First time, lots of awesome, some not so awesome and wondering how to proceed

[harryandmaria 20]

So had our first experience... a lot of great, a little not so great and a whole lot of now what. And of course this isn't something that I can just bring up at the water cooler (more on that later).

 

My wife and I have been together 20+ years and the last year has been a dramatic positive shift in our openness and adventure sexually. Really really good and came out of some midlife hurdles in our relationship. We went to and loved being at a clothing-optional resort twice near home and talked about going to more adventurous places in warmer climes. Life has been really good overall.

We were on an out of town getaway and she was down with my suggestion of a club. We went with the plan to just watch and get into it with each other and to scope it out... well so much for that... it turned into soft swap with a couple we had a lot in common with and hit it off with.

The good:

No jealousy. I mean so crazy to think of me watching her go to town sucking off another guy or her hearing my name moaned out by another woman from the other side of the room while I'm face deep into oral with. But proud of her and us, impressed, happy... you guys know the deal. Compersion was totally how we felt.

 

No guilt. Despite our religion and past guilt and shame, nothing about what we did feels immoral or wrong, especially after talking about it. The fact that God made us sexual beings is a post for another time, but this is also a good sign.

 

Some really hot experiences. Watching my wife make out with another attractive woman and go down on her. Wow. That was insane. Me getting that other woman off, also a blast.

 

Feel so close to my wife- just effusively into her, thankful, attracted to aroused. All the feels.

*

Not so great:

My wife wasn't very attracted to the guy we played with. I was trying to take in cues but she was the one who suggested we all go to the play room. She certainly didn't show that she wasn't into him. Certainly learned some phrases and tactics for next time to not push forward with a couple we're not all on board with.

 

I had some performance based anxiety, losing my erection probably 90 minutes into playing (time flew!) and didn't come... like here's the hottest thing ever and I lost it? WTF. Almost never have problems at home. And certainly its 1AM, some booze, I can understand the causes. I felt overwhelmed with all that was going on.

 

Still trying to make sense of:

Back at the hotel I was overwhelmed with emotion. Really had a hard time processing and understanding it at first. Kept telling my wife how proud I was, how thankful I was, how much I loved her. Sure I was tired but even the next morning I was really emotional, in a good way. But didn't expect that. This is supposed to be less emotional, right? just sex?

 

Was also thinking about my play partner. Those images are super hot and remain. Totally get the no contact thing with these experiences afterward, but the brain was flooded in the day or two after. Yeah a few visits to the FB page to see that yes she was and is hot. But that's passed. Certainly have turned the page there

 

Even though it's only a few days removed, I'm still basking in the glow of the experience. Not that this is going to change every weekend, but of course, "now what?"

 

Our plan is that a club can be part one of our next getaways and we want to do a trip to a lifestyle friendly resort in the spring. But that's probably 6 months away. I know the advice is not to push things, but that seems like a long time to wait. She doesn't want to consider us as swingers or jumping in head first to this.

 

And I don't want to push too much. I would really like her to have an experience with a guy she's into vs. a string of experiences that turn her off from things. Her fears are "running into a play partner in the grocery store" or me "really wanting to do this and her not having interest." And the major complication to anything local...

 

I have a co-worker who is in the lifestyle. I work for a relatively small company. One of my colleagues is a long time friend from church (who is super against what my swinging colleague does)... and that other colleague in the lifestyle is very open about everything.* To a TMI fault that I used to worry he was an HR issue when he mentioned details from his wild weekend in the office. (this has improved)

 

I would love to try a website or a meet and greet or a closer to home club with my wife but have a fear of crossing paths with my colleague in the lifestyle. And seeing that we may have come upon an amazing breakthrough in our relationship I don't want to botch it from here and turn off my wife from more adventures. Nevermind we have plenty on our plates with commitments of work, kids, etc.

Have been reading a bunch of the posts here and some of the other good advice sites. There were lots of articles about "your first trip to a swingers club" but it's the 2nd or 3rd trip that seem a little more confusing. Maybe I'm answering my own question by suggesting waiting for trips and taking it slow is the way to go. But also trying to understand how normal my experience was and the best way to maneuver to what's next.

 

Thank you for reading. After something so amazing, I'm just really hoping the two of us don't fuck up how we take it from here, whether we go deeper or not.

[ViSexual 1,008]

About the only, almost safe, way to insure you don't run into the coworker is to avoid clubs, meet and greets, and other group things. Just find other folks through sites like SLS and stay with private meetings.

 

But do keep in mind that, even then, there's always the chance someone will mention you to someone who mentions what they heard to someone else. It could get back to the person.

[lcmim 1,081]

About the only, almost safe, way to insure you don't run into the coworker is to avoid clubs, meet and greets, and other group things. Just find other folks through sites like SLS and stay with private meetings.

 

But do keep in mind that, even then, there's always the chance someone will mention you to someone who mentions what they heard to someone else. It could get back to the person.

 

That is one reason we keep it to first name only,with the barest of bios, until we know people well enough that we can be comfortable about their discretion.

[Numex 2,409]

...watching her go to town sucking off another guy ... Watching my wife make out with another attractive woman and go down on her. ..

.. I would really like her to have an experience with a guy she's into ...

You're really into what you were doing, and your wife appears to be eager, including girl play. My advice would be to let her now take the lead while you facilitate. Let her choose your next play sessions and choose the couple. Or maybe she would like to have an MFM with you and a guy of her choosing. Or an FFM. Or if you are daring, she can play alone with a guy, woman or couple.

 

In my experience, nothing helps a couple go down the swinging path faster than letting the woman take the lead and do whatever it is that gets her excited while keeping her comfortable.

[harryandmaria 20]

Really helpful advice. Thank you.

 

Quick follow up question. If my coworker is on SLS or another site and we join could be find us through profile pics? Assuming we could join and look for them first...

[lcmim 1,081]

Even if you looked beforehand that does not stop this person from joining afterwards. You are also not going to search through the thousands and thousands of pictures there to make sure this person is not there. I can guarantee you that their profile will not be under their given names. My advice would be to use a login name and to keep your pictures in a closed set of

galleries so that you can regulate who gets to see them. That is not the most effective sales method, that being a really sexy face pic. It will however serve your needs better.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

The good was great, the bad is something that you both have now experienced and will hopefully learn from. As for her not being into the guy, it's hard to take cues from her when she doesn't seem to be sending any. Let her know that there will be no 'taking one for the team' in the future. If either of you are not into the other couple, then find another couple. This is the hardest part of swinging: finding a four way fit. It takes time and effort, but when you find them, it is amazing and worth all of it!

 

Performance anxiety: Very common and nobody will think less of you because of it. Just remember, you always have a tongue...and there is a pill for this problem. If you just dwell on this one thing, it will only make the problem worse. What happens is at some point your brain quits believing what your eyes are seeing (it can't be real so it isn't). Trust me, as far as everyone else is concerned it's no big deal. If it keeps being a problem, take a pill for it. Nobody will judge you.

 

Overwhelmed with emotion: Another common reaction. You have just moved into the 'advance' class of your relationship...on to a whole new level that the vast majority never achieve. It's not the sex that's causing this, it is the love you are feeling towards your partner for being able to experience this together...you are closer than you have ever been. Just don't forget this feeling.

 

Now what: Talk with her as see what she wants to do next. If you haven't already done so, tell her everything you posted here (or bring her here to read it herself) and decide what's next together (if anything). Running across a play partner in the real world is just like running across a friend...not a big deal. Say hi if you want and keep shopping.

 

Co-worker: Three options here. Option 1: Take the chance that you may run across him and just hope that he will come to you first before saying anything to anyone. Option 2: Talk with him first and ask him to keep things quiet as you want to maintain your privacy. Option 3: Play out of town and on trips only. Keeping in mind that MOST swingers value their privacy very highly and would never think about compromising someone else in the L/S. Only you know him and can possibly get an idea as to what he will do. Of course there is always option 4: If he says anything, he will quietly disappear and never be seen again. Do you have access to a backhoe? (j/k)

 

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do and where you go from here!

[harryandmaria 20]

Really helpful stuff. On the coworker, it’s funny because my wife has suggested on a couple occasions that I talk to him to pick his brain on his experiences. He’s a good guy and I think if I was very clear how important my privacy was he would totally honor it. His bragging in the office was to two people he's worked with for decades... like the teenage boy who just got laid. He just couldn’t help it BUT he’s kept it under wraps for the past few months .

 

I mean at this point our current plan is only to play on trips so it’s really if we decide we want more frequent experiences and as well stated earlier, I’m letting my wife take the lead there.

 

Last night I asked her if she was cool with the fact that I’ve been the one doing the research and making the suggestions of sexy things to do and she was totally appreciative of it. “Hey what do you think about going to a nudist resort?” “What do you think about going to a sex club on our trip?” She’s been totally down for all suggestions. A few months ago we had some really good discussions about the potential future boundaries of our relationship and I just took the lead on finding activities in those areas. The app kindu was also a help. Ultimately I’ll always look for her direction first on any decision.

 

Even after we discovered how much we loved nudism, and after this experience, we both discussed how it was important to balance our couples activities between “normal” dates and activities and the more crazy ones. Dinner and a movie with my love is still fun.

 

I’ve been really struck reading through so much here how much love and care that everyone exhibits when talking about their spouses or partners. I mean I cringe in real life circumstances where people make jokes about “the wife” or their hopeless lot as a suburban husband or wife

 

Exploring as a loving couple putting their needs first would seem to be just a best practice. I wish that our first two decades had such openness, honesty and desire but I’m grateful that going forward we found this direction of our journey.

 

Kudos to all of you sharing the love... and the lust.

[fwblondon 19]

Thanks for sharing! I can relate with the performance issues. I never have that issue and have had it many times during swapping. For me it has gotten a lot better as time has gone on and the more experiences we have had.

 

It took a little while getting used to condoms again too. It is definitely an emotional journey with highs and lows but 5 years in the lifestyle has enhanced our marriage and brought us closer than we have ever been!

[Guest]

If your wife wasn’t really overly attracted to the person but still enjoyed the sex and ensure that he enjoyed the sex, that’s really what it’s all about. She isn’t looking for a boyfriend, and you shouldn’t be looking for one for her either. Frequently those first encounters are just one night stands or two-ups, unlikely people who will become your close friends or even f-buddies. Performance issues, also very common for first timers and end 2nd and 3rd times. We tend to stay away from them, in part, for that reason. The great thing is you two both wanted to do it, did, and want to try more. Welcome aboard.