First full swap and need advice! Please!!

[mhanscom03 16]

So my wife and i are very new to the lifestyle and have met a wonderful couple whom have been in the lifestyle for a few years now. They are sweet, respectful, fun and attractive. We had been flirting with them for about a couple weeks before making the decision to play with them, which we have done twice now. The first time playing we only did soft swap because in all honesty I was unable to get it up which stunk but i know is a common growing pain of the lifestyle( a lot to take in the first time and a lot of pressure). MY wife and i after this first experience felt it was a overall a great experience and the perfect way to ease into the lifestyle but I of course didnt get to experience it from a personal side tot he fullest extent. WE laid out many rules which we would follow in the future and all of them seemed pretty straight forward as far as rules go. We had discussed that we were ok with full swap because I already love watching her be with someone else, both men and women. So on our second play date with this wonderful couple I was a whole different person in the bedroom, sexually excited, felt very comfortable and connected with both my wife and this new couple and this proceeded very hot and heavy in what felt like a very organic way. About a half hour in i was taking my wife from behind and the other husband his wife and we decided it would be fun to tie their arms and ankles together side by side which was a huge turn on int he moment. We continued with our own wives for another 10 minutes and unfortunately I ended up making a careless mistake in the moment. Her husband and myself looked at and gave each other the go ahead to full swap for a minute and both of us looked to the women to make sure everything was ok and in the moment it all seemed totally normal and the natural progression of where things were going. This only went on for about 5-7 minutes and it seemed like all parties were thoroughly enjoying themselves. After that we both went back to our wives for what seemed like forever and we both finished separately and enjoyed some light conversation with the other couple naked on the bed for a little while. They left and everything seemed fine however in my aftercare i discovered that i made a critical error in that i didn't verbally get the go ahead to penetrate the other woman which is a big no no for us and i felt terrible that i allowed the moment to take over and cloud my judgment. This is of course something that i vowed and mean to never do again as we are very new to all of this. Because of this break in our rules my wife saw it as a traumatic breakdown in our communication and after the fact has told me that she took zero enjoyment out of seeing me with another woman in that way which i was surprised about because of all we had discussed beforehand. I understand that no one can predict the type of emotions that can come over people in uncharted territory and have been very understanding of her feelings and taking this a day at a time to make her know she is and will always be number one. She knows the love i have for her couldn't never exist with anyone but her but its important to constantly remind her of it in any way i can. We have talking since then after a but of journaling our emotions, needs and concerns and she has told me that because of how she reacted to seeing me penetrate the other woman she no longer wants to do full swap. I'm sure it isn't easy at the beginning to come to terms with seeing that but when i hear her say that she didn't enjoy anything about it i feel the need to dig deeper and ask her more. We talked some more and i have discovered that she also seems to have no interest in having sex with another man at this time which could have to do with the man or just the action with someone that isn't me but i don't know just yet. Our relationship is strong and can get through anything but it stinks a little bit that she took zero enjoyment out of watching me with another woman because i felt the complete opposite towards her in that moment. She is bi and hasn't explored that side of her sexuality so it was so exciting for me to get to see that but i don't know if that's the only aspect to the playing that she truly enjoys apart from being with me of course. Like, does she actually enjoy seeing me pleasure another woman with my hands and tongue, or does she actually enjoying sucking the other mans cock. I will eventually ask her these hard questions but i'm starting to think that while we can soft swap with other couples there may always be a part of me wondering is she actually enjoying watching me be with another woman in any way? It feels to me like our reasons for being a part of all of this was to explore our sexuality and take enjoyment out of the gratification of our partners with others but it seems kind of imbalanced in my head because of how much enjoyment i take out of her with another man or woman. My last point/question is that many of my personal fantasies with other couples and just for group sex in general involves sex with both partners in a loving, trusting and consenting manner and i know this sounds selfish but i don't want to have to rule out that aspect of our swing experiences altogether because I enjoyed that part of the other night so much. We only finish with each other which is a big rule of ours which i feel always brings us back together so we always feel connected but i want/need her to know i love her and shes number one at all times. I'm worried that now there will always be a part of me that might want to go full swap because it was a big part of why i was interested in the lifestyle and want to discover a way to make her feel comfortable with me in everything we do together and separate of each other in the bedroom. I don't want her to feel like i think shes taking something away from me, but more hear my concerns about her reasons for wanting to be comfortable with me with another woman in any regard because of how she said she didn't enjoy any aspect of seeing me with her full swap. The bottom line while it may seem selfish is that i want to do that again but don't want to make my wife feel like that again and cultivate a feeling of connection so she can trust and take enjoyment out of us together and with another woman and man from all aspects. Looking for general advice and to create a conversation about this so let me have it guys! Any and all advice is appreciated

[adamgunn 1,461]

Well, the first piece of advice is that you should break up your posts into paragraphs - that would make it much easier to read.

 

Now onto the problems *you* created. In the heat of the moment, you broke the rules you and your wife jointly agreed on. Maybe it was a consensual thing, maybe not. Doesn't matter. You broke the rule. That's a rookie mistake. Now you are going to pay for it.

 

Your wife was surprised. She is having a bad reaction. SHE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER IN THIS SCENARIO. You keep coming up with statements like, "it was a big part of why i was interested in the lifestyle." It no longer matters what you want, the rules were broken - now you have to come up with new rules.

 

Respect your wife! If all she wants to do in the near future is soft-swap or same-room, that's the way it should be. It's possible that in the future, after she begins to trust you in swapping situations, that she may move forward. Or maybe not. Accept your wife's decision.

 

Best of luck.

[mhanscom03 16]

Thank you for your advice, yeah that was a bit of a rant and i will break things up into paragraphs next time. All of your advice are steps i already want to take to make sure things are all smooth sailing from here on out. I also appreciate the way you told me, very blunt and to the point which i could use right about now. Thanks again, we have a strong bond and will be fine but we are so new to this that anyadvice helps!

[Newandnaughty 3]

Swinging isn’t for everybody. Just like anything else, give it a shot and see if you like it. You do, your wife not so much. Maybe she needs to come to terms with emotions, we sure did after our first time. Maybe once she comes to terms with the emotions she’ll want to try again and maybe she won’t. I’d probably slow down with the questions until she’s ready to discus things, it’ll only create more distance between her and the lifestyle. Good luck on whichever path you guys take.

[lovefest04 701]

I'm confused. You said that the issue was that you didn't ask for the other wifes' consent before penetration.

 

Did you not ask YOUR wife if it was ok? Is that the issue?

 

The two ladies were roped together and I suspect the two men moving from one to the other was obvious. So, if one of the ladies was uncomfortable, I can't imagine there wasn't the opportunity t say so.

 

Maybe I've got this all wrong, but that doesn't seem like THE reason your wife is upset. I think she found the entire experience didn't meet her expectations for one reason or another and she's looking for anything to hang it on you or to use to get out.

 

Seems to me your wife tried it and didn't like how it made her feel. You may need to really limit your activities to soft swap and same sex swap in the future rather than try to figure out how to have full swap sex.

[samandtammi 99]

I agree about the paragraphs...almost blinding to read!

 

I agree with lovefest04. I don't think the real issue is your lack of asking for consent. That just doesn't feel right. I think your wife was ok with swapping until she saw you with someone else. That could be something she will get used to over time and it could be a deal breakear. Depends on whether or not she wants to move forward in the lifestyle. Soft swap might be the best road to take until she can handle actually seeing you with someone else.