New couple - wondering how to start

[shecurioushenot 22]

Hi, we are couple, together forever, married. I am more curious about it all than my husband and am wondering how best to start. I have been reading a lot and am so strong in theory but zero in practice so would appreciate some advice. I was thinking to go to some swinger club in a foreign city and just watch for a start, what do you think? Thank you all

[Couple15 19]

Hi

 

We are also new to this and would love to know where to start. I have always wanted to watch my wife fuck other guys but not sure where to start?

[shecurioushenot 22]

Hi, just to add with regards to my wishes. I would love MFM for a start, not sure if my husband is willing just to watch but he has shown he would like to be included. I see that Couple15 also asked about advice, we are anxiously waiting for some more experienced swingers to jump in

[Couple15 19]

Your husband sounds like a very lucky man for you to be so open and willing. My wife talks about being with other men and having me watch and then allowing me to join in, it’s a massive turn on for me. We are very tempted to meet up with other couples in the same mindset

[JandKinBoise 856]

A club is a good way to introduce yourself. If there isn't one around, maybe a house party or better yet a meet and greet. When you meet a couple, let them know you are first timers.

[Couple15 19]

Does anyone have any experiences that they can share?

[shecurioushenot 22]

Thank you I will show this to him We are too interested to meet like minded couples

[shecurioushenot 22]

A club is a good way to introduce yourself. If there isn't one around, maybe a house party or better yet a meet and greet. When you meet a couple, let them know you are first timers.

 

Thank you, this was also how I was leaning. To be frank I am not sure that house parties are something that is happening or if it is we just do not know the right people. And yes, I know that it is important to communicate boundaries and being first timers. However, I am a bit confused about what is the best way to go with some boundaries and rules. From what I see on the forum having rules is very usual and too many rules might be a problem (because in the heat of the moment they might get broken and people get jealous and stuff) and on the other end if you do not have any rules it might all go out of hand. How was, rule wise, your position when you started?

[lcmim 1,080]

My personal recommendation on rules would be to make as few as possible to suit yourselves. I would also suggest that they be general in nature.

Even then something will go past the line. Because of this one thing you need to absolutely agree on before hand is that neither of you will intentionally cross the specific lines in your rules, but if somehow one sees a transgression when the other does not is that the benefit of the doubt will lean towards innocence. That way the talk afterward can be "How do we make this not happen again" and not "How could you do that"

 

Short story. One of our rules was no BDSM type play with playmates. My wife while feeling frisky grabbed the couples riding crop and playfully slapped the guys rump. I was not there and she recounted the event to me later as just another thing in a play by play recounting.

To her it was no more than a slap with her hand or a tickle, to me she was using an SM play toy.

The discussion took a few minutes with her promising to be more careful and my realizing that I was being too thin skinned, and telling her so. I told her clearly that she need not worry about "careful" because she would spend more time worrying than having fun, that I trust her not to hurt me purposely.

Upshot? New understanding of the rule is now in play.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

First of all, start by making your relationship as strong and as great as possible. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication...and you can't have too much of any of the three. The best way to start the talk with your SO is to talk about fantasies. Find out what theirs are and tell them yours. Next step is to see about making some of them come true, usually starting in the bedroom and them venturing further out. Once you get to considering swinging, there are two paths to travel: quantity (just having sex with others, usually one night stands, and quality, or FWB or couples dating). Choose what your style is and move forward. Read most everything in the Curious About Swinging forum, set your boundaries and rules and then depending on what you are looking for either visit a club or set up an online profile (Find Swingers tab on top of page). Once you are at this point, come back and we can help you go from here. Good luck and have fun!

[luv2was 117]

shecurioushenot said:

... I am more curious about it all than my husband and am wondering how best to start. I have been reading a lot and am so strong in theory but zero in practice so would appreciate some advice. I was thinking to go to some swinger club in a foreign city and just watch for a start, what do you think? Thank you all

That could be a great idea.

 

shecurioushenot said:

... I am a bit confused about what is the best way to go with some boundaries and rules. From what I see on the forum having rules is very usual and too many rules might be a problem (because in the heat of the moment they might get broken and people get jealous and stuff) and on the other end if you do not have any rules it might all go out of hand....

Things will go wrong, or not according to plan. While it is generally good to NOT have expectations in the LS, you can pretty well expect that. .. :"> .. It is how you react to the "problems" that really makes the difference. (Pretty much like the rest of life.)

 

If you spend enough time on this BBS, you will likely find that the following is true.

 

A few "Golden Rules" in the LS are:

No means "No".

... and...

"Never move faster than the slowest person present."

 

If any LS situation that you are in does not adhere to the above, then I suggest that you politely move on. (Do not be shy about standing your ground on either of these.)

 

It is not that unusual for one partner to be more enthusiastic about Swinging & Non-Monogamous relationships than the other. With enough patience (never moving faster than the slowest person present), education, and (most importantly) discussion, there is a good chance that both of you will come around and thoroughly enjoy the Swinger Lifestyle (the "LS").

 

Of course that prediction is based largely on success stories that tend to float to the surface in sources like this BBS. So it is quite possible that the opposite is also true, you just do not hear about those stories as much.

 

The bottom line for all that?

Tread lightly, but do not hesitate to occasionally (and cautiously) step outside of your comfort zone. If you cannot do that, then maybe the LS is not for you and/or your partner.

 

Clubs seem to be the most popular way to start. You do not need to schedule with others, and once you are there, you can stay as long as you feel comfortable, then leave. The noise (and crowd) factor can be an issue at clubs, but it is the most painless way to dip your toes in the water. You may even be able to connect with some folks, get some questions answered, and so forth. Just because you go to a club (or any other LS function), it is not expected that you will have sex (with your partner, or someone else). My suggestion is to go early. You will be more likely (in the better facilities) to get a tour from a staff member (who should also be a good information source). Be sure to tell them you are new. Going early may also give you a better chance to connect with someone (even just to chat), before it gets into full-tilt party mode.

 

As for rules, it is probably better to start with too many, and then make adjustments as your Comfort, Knowledge, and Experience level increases. This is probably the most common pattern. Other newbies, and experienced folks (who are worth your time) will likely appreciate and understand this.

 

I recently came across a bit (that was presented somewhat jokingly), which stated that for every hour of LS Sex (or maybe even just LS Meetings?) that you have, you will spend 100 hours discussing it with your partner. ... Something worth thinking about, perhaps.

 

Meet & Greets, House Parties, Cruises, and Resorts are all good ways to meet folks... for different reasons. Look into that. Swinger webs like "SLS" and Kasidie are good places to find more information on what is available. (More are listed at the "Find Swingers" link in the above banner.)

https://www.swinglifestyle.com/events/

https://www.kasidie.com/

 

Meet & Greets are usually just that. Sex is typically not part of the agenda. So that can be a good "no pressure" way to simply get out there and talk to other Swingers. (But there is nothing that says you cannot go somewhere afterwards with folks.)

 

House parties are all over the map (based mostly from what I have seen here, and in listening to podcasts). If you find the right one to attend however, then that could be an ideal way to get started.

 

A cruise can be a good way to be introduced to the LS, and meet some folks. It is similar to a club, but MUCH more immersive (i.e. it is harder to leave and go home if you get uncomfortable).

 

Resorts are an excellent idea... for some folks. It is kind of the best of both worlds (clubs & cruises). It is immersive, but you have a bit more room to experience things in. Hedonism II ("Hedo") is extremely popular, so is "Desire" (there is more than one, and they sponsor cruises too). Do your homework though.

https://www.hedonism.com/

https://www.desire-experience.com/

 

I would think that there are more (varied?) LS opportunities throughout Europe, than here in North America. (Generally speaking, Europeans are a lot less prudish than Americans.) I am just less familiar with what is available on the other side of the pond. Meeting folks locally (clubs, M&G's, parties) may be a good way to find out more about what is closer to you, and well worth the effort. Scrutinize some of the webs listed here as well.

 

I also find that "Podcasts" are an excellent way to learn about the LS, as well as being a fun partner activity. A lot of the issues that you are likely to come across are often discussed in them. I especially like them because you can pause and "rewind" them, which allows time for discussion (at the moment). I recently made a post about this ("Podcast List [etc.]"), here is the thread link for that:

https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/62750-podcast-list-and-other-educational-informational-info-for-swinger-poly-folks/

 

Cap d'Agde, France, is a "CO" (Clothing Optional) City! While I am fairly sure open (public) sexual activity is frowned upon there (perhaps severely)... I suspect a lot of Lifestyle folks visit there. If nothing else, it will get you used to being naked in public around other folks (if you are not already familiar with that). For the most part though (for the full-on LS experience), you will have better chances for success if you stick to strictly LS targeted events.

 

Look into a "Mediterranean LS Cruise". I think Desire and/or Kasidie sponsor some of those.

 

For the good resort & cruise type events, you may need to book early, as they can fill-up fairly fast. For both of these also: Look into what "groups" are going, and try & plan your trip so that it coincides with a group that fits where you are. (i.e. Booking a LS vacation trip at a time when it is mostly BDSM groups (for example) may not be your thing.)

 

?

 

In closing I will say this...

 

If you are not having fun, then you are not doing it right.

 

Life's and education... Enjoy the Journey!

[eruditesdw 29]

It does feel nice to have an extra man with us. Wife loves it... Very intense... For us it just happened and we liked it. A few bumpy situations from time to time but it worked out okay.

Your husband sounds like a very lucky man for you to be so open and willing. My wife talks about being with other men and having me watch and then allowing me to join in, it’s a massive turn on for me. We are very tempted to meet up with other couples in the same mindset

[njbm 2,863]

Club is a good start. We are on SLS and SDC, swinger meeting sites with lists of events. Join one of these sites that are local for you.

[shecurioushenot 22]

My personal recommendation on rules would be to make as few as possible to suit yourselves. I would also suggest that they be general in nature.

Even then something will go past the line. Because of this one thing you need to absolutely agree on before hand is that neither of you will intentionally cross the specific lines in your rules, but if somehow one sees a transgression when the other does not is that the benefit of the doubt will lean towards innocence. That way the talk afterward can be "How do we make this not happen again" and not "How could you do that"

 

Short story. One of our rules was no BDSM type play with playmates. My wife while feeling frisky grabbed the couples riding crop and playfully slapped the guys rump. I was not there and she recounted the event to me later as just another thing in a play by play recounting.

To her it was no more than a slap with her hand or a tickle, to me she was using an SM play toy.

The discussion took a few minutes with her promising to be more careful and my realizing that I was being too thin skinned, and telling her so. I told her clearly that she need not worry about "careful" because she would spend more time worrying than having fun, that I trust her not to hurt me purposely.

Upshot? New understanding of the rule is now in play.

 

Thank you for sharing, it is always great to hear an example and makes it so much easier to figure out what to do :-)

[shecurioushenot 22]

First of all, start by making your relationship as strong and as great as possible. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication...and you can't have too much of any of the three. The best way to start the talk with your SO is to talk about fantasies. Find out what theirs are and tell them yours. Next step is to see about making some of them come true, usually starting in the bedroom and them venturing further out. Once you get to considering swinging, there are two paths to travel: quantity (just having sex with others, usually one night stands, and quality, or FWB or couples dating). Choose what your style is and move forward. Read most everything in the Curious About Swinging forum, set your boundaries and rules and then depending on what you are looking for either visit a club or set up an online profile (Find Swingers tab on top of page). Once you are at this point, come back and we can help you go from here. Good luck and have fun!

 

Thank you so much :-) I am so excited for our journey and will keep you informed :-)

[shecurioushenot 22]

It does feel nice to have an extra man with us. Wife loves it... Very intense... For us it just happened and we liked it. A few bumpy situations from time to time but it worked out okay.

 

Happy for you. I would love to experience all the variations. Am also bi-curious so the more the merrier :-)

[shecurioushenot 22]

Club is a good start. We are on SLS and SDC, swinger meeting sites with lists of events. Join one of these sites that are local for you.

 

Thank you :-) I will be bothering you all very soon I suspect :-) It is such an amazing journey for us and I am happy to be part of this community...

[CandDinCo 69]

The biggest hurdle most people mention is finding people where everyone clicks. A lot of times, 2 or 3 out of the four of you hit it off and the 4th person isn't feeling it. Don't force it. Just be polite and move on. And dont get hurt feelings if the someone in the other couple is not interested in you. Again, just be polite and move on. As long as you keep actively searching, using the options that have already been mentioned, you will eventually find people you click with.

[luv2was 117]

... It is such an amazing journey for us and I am happy to be part of this community...

Non-Monogamy &/or the Swinger Lifestyle is not for everyone. But when it works, it works great!

 

The most profound thing that I have learned on this journey is the level of communication achieved by successful folks in the LS (etc.).

 

This BBS is an amazing educational resource.

 

Have Fun!

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I was thinking to go to some swinger club in a foreign city and just watch for a start, what do you think? Thank you all

 

That is a good idea.

 

You could go to a bar or club and dance with men you don't know. It doesn't have to be a swingers club.

 

My wife and I had fun by having her go into a bar by herself. I would wait a few minutes and then go in. I sat away from her. We pretended like we didn't know each other. It was fun for me to watch men come up to her and flirt with her. She felt good that men were flirting with her. It was a confidence booster for her.

[EastInWest 1,524]

That is a good idea.

 

You could go to a bar or club and dance with men you don't know. It doesn't have to be a swingers club.

 

If a swingers' club is too big of a step, yes, encouraging her to flirt in a "safe" vanilla setting is a good way to test things out. It's not easy to turn it into any play, but they'll both quickly find out if they're having fun with it or not with no harm done if it doesn't work out.