Observations on the polyamory lifestyle

[Billygoat 443]

I would like to put something out there. And I am in no way the expert with all the answers.

 

quick bio; married, 41 years, we both are very happy. Some early married life experimentation with poly, 3somes and FWB....but was too complicated...time consuming. Twenty years later....again more experimentation....exploring. Swinging, FWB, multiple playmates, poly foursomes, triad (MFM) 3 almost four years, poly girlfriends (me) and boyfriends (her). Current growing triad (FMF), several poly based friendships (more than FWB). To label us ....ethical poly/swing lifestyle. Trying to keep it simple.

 

years of experience and open discussion and some council to others we have made some observations of the general poly lifestyle.

 

The rush to relationship

the rush to label/qualify a relationship

The rush to commitment/moving in

The lack of self love/acceptance and being happy in/with one’s self

The need to have or be in a relationship to define or make one happy.

the lack of giving time and energy to nurture and grow a well balanced relationship.

taking a growing or long term relationship for granted and not investing the effort to maintain/grow/Refresh the relationship.....withering on the vine.

 

Poly relationships are not based on sex....or definitions....but the relationship of those involved. Like mono relationship a growing experiment between two people now becomes more complex:

 

Mono: #1=self, #2-self, #1+#2, #1 to #2 and #2 to #1

 

complex enough....the challenge of poly:

 

for three: #1=self, #2=self, #3=self, #1+#2+#3, #1 to #2, #1 to #3, #2 to #1, #2 to #3, #3 to #1, #3 to #2

 

the above does not take into all variations needed to provide time, emotional support, emotional growth etc needed to establish, grow, nurture a relationship let alone the sharing (all variations and levels) required for a healthy relationship.

 

how then can one determine this relationship based on a single date. A single month? A year of time?

 

Additional concerns....shopping for a mate.....what happened with explore, meet, experience....grow together.....time and self investment. Many people we have met would be better in the swing lifestyle.

 

All are different but many seem to all share the same concerns and relationship issues.

 

My apologies if this is too long.

[lcmim 1,078]

I would like to put something out there. And I am in no way the expert with all the answers.

 

quick bio; married, 41 years, we both are very happy. Some early married life experimentation with poly, 3somes and FWB....but was to complicated...time consuming. Twenty years later....again more experimentation....exploring. Swinging, FWB, multiple playmates, poly foursomes, triad (MFM) 3 almost four years, poly girlfriends (me) and boyfriends (her). Current growing triad (FMF), several poly based friendships (more than FWB). To label us ....ethical poly/swing lifestyle. Trying to keep it simple.

 

years of experience and open discussion and some council to others we have made some observations of the general poly lifestyle.

 

The rush to relationship

the rush to label/qualify a relationship

The rush to commitment/moving in

The lack of self love/acceptance and being happy in/with one’s self

The need to have or be in a relationship to define or make one happy.

the lack of giving time and energy to nurture and grow a well balanced relationship.

taking a growing or long term relationship for granted and not investing the effort to maintain/grow/Refresh the relationship.....withering on the vine.

 

Poly relationships are not based on sex....or definitions....but the relationship of those involved. Like mono relationship a growing experiment between two people now becomes more complex:

 

Mono: #1=self, #2-self, #1+#2, #1 to #2 and #2 to #1

 

complex enough....the challenge of poly:

 

for three: #1=self, #2=self, #3=self, #1+#2+#3, #1 to #2, #1 to #3, #2 to #1, #2 to #3, #3 to #1, #3 to #2

 

the above does not take into all variations needed to provide time, emotional support, emotional growth etc needed to establish, grow, nurture a relationship let alone the sharing (all variations and levels) required for a healthy relationship.

 

how then can one determine this relationship based on a single date. A single month? A year of time?

 

Additional concerns....shopping for a mate.....what happened with explore, meet, experience....grow together.....time and self investment. Many people we have met would be better in the swing lifestyle.

 

all are different but many seem to all share the same concerns and relationship issues.

 

my apologies if this is too long.

 

 

I couldn't help but think that MOST of that applies to just a regular vanilla mono-marriage as well.

 

Mike

[Billygoat 443]

Yes. It certainly does. That is my point that it follows the same...or should be the same....just multiplied out by number of participants.

[a_d_xxx 663]

I've not met anyone in my polyam community who would argue with you that maintaining multiple relationships is more complex, requiring substantially more communication and logistical work as you add folks to your constellation.

 

Because of the mathematical complexity involved, I've seen lots of "V" structures where there may be a stronger arm of the V between two people than the other and that is accepted and valued - the understanding being that not all relationships need to be the same, have the same goals, or the same intensity, to be valid and worthwhile.

 

In addition, I think a key differentiator for those who practice polyamory (in my experience anyway) is the understanding that:

 

1. Relationships are transient in their very nature.
   
2. The needs of the people involved are more important than the relationship itself.
   

People grow on different trajectories and the things that brought them together initially may no longer be in sync. So impermanence is accepted as a valid and understandable part of the relationship dynamic. That doesn't mean that people who pursue polyamory treat relationships frivolously - well not all of them anyway, there are selfish dicks in all walks of life - rather the majority of the folks I've met are very conscientious about the nurturing of their relationships, but they do accept that all relationships are going to end (or more accurately transition to something different) at some point.

 

D

[couplers 4,577]

.. I think a key differentiator for those who practice polyamory (in my experience anyway) is the understanding that:

 

1. Relationships are transient in their very nature.
   
2. The needs of the people involved are more important than the relationship itself.
   

People grow on different trajectories and the things that brought them together initially may no longer be in sync. So impermanence is accepted as a valid and understandable part of the relationship dynamic. .

Our experience with our poly family has been the contrary. All five of us, three women and two men, are fully perhaps obsessively committed to what we have built and are always looking to strengthen our ties. Our children are a big part of it.

[lcmim 1,078]

Our experience with our poly family has been the contrary. All five of us, three women and two men, are fully perhaps obsessively committed to what we have built and are always looking to strengthen our ties. Our children are a big part of it.

 

If there is a term more loosely defined than "soft swing" it is Polyamory.

 

I recognize what you have couplers when I think of it, yet when I signed on to two different Poly lists,just to check out the culture, what I found was what I would call just hooking up. There were no rules, commitment, or intent that there ever should be any. Yet these folk all claimed "Poly" as their banner. Seemed to me that tere was a problem differentiating between Love and Lust.

 

Your situation seems more "hive marriage" and theirs more "frat party".

[Billygoat 443]

If there is a term more loosely defined than "soft swing" it is Polyamory.

 

I recognize what you have couplers when I think of it, yet when I signed on to two different Poly lists,just to check out the culture, what I found was what I would call just hooking up. There were no rules, commitment, or intent that there ever should be any. Yet these folk all claimed "Poly" as their banner. Seemed to me that tere was a problem differentiating between Love and Lust.

 

Your situation seems more "hive marriage" and theirs more "frat party".

 

 

Yes. As with the term Swinging or lifestyle there is a huge broad umbrella covering many possible activities.

 

Poly generally covers multiple loves.......which also trickles down to multiple dating....to multiple hook ups and more. There are those that believe that swingers are horrible people but regular hook ups under the term of poly is....well.....better.

 

There are many of us that actually have a relationship....not just sex hookups. Some long term. Some time it is a matured relationship from swinging that has taken the next step.