Moral dilemma

[NC_Seniors 518]

We were approached by a couple on SLS about getting together with them. After a few emails and a phone call, we agreed to meet them in mid-February at a club in a city about an hour from both of us and see how things went. A week or two before we were supposed to meet, he sent email saying they’d broken up due to her drinking and abusive behavior, and he’d NEVER give her another chance. We thought that was the end of the story, right? Nooooo. Within the past few days, he sent another email to say they’ve been talking, she’s admitted it was her fault, she’s gonna get help, and they’re gonna try again. Then came THIS:

 

“I was wondering that if we do get back together would you all like to meet the way we planned before? It might would help our relationship to get a good ‘jump start’.”

 

We’re on the fence about this. On the one hand, given everything we’ve read about how swinging might adversely affect an already rocky relationship, we think getting together to play with these people might be an abysmally bad idea for them and their future. On the other hand, we might get to have (maybe some pretty good?) sex with another couple and what happens to them afterwards is really *their* problem, not ours. We’d appreciate anyone’s thoughts on the situation.

[lcmim 1,082]

[PeterJ 949]

We were approached by a couple on SLS about getting together with them. After a few emails and a phone call, we agreed to meet them in mid-February at a club in a city about an hour from both of us and see how things went. A week or two before we were supposed to meet, he sent email saying they’d broken up due to her drinking and abusive behavior, and he’d NEVER give her another chance. We thought that was the end of the story, right? Nooooo. Within the past few days, he sent another email to say they’ve been talking, she’s admitted it was her fault, she’s gonna get help, and they’re gonna try again. Then came THIS:

 

“I was wondering that if we do get back together would you all like to meet the way we planned before? It might would help our relationship to get a good ‘jump start’.”

 

 

We’re on the fence about this. On the one hand, given everything we’ve read about how swinging might adversely affect an already rocky relationship, we think getting together to play with these people might be an abysmally bad idea for them and their future. On the other hand, we might get to have (maybe some pretty good?) sex with another couple and what happens to them afterwards is really *their* problem, not ours. We’d appreciate anyone’s thoughts on the situation.

 

 

I believe your correspondent is kidding himself if he thinks a swinging episode is going to help get his renewed relationship off to a good start.

 

From a philosophical perspective whether you ought to pursue this potential opportunity for partner switching depends on how responsible you feel about the well-being of your prospective partners. If you and your wife feel you don't want to be party to an act that will probably be damaging to their fragile relationship (and it likely will be) then you will probably want to pass on this latest approach by the man. On the other hand, if your belief is that they are adults, you aren't responsible for the wisdom (or lack thereof) of their choices, and because you aren't overwhelmed with other opportunities to play with other couples, you may choose to respond positively to his approach.

 

from a practical perspective, i think anything more than a "once and done" is extremely likely to produce a Friends with Drama relationship rather than FWB. And even a one-evening stand could easily devolve into Shakespearean-level drama.

 

on a personal note, my first ever real lifestyle experience (other than a soft swing with my first wife and another couple years previously) was a threesome with a married couple who were social friends. I found the experience almost beyond wonderful -- I fantasized about it for decades afterward -- and was for years desirous in my heart of a repeat with them. It was the first time for them (they were in their 20s and quite curious)and it turned out to be their last experience with swinging. They both enjoyed the overnight as it unfolded, as the wife later told me. But it opened up incipient fissures in their relationship that nearly ended their marriage.

 

That was more than 35 years ago and I'm pleased to say they are still both my friends and remain married -- quite happily, I believe. I have some pangs of guilt that the evening turned out so well for me -- it confirmed that various forms of the lifestyle would be an important and positive part of my life -- but that their experiment had proved damaging to their life together.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Swinging will make a great relationship even better, but it will expose every crack and weakness in a 'less than great' one. When couples say they are not looking for drama, THIS is what they are not looking for. They are going to blow up again and you don't want to be part of the melt down. Walk away, there are still plenty of other couples out there.

[Billygoat 443]

Run.....run....RUN! Run faster.......

[cplnluv1 872]

There are plenty of other fish in that sea. Cut bait and cast away

[EastInWest 1,524]

I don't think there's a fence to sit on here. They're hot-and-cold and one describes the other as an abuser.

[NC_Seniors 518]

Thank you, one and all. We were already leaning towards running in the other direction, but we're new enough at this -- our first swap was just two months ago -- that we thought we should seek the wisdom and experience of the community. It seems like our "gut" was right.

[padoc 1,703]

If you meet a couple who is trying to fix their relationship with swinging at best you'll have an uncomfortable evening at worst, you'll get sucked……into their drama. RUN, block their phone number and their SLS profile. Nothing good will come of this for you two.