Wife was SOOO into play pre children...but now doesn't even want to talk about it.

[cooper 67 15]

My wife and I married in our early 40's. My first marriage and her third....with other kids from her previous marriage. We now have an 8 year old and in our early 50's.

 

When we met I was travelling the world as a yacht captain and saw plenty of crazy things (sexual and otherwise) mhy soon to be wife proved to be just as open to being crazy.....hence I knew she was a keeper. We discussed our fantasies and she found out mine was imagining my partner getting a erotic massage....well she let me in that she had many erotic massages (all un planned). Bingo, I then prodded her to let me set up a massage for her that I could watch. She agreed and we had a few not so good meetings, but finally met a great guy who was fantastic. We would get a nice suite at a high end hotel in the city where we lived and get a few cocktails going at the hotel bar before heading back to the room where my wife would get ready. It really turned me on that she would take such care in trimming herself and putting perfume in the right places before putting on sexy lingerie in front of me awaiting her lover.

 

Contrary to all of what I thought of her she insisted on answering the door and pulling our stud in and right away deep kissing him while rubbing his crotch. WOW is all I could think. What a vixen I've married!

 

We also visited Club Desire with the idea we would just be voyeurs, but again my wife totally floored me by having herself offered up on the beach bar naked for multiple people to do body shots off of her. (Did I mention she was a high powered political operative in DC?). She also found a woman of a couple attractive (and bi) and I got to witness a fantastic 69 with ehm and then have her fuck the husband to orgasm.

 

Brings us back to current day and we have a fantastic daughter and I realize her issue with not wanting to do anhy crazy sexual things anymore...but she doesn't even want to acknowledge they happened. She even has suggested I pressured her to do those things. Not sure what to do, but have others experienced this?

 

My single goal in all of the erotic romping we have had is to watch my wife in Ecstasy. Certainly she can understand that?

[Napoleon 230]

Your first marriage, her "third"( red flags) marriage and kids from each marriage. You couldn't find a childless woman who never been married to marry?

 

Now you have a child with her and she's now blaming you for supposedly pressuring her to do all those sexual things?

 

"Good luck" on your marriage. I hope you got a prenup.

[cooper 67 15]

Cool. Thanks for your positive reply!

[Napoleon 230]

Cool. Thanks for your positive reply!

 

You're welcome. ?

[Manitobacpl 81]

Might be menopause? My honey went off sex for a while and the least mention of it brought out Attila the Hun

[adamgunn 1,461]

Many women slow down or take a break completely from the LifeStyle when they are raising children. It's logical, the child takes a lot of time and energy. It's possible that after your daughter gets to be a teen-ager and more independent that your wife's interest will recover.

[couplers 4,718]

... It really turned me on that she would take such care in trimming herself and putting perfume in the right places...

I learned in high school that putting perfume in the right places is putting a finger or two in your vagina (or any vagina, I guess) and rubbing it behind your ears. I still do it sometimes. I like to see the reaction when one of my guys says, "You smell great." and I say, "That came from Lora's/Clair's pussy."

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Something that you need to understand is that she has put 'being a woman' on hold and exchanged it for 'being a mother'.. Common thing really. What you need to do it to get the communication back and remind her that she is still a woman. The swinging thing will probably stay on hold until the child needs her less, but she needs to know that she can be a mom, a wife, AND a woman all at the same time.

[couplers 4,718]

... she needs to know that she can be a mom, a wife, AND a woman all at the same time.

The guys in our family as well as Lora, Clair and I are all grateful that we easily separate sexual recreation, controlled reproduction, and parenting from each other. Well, mentally we have no problem, but time-wise it requires work and planning. Being in a poly family makes it a little easier for one or two of us to take care of the children while the others enjoy themselves.

 

What was a surprising effort, however, was to control our sex activities when one of us was wanting to conceive with one of the guys. It became a matter of both not doing anything to accidentally get the wrong sperm in there, but also for the guys not to do anything that would reduce the amount of sperm available for the goal. Surprisingly, there is no problem whatsoever of each of us treating all of the children as our own, regardless of biological parentage.

[older couple 132]

My wife and I have been swingers for 44 yrs. Married 47. We have had one hell of a sexual recreational life. There is no way I can count the men my wife has had great people we have befriended. . After our kids grew up and left, my wife had a live in boyfriend for six years. He passed three years ago. She was very devastated. After that, her 52 yrs old career army solder brother died from a brain aneurism caused by many concussions from battles in Vietnam, Baltics, Granada, Panama, and both Iraqi wars. Then her mother passed and soon after that her dad passed and then after that he swinger girl friend became a reborn Christian. My wife was raised in a very strict religious home. Her girlfriend has her going back to church and our swinging is quickly slowing down. She doesn't want to talk about any one or any sexual event in our past and it does she rewrites it.

[padoc 1,704]

The older Irish Catholics in the parish in Philly as I was growing up had an adage that said, "the older and closer to death we get the more we go to Mass." With all the deaths your wife has suffered recently might serve to remind her of her own mortality. The adage might apply to her.

[PeterJ 960]

My wife and I have been swingers for 44 yrs. Married 47. We have had one hell of a sexual recreational life. There is no way I can count the men my wife has had great people we have befriended. . After our kids grew up and left, my wife had a live in boyfriend for six years. He passed three years ago. She was very devastated. After that, her 52 yrs old career army solder brother died from a brain aneurism caused by many concussions from battles in Vietnam, Baltics, Granada, Panama, and both Iraqi wars. Then her mother passed and soon after that her dad passed and then after that he swinger girl friend became a reborn Christian. My wife was raised in a very strict religious home. Her girlfriend has her going back to church and our swinging is quickly slowing down. She doesn't want to talk about any one or any sexual event in our past and it does she rewrites it.

 

With so many relatively significant losses, it’s possible your wife is suffering from depression. Loss of libido is often an aspect of that illness. Does she maintain an interest in having sex with you. And she is still responsive to you, has her receptiveness stayed the same or diminished?

[older couple 132]

This is for Peter. She still loves me but she doesn't care for sex. She doesn't want to talk about sex or remember anything sexual we did in the past. I bring anything up she retells it differently with no sex or nudity all glorious and we are saints. Her girlfriend is just as bad. Her husband says she is the same way. Denying everything ever happened. They both compare everything happening around us as signs that God is coming the end is coming we need to be ready.

[padoc 1,704]

The last post reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw many years ago. It said…

"Jesus is coming LOOK BUSY"!

 

Older, I don't know how you can reasonably expect to change this situation on your own. As above, counseling, anti-depressants, HRT or a combination might help. However, if she has started wearing sensible shoes, dark colored mid calf dresses and a black lace veil to church you may not ever get your sex life back.

[older couple 132]

I appreciate all your responses. They are all good advice. We have had a conference with her preacher who is trained in such things. We found her big problem is guilt for enjoying all the sex she has had with so many men and women in her past 44 years. She just suddenly, some here advised, realized that after the death of her mom,dad and brother that death is around the corner and she suddenly panicked. All her childhood religious teachings hit her hard. Yes, no more swinging or nudity, but he has done well in helping her to except her past. What she does with her life from now on is whats important. Sex isn't a sin. It's a great gift and don't give it up with me. For if she did she would be punishing me, he smiled and said we don't want that, we want him to be happy too and think about his life from here after. He winked at me giving that look that says this goes for you too,mister. He said for her to enjoy the life and the wonderful things God has given her. She is a lot better. Thanks to all.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Older, we really appreciate your follow up post. Best of luck.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

All her childhood religious teachings hit her hard.

 

Been here, done that. Ask where in the bible that it says sex isn't suppose to be enjoyable. What about all of the people in the old testament that had multiple wives...and where did it say that was wrong. How about 'forsaking all others'...what does that even mean (not what do we THINK it means). To forsake another person is to leave them entirely, usually in a moment of need. Forsake may mean simply giving something up, such as a way of life or a homeland, for something better or more appropriate. Swinging almost always INCLUDES your partner (in some manor) and if you are doing it right (like you two seem to have done in the past) you didn't abandon or leave the other behind, but did this together as one. Having an affair is wrong because one is doing this without the other and without caring for the consequences...forsaking (or leaving) their partner. Now knowing these things and KNOWING these things are two different things, but she needs to hear them and think about them. Guilt is for something you did that you know was wrong but you did it anyways. God wants us to be happy, not punishing us with guilt and/or remorse, especially when it is something that also makes our partner happy at the same time.

[lcmim 1,086]

My us we are pretty much on board with GoldCouple. There is something else though.

Having a wife whose sex life is based on a religious monogamy is far, far from a bad thing.

We fit into that pattern while we were raising our family. The sex was brilliant and inventive.

If that is where you end up count your blessings. If it follows scriptural norms for the duties of a couple one to the other and the ideals of relationship also therein it will be a great experience.

We only stepped into the lifestyle because I(M) wanted to give my wife more possibilities and to help her to realize in herself the woman that I always saw. We did not do it because there was anything lacking, far from it.

[Numex 2,459]

...

We only stepped into the lifestyle because I(M) wanted to give my wife more possibilities and to help her to realize in herself the woman that I always saw. We did not do it because there was anything lacking, far from it.

We were monogamous for a couple of years after we married, then started with me encouraging my wife to have fun with exes who she enjoyed being with. I would have been happy if it never went beyond that.

[Guest]

In fairness this is a very common situation (your not alone) and lots of men around the world find their desires and fantasies about swinging are killed off in the exact same way. That in MANY CASES the wife only ever agreed to threesomes and group sex to please her husband / to shut her husband up / to try and fulfil their husbands desires and fantasies.

 

That in the grand scheme of things the vast majority of women end up trying to swinging because their husband wants to. Yes in a very small amount of cases the women end up really liking swinging and making it a fun / workable / long term aspect of their lives. However in about 95% of cases the women will become frustrated / upset / grumpy / cold towards the idea and kill it off in the weeks that follow.

 

In my personal opinion just about ANYONE can try swinging. But only perhaps 10% or even %5 of people actually make it work and become a secure / safe / fun part of their lives. Please believe me for every one man out there who does have a proper swinging wife, there are a 1000 men who haven't and are wishing they had.

 

Might sound negative, might sound gloomy, but in reality more couples fail in this lifestyle than succeed.

 

In fact over the years I have seen couples who have been swinging for 15 years together, then suddenly one day out of the blue the wife just says, I don't want to do this anymore! Boom the entire thing gone in a single sentence which can be extremely hard for a partner to understand and handle.

 

Guess I'm trying to say your not alone, and that when your wife says "You convinced her to do these things" she is probably trying to say "Look I only ever did it to please you, because its want you wanted, but I myself don't really like the idea that much, am not interested, not that invested in the entire thing."

 

To be honest I myself have given up trying now. If I have learnt one thing over the years its that you CAN'T make someone like swinging, who simply doesn't like it.

 

YES I agree in a very small amount of cases you can't date a person who totally hates the idea of swinging, and in time they learn to enjoy the subject. However that is only in a very small amount of cases.

 

Not sure that makes sense, but basically swinging is something a women either wants and is 100% cool about, or something they are never going to want.

 

In my experience you could actually line up a 1000 women, and form those 1000 women only about 1 of them would actually have the desire / ability / confidence to actually make swinging a permanent and fun part of their lives. That for every 1 women who is truly okay about been fucked / shared / gang banged there are another 999 women stud there who wouldn't like that kind of stuff.

 

Basically trying to MAKE SOMEONE like a subject that they are not really interested in / don't really want / don't really enjoy / are afraid about is a truly uphill struggle that I have wasted years of my life trying to achieve.

 

It actually doesn't matter if your reasons are honest ones. It doesn't actually matter if your intentions are noble. It doesn't actually matter if the lifestyle can be a fun, exciting, friendly, and enjoyable experience. It really doesn't matter what you say in 99% of cases of someone doesn't like this idea then that's how they will stay.

 

 

It is very upsetting but I have fallen into this trap with women on various occasions in my life. In reality it has wasted years of my life and thousands of pounds in costs, For example.

 

I will meet a women, will begin dating the women, will get to know her and have fun, will be upfront and honest about my swinging and group sex desires. I lay it out honestly and openly for the women, I let them know that YES I'd us to have threesomes with other men and women.

 

In response the women basically says "YES" that it sounds fun / that it sounds cool / that they would be willing.

 

I am happy in the knowledge that she has said YES, that as a couple we can explore group sex Perhaps we do have a few threesomes which are always great, and over the next few years our relationship becomes closer and sure this women end up moving in my house / ends up been my proper girlfriend, perhaps future wife.

 

THEN within 2 months of getting their foot in the door they suddenly go off the entire threesome idea and kindly let me know they only bothered saying "YES" to the idea to please me. To sound like a cool and open minded person when we met. That actually they know its my biggest personal turn on but they kind of find the idea disgusting / boring / dirty.

 

This situation has truly upset my life on various occasions. I have dated various women who have ACTED perfectly 100% cool about the group sex situation, then the second they get their foot in the door and our relationship starts building proper bonds they destroy my entire fantasy and basically say they never want to do it again, and never want to talk about it again.

 

Now they have their "Hooks" into me, there is no need to please me anymore, no need to explore my fantasies now, that in essence now I'm their property why do they have to work to keep me.

 

Many women simply go off this idea, only a very small amount of people can actually make this work as a permanent / extremely long term / fun / ongoing part of their relationship.

 

Looking back now over the last 30+ years its fair to say I have actually dated my fair share of women, and honestly in all of that time I have only actually dated ONE women briefly who could have easily made swinging work, that girl was truly 100% up for the idea of swinging, in all ways, and all varieties. I could have spent an entire weekend gang banging her with 5 guys and after she would still be there tugging on their jeans wanting more dick, and the same with women really.

 

However sadly our lives were just to different, she was a young and highly attractive women who just wanted to spend her life partying, and I was a guy with a full time job, mortgage, vehicle, responsibilities and I simply couldn't keep up with even 10% of her party lifestyle, since that point every women I have dated would rather destroy my group sex fantasies rather than exploring them as a team.

[padoc 1,704]

Lots of percentages and numbers without any kind of foundation. Personal anecdotes can be entertaining and to the point but tossing around conclusions about 95% of women or about all women as a result of your apparently limited and unsuccessful experiences is just silly. With your track record as described above, I'd suggest that 95% of your approach and/or selection process isn't working. We know plenty of women who got into swinging because the idea intrigued them. We know many couples (us included) who came to the decision to try this hobby jointly. And, we know a lot of women, Mrs Doc included, who remain swingers after 10, 15 or even 20 years. We are approaching 20 years and are actively planning an anniversary party involving a hotel suite and 6-8 long term swinging couples we've known for years. Try not to present speculation and unsubstantiated conclusions as facts, it calls into question your credibility.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

What's the old saying? 85% of statistics are made up?

 

I don't mean to be harsh Sun&Moon, just that each of us has our personal experiences. Trying to extrapolate from them to apply to an entire population isn't a good idea. In my experience, 100% of women who enjoy swinging. I of course know that does not apply to the entire population. Everyone's take away is different.

[lcmim 1,086]

Might sound negative, might sound gloomy, but in reality more couples fail in this lifestyle than succeed.

 

 

That concept is intriguing. Starting, trying, quitting for whatever reason is not necessarily a failure. It is how we deal with it. If we quit right this moment we would have learned things about ourselves and each other that are to our benefit, if used properly.

 

Life goes on, things change.

 

For me the real test is the same as it always has been. Having and raising children, illness and death of parents and friends, Marriage of children, ourselves aging, the questions are always the same. "How are we as a couple dealing with this one? Are we stronger, closer more fully in touch with our lives or not?"

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

85% of statistics are made up

 

Meaning that there is a huge chance (85% actually) that this statistic is also made up.

[couplers 4,718]

...

 

In my experience you could actually line up a 1000 women, and form those 1000 women only about 1 of them would actually have the desire / ability / confidence to actually make swinging a permanent and fun part of their lives. That for every 1 women who is truly okay about been fucked / shared / gang banged there are another 999 women stud there who wouldn't like that kind of stuff..

 

Interesting. While we're not exactly swingers, it seems to me that among the two guys and three women in our poly family, it is the women that are keeping the sex life spicy. The guys used to be more into play and variety, and while they still like their fun often (extended foreplay then fucking), they're not as into threesomes and MFMF as they used to be. Even after the three of us women had children and moved into our thirties, our sex drive has stayed strong and increased. We women take our family and professional responsibilities seriously, but when the mood hits us, as it often does, some other responsible person can watch the children for an hour or two while we enjoy the sexual side of life. (Perhaps part of it is that the guys take their family and professional responsibilities even more seriously, as well as keeping in good shape physically. They stay looking good by working out hard, a mix of running, weights, biking, swimming, which tires them out. We woman do it by more moderate exercise and eating much, much less.)

 

At this point, I think David and Red could be satisfied being monogamous with one of us woman. None of us women could, especially because of our loving bond to each other and our strong Lesbian side. We also share a boyfriend on the side (a married guy whose wife knows, but doesn't participate; she watches the children.) Anyway, a long way around to saying that these three approaching middle-age women are the ones "actually have the desire / ability / confidence to actually make [our form of] swinging a permanent and fun part of their lives."

[EastInWest 1,524]

That in the grand scheme of things the vast majority of women end up trying to swinging because their husband wants to. Yes in a very small amount of cases the women end up really liking swinging and making it a fun / workable / long term aspect of their lives. However in about 95% of cases the women will become frustrated / upset / grumpy / cold towards the idea and kill it off in the weeks that follow.

 

In my personal opinion just about ANYONE can try swinging. But only perhaps 10% or even %5 of people actually make it work and become a secure / safe / fun part of their lives. Please believe me for every one man out there who does have a proper swinging wife, there are a 1000 men who haven't and are wishing they had.

 

Might sound negative, might sound gloomy, but in reality more couples fail in this lifestyle than succeed.

 

I'm not disagreeing about the challenges, but I'll point out that there's a large discrepancy between what people do and what they daydream about doing. It's understandable that the OP's wife feels guilty about doing things she considers taboo while raising a daughter, but there's been no shortage of research into sexual fantasies.

 

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/267627883_What_Exactly_Is_an_Unusual_Sexual_Fantasy

 

There's tables in this paper of both the general occurrence of specific fantasies as well as people who identify themes as their "favorite" fantasies. 3-4% of women mention threesomes, orgies, and gangbangs, each in separate categories. (Meaning, they might all be the same 3-4%, but probably aren't.) 2% mention partner swapping, 9% mention exhibitionism, and another 14% sex with a stranger.

 

For men, twice as many mention watching their spouse have sex with another man (8%) as with a woman (3%), 5% a threesome with their spouse, and 8% group sex generally.

 

When you scroll down to Table 2, the list of all fantasies, not just favorites, you'd think everyone is secretly daydreaming about orgies all the time. 28% of women mention sex with three or more men, 30% of women and 45% of men sex with a mixed group of three or more. 75% of men mention three or more women.

 

I think men usually take the lead in encouraging their wives to overcome taboos or inhibitions and try, and I agree that it often doesn't work out, but I do think there's no shortage of women turned on by various scandalous scenarios. Even the most rigidly vanilla woman I ever knew, offended by nearly everything, admitted that she often masturbated to getting spit-roasted by two twin NFL players.

[Numex 2,459]

.. Even the most rigidly vanilla woman I ever knew, offended by nearly everything, admitted that she often masturbated to getting spit-roasted by two twin NFL players.

Good story.

 

While my wife and I weren't "rigidly vanilla," we were monogamous until I gave her the okay to fuck an ex who she said was a good sex partner. Once tried, we never talked of going back, only forward. I believe it's true that you only need to get over the initial hesitation.