Is this your first marriage?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We discussed this idea here before (I think) that of how it seems so many couples who swing are in their second (or more) marriage.

 

I was having a conversation with a (divorced) friend of mine tonight and he made the comment that once you've been divorced it is much easier to see what makes a relationship work (whether it be yours or someone else's) and what is bad for a relationship.

 

So that got me back to the idea that often swinging couples are not on their first relationship so I thought I'd pose this thought/question to you and see what you think about it.

 

First off (see the poll above) is this your first, second, third marriage? Assuming you are even married, of course. And if you are not on your first marriage, do you think that having been married previously helped you to see why swinging may be a good thing in this relationship? Do you think going through a bad relationship helped improve your communication skills to the point where you could even discuss such ideas?

[Roxysbayou 20]

I am on my second marriage, but it's hubby first.

 

I was only 17 when I got married the first time. I can remember us being extremely jealous of each other. I think that when I finally broke free of him I told myself that I would never get into a relationship like that again.

 

Now that I am remarried I find that I am not very jealous at all, and I am a lot more laid back about things than I used to be. I also share a lot more with my husband sexually than I did the first time around. I guess that's why I was so open to trying out the lifestyle.

 

Roxy

[NorCal Nites 15]

I am working on marriage number 2... and it's hubby's first.

 

With the other marriage, I just wasn't comfortable in swinging with him... never even broached the subject, although he tried many times because he knew beforehand that I was bisexual.

 

It just didn't feel right, and the relationship dissolved. But we are very good friends now.

 

I sincerely thing that I would only be in this lifestyle with my current husband. He's been the only person that I could ever fully open up to sexually, and mentally.

[Tanman aka Mike and Marie 16]

Married once, 22 years and counting:)

[TomF_22033 17]

Currently divorced from my 1st time. A good friend of mine calls the first marrage the starter one or trail one. The one you use to learn your skills for what she calls the "real" one.

[lnk4u 15]

this is both of ours first marriage going on 20 yrs this march.

[tbop 15]

Divorced twice and done with the whole marriage unless I find someone who is into the lifestyle. My ex's would never attempt the sharing concept and I always got the excuse "I could never have sex with someone else in front of you". The problem, they didn't seem to have any problem having sex behind my back. I was always upfront and honest, telling each of them, "if you want to screw someone, bring them home, let me know, we'll make arrangements". I can't deal with the sneakiness, lying, deceiving, etc. So alas, single again.

[Alura 2,773]

I stayed single (divorced) from age 26 until age forty and had the attitude, "Never again!" Then I met Mrs. Alura. She was going through a divorce at the time and also had the "Never again!" attitude. We decided to compromise...

 

Mr. Alura

[C@YWMI 15]

Well my wife and I consider ourselfs very lucky we just celebrated our 18 wedding anniversary. But just a couple of years ago we finally started to communicate about our sexuall desires and fantasie's

[Vjklander 138]

Married once, 26years and counting

 

[NotsoNew 17]

This is my second marriage and my husband's first. Got married the first time when I was 20 and too young. Also learned a valuable lesson with that one - can't change a person. No real jealously with that marraige, a lot of other issues though. But we are all friends now.

 

But, now I feel as though I am with the right person and know that when this poll comes around 20 years from now I will be able to say married 27 years.

[DrNed 15]

Only once ,33 years and I can truly say I'd do it again in a heartbeat !

[RnLinohio 17]

Ok i have the fairy tale........... married the boy next door thing going on. We have been together since i was 14 him 17 got married when i was 17 (him 20) and will celebrate 14 yrs in May. I do think we were to young to get married, and it took us a long time to start communicating properly (a red head temper and an oriental temper). Neither us us wanted to comprmise much. But starting in this lifestyle and learning to talk about EVERYTHING has made us stronger.............. 6 yrs ago, i wouldn't have said we would be together in 20 yrs, but right now i would say we will be together 50 yrs from now, and a big part of that reason was learning how to communicate.

 

Robin

[JnM_Pgh 25]

Married 23 years. Began dating in 9th grade and never looked elsewhere! Every day I thank god I chose her and that she wanted me also! I can't imagine being this happy with anybody else!

[shoreguy 15]

I once saw the term "starter marriage" defined in Wired magazine in the mid-90s. It was a monthly column about new 'net terms. The definition was that it was a first marriage that was not in the best interests of the two parties, acquired no real property and produced no children. Both sides learn their lessons, divorce without much trouble (nothing to fight over) and move on.

 

I had a starter marriage. We were both too young, and a bad match even though we were in love. We are no longer on speaking terms, since I found out (years later from the other guy at my bachelor's party) that she was cheating on me at the end. I did learn a lot of lessons, both what I would expect in a mate, and things I shouldn't do. I wouldn't consider all first marriages as starter marriages.

 

Another favorite term from that column was "yuppie food stamps": $20 bills that you get from the ATM and then use to pay off the dinner bill at a restaurant. Some things they defined really did get popular, but most were just fads.

[licpl2cpl 15]

Third times the charm!

[LowPurrCpl 15]

We are college sweethearts, married for 8 years and still in love! We are the essential "do opposites attract?" couple. YES! We seem to compliment each other very well.

 

LowPurrCpl

[wrnakedru 38]

He is my second husband, I am his third wife.

 

He tells people it took him three tries to get it right.

 

We were both a bit gun shy at first. I was coming out of a very long term marriage and not in any rush. He was just out of his second divorce and was likewise in no hurry. We lived together for a full year prior to marrying.

 

We would each marry one another again in a heartbeat and feel very lucky to have found each other. We realize our prior experiences prepared us to appreciate one another and what we have together.

 

Neither of his earlier marriages included swinging. My former marriage did, for the last eight years of it. While I do not blame the demise of the marriage on swinging, for many years I truly believed I would never get into the lifestyle again.

 

We have been together for over 13 years, and swinging has only been a part of it for about the last 2 1/2 to 3 years. I have learned the difference it makes to have the right partner in lifestyle pursuits. I felt I was mostly a "ticket" the last time around, and thus my reluctance to re-enter the activity. This time it has truly been a unified, together as one experience - and it has made all the difference in the world.

[cm89 16]

First for both of us...

 

married 7 years, together for 15ish...

[BradAndJanet 70]

We've been married twenty years. I still love her as much, if not more than I did at the beginning. Oh, it hasn't been all roses. There have been plenty of thorns too, but we learned to work around them. I think that as long as you're both willing to do that, you have a real chance for something that lasts. Maybe that's what love is...

 

-B

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

Is there any way we can choose more than one option? Greg is on his second marriage, while Sheryl is on her fourth.

 

I guess we can choose the “3rd Marriage or beyond” option if it’s okay to go by a cumulative figure.

 

[txbbbiw 15]

This will be my first (we'll be married this March), and it will be his second. We'll be together 3 years this March. His first marriage was a "starter" one too...regrets all around and no problems divorcing.

[Botcpl 15]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

 

I was having a conversation with a (divorced) friend of mine tonight and he made the comment that once you've been divorced it is much easier to see what makes a relationship work (whether it be yours or someone else's) and what is bad for a relationship.

 

[/b]

 

Julie,

 

The odds of the second marriage surviving are only slightly better than the first, roughly 50%.

 

We are on our only marriage, it will be 23 years in Aug. Of all my close high school friends, we are the only ones still on our first for each. It might be the water, I don't know.

 

We've been "testing the waters" in the lifestyle for only a couple of years and really only started excelerating the pace in the last few months. So far so good.

 

Botcpl

[mrs good times 73]

This is my first and mr. good times second. We've been married 18 years. His first I say was young, dumb and full of cum.

[daindenver 15]

I was married for 17 years to the wrong woman for the wrong reason! Looking back I had no idea what I wanted in a woman back when I was 23 but felt I "needed" to be married. Once I discovered changing the woman was not going to work (damn I was nieve) we had a daughter and I felt compelled to stay for my one true love - my daughter. Unhappy in life I decided to make a change and asked for a divorce. Ironically my daughter told me she wished we had divorced sooner so we all could have been happy. KIDS! Anyway I am now enjoying life as I had dreamed and living the swinging lifestyle is one of those dreams! That is another topic for discussion - dreams we have and those which come true.

 

Thanks for this forum - I am new here and am anxious to meet you all!

[TNT 1,155]

Hmmm, just realized that I hadn't posted to this thread.

 

First marriage for both of us, been married 22 years in March, together as a couple for 24 years and have been friends our whole lives...since we were both in diapers, lol.

 

I do tend to agree with those that said that having been through a divorce helps you understand what went wrong with the marriage and helps you to not make the same mistakes in the next one.

 

Virtually everyone that Ted and I know, friends and immediate family, have been through a divorce. Having watched these divorces from the outside and discussing extensively with each other what we felt/knew was wrong with the marriage gave us a better understanding of what NOT to do in ours.

 

Teresa

[flyer757 15]

Have known each other for 16 years. Married for 10 years (first marriage for both of us). Have had ups and downs along the way....! Time has proved that the love for each other is still growing...

[sexypairca 41]

I'm only doing this once so he's stuck with me for the good, the bad and all the uglies . First marriage for both of us, eight years and counting, together for about 11 now.

 

Annette

[MattMann 17]

19 years, but the last 5 or so have been iffy, so divorce could be just around the corner...

[WesternSwing 504]

Both my bride and I are on our second marriages. We've been together 6 years and married for 4 of them. She was married the first time for about 2 years, and I 11 years.

 

We both brought some ex-baggage into our relationship (how can you not) in one way or another, but we both know what didn't work in our previous marriages and try to avoid the same stuff. And we've worked through the old bad stuff together.

 

I really think you do get a better perspective of what to avoid after a failed marriage. Or at least some do. If it were truely the case than the rate for second marriages failing would be much less, not 10% more, than the rate of first marriages failing. This may simply be that many of the second marriages started from the failing of the first (such as in affairs, the case with my ex-wife who is now divorced from the guy she left me for).

 

But if you enter into a second marriage with allot of self reflection and introspection the next marriage can be much healthier. I know my marriage to Mrs. WS is. Has it made it easier to swing? I think yes. There is an open line of communication in our relationship that was never there in our first marriages.

 

Mr. WS

[easygoin 15]

this is my first and wifes first marriage...we have been together since we were in jr high.....we have a great marriage...we have done alot and have been adventurerous(spelling?) anyways...im lucky to have her...

[midnight hour 16]

Mr.Midnight and I will be married 20 years on July 7th. He was 19 when we got married, I was 24.

 

Midnight Hour

[couplefromma 15]

Married once. 18 years and going strong.

[misterbates 3]

Married 15...together 20.....first for me 2nd for her....

[cumply21 16]

We've both been married once, and have been married for over 11 years.

[EvilMJ 65]

First for me and second for Hubby. His first was for 6 years, and we have been married for over five now and completely happy

[robnbarb 40]

My wife and I are both on our second marrages.

 

She was married to a man that just did not appreaceate her at all and was only conserned for himself (that is the mild version of the story).

 

My ex had this sort of fantasy idea of what marrage was, that it was happily ever after or something. Meanwhile she also wanted to have her bi-romps but keep me out of it. From what I have been able to gather, in 6 months she had 3 affairs, one with another woman and 2 with other men, and never was I apporched about swinging or anything like that. In fact i doubt I would have with her since I honestly deep down never trusted her, I always felt like she was up to something but put it away since I could find no evidence for it.

 

Anyway the communication between us broke down to nothing until one day she spouts out "I don't love you anymore." no reason or ryhme or anything. I soon discovered she was dateing another man almost the day after she left. There is more, but it is a massive quagmire I just toss my hands up at most times and wonder why I married her to begin with.

[webehavin 15]

25 years and both on our first!!! Yes, the ups and downs are there, but we have learned to get over them. We are still continuing to discover the magic between us!!

[littlebit54 16]

I don't seem to fit in any of the categories either. I voted married twice; but i could have voted living together, never married. That's the one i should have picked, because those two marriages were a long time ago and in the scheme of my life now; very irrelevant.

 

The only good things i got from those marriages were my two sons (so irrelevant might be too harsh a word). My first husband was an emotionally barren wasteland. My second husband was just a plain old fashioned womanizing cheater. I told him if he ever wanted another woman, all he had to do was tell me, first. I would have understood and maybe we would still be together. But, instead he chose to sneak and be deceitful and kill my trust and love for him with his double standards of who can and who can't cheat!

 

My son's are both a priceless treasure to me; and if i could go back and change things, i would only try and introduce their father's to the lifestyle...lol

 

I've been living with my current S/O for 20 years in October. He's the kinkiest one of all (so far). But, whether or not i could ever talk him into (either one or both of us) getting into swinging is probably why i am on here in the first place.

 

I want to learn all about people in the lifestyle before i ever approach him about that first big step.

 

littlebit54

[Nymph an' Satyr 22]

Married 18 years, together 25. My first, her 2nd- she married 1st when she was 18, too young. We've been swinging for about 2 years- it coincides with the kids being old enough to be left home alone Very happy thank you very much. Communication- the thing that makes swinging work is what makes marriage work too.

[macallan_neat 16]

Our first.

 

Married 14 years, together for nearly 20. I'm so in love with her that if she leaves me, I'm going with her ...

 

When I married her, I thought I knew what love was. Fortunately, she's showed me what it really is.

 

I love you KA!

 

JD

[puneswings 15]

We are on our first marriage, and are now 7 years married. Ours was a typical Indian "arranged" marriage and I never knew Asha before our brief 1 month engagement. I know this sounds unimaginable to most, but what the heck, it worked for us.

 

As it turned out, we are very very compatible on almost fronts. She enjoys the occassional smoke like I do, shares the occassional drink with me (when reading this, keep in mind that these interests are quite rare for the traditional Indian woman) and of course we discovered we were both bi and developed a common interest in swinging as well (definitely even more rare! )

 

We did go thru some initial mind-f*** when we started swinging, some amount of jealousy and possesiveness did creep in. But we both understood that such feelings were not rational given that we were both interested in swinging and we both understand our love for each other, and now we were quite happy and secure in the lifestyle.

[jack_cindy1987 15]

My first, his second married 18yrs ..............lots of hills and mountains.A little out of breath Surrender but worth the climb. Wouldn't do it different.He is my best friend

[autumn528 16]

2nd(and last!) for the both of us. Mrs. Autumn tells me there's only one way out for either one of us and that's in a body bag. Gotta admire a woman of principle...

[Dynamar 246]

I once saw the term "starter marriage" defined in Wired magazine in the mid-90s. It was a monthly column about new 'net terms. The definition was that it was a first marriage that was not in the best interests of the two parties, acquired no real property and produced no children. Both sides learn their lessons, divorce without much trouble (nothing to fight over) and move on.

 

I had a starter marriage.

 

I kinda did too... although I think we married for the right reasons, and were married 14 years. I left because he was addicted to phone sex, that he hid from me... could not, or would not, communicate with me and would not seek counseling with me to get to the root of our problems.

 

Was also in a 2-year live in relationship which turned out to be the biggest mistake I ever made. Fortunately, marrying him was the biggest mistake I never made and I left him and moved to another state almost a year ago.

 

Glad to see many still on their first marriage!

[djjwp 129]

1st time 8 years of struggle (she was 18 and PG and I was 22)

 

2ed time 11 years of bliss with a great person.

 

Sometimes you need to change.

[lovefest04 689]

vjklander..

 

us too. first marriage - 26 years and counting.

 

I'm just not sure I can keep up with my hot hot wife facelick

 

i hope others can help

 

s

[C n' D 4playin 15]

we are still on the first...

32 years as of march 18th.....

 

we only have one simple rule between us.......the 5 yr rule.

it goes something like this.

 

"things" (behaviors or honey do list items)....that WON'T matter in 5 years from today...we accept/ignore in eachother

the "things" that WILL matter........we make sure we fix before we go to sleep tonight. *wonders why "she" seems to win all those*

 

as Nymph an' Satyr stated....."Communication- the thing that makes swinging work is what makes marriage work too"

 

we must be lucky......because we have always have had that ability between us....from that first date forward.

[RnR 15]

Married once, 47 years March 21 and counting.

[manitobaguygirl 15]

We've actually discussed this a lot. We, Rich and I have both went through divorce and have talked at legnth about why things different the second time around. In my marriage I was jealous and sensitive, not to mention abusive on both sides and a lot of affairs. Now I am over 30 and wanted to explore my sexuality. So I had a talk with my wonderful and amazing guy and he was all for it and when I brought up the subject of swinging with him he was all for it! The conclusions I've come to is that now I can seperate love and sex and see the reality is what feels good feels good! and real intimacy is the nitty gritty of the relationship it's withstanding time and seeing each other through the bad times and laughing together through the good times. Swinging just enhances what we have. It would be interesting to do a formal study on this subject, many of the couple we swing with are also divorcees... hmmm and yet the poll shows that never divorced people out weight the divorcees.

 

jo and rich