Are swinger couples more connected with with each other vs. vanilla couples?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

There are many news articles illustrating contemporary trends towards isolation. Families stare at screens rather than interact with each other. Japan reporting progressive declines in birthrate. Many nations, including the USA, producing data suggesting that intimacy is declining. We can go on with additional examples.

 

When we think about lifestyle couples we know and vanilla couples that we know, even in vanilla social settings the LS couples seem to watch out for each other, interact with each other, smile at each other, say nice things about each other etc. compared with the vanilla folks in our lives.

 

Have others made similar observations? We know the truism about communication being essential to success in the LS. We are wondering about the reciprocal: by choosing to engage in the LS, does that provide some level of immunity to isolation and its adverse effects over time?

 

Curious to hear how others view the effects of the LS on their own relationships and on the way they relate to others in vanilla life.

[adamgunn 1,460]

I don't believe that Vanilla couples aren't connected. Many of them have strong relationships. Go into any church on a Sunday morning (or Temple on Saturday) and you'll see so many loving happy people. Of course I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of couples with problems.

 

Perhaps *as a percentage* LifeStyle couples are more solid, but as a net number, there's plenty of vanillas whose marriage is tremendous.

[ViSexual 1,008]

We've been married for almost 48 years now. Two different times I our marriage we were involved in swinging for about 3 years each time.

 

During the 40 or so years we were vanilla, we did discuss vanilla things but were always sort of careful about sexual topics. During the six or so years we were playing, we had much more open and honest discussions.

 

I strongly feel that a couple who plays together has a much better relationship with each other.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

I don't believe that Vanilla couples aren't connected. Many of them have strong relationships. Go into any church on a Sunday morning (or Temple on Saturday) and you'll see so many loving happy people. Of course I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of couples with problems.

 

Perhaps *as a percentage* LifeStyle couples are more solid, but as a net number, there's plenty of vanillas whose marriage is tremendous.

 

Point taken. The world has vastly more vanilla folks than LS people. Many vanilla couples have durable and intimate relationships. We are lucky to count some among good friends.

 

As for houses of worship, we know several LS couples who are devoted to their faiths, attend worship services frequently and so on. Thus we would not estimate any vanilla gathering with a particular representation of vanilla or LS couples.

 

The original post was a (perhaps clumsy) attempt to explore a different idea, namely that modern life has so glued (many of) us to screens of various sizes and isolated (many of) us from community. We see this in so many young people, often having underdeveloped social skills and retreat to the anonymity of the internet. That is emphatically not an "attack on millenials" but rather a concern for their future marriages and growth as couples.

 

Part of the calculus of the LS is that couples have to invest in wide open communication and a willingness to work through sometime unpleasant feelings such as envy, jealousy and so on. The conventional wisdom is that the reward for the investment is play. What we were getting at is whether the relationship work that is prerequisite to swinging might have substantial benefits beyond playtime. There are already abundant --and still more accumulating-- data that isolation and loneliness predispose to premature death and other illnesses. We wonder whether the social skills of "dating" in later life, the negotiations that couples go through, the intensities of those experiences make a difference in their happiness --as individuals and as a couple.

[adamgunn 1,460]

I take your point, Fundamental, and that of the OP as well. I don't really disagree. Where I have a difference is that we all have a stinted view of life depending on where we are, what we do. A middle aged LifeStyle couple in a cosmopolitan city will have such a different view from a couple just starting out in a rural area, will have a much varied attitude from an old couple living in a Florida retirement community. I don't think it helps to generalize.

 

For example (and I'm not being disrespectful) you said, "We see this in so many young people, often having underdeveloped social skills and retreat to the anonymity of the internet." I'm sure you see that in the young people you come in contact with.

 

I, on the other hand, am in a program at my local University where I audit classes. The 'kids' I see there are so involved, are intelligent and hard working. I see many friendships of value that may last throughout their lives.

 

Which of us are seeing the 'wrong' picture? Neither, I think.

 

Peace!

[Newandnaughty 3]

That is emphatically not an "attack on millenials" but rather a concern for their future marriages and growth as couple.

 

I think this is more of an attack on the parents of the millennials, and rightfully so. We didn’t get into the lifestyle until both of our kids were in college. Our job was to raise them in the tech age and teach them how to be social. Did we love driving to practices and games 5 days a week? Nope, but that’s how we helped our children develop social skills. Don’t blame the kids because the parents were “too busy” to get involved.

[couplers 4,645]

The women in our family have become more emotionally and sexually connected to one another, especially after having children. We still love our men as much as ever, but our female connections have surpassed that.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

In my opinion, people who share positive intimate experiences form a special bond.

[padoc 1,703]

I don't know if swinger couples are more connected than vanilla but we DO know that we connect waaaaaay better and differently with our swinger friends than we do with vanilla friends. I think that there is a level of intimacy beyond the obvious physical that we don't reach with vanillas. We've had occasions when we've had invitations for the same night from vanilla and from swinger friends. Sex aside, the swinger friends win out every time (unless Mrs Docs VERY vanilla sister and b/f are in town). Swingers are just more fun in social settings!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

We've had occasions when we've had invitations for the same night from vanilla and from swinger friends. Sex aside, the swinger friends win out every time .... Swingers are just more fun in social settings!

 

This ^^^^ !

[lcmim 1,082]

I must say that I agree.

One thing that I am waiting to discover is what it is like with LS friends that have stepped out.

We have a couple that is currently doing so and I would hate to give up some long standing camaraderie.

All of the no go areas that pollute vanilla relationships are long past. It will be interesting to see how it plays out when the sex is truly "aside"