Guidance sought - speed up our process

[tj680 28]

Background:

My wife and I got started roughly 3.5 yrs ago with our first exp. Our first exp more or less found us vs us going out looking for it. Our friends introduced us to the lifestyle and they helped convince my wife to give it a try and led to our first full swap. It took me another yr to convince her to meet with local cpls. And another yr after that before our first srsp date. 6 months later we had our first full swap (the same couple we met for srsp). We have since had a 3sum with each wife (MFM). So in the 3.5 yrs we been with 2 cpls (2nd cpl :- a srsp, a full swap, and a three-sum with each wife(mfm)).

 

Currently, our process involves finding a potentially compatible couple thru one of the websites (SLS, ....). And meeting them for drinks or dinner, we don’t play on first dates. We try to get to know them a bit. I am fine with most of this but I don’t think too many couples have the time or the inclination for this.

 

Question:

How do I encourage my wife to speed up our process? looking for suggestions.

[NC_Seniors 518]

srsp ... ???

[tj680 28]

Same room same partner (no swap)

[NC_Seniors 518]

Figured out the first half. Guessed at the second half ... nailed it!

[padoc 1,703]

Thank you NC, I was scratching my head on that one too!

 

OP…The answer is patience and getting to the point that your wife accepts that swinging sex is purely recreational. People getting into this hobby first have to disregard lifetimes of conditioning regarding public (and private) morality, acceptable social behavior, traditional sexual relationships and the 'normal' parameters of marriage in our society. Its a tougher climb for some than others. It took us awhile to conclude that we don't NEED to be friends with people with whom we get naked. We merely have to like them and be sexually attracted to them. Developing a friendship is a much longer process than being aroused by a potential new partner. We DO have swinger friends but have found that the friendships have developed over time that initially started with fun sex that we wanted to repeat……and repeat more!

 

For a long time, we had a "not on the first date" rule as well and found that with the pressures of life, jobs, families, etc, etc, even if we were VERY attracted to a couple and felt a mutual buzz, finding more time to nurture the social aspects was a challenge for both couples. Plus, it IS a target rich environment once you get onto sites and we're an instant gratification society so people often move on or simply lose interest. So, we dumped that rule and substituted a 20/20 rule; we tend to recognize within 20 seconds to 20 minutes whether we'll ever want to get naked with the other couple. If it's a yes and the stars have aligned, we now will play on the first date. But that also means that you have to work at refining your selection process and I think that's a matter experience and practice. We've found in recent years that we kiss way fewer frogs now than we did in our early years of swinging. You haven't done badly at all in 3 years when you consider the learning curve involved for both of you.

[Jane1902 476]

A common phrase here is “as fast as the slowest partner.” Is she looking at profiles too? Have you tried meet and greets in your area? I hear it’s not easy to find a foursome that clicks and if you try to rush or push her it could backfire and lead to resentment. I have also read about plenty of unpleasant experiences, you don’t want your next letter about that and how do you get her to try swinging again.

[tj680 28]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Not sure that she is ready to drop the no play on first date, in fact I am not sure that I want to drop that rule. But i do want us to be able and willing to move a bit faster.

[tj680 28]

Jane, i have adhered to this very motto, and while I am not looking to completely do away with the no play on first dates, I am looking to be a little more adventurous and open minded.

[Guest]

The no play on first dates is a problem. In accepting the lifestyle and recognizing that it takes some work to find other couples, we don't place traditional dating rules upon ourselves. One of the ways we have removed timelines and trying to engineer everything, is to add an element of the unknown and sexual tension to the fun. We have a fantasy jar. It's basically a cookie jar. We have blue and pink note pads and sometimes we sit down together and write down fantasies or sexual scenarios and place them in the jar and about once a month we dip into it and pull out the opposite color note and without telling what it is we try and make it happen for each other. It's a surprise. And, it was so exciting and erotic, we didn't trust each other not to peek, so my husband bought a storage bin to put it in and there are two locks on it! We each have a key to one of the locks. Ya, I would definitely take a peek if I could. So, the addition of unknown and the surprise, makes things more spontaneous and it is a great way to communicate dirty desires and secrets.

[Guest]

One of the key ingredients to getting any place faster is to know where you are going. Do you know that your wife wants to swing? Do you know that she wants to begin with other couples? Or, are these just things that are kind of happening to you two? In hindsight, we were somewhat lucky because the two of us were approached by an experienced couple about swinging before we had every thought about it, and they were quite specific about what they wanted, she was bi and he wasn’t. We said no to their invite but talked about it a lot and at a point, agreed that if we were going to try it, MFM would be the best starting point given on respective feelings and concern. Once that decision was made, we were both somewhat eager to give it a try. After a few, each with a different guy, we were ready to then try swaps, and then on and on.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

And meeting them for drinks or dinner, we don’t play on first dates. We try to get to know them a bit. I am fine with most of this but I don’t think too many couples have the time or the inclination for this.

 

This is not a problem for us. We are looking for friends first, then benefits. However, waiting a year for her to take off her clothes is probably not going to happen. Not saying that she has to be ready to jump into a full swap on the second date...there are couples that we 'dated' for quite some time and we never got to a full swap, but things need to seem like they are progressing or we will think that you are just not interested. While we strongly believe in not moving faster than the slowest member is comfortable with, no (or almost no) movement indicates a lack of interest. If this isn't fun for everyone involved, then maybe this isn't for her. The person to be asking is her...does she want to do this? What are her reasons for hesitation? Find out more of what is going on in her head. Hey, you're from CA too...just swing by the house and we can all talk

[tj680 28]

Fullswapclt, chiccouplexx and goldcocpl; thank you all for your response!

 

So the “no play on first date” doesn’t bother me at all, I think that it helps filter people. Slowing things down was initially our way of ensuring the other cpls were safe and disease free. We know that a lot of couples in the lifestyle don’t test let alone share test results. So the best alternative was to get to know them a little, understand their play profile and practices and see if they are being careful and playing safe. We have been talking about this fairly regularly and she has come a long way (she comes from a very conservative family and upbringing). I guess I was hoping there was a way to bring out her adventurousness out.

 

BTW Goldcocpl - we don’t take 6 months to get naked ?!!