Someone more perfect than your spouse

[Ems1485 37]

I've been married for 11 years now together for 14 years, have two children together 10 and 4, been in an open relationship since before we were married, both of us have had lots of sexual partners in the past. I'm 35 he's 43, and this other man is 27 - a bit young for me as I've always been attracted to older men.

 

Six months ago I met a man from Tinder. I told him from day one I was married but open, we both agreed all we wanted was sex.

 

Well, he's turned out to be the perfect man, seriously he has no flaws whatsoever. Even the first night we met we were only having a drink in the bar for maybe 10 minutes before we decided to go back to a hotel where we stayed from 7pm till 3:30am the next Friday morning, I wanted to stay all night with him but I had to get home for a little rest before I had to take my daughter to school. Honestly the sex was just crazy that night. Since I've met him I've literally not slept with anyone else other than him and my husband. For the last four months I've been staying at his apartment 1-2 nights a week, and most Sundays he comes to my house usually when my husband takes our daughters to visit his parents for a few hours.

 

Then last month when we were in bed he confessed he loves me (among other things), as in he was genuinely honest in how he said it, it was from the heart. Of course I told him we can't be together like that. A few days later I was talking with hubby about him, I enquired how would hubby feel about being in one of these poly type relationships (both of them are straight) so I'd effectively have an official boyfriend and a husband. He didn't really mind the idea, we had a little laugh about it when he (jokingly) asked me if I want to marry him as well so I'd have two husbands. But the problem would be our families and friends who think we're a monogamous couple, they know nothing what we get up to with swinging and such. So it couldn't work out.

 

I feel deep down I do truly love this "boyfriend" as he really is so wonderful and amazing there's nothing I'd change about him. A part of me has been saying to stop seeing him, but I just can't, as I won't leave my husband I can't see any harm in continuing seeing him. I've spoke with my husband about all this and he basically seems to have a cool head about it all.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? We've both had partners who have been proper amazing lovers in the past, but me and this "boyfriend" just can't get enough of each other, he's not interested in other girls, he's shown me his phone he has no dating apps and such on it anymore.

[couplers 4,656]

... Has anyone else been in a similar situation? .

Our poly family started with me having a boyfriend, then marrying a guy who was fine with it. We have since added two other women. Here's my perspective:

 

... Well, he's turned out to be the perfect man, seriously he has no flaws whatsoever. ... Since I've met him I've literally not slept with anyone else other than him and my husband..

 

I feel deep down I do truly love this "boyfriend" as he really is so wonderful and amazing there's nothing I'd change about him. .

New relationships burn bright, hot and relatively quick. If you thinks he is perfect, you don't know him yet. If your husband thinks he's fine, he doesn't know him yet. You first need to move past the "I love him because" stage to the "I love him despite" stage.

 

 

... Of course I told him we can't be together like that. . But the problem would be our families and friends who think we're a monogamous couple, they know nothing what we get up to with swinging and such. So it couldn't work out..

If ultimately your relationship with both men works out (and theirs with each other) there's no reason you can't be together like that. But you need to talk out the expectations. All three of you going to live in one household? And the big one, if you new boyfriend wants you to have his baby is everyone good with that?

 

You can't live your life worrying about friends and family. Don't flaunt it, but don't run from it either. I lost my father over being a "whore," but I couldn't have him running my life.

[kittyswinger 260]

This is exactly like my situation. Until now, I stay 1 or 2 nights a week in bf's house plus a few hours during the week. I feel I'm more bonded with bf sexually than partner. Couplers is right. There is no perfect person in this world. We love the qualities that are different in both men. We love them despite....!

 

It can still work out in spite of your families being wired to monogamy. There is a need for hard work though. Like, always planning for discreetness, and managing your time effectively between the 2 worlds.

 

But unlike Couplers, I'm still in the beginning stages of the journey and am not sure if I can keep everything inside the closet. I'm lucky that partner and bf lives in separate but nearby cities. Bf' family and friends know me there, as well as partner's. It is like living in 2 realities. Eventually, if bf will be raising a child with me, things might change, like, living arrangements, "outness", etc. You should consider these things too.

[Ems1485 37]

Thanks for your incite and thoughts x

 

My BF did say he'd love to have a baby with me so we have actually talked about that before as he seems keenly ready for it but I'm not in the right situation for a third baby right now, I've not mentioned it to my husband as it might be too much for him at the moment. One step at a time.

 

I'm now seriously contemplating telling our families that we're in an open marriage. We've just been hiding our true lifestyle for far too long its been seriously difficult over the years hiding it from them in fear of their rejection of us. Its just we're crazy about each other I'd love to make it official that he's my boyfriend, he wants to introduce me to his friends and family - he has told his parents that he's seeing a married woman who he's not sure how serious things are right now.

 

Regarding a poly type relationship. I think at best if all could potentially go well, is BF might be able to live with us if we move into a bigger house together. They're both heterosexual though so I'd probably have to be between two bedrooms from one night to the next. He's lovely with my kids they seem to like him a lot which is a plus, they think he's just a friend of mummies.

[Numex 2,420]

Do you plan to close your relationships to just your husband and boyfriend, or continue to be open? Is your boyfriend good with you continuing to have other partners?

[Ems1485 37]

Do you plan to close your relationships to just your husband and boyfriend, or continue to be open? Is your boyfriend good with you continuing to have other partners?

Boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me seeing others which I don't mind anyway as I've got both a hubby and a BF, so me and him have agreed to be closed except of course for me with hubby - he doesn't seem all that interested lately in dating other women, still he can see other women if he wants to I don't mind and he knows this.

 

I asked hubby earlier, more so jokingly just to try check what his response might be, I asked what would we do if I became pregnant and it was my boyfriends? He then asked me if I'd be okay if he ever got another woman pregnant regardless of the situation. He asked me why? I said I was just wondering. Then he asked if I'm pregnant and if its why I want to tell our parents about opening up to them. I again said no I was just wondering.

[padoc 1,703]

Well said alexandsandra! EMS, this is a disaster waiting to happen and you know its really gonna hurt?? That baby you're talking about making, that's who! Bringing a new child into the mess you're creating with the four other lives already tied to you is borderline child abuse. Men have a ready made excuse, we often think with our dicks, which organ is thinking for you?

[venusshaw 123]

Everyone is more perfect than my spouse, that is why he is my spouse. My spouse is like a long distance runner who keeps pace with me all the way and will last the full distance. Others are short distance runners - fast, furious and done and gone. Some last a little longer and keep coming back.

[couplers 4,656]

.. But unlike Couplers, I'm still in the beginning stages of the journey and am not sure if I can keep everything inside the closet. I'm lucky that partner and bf lives in separate but nearby cities. Bf' family and friends know me there, as well as partner's. It is like living in 2 realities. Eventually, if bf will be raising a child with me, things might change, like, living arrangements, "outness", etc. You should consider these things too.

Petra ("Couplers") here. You may want to keep things in the closet, but information is one of the hardest things to control. My advice is to be as discrete as possible, but be prepared for people to find or figure it out. The response is, "This is how I prefer to live my life."

 

 

... Regarding a poly type relationship. I think at best if all could potentially go well, is BF might be able to live with us if we move into a bigger house together. They're both heterosexual though so I'd probably have to be between two bedrooms from one night to the next. He's lovely with my kids they seem to like him a lot which is a plus, they think he's just a friend of mummies.

Here's the test - if they're hetero, could you get a bigger bed and sleep between the two men? That's what life will be like, so everyone better get used to it.

 

____________________

In my earlier post I said, "You first need to move past the "I love him because" stage to the "I love him despite" stage." This realization on my part was that the guys and women in our family love me despite my flaws, they make much bigger sacrifices loving me than I do.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me seeing others which I don't mind anyway as I've got both a hubby and a BF, so me and him have agreed to be closed except of course for me with hubby - he doesn't seem all that interested lately in dating other women, still he can see other women if he wants to I don't mind and he knows this.

 

I asked hubby earlier, more so jokingly just to try check what his response might be, I asked what would we do if I became pregnant and it was my boyfriends? He then asked me if I'd be okay if he ever got another woman pregnant regardless of the situation. He asked me why? I said I was just wondering. Then he asked if I'm pregnant and if its why I want to tell our parents about opening up to them. I again said no I was just wondering.

 

One, if your boyfriend doesn't like the idea of you seeing others, there is some possession going on. Not that that is bad per se, but it may bold ill for your husband and your BF's attitude towards him if he keeps on that path. It is very common (and I do mean common) for single guys to think that a woman playing with permission is married to an idiot who doesn't see what he has, and will try to steal the woman away from him. Barring demonstrations otherwise, this guy sounds exactly like that to me.

 

Two, and more importantly; I will strongly echo what alexandsandra said. You are now lying to your husband, and rather blatantly so. Your husband asked you an honest question, and you gave him an evasive answer. If I were in his shoes, and aware that your boyfriend said he wanted to have a baby with you, and that you were trying to obfuscate this in your response, I would be very upset with you. I trust my wife 10000000000% to be honest, forthright, and truthful with me and I with her. We keep no secrets from each other. If we did, swinging could not and would not happen, end of story, full stop. You are deceiving your husband, pure and simple. I am not judging you, nor trying to be harsh on you. I'm laying out the facts as I see them. I would strongly, strongly advise you to tell your husband EVERYthing about this relationship, and be completely open about it. If you really want to have your boyfriend and your husband too, there is absolutely no other way. You must do this, and hope your husband takes this well. Many would not.

 

I also concur with what others have said; there is no such thing as the mythical perfect man (or woman). They don't exist. Real relationships take real time, real effort, real understanding, real acceptance of the shortcomings of the other person and they of your shortcomings. I strongly agree with Couplers here; you need to move past the NRE stage and get to the "I love him despite" stage. At six months with this nature of relationship, it's unlikely you've really come to understand who he is fully.

 

I'd be curious to know how your boyfriend feels about you not telling your husband about your boyfriend wanting to have a baby with you. If your boyfriend is copacetic with that, then he is willing to lie to your husband as well. If that's his character, then he is most emphatically NOT perfect, and rather far from it. He would thereby be selfish, untrustworthy, and divisive of your relationship with your husband. There is no way, and I do mean no way, that a poly triad family can ever work where there is lying and distrust. You are dramatically setting yourself up for failure. Couplers can definitely speak more to this as I have considerably less experience than her in this (though I have some). But, two men in a poly triad with a woman need to want their relationship with the woman to be successful and want the relationship the other guy has with her be successful too. You have to want the best for everyone all around.

 

You also have to consider the impact on your children. How will they feel about mommy being pregnant by another man? How will they feel about a brother/sister that isn't daddy's? They need to be considered in this. They aren't the decision makers, but they deserve some thought and care in how they will be in such a family. Where will the child live? With you and your husband and sometimes with her/his dad? Or, the other way around? Will boyfriend be living under the same roof as you and your husband? There's a lot of things that need to be considered in this.

 

But, I get back to the above; you are being dishonest with your husband and this must end. If it doesn't, then you're effectively cheating on your husband because you are being dishonest about the nature of the relationship with your boyfriend and this will end very, very badly. You might be trying to gloss this over by asking "what if" sorts of questions of your husband, but the what ifs are real, and you're not being honest about that. The innocent victims in this will be your children.

[Ems1485 37]

I spoke with my husband about the baby aspect. To summarise he said he's kind of relieved in a way, as he hasn't wanted to have a third child of his own ever since we spoke of it a couple years ago as its me who has wanted another baby whenever the time was right.

He said he's happy if I'm happy if its something I really want, as long as we can both sense there's no insecurities and no love loss between us then he's happy knowing I'll never leave him for my boyfriend, which I've reassured him lots of times and I really hope we die old together.

 

He agreed we'd have to get a bigger house if boyfriend is serious about everything. He's going to have a face to face chat with him without me there so he can gauge him and discuss what could work for everyone including our children for the long term, and then the three of us will talk.

[Ems1485 37]

Thinking about it, if all does go well as I'd hope. As much as I'd love to have his baby ASAP, I'm going to make my boyfriend wait a year from the date he moves in with us, just to check if our love is true and not just lust in disguise. Then if we are still crazy for each other I'll stop taking my birth control.

[padoc 1,703]

OP is looking for "true love" OMFG!! Its gonna be like watching a car crash happen. You can see what's coming but you can't stop it nor can you look away!