First threesome, after the storm need guidance ;)

[FreaknChic 15]

Hi There!

We are new here and as a little bit information of more experienced people makes you wiser here we go !

I (woman) am new to swing lifestyle. I always fantasized about it but never really tried up untill last week with my partner of 4 years.

He had threesome in the past and kept many nice memories about it.

We were up untill now open to the discussion, I find we have a good communication but we remained monogamous till now due to my attachment style (I had issues that I worked on therapy) and to the fact that, actually, we were satisfied with each other.

My therapy was over and I wanted to give it a go.

We started with a threesome.

I read the ethical slut like the bible and we invited the girl to eat with us in order to break the ice first.

It went wel/neutral, I am not really Bi, more heteroflexible/sapiosexual.

He was happy !

So we invited her for the night, we book a suite in an hotel and we took good care that she felt at ease.

She was more into me than into him which created a first akward point.

Then she competed with me to get him everytime I tried to go back to my partner.

For instance, she pushed my hand away from his dick to take it.

She made herself come in every position possible with the both of us and my partner not really listening to what we both needed.

 

The feelings I have got out of it is that we were dildo's

Well all of that description is my emotional vision , of course.

I got a fright, got jaleous, eventually ending up cockblocking him as after 5 hours he didn't came and I got a huge drop I called it a night.

I do not think I was the ethical slut I wanted to be. But so was nobody else in the room.

I am sorry for her too but she said she enjoyed it, I found myself to be a pain in the ass (not litteraly we hadn't brought any strap on :P )

 

So ... That didn't went really as planned

 

We are over it now after 4 days full on talking but GOD that was HARD !

It brought all my insecurities back, but that was good as I eventually got what triggered me (I had more difficulties seeing him touching her hand than enjoying her pussy) and he was sweet and caring listening to all of it.

He was on the other hand super frustrated and it took surprisingly more time for him to work that on that it did for me to process that jealousy.

 

One thing we have learned is that 1/we didn't communicated enough with the girl on our common fantasies. We didn't really check with her what was ok or not ok deeply enough. We just checked condom and sodomy basically.

She definitely wanted to start a triad which is for both if us out of scope, she was willing to be the center of the attention all the time and we basically wanted extra sensations for all.

Also I was neutral at first, so not really horny about it, I guess that explains my drop.

She ended up to have a sex style that I didn't related with, She was fast paced I am a slow riser So she ended up coming 15 times, me 2 times and my friend none.

I think we forgot, after 4 years of monogamy, that people are different in bed.

Needless to say it was a total discovery for me as I only touched 2 other women before and it was LOOOOONNNGGGG ago.

 

I loved her breast, she had beautiful teets, beter than mine: not jaleous. But then she was so active that it triggered me thinking "oh does it like it more than how I am ? (rather sub and taking it all front, I am a trouper ahahahahah)

I guess all of that is a discovery travel and the more you exercise the more you kniw yourself. But man, what a wave of mixed feelings ...

 

We have no news of her, I actually do not feel like sending a message, I think it would be polite but I do not know what the etiquette is there and I honestly think she doesn't really care... (ugly jaleous me) Do I really need to ?

 

So here come my questions :

 

-I alsmost called it quit after that experience, He did too, but I still want to try. It's a bummer for a first, I am scared to retry, it's like an inner battle.

Did you had also such experiences/feelings in the beginning ? How did you get over it ?

 

-I am very proud on the other hand that I tried it, I am not really into women but it unblocked something in me that I can't really explain towards other women, I feel more "connected" in some ways. Afterall I made her come which for a moment made me feel like a proud alpha male .

I still loved to see him fucking another women, just thinking about it (now) makes me horny. But during the event itself I completely lost track of that feeling, that is wierd... How do I get over that too ?Do you have tips for when you experience a drop ? How do you communicate that to you partner ?

 

- Was threesome a good idea to start with ?

 

It triggers insecurities and territoriality more than the rest I suppose... We are planning to go to a club next time and restart slow, on my pace, no touching hands no sleep over.

 

- I do not want to cockblock him ever again, how can I construct a set of "rules" in order to make everyone happy (including me) ? How did you do it ?

 

- And last, but not least, for people like me, that are in preoccupied attachments scale :

 

Is it everytime like that after ? I mean self doubting, questioning attachments, blah blah blah (you get the picture). Because I might need more therapy hours or extra work on myself to bring me to the place were I want to be. Basically Fierce and sexually free. If you have any tip, exercise that worked for you please share.

 

 

Oh and I do not believe that you are for life meant to be monogamous or not. I believe that people can change. I want to be free of my fears so I am working on it. He also has issues (who can tell me they do not have any?) but he us more the avoidant type. We are both conscious and willing participants.

 

So I am really wishing to share with you from that standing pov.

How could we make it better ?

[adamgunn 1,460]

I'm sorry you had that first bad experience. You suggest she was over competitive and it was a problem for you.

 

In the future, you might try foursomes, where the woman can pay attention to your SO while the other man pays attention to you. I promise, it gets better.

 

Best of luck.

[FreaknChic 15]

I surely hope it gets better, not that it killed me or my self esteem, but the whole idea of having to go through the analysing "why" it was so shitty.

Not blaming anyone, including the other girl (even if she wasn't that cool or mature towards a couple it was her first with a settled couple so we definitely had to be more clear about our boundaries), in respect of our feelings ...

Yes she was egoistic, my friend just didn't realised, he was just proud of himself at the moment (stupid but hey, if I made a man go crazy in the same situation, how would I do?)

He trusted my abilities to say stop that I actually didn't used on time out of courtesy/shock.

I should have expressed myself clearly to her, for instance that she should give us 2 also some space and not jump on me or him every 5 minutes to makes herself come.

I guess the lack of experience in that kind of situation left me without words.

 

Not to mention all emotions mixed together, like "oh I like to see her coming! But wait it's our turn now! Ah she is moving a lot more than I do! Shit I am moving enough for him? Wait did she really put a finger up is arse ? Oh no I tried and he didn't like it what if he does like it now ?

I am horny, wait no, wrong alert I am as cold as ice...

Do I wait for that feeling to pass ? Do I say something ?"

 

In short I felt in a whirlpool.

 

Luckily we went through that together after and came to some agreements.

We also have to learn to "read" ourselves in that kind of situations that we never experienced together.

 

Now that said I find it to be a very positive experience for the both of us. We communicated so well after that I actually love him more than before.

It was just so disappointing compared to anticipation, it felt just "mwah".

I guess that is another lesson learned , expectations have to be realistic, hence rules and talking.

But that is a lot more work that I expected.

Psychologically and emotionally speaking.

If it was to be like that all the time I would just "screw this, let's just cuddle until the end of time"

We are both willing to work at ourselves and grow, do not get me wrong, this was just a shockingly heavy evening.

 

So if anyone of you guys has a story to share with overcoming that kind of bummer with success I am all ear.

It would help... A lot ...

 

I know we will survive it but I really do not want to cuddle romantically till my 70's

 

I am getting old and inner slut clock is ticking

[njbm 2,880]

We just look at it for variety. We are not looking for world shaking sex. I concur with Adam Gunn above, we are all about couple swapping. The bi thing is of passing interest for my wife, not for me.

 

Try a couple or a swingers’ club. Your experience was not good, try something else.

[FreaknChic 15]

Yes that is our plan now, we just had a very nice loving and sexy conversation laughing at jow much we both like jigling teeties ahahahahah.

We now made the point on everything that felt GOOD during that night and check by each other the level of security.

I requested for support for my emotional fears, so even so cuddling and snuggling long after sex is ok for most of you I cannot yet let that go if I am not the princess on his chest after.

Egoistic ? No realistic assessment of my fears, boundaries and my current level in the lifestyle...

Him fucking another girl and make her scream like she did : Big turn on. I was chilly on the encouragement side so I need to learn how to voice it , the thing is I am actually ashamed of what I could just say "good girl" in one of them. I discovered myself a tad aroused by the idea of guiding her in a dominant way, some kind of warm domination.

Quite surprising.

So we liked it both and he wants me to stay "included" and give him the green light by staying in contact by touching, kissing or fondling the other woman if she wants it.

Me coming when he took me hard in front of her was also nice.

He also pushed my head on her pussy and I almost came because he was so naughty.

He liked a lot the mixed kisses and tge hugging between the 3 of us, I didn't enjoy because I didn't like her as a person and at that stage I was out of it allready.

 

So all that talk mostly to get all my duck in a row.

So next time is a club, he proposed a hooker but the idea of having a paid "toy" that is maybe not enjoying herself and maybe worse , feeling miserable isn't really for me.

I can see that as an exercise against jaleousy but not really arousing.

I liked to see him enjoying himself, fondling her breast, I liked to share.

Even so I was not really turned on by her, seeing another beeing getting off because of you or your partner is really sweet.

 

So we are foremost proud we spoke it through and that we are now actually more trusting each other than before starting.

I know now he can let me be myself, crying and lost after and support and reassure me, He knows now I get over it.

He will also voice his needs and knows that I am always willing to make him come, he just have to be more in touch with himself to voice it before the night ends.

Anyway:

All in all more trust. Growth.

Doing that "worse" start ever might turn out to be the best start because we had plenty of material during these 5 hours to evaluate our needs.

And I am even more horny today about him that I ever was before, I am feeling more open about being "slutty" and less ashamed to show it.

From now one as I am the slow paced, we will follow my boundaries untill I ease up.

The plan is to go to a club with a new define set of rules, ma6be just watch and play with each other in a room later or who knows ? Maybe we meet nice people this time ?

 

I kniw I am writing A LOT please forgive me, writing is helping me too.

Reading the other thread was also a great relief to see we weren't theonly one !!!

I read many great advices that we will apply to ourselves.

 

In conclusion I guess I forgot how many single one night stand I had weren't really that great... So it's just the same but with more egos in the room, not a disaster, but an interesting way to learn.

 

Thank you all very much, or those who responded here or to other "similar" post with intelligence, sensitivity and wisdom.

You guys ROCK !

[JandKinBoise 858]

Everyone that goes into this sport/hobby/distraction, goes in with expectations. Thinking and fantasizing about group sex is always sexy and perfect and the extra people always know exactly what we want.

Then the reality. It took a couple times of 'wth was that' before we found our footing.

We loved the internet. It offered a lot of tools to find what fits. E-mailing back and forth can open a revealing dialogue where one can analyze the perspective mates and discuss rules and expectations. It's hard to talk about sex openly, but easy to write about it where you can think about what you are writing rather than off the cuff pointless, nervous talk.

 

It's hard to say to you, but you are overthinking this. After a couple events and your comfort level is not a problem, you'll see it's just sex. We all look back at our first time and wish we knew what we knew after a few tries. Unfortunately, you have to go though that first. An example is if you had found this girl as a 4th playmate, it probably would have gone much differently. You may have actually enjoyed the different style.

 

Feelings ease or become easier to handle. The sex will get better because you will stop thinking about it and just go with the flow. You'll probably institute some rules that will get broken and put aside. It's a process. You don't mention your age but I'm guessing late 20s to mid 30s which is pretty young for swinging. The process may be different for you but still will take time to get comfortable.

Worth it!

[FreaknChic 15]

Thanks a lot for your reassuring words.

We came to the same conclusion yesterday with my Friend.

Actually it is almost word for words what we said to each other so that is a great confirmation that we are on the right track

 

But hey I am 44 years old, have been married for 13 years, divorced, 2 children to put my message in perspective.

 

That is the first time someone told me that I was younger from an internet perspective, I had to overthink it a bit to respond

I generally prefer when it happens IRL ()

 

So I do not think I am to young to start, actually I am quite frustrated I couldn't do it earlier.

 

My insecurities are mostly due more to aging that beeing to young.

But hey yes : I am an inexperienced newbie when it comes to more than 2 !!!

 

So yes, overthinking, maybe, I see that as a very healthy way to protect myself and our relationship up untill we bend the rules for more as you stated.

Nothing should be unspoken in our eyes, even, and maybe foremost, the most trivial detail as it could turn out to be the most important key to success next time!

 

So that thinking path is inevitable for me right now, even though I know you are right with my head, I just need all my ducks in a row so me myself and I are a team.

(Yes I allready spoke to a Therapist )

 

We believe that is a process and that we are responsible to check on everything so we grow out of it.

 

But I appreciate you took the time to go through all these long posts and still gave me an answer : Thanks !

 

Also English is not my mother tongue so maybe my vocabulary isn't really the best.

[Eddiem 139]

There are always less fun situations and well people do this stuff for various reasons. I will leave the psycho analysis to those that can and know that field.

 

That being said... our first 3some started out just awesome but after a short time basically when our friend´s cock entered my wife I was the tourist watching the two of them go at it. Very erotic but the ending sucked... He tries to pull out to dump his load on her, she puts it back in her, he unloads, I figure I will take the roll of the nr.2... and well (phew we are tired)... gee thanks. He is a friend so it was ok but our first time... just blah.

 

Hi There!

We are new here and as a little bit information of more experienced people makes you wiser here we go !

I (woman) am new to swing lifestyle. I always fantasized about it but never really tried up untill last week with my partner of 4 years.

He had threesome in the past and kept many nice memories about it.

We were up untill now open to the discussion, I find we have a good communication but we remained monogamous till now due to my attachment style (I had issues that I worked on therapy) and to the fact that, actually, we were satisfied with each other.

My therapy was over and I wanted to give it a go.

We started with a threesome.

I read the ethical slut like the bible and we invited the girl to eat with us in order to break the ice first.

It went wel/neutral, I am not really Bi, more heteroflexible/sapiosexual.

He was happy !

So we invited her for the night, we book a suite in an hotel and we took good care that she felt at ease.

She was more into me than into him which created a first akward point.

Then she competed with me to get him everytime I tried to go back to my partner.

For instance, she pushed my hand away from his dick to take it.

She made herself come in every position possible with the both of us and my partner not really listening to what we both needed.

 

The feelings I have got out of it is that we were dildo's

Well all of that description is my emotional vision , of course.

I got a fright, got jaleous, eventually ending up cockblocking him as after 5 hours he didn't came and I got a huge drop I called it a night.

I do not think I was the ethical slut I wanted to be. But so was nobody else in the room.

I am sorry for her too but she said she enjoyed it, I found myself to be a pain in the ass (not litteraly we hadn't brought any strap on :P )

 

So ... That didn't went really as planned

 

We are over it now after 4 days full on talking but GOD that was HARD !

It brought all my insecurities back, but that was good as I eventually got what triggered me (I had more difficulties seeing him touching her hand than enjoying her pussy) and he was sweet and caring listening to all of it.

He was on the other hand super frustrated and it took surprisingly more time for him to work that on that it did for me to process that jealousy.

 

One thing we have learned is that 1/we didn't communicated enough with the girl on our common fantasies. We didn't really check with her what was ok or not ok deeply enough. We just checked condom and sodomy basically.

She definitely wanted to start a triad which is for both if us out of scope, she was willing to be the center of the attention all the time and we basically wanted extra sensations for all.

Also I was neutral at first, so not really horny about it, I guess that explains my drop.

She ended up to have a sex style that I didn't related with, She was fast paced I am a slow riser So she ended up coming 15 times, me 2 times and my friend none.

I think we forgot, after 4 years of monogamy, that people are different in bed.

Needless to say it was a total discovery for me as I only touched 2 other women before and it was LOOOOONNNGGGG ago.

 

I loved her breast, she had beautiful teets, beter than mine: not jaleous. But then she was so active that it triggered me thinking "oh does it like it more than how I am ? (rather sub and taking it all front, I am a trouper ahahahahah)

I guess all of that is a discovery travel and the more you exercise the more you kniw yourself. But man, what a wave of mixed feelings ...

 

We have no news of her, I actually do not feel like sending a message, I think it would be polite but I do not know what the etiquette is there and I honestly think she doesn't really care... (ugly jaleous me) Do I really need to ?

 

So here come my questions :

 

-I alsmost called it quit after that experience, He did too, but I still want to try. It's a bummer for a first, I am scared to retry, it's like an inner battle.

Did you had also such experiences/feelings in the beginning ? How did you get over it ?

 

-I am very proud on the other hand that I tried it, I am not really into women but it unblocked something in me that I can't really explain towards other women, I feel more "connected" in some ways. Afterall I made her come which for a moment made me feel like a proud alpha male .

I still loved to see him fucking another women, just thinking about it (now) makes me horny. But during the event itself I completely lost track of that feeling, that is wierd... How do I get over that too ?Do you have tips for when you experience a drop ? How do you communicate that to you partner ?

 

- Was threesome a good idea to start with ?

 

It triggers insecurities and territoriality more than the rest I suppose... We are planning to go to a club next time and restart slow, on my pace, no touching hands no sleep over.

 

- I do not want to cockblock him ever again, how can I construct a set of "rules" in order to make everyone happy (including me) ? How did you do it ?

 

- And last, but not least, for people like me, that are in preoccupied attachments scale :

 

Is it everytime like that after ? I mean self doubting, questioning attachments, blah blah blah (you get the picture). Because I might need more therapy hours or extra work on myself to bring me to the place were I want to be. Basically Fierce and sexually free. If you have any tip, exercise that worked for you please share.

 

 

Oh and I do not believe that you are for life meant to be monogamous or not. I believe that people can change. I want to be free of my fears so I am working on it. He also has issues (who can tell me they do not have any?) but he us more the avoidant type. We are both conscious and willing participants.

 

So I am really wishing to share with you from that standing pov.

How could we make it better ?