Questions about the wife

[adamgunn 1,460]

These are questions for men who have been in the LifeStyle with their wife (or SO) for some time and are comfortable with it.

 

Let’s suppose your wife happened upon a man who really turned her on in a vanilla situation. You know, in a gym, coffee shop, etc. She desperately wants to make love with him.

 

Firstly, would you mind if she just went off with him and had her fun, perhaps texting or calling you on the way, or even doing it and telling you later?

 

Secondly, if she came to you before she took him to bed, would your attitude be that she should go and have a good time, or would you want the two of them to be in your presence?

 

I know there’s a world of grey between the options, and every couple feels different about what they’d do. Feel free to fill in the blanks.

[Newandnaughty 3]

When you say happened about a man that really turned her on in a vanilla situation and make love, that sounds more along the lines of boyfriend/relationship. Some folks are into that type of situation and some are not. My wife and I enjoy fucking other people, we only make love to each other. That being said, obviously it’s a lot of fun when you find a play partner very attractive.

[lcmim 1,082]

Who my wife plays with is up to her.

From my standpoint, for her safety, I would want to know before hand who it is, and where.

 

I would want him to know that I was aware.

[Hotwifeswinger 38]

As long as I feel it’s safe, and she tells me beforehand, I say go have fun.and hopefully multiple orgasms!

[Alura 2,774]

I've written before about Laura's experience. Sorry to bore those who have aready read about it. I was a motorcycle industry sales rep, calling on customers in a five-state area. I came home from Oklahoma City to the remark, "I met a guy who wants to fuck me, Darling." She snuggled her nude body closer.

 

Every man she ever met wanted to fuck her, in my opinion. We had decided during our first date that a marriage spent "cleaving only unto each other," would get boring.

 

"That's not surprising, Sweetheart. Have you had an adventure?"

 

"Not yet, but I want to if it's okay with you. Richard is soft-spoken, has a nice smile, and he's a muscled hunk! If I were single, I'd do him in a heartbeat. He asked me to dinner."

 

"I assume you said 'yes'. When do you want it to happen?"

 

She kissed me long and hard (so to speak) and whispered, "I think next Thursday. That way, I'll still have his cum in my pussy on Friday. You can mix yours with Richard's when you get back from Dallas while I whisper the story into your ear. Put me in the mood to commit adultery, Darling."

 

My trip to Dallas was unusually productive. Dealers were stocking up for the coming season. I was beaming all the time. One buyer asked why I was so jovial. I blamed it on the beautiful late-spring weather. Laura and I talked every evening when I was on the road. That week was heavy with "Project: Fuck Richard" plans. We didn't talk on Thursday, fearing it might interrupt them in "mid-fuck". I watched a movie in my hotel room about a Texas couple who met as competitive wildcatters. I rushed through my appointments and finished on Friday morning. All right, I admit to not making any cold calls. I arrived home in time for a candlelight dinner, and a wife wearing a new negligee.

 

"Did you wear that with Richard, Sweetheart?"

 

"I bought it today for you, wore an old one for Richard. I'm so lucky being married to you, Darling. You're about to be welcomed by a grateful and very well-lubricated pussy. Tell me about Dallas at dinner first." Dinner didn't take long.

[Numex 2,415]

Who my wife plays with is up to her.

 

From my standpoint, for her safety, I would want to know before hand who it is, and where.

 

I would want him to know that I was aware.

We used to be that way, but for our mutual safety decided among us and several mutual couples to only play within our group. If my wife decided she really needed to fuck someone outside our group, even a woman, we would withdraw from playing with our current lovers per our agreement.

[padoc 1,703]

At this point in our life, I trust her judgement. I'd want to know about it and the guy, but if she wanted to do a vanilla guy, I wouldn't object and I wouldn't insist on being there or a part of it if she was comfortable with the plan.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Wow, guys, it's just a question . . .

[Alura 2,774]

Isn't it common courtesy to answer?

[EastInWest 1,524]

We figured out a while ago that we don't find this objectionable. We have not acted on it, but it's on the table, as long as it's a couple hundred degrees of separation away from our vanilla life. We've changed our life around so we can spend more time on a city we both enjoy more than where we work and if it comes up, it's not a problem.

 

With that said, no sleepovers, no repeat dates, and no intercourse without talking it over first.

[Bluespruce1 706]

I am the F in our relationship but I can tell you that’s a big NO for us. We swing because we love sex - and each other - period. Although we are close with member of our group and those that we know from the beach and club, we don’t forge relationships that strain our marriage. We swing to take our sex lives to a different level then we could on our own. There have been plenty of guys that have come along that I could have peruses and gone down that confusing road. The ladies love my husband because he is cute, funny, smart and loves to please - the whole package - but he doesn’t let things go there. We know we have something special and don’t let our egos ruin it.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I've written before about Laura's experience. Sorry to bore those who have aready read about it...

 

I had never read it, and as you know I've been on this board for years. I just LOVED reading it! That sort of thing to me is a little slice of heaven.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

These are questions for men who have been in the LifeStyle with their wife (or SO) for some time and are comfortable with it.

 

Let’s suppose your wife happened upon a man who really turned her on in a vanilla situation. You know, in a gym, coffee shop, etc. She desperately wants to make love with him.

 

Firstly, would you mind if she just went off with him and had her fun, perhaps texting or calling you on the way, or even doing it and telling you later?

 

Secondly, if she came to you before she took him to bed, would your attitude be that she should go and have a good time, or would you want the two of them to be in your presence?

 

I know there’s a world of grey between the options, and every couple feels different about what they’d do. Feel free to fill in the blanks.

 

This has evolved over time. The first few months or so that we were swinging, it was always together, always same room. She had enjoyed swinging, but still wasn't really sure it was her thing. then, we had a foursome (MMMF), and one of the other guys absolutely did it for her. She was over the moon having sex with him, and could not get enough. When we got back to the car, she said "Ok, now I'm a swinger!" She was incredibly enthusiastic and wanted to fuck him again. A few days later, just such an opportunity arose, but I could not go; she would have to play alone with him. We talked quite a bit, and decided she should go. I certainly didn't want to deny her playing with this guy, knowing how much she had enjoyed him the first time. I was a basket of nerves through it all.

 

Following from that, things slowly evolved more. Now, my wife plays more often without me than with me, but we always make love when she comes home, and I always know in advance who she is with and where, plus we always have an agreed upon time when she will be coming home. Over the years, she has had a couple of boyfriends with whom she had regularly played. With a boyfriend, she's generally filling all his sexual needs, and thus it's not often convenient that I can go with her when he's wanting to have sex with her. In both cases, she's developed feelings for them. In one, she was feeling an increasing sense of love for him, but his work circumstance changed and he's moved away. We're ok with repeatedly playing with the same people, and even with feelings developing. We're always in communication with each other, ensuring our relationship remains solid. We're not actively seeking a poly style relationship, but aren't averse to it developing. We both feel that sex is better as emotions become closer.

 

In the event that she were to find some guy that made her thighs quiver, she would tell me first. I would be ok with her going off with him without seeing her first, but we would have to communicate first. Doing it and telling me later is absolutely not going to happen. She has a free pass to do that with exactly one person whom she has wanted for years but is not available (and we're not approaching him about it). I have such a pass with one person as well, but it's not going to happen either.

 

In the secondly case, as you can surmise from the above, she can play solo if she likes. We prefer MFM first, but depending on the situation solo can be first.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

At this point in our life, I trust her judgement. I'd want to know about it and the guy, but if she wanted to do a vanilla guy, I wouldn't object and I wouldn't insist on being there or a part of it if she was comfortable with the plan.

 

Pretty much where we stand. We've talked about it, and she knows she can with no worries, but has chosen not to up to this point. There was one local guy, which is two out of three strikes right there since we avoid anything too local, that she was interested in and got really close to it happening, but in typical single male dumbass fashion he went and fucked it up by despite all evidence to the contrary making assumptions that she was wanting a boyfriend/husband versus some no strings attached sex. Too bad for him

[Wornsilver 219]

You're a good story teller, Alura.

[Alura 2,774]

You're a good story teller, Alura.

 

Thanks for the nice words, Wornsilver. That story is one of my favorite swinging events. I don't know why, but we never played "Hotwifing" again. We liked couples better.

[Eddiem 139]

That she wants to make love to him... is part of the hidden Q&A part. One never knows unless they have a really really really open minded SO. Often the ladies keep this to themselves or deny it. Now I/we prefered that they did it with me part of the equation in the same room. If not I would yes like updates (probably be super erotic, the mental visuals I would have)... I would best like to be present to summarize otherwise I would want to know every detail.

These are questions for men who have been in the LifeStyle with their wife (or SO) for some time and are comfortable with it.

 

Let’s suppose your wife happened upon a man who really turned her on in a vanilla situation. You know, in a gym, coffee shop, etc. She desperately wants to make love with him.

 

Firstly, would you mind if she just went off with him and had her fun, perhaps texting or calling you on the way, or even doing it and telling you later?

 

Secondly, if she came to you before she took him to bed, would your attitude be that she should go and have a good time, or would you want the two of them to be in your presence?

 

I know there’s a world of grey between the options, and every couple feels different about what they’d do. Feel free to fill in the blanks.

[Numex 2,415]

. Over the years, she has had a couple of boyfriends with whom she had regularly played. .. In both cases, she's developed feelings for them. In one, she was feeling an increasing sense of love for him... We're ok with repeatedly playing with the same people, and even with feelings developing. ...

Same with us. In some circumstances, "I love you's" are exchanged, in the heat of passion and when saying goodbye. It's natural and doesn't bother me at all. I actually prefer that a man cares for my wife. It's ironic that people who are swingers are so open and even enjoy seeing their spouse have sex with others in every possible way, but a little emotion, a little caring, is taboo.

[AngelandTiger 364]

I'd want to be there, because that's part of the package for us. Angel enjoys it all, but she's not comfortable, and doesn't feel safe, without me there, and I love to watch her with a man. Under no circumstances do we "make love" to anyone but each other, and if it appears that one of us is doing so (which hasn't happened in over 10 years of swinging), we both agree that we would end the evening and the relationship with the other couple/man/woman, lest feelings develop.

 

T

[Numex 2,415]

I enjoy being there, but we also play alone or threesomes with other couples.

 

. Under no circumstances do we "make love" to anyone but each other, and if it appears that one of us is doing so .., we both agree that we would end the evening and the relationship with the other couple/man/woman, lest feelings develop.

What do you fear about "feelings"? We have emotional attachments to our play partners and think that it's a good thing. I like that my wife's lovers care about her as more than a good fuck. And it hasn't diminished her love or commitment to me at all.

[Billygoat 443]

Everyone is different. There is no one correct or excepted definition or proper way to “swing”. Because it is an alternative Life Style.

 

The Life Style is outside the accepted norm of society. Including but not limited to sexy dress up, fetish dress up, hot dancing, flirting, watching, playful touching, nudity, sharing sex....sharing yourself and every possible imaginative adult whimsical interest/curiosity between SOs.

 

The only anchors, communication and honesty, between SOs and those you might include with you.

 

Some enjoy the thrill of picking up a stranger while others prefer the organized club. Some want no contact or connection sex while others enjoy the dance and flirting that leads to sex sharing and playing. And some of us enjoy a polyamorous connection with some of those we are with, an emotional caring attachment.

 

It is after all, an Alternative Life Style.

 

We are nudists, swingers and lean more to a poly lifestyle. We tend to play and include those close to us in our lives. Enjoying life and sharing life with our playmates and poly lovers. We are not normally interested in strangers in the moment but have from time to time. We are all about safety....and I am for her safety.

 

If the Queen met some one that sent shivers through her body and she wanted him or her we would discuss it and arrange if possible the ability for her to enjoy time with this person.

 

We do not have just one definition of ourselves and we have learned to never...say never.

[LecrameMark 15]

Hey, are you jealous, if so talk to her, if you're not jealous try smth new with your wife swingers party and features

[AngelandTiger 364]

I enjoy being there, but we also play alone or threesomes with other couples.

 

 

What do you fear about "feelings"? We have emotional attachments to our play partners and think that it's a good thing. I like that my wife's lovers care about her as more than a good fuck. And it hasn't diminished her love or commitment to me at all.

 

We don't fear anything about feelings of friendship, caring and genuine sexual attraction. I'm talking about romantic feelings. One of the best things about the LS is that it intensifies the bond and "teamwork" that we both share. Romantic feelings for one outside our marriage would disrupt that, and in our experience, virtually always lead to relationship strife and drama, unless, that is, a poly relationship is what you're looking for. To each his own, but we reserve romantic feelings for each other.

 

T

[kcjones 59]

Within a lifestyle event or venue, YES. In the vanilla world, NO. Too many safety risks, not that the lifestyle doesn't have its fair share of creep-tastic men.

[adamgunn 1,460]

As always, if it works for you, have a ball!

 

I feel that my wife's safety is paramount, she does too, and if she goes off with a man she'll text me a picture of his license plate, the address where they are playing. We also have our phones set up so we can track them, if anything suspicious happens I can go to that location. If worst came to worst, I could always hand this information to the police.

[JessicaJamison 861]

That is literally what I do as a hotwife.  I meet a guy that makes me sparkle and tell my husband imma be late cause I got an itch lol.  I play alone.  

[Sunday 119]

On 6/15/2019 at 10:44 AM, adamgunn said:

These are questions for men who have been in the LifeStyle with their wife (or SO) for some time and are comfortable with it.

 

Let’s suppose your wife happened upon a man who really turned her on in a vanilla situation. You know, in a gym, coffee shop, etc. She desperately wants to make love with him.

 

Firstly, would you mind if she just went off with him and had her fun, perhaps texting or calling you on the way, or even doing it and telling you later?

 

Secondly, if she came to you before she took him to bed, would your attitude be that she should go and have a good time, or would you want the two of them to be in your presence?

 

I know there’s a world of grey between the options, and every couple feels different about what they’d do. Feel free to fill in the blanks.

 

Would I mind if my wife wanted to cheat on me?  Um, fuck yeah, I'd mind. 

 

Listen, I know "swinging" means different things to different people but for us, it's done for sport and adventure, and it's always done together.  We're not single people looking for hook-ups in gyms or coffee shops, we're married and devoted to each other - we just happen to have a very audacious sex life.

 

?

[10thBadger 25]

On 7/5/2019 at 1:56 PM, adamgunn said:

As always, if it works for you, have a ball!

 

I feel that my wife's safety is paramount, she does too, and if she goes off with a man she'll text me a picture of his license plate, the address where they are playing. We also have our phones set up so we can track them, if anything suspicious happens I can go to that location. If worst came to worst, I could always hand this information to the police.

Badgers wife,
 

It is awesome that you take such precautions for your wife’s safety. Very very good

[Anon321 522]

I'm perfectly fine with my GF having fun with whoever she wants.  She doesn't need to tell me beforehand if she doesn't want to or doesn't have the chance to.  We are very open about that.

[njbm 2,870]

We always play together. If we are at a house party and we know most of the participants, we could be in separate rooms. But sometimes you run into guys who are into slapping or choking and I like to be there with my kickboxing training just in case things go south. Although if you cross my wife, she might lay down the law herself. Never has happened. 99% of swingers observe people’s limits. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

On 7/5/2019 at 1:56 PM, adamgunn said:

I feel that my wife's safety is paramount, she does too, and if she goes off with a man she'll text me a picture of his license plate, the address where they are playing. We also have our phones set up so we can track them, if anything suspicious happens I can go to that location. If worst came to worst, I could always hand this information to the police.

Vaguely related anecdote:

 

I work with a submissive, who likes having a male gatekeeper for this kind of thing. A big part of what she's been into is athletic training, and one night while she was out for the last night of a competitive training program, she texted me at the after-party and asked permission to go play with someone who had been very flirtatious for several events and she was into.

 

She gave a coherent explanation of why she was attracted and why she felt safe, as the group knew this person well and his social media checked out. She went to his house, sent me the address where she'd be, and confirmed that she parked on the street where she could get her car out.

 

After about fifteen minutes, I got curious about the scene, so ran the address through Google. The person's name came up on the house, with a wife attached. At first, I was not able to clarify what was going on there and assumed they were divorced since all of his social media was very clear that he was a father, but made no reference at all to a wife. I dropped her a message asking if everything was alright - figuring she'd have her suspicions - and she responded that it was and that there was some light kissing.

 

I still had doubts, and continued to look a little deeper, confirmed that he was definitely married and that this was definitely the marital home - present tense - and sent her a message letting her know and that if she wasn't comfortable with that, she should leave. She did, immediately, and texted me from the end of the block.

 

She felt bad for missing obvious signs that there was something fucky going on in the adrenaline rush after the event and feels that she learned a lesson about trying to play impulsively, but was glad she left when she did - literally seconds before oral sex on the family sofa. In retrospect, it was definitely the case he was concerned that the neighbors would see her car, but was afraid to say so clearly. He also acted "busted" when she checked her messages, looked surprised, and suddenly said she needed to leave, as if he assumed the message might be a warning from a club member. It may also be the case he was keeping his voice suspiciously low because the kids were sleeping in the house.

 

Picking up vanilla men, someone concealing a wife or girlfriend is an assumed risk. If the guy had an arrangement with his wife or not, that is what it is, but she deserved to be told she was in a marital home - where he'd apparently tucked away all the wife/kids stuff while she was out of town - and where anything could have gone wrong. The disrespect implicit in pretending to be single and dragging someone into your family drama (people in the athletic club gossiping, nosy neighbor giving the wife the license plate, wife coming home early with a pistol, a kid coming down the stairs, getting deposed for divorce court, etc.) was unacceptable. It was so brazen - and in front of witnesses - that it didn't cross either of our minds that it might be that type of situation, but is demonstrative of a huge and dangerous character problem.

 

Point is, having a second pair of eyes on that kind of thing is a good idea. We added a couple of new rules to make sure she doesn't walk herself into that again.

Edited December 28, 2021 by EastInWest

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

EastInWest, that's a fantastic post! I wish I could like it a thousand times. It really goes to show some of the problems that can happen.

 

My wife plays with single men sometimes. But, we try very hard to ensure they truly are single. We will not play with people who are playing without permission. If they say they are married, but playing with permission, we insist on talking with the spouse to verify it. This has happened a small handful of times, and each time they balked. I.e., playing without permission...part of the 30-40% that are creeps that I mentioned in another post today.

 

My wife and I do not have carte blanche permission to play, with two exceptions (*). We have an open marriage, and very much enjoy it that way. But, play partners are to be vetted, and we do not play without the other one knowing. Like you EastInWest, if we're playing solo our other half knows where we are, when we're getting there, how long we might be, and check in just before we arrive and just after we leave. We (almost...there was one time which worked out, but she contacted me before hand) never play solo with someone we've not met and vetted before.

 

(*) - my wife has permission to play with a man we've known for 20 years. He's quite happily married, and has never given us any reason to believe he's in anything other than a strictly monogamous marriage. My wife would absolutely love to play with him. It will never happen. But, I've told her she doesn't need my permission if, by some massive stroke of luck, she finds herself in such a situation where he's willing and his wife agrees, and for some inexplicable reason she can't contact me in the moment. That's the only carte blanche permission she has. For my part, my carte blanche permission is with a woman I dated long before I met my wife. She and I remain very close (and my wife knows and approves, and even told her as much). This woman is single and knows I'm available and willing to play if she so desires. She's heard it directly from my wife. It hasn't happened, and won't happen, but if by some stroke of luck a situation evolves as above with my wife's carte blanche, I too have carte blanche in that situation

 

There are risks in the lifestyle. My wife and I are not willing to risk each other just to have sex with other people. It's not worth it. There are many rewards in the lifestyle. There are dangers too, and if you're not careful it can be quite dangerous.

[EastInWest 1,524]

2 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

My wife plays with single men sometimes. But, we try very hard to ensure they truly are single. We will not play with people who are playing without permission. If they say they are married, but playing with permission, we insist on talking with the spouse to verify it. This has happened a small handful of times, and each time they balked. I.e., playing without permission...part of the 30-40% that are creeps that I mentioned in another post today.

 

(*) - my wife has permission to play with a man we've known for 20 years. He's quite happily married, and has never given us any reason to believe he's in anything other than a strictly monogamous marriage. My wife would absolutely love to play with him. It will never happen. But, I've told her she doesn't need my permission if, by some massive stroke of luck, she finds herself in such a situation where he's willing and his wife agrees, and for some inexplicable reason she can't contact me in the moment.

My only carte blanche permission is Salma Hayek, so if that situation ever arises...

 

Anyway, it's funny what you said about verifying. One of the rules I laid out for the submissive was that if she wants to do that, even if she believes she knows the person's situation from prior talks (as she did in the incident at the guy's house), to drop me the full name to do a satisfactory check online before agreeing to leave with anyone. (She knew his name and that guy's social media would not have revealed the existence of a wife, he's making an effort to lie and this could have easily happened to any vanilla single woman, but again, a second pair of eyes can't hurt.)

 

Fast forward a few months, she wants to try hotel bars again. Someone sits with her very quickly. She really enjoys the conversation. There's some extremely mild innuendo and flirting. An hour later, she's ready to do her thing, but they've kept it light and never got to last names.

 

"By the way, my last name is XXX. What's yours?"

 

She passes me his answer to check.

 

"Vandelay."

 

After confirming that - as expected - he didn't exist, she was already messaging that he was acting weird now and she assumed he was lying. I had to explain it was a famous Seinfeld joke about fake names.

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by EastInWest

[Anon321 522]

On 12/27/2021 at 7:38 PM, njbm said:

We always play together. If we are at a house party and we know most of the participants, we could be in separate rooms. But sometimes you run into guys who are into slapping or choking and I like to be there with my kickboxing training just in case things go south. Although if you cross my wife, she might lay down the law herself. Never has happened. 99% of swingers observe people’s limits. 

I understand this.  My GF is into the rough stuff and most of the times in those situations I want to be there for her security far more than for sexual gratification.  Unfortunately I haven't always been there for every occasion (her doing) because I know how things can escalate.  The slapping doesn't concern me as much as the choking does.  If I'm not around the idea of someone putting their hands around her neck is worrisome.  I also know that my GF likes to be choked but I always advise her to manage things appropriately when I'm not around regarding guys choking her.  It's one thing getting facefucked and choking her with their cocks but it's another thing once their hands are placed around the neck with any sort of pressure.

[njbm 2,870]

Choking sounds like a bad idea to me. Make love, not war. 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

15 minutes ago, njbm said:

Choking sounds like a bad idea to me. Make love, not war. 

My wife and I had a threesome with a man who placed his hand around her neck while they were having sex. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't intercede because there was no sign from her that she wasn't enjoying it. She said later that it surprised her a bit, but she wasn't scared. She never played with him again though.

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

47 minutes ago, Anon321 said:

I understand this.  My GF is into the rough stuff and most of the times in those situations I want to be there for her security far more than for sexual gratification.  Unfortunately I haven't always been there for every occasion (her doing) because I know how things can escalate.  The slapping doesn't concern me as much as the choking does.  If I'm not around the idea of someone putting their hands around her neck is worrisome.  I also know that my GF likes to be choked but I always advise her to manage things appropriately when I'm not around regarding guys choking her.  It's one thing getting facefucked and choking her with their cocks but it's another thing once their hands are placed around the neck with any sort of pressure.

I've posted about this once before, but the sub I work with asked about choking and I simply told her no, and why. I trust myself to be responsible but don't want to teach her something that leads to pain or regret later if she chooses the wrong playmate.

 

There are other ways to simulate that level of submission, like placing your hand around the neck with an elbow on her chest. Moderate pressure on the chest without restricting anything in the neck can give her the important part without the messy/risky aspects. Alternately, one hand firmly on the back of the neck, or both hands around the neck, but only restraining with gentle pressure from your thumb and forefinger on the jaw and skull, not the neck.

 

There's no need to link the feeling of submission with the rush from releasing the neck, many/most women who ask to be choked are not really asking for erotic asphyxiation, but for an intimate and comforting feeling of being secured by an authority figure while something emotionally intense or strongly taboo is happening, and that's the solution they came up with. Feeling controlled by the neck by a strong hand is about as thorough as that gets, and can be more comforting than inanimate restraints like handcuffs.

 

I have a strong opinion about this and will beat that drum anytime sexual choking comes up, because women who like it often experience an addictive feeling and won't ask to stop, and too many shitty wannabe dominants thinking about their own nut instead of watching what's happening to the submissive and leading the scene. Amateur BDSM with people who haven't thought it through - or just don't care - can be bad news and this is a line to draw early and often.

Edited January 10, 2022 by EastInWest

[Anon321 522]

1 hour ago, EastInWest said:

I've posted about this once before, but the sub I work with asked about choking and I simply told her no, and why. I trust myself to be responsible but don't want to teach her something that leads to pain or regret later if she chooses the wrong playmate.

 

There are other ways to simulate that level of submission, like placing your hand around the neck with an elbow on her chest. Moderate pressure on the chest without restricting anything in the neck can give her the important part without the messy/risky aspects. Alternately, one hand firmly on the back of the neck, or both hands around the neck, but only restraining with gentle pressure from your thumb and forefinger on the jaw and skull, not the neck.

 

There's no need to link the feeling of submission with the rush from releasing the neck, many/most women who ask to be choked are not really asking for erotic asphyxiation, but for an intimate and comforting feeling of being secured by an authority figure while something emotionally intense or strongly taboo is happening, and that's the solution they came up with. Feeling controlled by the neck by a strong hand is about as thorough as that gets, and can be more comforting than inanimate restraints like handcuffs.

 

I have a strong opinion about this and will beat that drum anytime sexual choking comes up, because women who like it often experience an addictive feeling and won't ask to stop, and too many shitty wannabe dominants thinking about their own nut instead of watching what's happening to the submissive and leading the scene. Amateur BDSM with people who haven't thought it through - or just don't care - can be bad news and this is a line to draw early and often.

I hate reading this because it freaks me out but it's important.  I don't like choking my GF so you can imagine how much it freaks me out that someone else is doing it.  I've expressed this concern to my GF several times and she understands.  I think you came up with some interesting solutions here worth exploring.  I agree that there are other ways to domination with cuffs, controlling by the hair rather than neck, a leash, etc.  As far as choking goes I feel OK with her being facefucked and choked by dicks because she can pull away, signal a safety tap, or worst case scenario just bite their cocks 😧 but the sight or idea of other guys putting their hands on her neck is just not something that I'm comfortable with even though it is still not an uncommon practice with my GF.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

18 hours ago, Anon321 said:

I hate reading this because it freaks me out but it's important.  I don't like choking my GF so you can imagine how much it freaks me out that someone else is doing it.  I've expressed this concern to my GF several times and she understands.  I think you came up with some interesting solutions here worth exploring.  I agree that there are other ways to domination with cuffs, controlling by the hair rather than neck, a leash, etc.  As far as choking goes I feel OK with her being facefucked and choked by dicks because she can pull away, signal a safety tap, or worst case scenario just bite their cocks 😧 but the sight or idea of other guys putting their hands on her neck is just not something that I'm comfortable with even though it is still not an uncommon practice with my GF.

Three points:

 

There is a mile wide difference between rough sex and abuse.

 

The worst case scenario is that some ignorant dip sh$t will accidently kill her. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex

 

That your girlfriend seeks out this kind of behavior leads me to think she has some self-destructive tendencies and derives some kind of masochistic pleasure from putting herself in knowingly dangerous situations. Time for her to do some self-assessment and find out what is going on behind those decisions.

[EastInWest 1,524]

4 minutes ago, AndrewandAnn said:

The worst case scenario is that some ignorant dip sh$t will accidently kill her. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex

 

That your girlfriend seeks out this kind of behavior leads me to think she has some self-destructive tendencies and derives some kind of masochistic pleasure from putting herself in knowingly dangerous situations. Time for her to do some self-assessment and find out what is going on behind those decisions.

It may also just not feel dangerous to her, as she may have simply never encountered anyone who behaves dangerously. There is a first time for everything, but unfortunately, as with many things in life, sometimes the first time something goes wrong is also the only time.

 

More probably, there's always risks like strains or sprains if a submissive has an involuntary reaction (real-life example: a mild panic over a very sudden flashback to being intubated) and the dominant tries to continue thinking it's not a big deal (or just because they're close to orgasm), instead of making an absolute priority out of what's happening.

 

Also, just skimming that article, but I notice that the lede references a couple using a belt from a robe. People should never, ever do things like this. Pressure on the front of the neck is always bad, any kind of ligature concentrates the pressure in a dangerous way that can seriously damage tissue, and there's no guarantee you'll be able to loosen it as fast as a hand. Even people who play with this enthusiastically focus on distributed pressure on the sides of the neck, not on the windpipe and hyoid. That's a hard never, ever.

 

[AndrewandAnn 360]

5 minutes ago, EastInWest said:

It may also just not feel dangerous to her, as she may have simply never encountered anyone who behaves dangerously. There is a first time for everything, but unfortunately, as with many things in life, sometimes the first time something goes wrong is also the only time.

 

More probably, there's always risks like strains or sprains if a submissive has an involuntary reaction (real-life example: a mild panic over a very sudden flashback to being intubated) and the dominant tries to continue thinking it's not a big deal (or just because they're close to orgasm), instead of making an absolute priority out of what's happening.

 

Also, just skimming that article, but I notice that the lede references a couple using a belt from a robe. People should never, ever do things like this. Pressure on the front of the neck is always bad, any kind of ligature concentrates the pressure in a dangerous way that can seriously damage tissue, and there's no guarantee you'll be able to loosen it as fast as a hand. Even people who play with this enthusiastically focus on distributed pressure on the sides of the neck, not on the windpipe and hyoid. That's a hard never, ever.

 

Being choked is, by definition, a dangerous behavior.

 

Being choked by strange men makes it all the more so.

 

From the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders:

 

"Hypoxyphilia is a dangerous form of masochism that involves sexual arousal by oxygen deprivation..."

 

Read more here: https://www.psychologistanywhereanytime.com/sexual_problems_pyschologist/psychologist_sadomasochism.htm

[EastInWest 1,524]

21 minutes ago, AndrewandAnn said:

Being choked is, by definition, a dangerous behavior.

 

Being choked by strange men makes it all the more so.

 

From the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders:

 

"Hypoxyphilia is a dangerous form of masochism that involves sexual arousal by oxygen deprivation..."

 

Read more here: https://www.psychologistanywhereanytime.com/sexual_problems_pyschologist/psychologist_sadomasochism.htm

Totally fair. By "dangerously" there, I meant with a disregard for her needs and wishes - stated or implied. (The lede in that Guardian story mentions that when the wife slumped over, the husband "thought she was playing". In reality, if it wasn't an outright murder - a central point of your link is that many "sexual choking accidents" probably aren't - he likely was just thinking about his own orgasm instead of her condition and figured he had time to address it after.)

 

I don't think it's implied in Anon321's post that his wife is specifically experimenting with a thrill from oxygen deprivation (maybe she does), as much as it freaks him out that she likes the dominance of hands on her neck. This is a valid fear. However, I am also aware that people can become addicted to oxygen deprivation and that's a bad road to go down.

 

Either way, what I'm saying here, from the one time I experimented with this with a submissive woman at her request, is that not everyone realizes they're being deprived of oxygen and has a physiological alarm to warn them off of it. They may not know this about themselves, incorrectly believing their body will tell them to stop. Which is why I agree that it's always a bad idea, even with a trusting working relationship, but especially with a new partner trying to be edgy. I fundamentally agree with you, even if we have terminology differences.

Edited January 11, 2022 by EastInWest

[Anon321 522]

4 hours ago, EastInWest said:

I don't think it's implied in Anon321's post that his wife is specifically experimenting with a thrill from oxygen deprivation (maybe she does), as much as it freaks him out that she likes the dominance of hands on her neck. This is a valid fear. However, I am also aware that people can become addicted to oxygen deprivation and that's a bad road to go down.

There really are different levels to this whole choking thing.  My GF does like to be choked.  She would prefer to be facefucked (choking on dick) rather than give a slower controlled blowjob.  A hand on the neck is fine.  I will even put my hand around her neck sometimes because I know she likes the dominant feel it gives.  Tightness with the hand around the neck?  I can go a little tight which would restrict her from moving her head around much.  This is as far as I can go and I know this is safe.  The fear is not choking on dick or even a firm grip around the neck restricting movement.  The fear is the pressure that can be applied to the choking (specifically when we're talking about in a missionary type of position where the back of her head is against something.  That's the thing that freaks me out.  The other stuff doesn't really bother me as much.