okay, but you have to tell him about it. Maybe he’ll say okay, and it’s fine to keep it quiet because that’s the way Xavier wants it. And maybe he’ll say, ‘Hell, no! (I think the last reaction is the most likely.) There’s even a realistic chance he’ll want you to break up with Xavier. Whatever Bob decides accept it, if you want to keep Bob as your Significant Other. Then tell Xavier of Bob’s decision, and tell him that’s the way it’s going to be. If Xavier doesn’t like it, you may have to break up with Xavier.

 

I wish you luck, but you’re in a real pickle. It isn’t going to be easy.

[kittyswinger 260]

Thank u so much @adamgunn for taking some time to look at my situation and write down your thoughts and pieces of advice. You got the situation right.

 

Right now, I feel bad abt myself. Your first suggestion is doable and what I should have done at the start. The second one is something Im not sure I can do yet. It might get the situation worse if he gets the hint. While i feel its time to come clean with my SO about it but...I really never intended to cheat or deceive anyone in the first place. Im more inclined to fix it with bf and put to stop to our swinging together and face the consequence, rather than make it appear that my SO dislikes it. U think that will work?

[kittyswinger 260]

We've talked about the idea of going to a nice club in a very upscale hotel, and having me watch as she gets picked up by a guy and takes him to our room. Hasn't happened yet, but perhaps someday.

This has also been a planned "project" with my partner (SO) for a long time but haven't figured out yet a way how to do this safely. How can he watch the entire scene without being seen or the guy not being creeped out being watched. Any ideas?

[adamgunn 1,460]

Kitty,

 

"I really never intended to cheat or deceive anyone in the first place."

 

I'm sure of that. Stuff happens, we go with the flow thinking it'll be fine, and all of a sudden we see the trap we've put ourselves in. I've done it dozens of times, I'm sure it's happened to you in the past and will in the future. Don't beat yourself up about it, make amends as best you can and move on.

 

"Im more inclined to fix it with bf and put to stop to our swinging together and face the consequence, rather than make it appear that my SO dislikes it. U think that will work?"

 

Are you sure you want to stop swinging? Does your BF want to stop? I don't see that it's been particularly harmful to you, so unless there's something else, you might just decide to take a break and revisit swinging later.

 

I do think, since you've agreed with it, that stopping swinging with 'Xavier' is your best bet. I think he may be confusing you, and possibly harming your relationship with your BF.

 

And whatever, if you continue to swing, make sure that your BF knows about *every* interaction you have without him. That includes the ones with Xavier. (If he still wants to hide from your boyfriend after the talk you're going to have to have with him, he's being duplicitous and not doing you any favors. He's harming your primary relationship, which may mean he doesn't care that much about it.)

 

Try to let your boyfriend know about your sex beforehand, and if not as soon as humanly possible afterward. Swinging needs to have perfect honesty, else your primary relationship will suffer.

 

The best of luck to you.

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

For us open marriage would probably end badly, but I have told her if she finds someone she wants to have sex with, she has to bring him (or her) home. Not that I would want to join, but I want to know who it is.

[kittyswinger 260]

Hi adamgunn!

Thanks again for your thoughts. To make my writing concise, i will formalize the monickers u suggested: Bob = my SO, long time partner, primary bf, we swing occassionally; Xavier = secondary bf (known to Bob), swinging together but unknown to Bob.

 

As you pointed out, revealing my mistake to Bob maybe too late and might be damaging to our relationship so i would choose a path correction instead and strive for the higher ground henceforth. I will be talking with Xavier soon to put to stop to our swinging without involving Bob to it. (I still fear, though a very slim chance only, that Xavier can talk to Bob abt it....which will be a total disaster for my part). If it will hurt Xavier and this breaks our relationship, then i have to take this consequence.

 

But between Bob and myself, I have no plans of quitting swinging together, unless we negotiate a new arrangement. It only slowed down and became occassional when I tried a poly relationship with Xavier. Bob respects the new dynamics and besides, the shared time betweem my 2 men limited our swing adventures. For the first 3 yrs, Xavier did not want to share me with other men (except for Bob), until we opened up and did swinging together.

 

Im thinking now...if Xavier takes well my request to stop and decides not to end our relationship, will I have the ethical high ground to resume active swinging with Bob (without telling Xavier)? Will I not be in the same dilemma? Or should i end it with Xavier for good? "To bring back the balance to the Force", so to speak. Im saying this in jest but it wont be easy... I loved him too.

[lcmim 1,081]

Time for the decision Is Bob your Primary of not? Not primary bf but Primary. What is owed to one is not necessarily owed to the other.

 

Two BFs and what you do with each is not necessarily the other business , with the exception of health issues.

 

If the two are equal, then what is ones right should be the others, also.

 

You would not be the first person to try juggling two bed mates., nor the last.

Sooner or later they either both go away, two of you choose each other as a pair-bond, or the three form some type of polypod.

That latter most likely means full disclosure all around.

 

If I were Bob and I wanted you as a long term partner, I would want to know.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Kitty, good to see you're thinking about it.

 

As you pointed out, Xavier is a ticking time bomb, because he knows a secret that Bob doesn't, that he's been swinging with you. And, as you pointed out, he may spill the beans either unintentionally or intentionally. And it's all complicated by the fact that you're in a semi-polygamous lifestyle with both of them. What to do?

 

Well, you can end the relationship with Xavier. That would hurt, I know. But there are advantages. I think Xavier is hurting your relationship with Bob, this path would stop that, give your primary relationship with Bob a chance to heal. Plus (unless they know each other,) your indiscretions with Xavier would never be known to Bob.

 

Or, you can keep going with both of them under the new guidelines (Swinging with Bob, sex with Xavier *telling Bob each time*) and hope that it hangs together. With this one, you'll be subjected to some tremendous pressure from Xavier to do things you may not want.

 

You're in a pickle. Hope it works out for you.

[kittyswinger 260]

Thanks again @adamgunn. I will consider all the points u raised.

 

Thanks too @Icmim for your inputs. It's supposed to be a V or Vee and ideally should be equals. While Xavier is the younger and more powerful sexual partner, but I realized I value more my relationship wd Bob and his feelings. So now it becomes hierarchical...there's a primary and a secondary.

[kittyswinger 260]

@adamgunn I had the talk with Xavier and it is ok with him if I'm not comfortable with swinging with any person. He respects my No. But he subtly reminded me of the independence of our relationship with Bob. He didnt give me any reason to escalate. I floated to Bob the idea that Xavier is interested in swinging with a cpl flirting with us. He said if it is essential to our sexual life and I'm not forced into it, he can't stop me as long as I take care of my health. Though he would appreciate it if he knows where we do it as an extra precaution but it's all up to me. We live in a place where there are huge number of unresolved cases of missing women.

 

It feels great to have awesome partners. But I think I made a boboo. I should have talked to Bob first. Now am I obliged to tell Xavier if I do swing with Bob? (Any input from anybody here are welcome)

[adamgunn 1,460]

Kitty, glad you had the talk. I'm a little concerned with your statement. "He said if it is essential to our sexual life and I'm not forced into it, he can't stop me"

 

First, that's a sort of negative comment. Of course Bob *can't* stop you, but does he want to? That's unclear to me. If he does wish that you wouldn't swing with Xavier, I believe it would be better if you didn't. But, as Bob is saying, it's your life.

 

Second, is swinging with Xavier *essential* to your sexual happiness? Probably not.

 

But my confusion may be from just the way you phrased your post.

 

Your second question: Do you have to tell Xavier what you do with Bob? No. Bob is your primary, your significant other. Xavier should understand that. (If he doesn't, you should make him understand.) Xavier is something you have in addition to your primary, and he has few 'rights.' In fact, I wouldn't tell him what you do with Bob - the chances of Xavier getting upset or trying to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do increases.

 

And I'll go back to one of my original points: It seems Xavier is confusing your life, not adding to it. Are you sure you want such a relationship with Xavier?

[Numex 2,409]

... I have told her if she finds someone she wants to have sex with, she has to bring him (or her) home. Not that I would want to join, but I want to know who it is.

I understand perfectly. We started with my wife fucking two exes (separately) because it was easy all around. The one was nearby she fucked at an hotel and at our home, and the other in another state was in hotels, but I met them both. It was my wife who eventually insisted to them that I join occasionally.

[rozy161 16]

wonderful thought and experienced