Afraid the adult kids will find out

[Idahocouple6969 294]

The Mr. And are are new to this. Our adult son (30) just quit a traveling job on the east coast and moved back in with us. It has really put a kink (not the good kind) in our sex life. Open handed smacks on the ass are loud. We now feel like teenagers sneeking around.

 

We are planning an out of state club trip next month and can explain that. It's a date weekend. Daughter wanted to get involved to find us a good hotel and cheaper activities. We will just make sure phones are off so she can't stalk us. Lol she is a worrier and thinks mom and dad are innocent and naive.

 

We have chatted up someone to meet with for a MFM in the next couple of weeks. My problem is how to explain an overnight stay not far from home without them wanting to come too. Or knowing what and where we are going. They also know our financial restraints. (Not alot of privacy in our family) We socialize with our kids all the time at the same bars, vacations and concerts ECT..

[Alura 2,774]

Kids, even young ones, always find out eventually. We saw it as an opportunity to communicate with them and teach them to have compassion for those who think differently.

[Newandnaughty 3]

I think it’s awesome that you are that close with your children, not everybody can say that. However, your son is 30 and I’d assume your daughter is also an adult, why do you have to tell them where you’re going? Phone off, does your daughter track your location when you go out? If so, that’s very odd. How about “we’re going away for the night, see you guys tomorrow”. Where are you going? What are you doing? “We’re going out for the night to do mom and dad stuff, see you tomorrow.”

[padoc 1,703]

If they figure it out and ask, you can answer as you and your wife see fit. Once the kids initially moved out, they ceased to explain there whereabouts to us and for us, the same applies to the kids (who are actually grownups). They have their business, we have ours, you should too.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

How about “we’re going away for the night, see you guys tomorrow”. Where are you going? What are you doing? “We’re going out for the night to do mom and dad stuff, see you tomorrow.”

That's what we would do (and did when we still had one at home). We just say we have plans to go out for the night, go to dinner, have a few drinks, just spend some time away from the house. Offer up those generalities (which also are true), and you shouldn't get many if any questions in return. If they aren't content with that and want to know what restaurant, what bar, etc. then they are being too nosy in my opinion.

 

I also agree with Alura, be prepared for them to find out sooner or later, or at the very least, develop some strong suspicions. What they do with that information just sort of depends on the individuals involved and what the family dynamic is like. Most likely is nothing said directly, but plenty of private eye rolls and shakes of the head at the crazy notion you all are still having sexy at your advanced age If they are the type to want to talk about it, then just have thought through that one and be prepared for it and know where your limits are on that conversation.

[Alura 2,774]

Early on, Laura and I promised we would never punish them or even get angry if they asked a question, no matter what the subject and what we'd answer truthfully.

 

It had an unexpected effect: It caused us to double-think our plans more judicially.

[Billygoat 443]

This is a normal common concern many couples and singles, men and women....all go through when living an alternative Life Style. Those who are gay, bi, nudists, trans, swingers, poly, kink the list goes on and on. Any Extracurricular activity or event that is not immediately shared by family, friends or society.

 

We do understand the “need” to keep private. And sometimes the length and depth people will go through to do this. Sometimes it is rather entertaining and always, months, years later the basis of many great stories at LS gatherings. Fake names, physical disguises, travel (OMG LOL) it is only limited by each individual’s imagination. It becomes so complicated........

 

The one constant....the more you are in this lifestyle....the more experiences you have.....more events you attend....the more comfortable and relaxed you become that your guard will lower. The more complex your “story” is the harder it will be to maintain and keep straight. You will eventually have those in the lifestyle you will develop friendships with, see socially or cross paths with in your vanilla life, work life, family and friends. Our experience and what we share with newbies....KISS.

 

Keep It Stupid Simple.

 

First, you do not need to explain your activities. No different then explaining or talking about your activities in a vanilla lifestyle. Your going on a date night. Meeting friends. An evening out. Attending a party at a new friends house etc etc.

 

Do have a go to story. Ours that we share “we met at a mutual friends BBQ (party, event)”. For family and vanilla friends that have the need to ask “Who is that?” or “Where did you meet them?” Do not create the mystery or curiosity by being elusive or not being able to keep your “story” straight. Do talk about, when asked what you did last night or weekend. Just keep it general and vanilla. Easy to talk in general about regardless of either one of you have a conversation with who ever.

 

Went to a BBQ

Went to a club, music etc

Went to a new friends house.

Went on vacation to.....

 

For those few that press.....we went to a hotel so we could have some privacy. We needed a night out together. It is our time to relive our youth.

 

You get the idea here. Keep it so it makes sense with what the two of you might normally do, with a small provocative hint....to shut off the curiosity.

 

KISS

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Thank you everyone for the feedback on this. Maybe I worry too much. I could be a bit apprehensive with starting the life style change and over thinking this. I do need to. KISS!

 

My sister and her husband were in the lifestyle many moons ago. (10 15 years or so ago). With young children. They had no discretion at all. They lived in our very small town. I felt so bad for their children everyone knew even the kids. It was bad to the point her kids were being neglected. Sister was even bringing her "friends" to family diners, Christmas, Thanksgiving ECT. Near the end sister was known to be giving out blow jobs in the backroom of the local bar and finally her and her friends were not welcome in any bar. Their marriage ended and they moved away.

 

I understand this is not the"normal" swinger behavior but it sure did affect her children and mine. Not so much in the free love lifestyle but in the total lack of discretion and responsibilities of protecting the family.

 

By no means are my adult children (30 and 32) prudes. Just protective of their out going mother who in their words talks to random strangers all the time. Lol

 

Thanks I need to stop obsessing and keep it simple.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

You need to do whatever makes you two secure and happy. That includes managing information.

 

Eventually adult children tend to figure things out. What matters to children, young or old, is the security they have flowing from the integrity of their parents' relationship. In a word, they sense the love their parents have for each other. Whether your kids are 3 or 30, you are their strongest role models one generation ahead. It is not, repeat not, the lifestyle or the knowledge that mom and dad swing that will affect them. What will affect them is how they see that in the context of your relationship with each other.

 

They know that adults have sex. They have sex. Like all kids, they have difficulty processing the idea of their parents having sex (except that one time, of course, that brought them into existence) unless conversations about sex and sexuality have been part of their growing up. And that is fairly rare.

 

FWIW our adult daughter knows that our cruises are lifestyle cruises. (We hew to the "what happened on the boat stays on the boat" rule.) She knows that some of our friends are special friends, she knows that we are naked in the hot tub with them when they come to visit. And so on. While she has zero interest in the LS, she is strongly reassured that mom and dad are still in love and very happy. Indeed, she will remark "would you guys get a room!" when we hug and kiss in front of her. We point out that we own our home, we all laugh and move on with the conversation.

 

Bottom line, you have to decide how to manage the information, and for whom you are trying to control the information.

[udsarge 119]

Just tell him that you 2 need some alone time. At 30, he's got to understand that. He doesn't need to know there's going to be another man involved.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm not sure how one "manages" information. Truth remains truth, no matter how it may be "controlled."

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

I'm not sure how one "manages" information. Truth remains truth, no matter how it may be "controlled."

 

True, but then there is the issue of who has access to the information and how it is used. Some things cannot be unseen, unheard and so on.

[dazanconfsd 84]

Wife and adult daughter are very close, they have always talked about almost everything. Daughter told wife she played with her best friend and her BF. Wife told her we had done the same and more. Nothing shocking, nothing graphic, just parenting where it was asked for and advice wife thought she needed.(mainly telling her she has to want it herself, don't let ANYONE pressure you) Every parent child relationship is different and every person has their way of dealing. If you wish them to not know, I agree, just tell them we want "us time" and leave it at that, or whatever your normal approximation would be. The open hand smacks on the other hand, treat it like we do our 17 year old, tell him to put his headphones on, and if he doesn't, he will immediately after lol. Best of luck!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Trust me on this: the only person who wants to know LESS about your sex life is your kids. Even if they find something out, they won't want to know anything about it.

[older couple 132]

We agree with GoldCoCouple. Kids don't want to know. But in our case we have four boys. The two oldest is ours but the two youngest are racial mixed fraternal twins, an accident from swinging. Our boys were 11 and 9 when they were born. They wanted to know why their new brothers were black. They knew the facts of life. The oldest bluntly asked his mom if she F__ked a black man. She said yes. He asked why and she said she wanted to. He asked if we were going to get a divorce. We both answered hell no at the same time and told them we were not. They both smiled and sighed relief, hi-fives, looked up at the ceiling and said thank God. That was the end of that. Everyone assumed they were adopted. Our boys never asked anymore questions. My oldest is 46. I asked him about two years ago if he knows we are swingers. He laughed and said yes. His two black brothers were a big big clue. He said his brother and him just didn't want to know any more than that. We didn't want you two to divorce like a lot of our friends parents. We loved you so. Always be truthful to your kids no matter how embarrassing or hurtful the truth is. They may not like it, but they will respect you for it.

[mexicolovers 24]

Personal choice on this issue. No my kids will never know. Little shits are to judgemental (especially as they became adults). It’s non of their business.

 

They don’t tell us about the private aspects of their lives and I don’t share mine/ours either. As for they’ll figure it out eventually maybe or maybe not. Not everything has to be shared with your kids. You don’t have to explain it, talk about it, or justify it to them it’s something outside of their business.

 

For some people, it’s a freeing experience but for us we’re staying away from sharing that aspect of our lives.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

There are three separate ideas surfacing in the thread regarding non-monogamy and what kids know. It might be useful to separate them.

 

1. Not all couples who are married remain monogamous. There are two kinds of non-monogamy, consensual (swinging) and non-consensual (swinging). This statement is a fact of life. Kids need to learn this, if only to understand that "and the prince and princess lived happily ever after" is a rare-if-ever event. It is the same as shattering the tooth fairy and Santa Claus myths. At some point, parents have to acknowledge this as fact, if only to tell the kids that they are still in love with one another.

 

2. What parents disclose to kids about their own non-monogamy. If there has been a separation or a divorce, it's pretty obvious: my parents are fucking people other than each other. Legality ("oh, we married the new partner") is not the issue--it is that the parental bond has been broken. The confusion on the kids' part is not about legality. It is the idea that love and sex are no longer neatly aligned in the manner of the prince and princess (now king and queen) and _their_ princes and princesses. We have said this before, we will say it again--what matters is love not sex. If the parents are still a couple, show that love for each other. If the parents have split, the child/ren need to see/feel/know that they are loved. We speak from our experiences as children of divorced parents, sadly.

 

3. That the parents continue to play outside of the marriage and enjoy it. That's a really awkward statement and a really awkward reality. Not every family unit is going to be comfortable sharing that information. It doesn't change the truth. It just avoids confronting it. It is one thing to _suspect_ that one's parents swing. It is another thing to be confronted by that fact.

 

It's worth asking yourself: would rather know that your mom/dad was a (serial) cheater? Or a swinger?

[padoc 1,703]

To that last question…..swinger, definitely!!!!! Cheating causes pain to flow down hill from the person cheated on to the kids and friends and down through extended family. There might be a "yuk" factor for dependent children or even adult children discovering that their parents are swingers but a little "yuk" is a much better outcome than the anger, recriminations and the choosing of sides that happens in a cheating situation.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

To that last question…..swinger, definitely!!!!! Cheating causes pain to flow down hill from the person cheated on to the kids and friends and down through extended family. There might be a "yuk" factor for dependent children or even adult children discovering that their parents are swingers but a little "yuk" is a much better outcome than the anger, recriminations and the choosing of sides that happens in a cheating situation.

 

Brilliant and succinct. Alas my mom and her second husband (she was his fourth wife) were both serial cheaters. They are both deceased, and I will not speak ill of the dead.