Transitioning from playing together to separately- total.fucking.panic.

[g-lovers 21]

Feeling like I’m in crisis mode, with what are clearly unresolved emotions. Insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

My partner and I have a complicated, yet amazing story. Quick, torrid fuckery affair when we were 20, fast forward 23 years and we find ourselves both living in the same tiny country (not where we met, or where either of us are from). I was married with kids, he single and in the LS forever. It quickly became a polyamorous situation, which only ‘worked’ for a year and a half until my marriage was over.

 

4 years after we were reunited, we are now together, happy and have started swinging with some super fun success (not an easy transition for me, but I knew it was important to him). I was really clear at the beginning that if we were going to do this, I needed it to be together as a couple. The split with who I thought was my ‘forever’ is far too fresh, and playing separately is terrifying to me.

 

Well, 6 months later and clearly the action we’ve had isn’t enough. He wants my blessing to fuck whomever he chooses, whenever he wants. He needs more variety in his life, especially since we don’t live together yet. On one hand, I get it. It’s who he is, and he never pretended to be anyone else. He has time on his hands when I’m home with the kids. On the other hand, I feel gutted and blindsided. Aren’t you only supposed to move as fast as the slower partner? He says he’s tired of waiting and wants to live his life. Make no mistake, this man loves me. He just has very clear lines when it comes to the LS, and has no issue whatsoever clarifying between love and sex. He said a few things last night (via text, ugh) that make perfect sense to me- such as...

 

“If you weren’t with me, would you not ever have sex? Of course you would. So why give up the one you love, for sex, then have the same without your love. I don’t understand!”

 

“How about I am happy to support you in whatever you want to do. I will trust in the fact that you will have me in mind”

 

“I refuse to live someone else’s life. I know what I want, and I know we are sound in our love respect and commitment”

 

“You don’t have to make me happy, you only have to be happy seeing me happy.“

 

So why am I so filled with fear? Why can’t I just be okay sending him off to stranger sex and get over it? Why does it feel like the end of us? I had no issues with watching him fuck another woman when I was there, in fact it was hot as hell, so what’s the problem? Well, obviously the fact that I’m just not comfortable with it. Does that make me a controlling cunt? I feel it’s carving out my boundaries, which I have every right to have. He simply doesn’t agree with them, or want to ‘adhere’ to them anymore. So where does that leave us? Do I bend to his will, or are we done for?

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Short answer: He loves swinging and having sex with whoever he wants more than he cares for you. Sorry, but from the info given, that is the one conclusion that can be drawn.

 

I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world because the Ms. and I are swingers. If she, for whatever reason, decided she wanted to stop, I would stop in a second and never look back and still consider myself as one of the luckiest people in the world because of this experience. But what she wants is more important to me than either of us just having sex with other people. Sex is just sex while she is the love of my life. If I were to try to force her to continue in a L/S that she isn't interested in anymore would hurt me probably more than it hurt her...AND it would be disrespectful to her for me to do it. We are a team...if she doesn't want to play this game anymore, then I either need to find a new team mate or stop playing the game (and I'm not willing and don't think it is possible to find another team mate as awesome as she is). Our relationship comes first before everything else.

 

That is not how your partner is. He would rather have sex with just anyone than have a relationship with you. It's not like you are unwilling to play because you are...but it's not enough for him. That doesn't sound loving or caring. I would strongly suggest that you both sit down had have a heart to heart, but his actions don't sound like he places too high of a value on you or the relationship. I could be, hope I am wrong...I can only go on the info provided. I wish you all the luck, but you shouldn't have to 'bend to his will'. This doesn't make you a 'controlling cunt'. Wanting to be shown some love and respect is something everyone is entitled to and should be given, but I don't know if that is something he is able to do. Please let us know how things go.

[adamgunn 1,460]

It appears you're talking about it, and that's good. But you're clearly not happy with it. If he loves you, he should understand that and be willing to work with you. But, possibly, he won't, and then you'll have to make decisions.

 

Best of luck.

[lcmim 1,083]

Gold Couple has it nailed. His sentiments are pretty much my own.

[padoc 1,703]

Gold is entirely correct. To put it more bluntly, if your relationship and feelings are not primary with him than you're just another fuck, albeit one that he may "like" a bit more than the next strange piece. It's clearly not love. If it was, your feelings and needs would rank a lot higher than sniffing out the next roll in the hay. You may continue along this path with him but it will end badly for you. I'd suggest that you cut your losses and move on. It'll hurt but the hurt will be way less than you'll have if you invest another 6-12 months of YOUR love in this relationship.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

You deserve better. I barely know you and I can tell that. Don't settle, don't sell yourself short.

[g-lovers 21]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses, albeit of course not what I’d hoped for.

 

In all fairness to Tom, I should offer a bit more perspective on our lives.. When he moved to our town, I had been with my husband for 12 years. We were in the thick of life and had just started over far from home, so spontaneity and a consistent sex life had fallen by the wayside- but we were happy!

 

Then this man (Tom) just strolls back into my life, after 23 years. My last memory of him was nailing me up against the wall at his parent’s house with the biggest cock I’d ever seen, and here he is fucking kissing me again!?

 

We shared a unique childhood in the 80’s Middle East. We were kids, neighbours, and then much later we were lovers. We sat through the ‘94 World Cup together while his mom’s litter of 14 Doberman puppies ambled around us with their freshly snipped ears. When he left, he moved to the South. I went to Canada, so there was very little reason for us to cross paths ever again. So when we both found ourselves in a totally unrelated country, there were immediate sparks and within 2 hours of catching up, yup, he’s kissing me. I slapped the shit out of him (married, dude!). He must have passionately kissed me 10 times in the front seat of my car, which means he took the same amount of slaps to the face- but the kisses kept getting longer in between slaps... Then he leaned over and took my braless breast into his mouth, with the perfect amount of bite. At that moment, I decided he was just as naughty as he always was, so i got my juicy self together and went the fuck home.

 

I told my husband the next morning and he reacted with excitement ( wowza!).

 

Fast forward-

Tom moves to our town- but it was clear that the connection was far too intense to be able to keep it FWB as initially negotiated with my husband....and a lot of shit happened in between... a major brain injury which I nursed him through, working with me for 2 years, and developing a serious connection with my young kids.

 

Tom has been a committed LS guy for his entire adult life. He has had several long term relationships over his 46 years, and has never hid this fact. He’s the typical bad boy that pushes every boundary that presents itself to him. He is fucking exhausting sometimes- but the man has a heart.of.gold. He would do anything for anyone, and does. He is strong willed, as stubborn as I, and has clear boundaries. He welcomes confrontation, yet always keeps a level head. Drives me fucking nuts. But damn, does he love me. And because we were so enamoured, he embraced into the beauty of that and didn’t demand anything from me while we established our commitment to one another.

 

Over the years, as my marriage dissolved, Tom had a few trysts. A couple of random hook ups, and one several month relationship with a woman (someone I knew well enough to have lunches with). Through these dalliances, I always felt loved and as a primary should (not to say I always dealt with it well!), but as he got the taste again (he loves pussy), he was reawoken. He drive amped up, and because it was more of a conversation, he saw how exciting the idea of other people was becoming to me.

 

But in my mind, it would always be together. I wanted to watch him make other women cum, I wanted tits in my face, and to feel a pussy myself for the first time. He agreed to doing it together. And we have! And it was hot!

 

But here’s the deal- and these are his arguments/justification for this turn of events-

I still live with my husband and kids.

 

Tom comes home alone every night. I sleep with him 1-3x a week, and we have a family night every Sunday. But to his point- I go home to my family, and my safe, love filled place with my husband and kids the majority of the time. I have chosen not to live with Tom for many reasons, but the biggest one being the children. My husband (not divorced, mostly because government, taxes and paperwork) and I have a very peaceful non-sexual union. We don’t fight, we co-parent well, and support each other’s personal and love lives. Deep in my heart I know this is the best thing for our children right now. But Tom ultimately gets left out of a lot. He misses us, he has tastes of it all the time, but he doesn’t feel like we’re truly his. He’s lonely, which he gives me zero guilt trips about, because in his heart he knows it’s best as well.

 

So then Tom and I take a month long family vaca and by the time we landed at home he was having ferocious feelings of ‘being caged’ (a month of 24-7 with my tweens and mother will do anyone in!). So I reignited the AFF account that we’d let lapse, and wow did he make quick work.

 

Whats going on is we have hot 46 year old, hungry man, who’s in a committed, loving relationship that he prioritizes, yet most nights he’s home alone. What does he think about at night? Fucking. He watches a lot of porn and wonders what happened to his life? How did he become such a monogamous family man? He.wants.to.fuck.

 

So as of today, I’m offering less resistance and deciding to try it on and see how it feels. The woman he’s going to see next week is safe in that she’s happily married, and only in the country for a few more days and then not again until July-August. She’s older, hot and fit. She and her husband offered to have us up, but I turned them down immediately due to my hissy fit (regretting that now I tell you- ha!).

 

Also, on his own accord, Tom committed to only seeing women that would pose zero emotional complications, and out of our very small and incestuous town.

 

I wonder if you guys still think he’s a selfish prick that I should bolt from? Or do I just need to grow the fuck up, know that I’m safe and enjoy the evolution of my sexuality without so much resistance all the time?

 

I’ll be frank- there is still a part of me that totally agrees with all of you. Doesn’t fucking matter what our living situation is! We either respect my boundaries and allow me to catch up on my own time (within reason and with effort), or we’re not actually a team- which doesn’t bode well for our future.

 

I’m so torn! And that was way longer than I meant it to be...stoned and rambling! ?

 

I so appreciate your insight...

[lcmim 1,083]

"I’ll be frank- there is still a part of me that totally agrees with all of you. Doesn’t fucking matter what our living situation is! We either respect my boundaries and allow me to catch up on my own time (within reason and with effort), or we’re not actually a team- which doesn’t bode well for our future. "

 

So you are obviously old enough and experienced enough to make up your own mind.

 

You have allowed yourself to get into a very complicated situation.

Thinking ahead a bit: When your children reach maturity will you and your husband divorce? If you do can you imagine yourself being happy permanently in whatever life that you will be likely to have with Tom? If so then take the risk and whatever the fallout it brings.

If no then leave now and leave Tom to his life.

 

If I were in a similar situation then I would extricate myself quickly. I would never put someone else in the situation that you are in.

[g-lovers 21]

Sorry, can you clarify your last paragraph, Icmim? If you were me, or if you were Tom you would extricate?

 

I am not committed to living with my husband until the kids are of age, but I do believe it’s the best decision right now. I absolutely see a happy life with Tom in the future, but I also don’t feel a heavy pull to live together. I enjoy my own space, our parenting styles are miles apart, plus I’m just out of a 15 year relationship. Must people live together in order to have a committed, loving union? When your lives are as intertwined as ours, I really don’t think so. But clearly Tom doesn’t feel that way, which is is the ultimate basis for all this strife. I know that we need to come to some conclusions as a couple on that topic, but in the meantime...

 

Can I not expect him to move at my pace in swinging simply because we don’t live together?? Is that unreasonable of me? Going off on his own feels...painful. Almost like he’s trying to prove a point- though he’s not an asshole. He just wants to live a little, and I think he feels we’re wasting precious LS time- like he will be undesirable to the majority of people soon due to his age?

 

I don’t know if I’m trying to excuse his inexcusable behaviour, or if I know in my heart that it’s really not a big deal.

[lcmim 1,083]

Sorry, can you clarify your last paragraph, Icmim? If you were me, or if you were Tom you would extricate?

 

I wouldn't allow myself to be in your position nor would I allow myself to put anyone on that position. I do not see you acting as a couple.What I see is Tom acting as a single and you swinging in the breeze. But that is just me and my opinion. What matters is you and your decision.

[g-lovers 21]

Would be helpful for you to explain why, but I don’t expect to take up any more of your time.

 

Splitting at this time isn’t what either of us want. He (over the past few days) has expressed total willingness to put on the brakes if I’m still in crisis mode, but to me swinging is an exercise in realizing that we hold no ownership over our partners and encouraging each other to enjoy all that life (and sex) has to offer, hence the confusion. I clearly have not fully wrapped my head around the solo part of that equation.

 

Cheers.

[lcmim 1,083]

Would be helpful for you to explain why, but I don’t expect to take up any more of your time.

 

Splitting at this time isn’t what either of us want. He (over the past few days) has expressed total willingness to put on the brakes if I’m still in crisis mode, but to me swinging is an exercise in realizing that we hold no ownership over our partners and encouraging each other to enjoy all that life (and sex) has to offer, hence the confusion. I clearly have not fully wrapped my head around the solo part of that equation.

 

Cheers.

Very simple the preferences that my wife and I have come to. Just hours wouldn't dream of telling you how to handle what you have on your plate.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

If he's unwilling to make decisions with you as a couple, you aren't a couple. Trying to talk you into doing something you are not comfortable with doesn't sound promising.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Please see above short answer:

 

Short answer: He loves swinging and having sex with whoever he wants more than he cares for you. Sorry, but from the info given, that is the one conclusion that can be drawn.

 

Even you have come to the same conclusion:

 

I’ll be frank- there is still a part of me that totally agrees with all of you. Doesn’t fucking matter what our living situation is! We either respect my boundaries and allow me to catch up on my own time (within reason and with effort), or we’re not actually a team- which doesn’t bode well for our future.

 

All the additional information only clouds the issue. Lets see, he is still having sex with other women, but he's only looking for women that he has zero attachment to??? Including married women??? Bottom line: It's the same question. Is he treating you with the respect and love you deserve or is he TELLING you that you need to do things and let him do things you don't agree with or enjoy?

 

Is it possible to love and want someone who just isn't ever going to be able to give you what you need? Yes, but that doesn't mean he will ever give you what you need or deserve. Wishing that someone was different will never make them so any more than wishing for a million dollars. Does it hurt...does it suck...yes it does, but better to hurt now than waste years only to come to the same conclusion only then having to wish you had that time back. You deserve better, go out and find it.

[g-lovers 21]

Good point, O+H. We had a wonderful talk last night, and have come together with a mutually accepted decision on how we’ll proceed. Holy fuck the processing in all this is so extensive.

 

Thanks GoldCo. I think there was a disconnect in my rambling post. He has not been, and is not, having sex with other women. He was looking for my ‘permission’ to have an occasional dalliance on the side as finding couples where we are is a challenge. I came here, because I envisioned us as a ‘package deal’ and hoped to acquire some perspective from people who have moved from playing together to playing separately.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We consider everything we do to be a 'package deal'...everything, not just swinging. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[AngelandTiger 364]

He knew you were married with a family. He kissed you, and sucked your breasts anyway. You resisted. He didn't take no for an answer. Even a slapped face did not dissuade him.

 

That's not "naughty". That's sexual assault.

 

He's a cheater (with you), and he will cheat ON you. The question as to whether to stay with a man who cheats (not a lifestyle action by any means) and commits sexual assault should be obvious.

 

Sorry for the dose of reality. I'm not usually this direct. However, this is a situation with more red-flags than a construction zone.

 

T

[padoc 1,703]

Nothing the OP has added has changed my initial assessment of her situation. To put it even more bluntly, Tom is a player and he's playing you like an instrument that HE has finely tuned. This will not end well for you but it will CERTAINLY end!