Should I let my wife have sex with her male friend

[Imnewhere8484 18]

My wife and I have been married for just over 2 years now. We are both happier and more fulfilled in our relationship than either of us have ever been with any relationship prior. We have an amazing sex life and are very open with each other about our wants, fantasies, and desires.

 

About 2 months ago, I brought it up to my wife that I have fantasies about sharing her with another man. We’ve brought women into the bedroom with us before, but in regards to the subject of threesomes or sex with another couple, she has always maintained that she would not want another man to touch her. I hadn’t brought this up before as something I might be into either. After a few weeks, talking about it several times, and role playing with toys, she started to think it was something she would not only be willing to do, but the idea of having more than one man at once really seemed to get her excited. So far, so good, right?

 

We then began talking about who we would be willing to let this happen with, what they would be like, and how we would find them. She had experimented with and been attracted women in the past, but due to sexual abuse as a teen by some of her peers, she has been very untrusting of men and had only had 4 male sexual partners before we met (we’re both in our mid 30s).

 

In thinking about who we would this mystery guy would be, she obviously wanted it to be someone she was attracted to, which I also wanted for her. I wouldn’t want her to do this just because I wanted it. My whole reasoning behind this fantasy is seeing her almost overwhelmed with pleasure. She also had to trust the person, which made her hesitant to find a someone on some kind of dating app. She also has a very high fear of contracting an STD, and would want to be able to vet and potential men we’d invite into bed with us.

 

My idea for this fantasy since I began to have it, would have involved someone who was essentially a stranger. My first thought was to find an app to use. I imagined we’d both chat with him, get to know him, meet for drinks, and all become familiar and comfortable with each other before “getting down to business”.

 

After weeks of talking about how we would find someone, and asking her about any casual acquaintances that either of us had that she might want to do this with, she brought up one of her friends from high school (again we are in our mid 30s). This friend of hers is about an 8 hour drive from us, she says that she trusts him, and he’s married (but told her on more than one occasion that he has stepped outside of his marriage. I realize this was probably him testing that possibility of opening the door between the 2 of them) so she feels like he would have some “skin in the game” and be less likely to tell anyone about this. She has assured me (and I believe her) that nothing has ever happened with this guy in the past, she’s just always thought he was attractive. She allowed me to read some of their conversations (they talk maybe 2-3 times per year via text). There definitely seems to be some sexual tension between the 2 of them and definitely some flirting in their messages, but nothing that I would consider inappropriate, but some of which is borderline outside of the context of swinging being on the table. However, some of these conversations had taken place during our relationship, and before we had talked about bringing another man into the bedroom with us. She’s obviously attracted to this man (which again, is something I definitely want for her), there’s obviously sexual tension there (which again, I want her to want this), but the fact that we’ve been talking about it for weeks and she was hesitant to bring his name up after weeks of me asking her to name someone has got me feeling a little uneasy.

 

The two long term relationships she had been in with men before we met did not at all encourage her to explore her sexual desires or fantasies. Her ex husband was extremely religious and controlling and actually forbade her from even masturbating. To watch her come out of this shell and become increasingly sexual the past few years has been amazing to watch and I only want to explore it further. I don’t ever want to hold her back or make her feel like anything that comes to her mind as something she’d like to experience will be met with anything other than an open mind and a willingness to help facilitate it. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and cause her to take a step backwards in this journey that we’re on together. Sharing her with another man is something that I definitely want to happen, and I want her to be 100% comfortable when it does happen. All of this to say, I’m wondering if I should sacrifice my very small amount of uneasiness with the situation in order to make sure that it is one that she is 100% comfortable with....?

 

Any help, advice, words of wisdom from anyone who has been I this or any similar situation would be greatly appreciated!! This is a road that I feel like both definitely want to go down, but I don’t want to trip at the starting line. Thanks in advance for any help you offer!!

[adamgunn 1,460]

If the question is, should you encourage her to have a relationship with this particular man, I see only one objection: He's married. Some people (and the two of you will have to determine this,) don't wish to enable a cheater. And from what you've said, I'm not sure if he's a cheater or in an open marriage. If it's the latter, I withdraw any objection I have.

 

Normally, in the swinging world we don't encourage encounters with friends. However, this is not a close friend to both of you, he lives quite a distance away so if any feelings are 'caught,' logistics will be hard to overcome. I'd say this man is as safe as any for your wife to have an encounter with.

 

Best of luck.

[Alura 2,774]

Early in our thirty-year relationship my late wife and I decided on certain people we had permission to have sex with if the opportunity ever rose. I chose Brigitte Bardot and "Jill," my high school sweetheart. Laura chose Harry Belafonte and "Terry," the first guy who ever kissed her back in Junior High School.

 

Well, we didn't have any luck with Brigitte and Harry, but Jill was at my high school reunion and said, "Hell, yes! I'd love to!" Jill and I spent an afternoon in a hotel room with a "Tryst Kit," which Laura had prepared. (Champagne with a corkscrew and two glasses.)

 

We went to Laura's reunion fully intending to get her and Terry together. A spark of static-electricity jumped between their lips when he kissed her. She prolonged the kiss with a taste of her tongue, not at all like Junior High School, she told me. Unfortunately, that was all she got the whole weekend. Laura and I agreed later that he hadn't realized what was being offered. His lady was not all that friendly.

 

If you're thinking Laura got screwed (or didn't) in this transaction, there was another time when she asked if she could add "Richard" to her "fuckable" list. We set it up for the next week when I was going to Dallas on business. She was successful that time.

 

I'm just a hick Okie, and I don't claim to be an expert on how to succeed at swinging, but it seems to me that a couple can do almost anything without threatening their marriage. The key is to talk about it, both before and after.

[Imnewhere8484 18]

Thanks so much for the advice!!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

First, a big welcome to the board Imnewhere8484! You are definitely in the right place for couples who are curious about swinging, and as you say, not tripping at the starting line.

 

My wife and I would never play with a married person who is playing without permission. We're into swinging to enjoy ourselves, to enjoy each other, and to enjoy the people we have sex with. We would never...ever...want to contribute to the unhappiness of another couple. Just the thought that we are effectively backstabbing the unknowing spouse, is completely repulsive to us. Even if she never found out, it's still 100000000000% wrong. Neither my wife nor I would do it. Think of it this way; she wants this guy because she could vet him for STDs. So, do you trust a guy to tell you he has no STDs when he's willing to stab his own wife in the back? I would never trust such a person, not in a thousand years.

 

You can find decent single guys who are in the swinging world. My wife has found several, and has been fortunate enough to have had long term relationships with two of them. I would recommend finding singles guys on swinglifestyle.com, and filter them well. As in the vanilla dating world, there are going to be some of them that aren't worth the time of day. But, there are some great guys out there to be had, guys whom you can trust.

 

To other points; you're going to have some uneasiness whether it's this guy or another. The first time your wife has sex with another man, even if you're very much looking forward to it, it still going to be a bit of a nervous moment. Kinda like they say...the first is never the best. Same goes for swinging :-) I've watched my wife have sex with a lot of men now, and it was definitely better with subsequent men. It was better for her too, as her own nerves were on edge the first time. And there's a piece of advice for you; don't judge swinging by the first encounter.

 

A lot of what you are saying sounds great. The communication sounds wonderful, and the desire to help her achieve her greatest sexual satisfaction is a wonderful basis on which to take your first steps into this lifestyle. Chances are, she will love having sex with other men as much as you enjoy watching her do so.

 

If you have any other questions or thoughts you want to bounce off of us, feel free. We're a helpful bunch here.

[Sophy 569]

We mostly play together but I had a very nice Solo-experience not that long ago, It was with a coworker which I worked for about 3 years and we always had certain chemistry, I enjoyed flirting with him in the office and come back to my husband and tell him about it, in fact my husband had been OK with the idea of my having sex in private with him for a long time probably more than 2 years when we first discuss it.

 

We planned everything with my husband and all went more or less as planned:

 

I organised drinks with him after the office and I made sure my (unspoken) intentions were clear, he got it and he gave his wife some excuse for late commitments.

 

After only one drink (LOL) we left the pub and we went to a room that I previously booked.

 

We had a very good session of three hours or so, we left out all that we were holding during all these time working together, a lot of dirty talking, he telling me about all the times he wanted my in the office, how I was dressed, etc.

 

It was definitely very special, he is a man with family and very serious and responsible, no need of condoms or any extra security precautions. I texted my husband and updated him several times, I felt safe with someone I trusted.

 

Now, to clarify: his wife was not aware of this, and he was not aware that my husband was part of it.

 

This is not the first time we engaged with married man, we have had threesomes were the man was clearly lying to his wife/partner.

 

We do not ask or care much about it, that is their problem, all of them are grown man, adults, we are no one to judge them or question them more than necessary.

[njbm 2,869]

We would not play with people who are cheating. In our country, sometimes the cheated upon spouse shows up with a shotgun.

 

Call us quaint, but the fun of the lifestyle for us is doing it together with other couples who are doing it together. No adverse judgment against people who disagree, just how we roll.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

No, don't do it. What happens when the wife finds out and files for divorce (imagining worse case scenarios here)? EVERYONE will know what went on. Playing with friends, especially cheating friends, are just not worth it.

[Jane1902 476]

If they are lying to their wife how can one be so sure they are not lying to you? They are demonstrating their honesty and trustworthiness by telling you they are lying to their spouse? Not what I would consider the safest bet, nor a good place to start. What else might they not tell you?

[Imnewhere8484 18]

Thank you all for taking the time to send some advice. I don’t think we’ll be going ahead with this guy. I feel like there’s too much potential for things to get ugly, quickly. Any advice on how to get started in all of this? My wife is open to the idea, but still hesitant, especially at the thought of doing this with someone she doesn’t know. I really don’t want to push too hard or push her to do something she’s not all in on. Any suggestions on ways we can ease into things?

[AngelandTiger 364]

It was definitely very special, he is a man with family and very serious and responsible, no need of condoms or any extra security precautions. I texted my husband and updated him several times, I felt safe with someone I trusted.

 

Being a man with family and "very serious and responsible" confers no immunity to STIs that I am aware of. If he cheated with you, he's cheated with others....others whose STI status may not be stellar.

 

T

[Jane1902 476]

There is quite a bit of information and advice on this site. I suggest you and the wife both do plenty of reading, continued talking. When you are ready sign up on a site. Try meet and greets in your area, maybe you’ll meet a couple with similiar interests. There are also some good single men out there that understand their role and are respectful. It does take patience at times, have fun and enjoy each other.

[Sophy 569]

Being a man with family and "very serious and responsible" confers no immunity to STIs that I am aware of. If he cheated with you, he's cheated with others....others whose STI status may not be stellar.

 

T

 

You are 100% Right, No excuses!, we knew the risk, like I said: we discussed it and considered it for long time with my husband and we were both OK for me to proceed without condoms for that occasion. It was a great experience that payed us both back very well, Hell! we still bring it up sometimes during sex.

We have been tested twice since that without any issues, we have nothing to regret but we don't see ourselves taking that risk again anytime soon.