New GF, doesn't know

[midlifecrisis 25]

Hi all - I'm divorced, and my ex-wife and I started to swing a little bit before the divorce (swinging was not the cause of it). As a single man, I got into the lifestyle a little more, not too many experiences, but for the most part, what I had, I really loved, and I'm still involved a little bit - going to clubs, mostly.

But I now have a new girlfriend, and we're getting pretty serious. She has no idea about my swinging past, and when I've casually brought up the idea of it, she has expressed very little interest. In fact, she is very much the opposite of me sexually. She is very reserved, and a bit of a prude. I don't see her being interested in this part of my life, and if we get more serious, I will completely drop it from my life.

Everywhere else in life we are unbelievably compatible. Sense of humor, things we do and enjoy. I really enjoy my time with her, and could very much see us being together for a long time, if not married sometime in the future.

But how do I resolve our sexual differences? How important is sex to a relationship?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Apart from her not rising to the bait when you make a reference to swing, do you and your girlfriend enjoy good sex. To ask it another way, is her disinterest in swing your single reason for describing her as prudish.

 

As to the question you ask, yes, sex is important in a relationship.

[Jane1902 476]

I believe sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. Focus on what is her style and desires to hopefully spice things up between the two of you. Does she enjoy sexy lingerie? Will she go to an adult bookstore that caters more to women? Romance her. Drop the idea of swinging with this woman. Don’t get to a point in the relationship where you resent the differences. Swinging or not Communication is the big C word.

[Alura 2,773]

A secret hidden will eventually become a threat.

[PeterJ 934]

...How important is sex to a relationship?

 

Midlife, I think you might have framed this question better. A more helpful framing is: “In the context of a romantic relationship, how important is sex to me?“ And you are the only person able to answer it.

 

More specifically in the context that you’ve raised the issue in this forum, how important is it to you to have sex with a variety of people? Whether or not your new girlfriend is amenable to swinging in the ways most members of this forum discuss it, you do need to ascertain where your girlfriend stands on the larger matter of non-monogamy.

 

My suggestion is you not let this issue linger too long. Better to address it candidly with her before the emotional bonds become too strong for either of you. That will potentially save a lot of pain down the road.

 

And keep in mind that there are a lot of fish in the sea. If it turns out that a non-monogamous sex life is really important to you But not to her, I suggest you keep looking until you find someone you can love who also embraces that quality.

[padoc 1,703]

Sex IS important in a relationship but honesty is imperative! What Alura said is very true. To put it more bluntly, if you hide something as out there as swinging from a new and possibly significant woman, it WILL bite you in the ass and not pleasantly either!

Im assuming that since your profile name indicates that you are not a 20-something, it stands to reason that the woman is also somewhere in middle age. Surely she has some sexual experience. Discuss her past and yours immediately before any emotional attachment deepens on her part. If you remain deceitful and somewhat dis-satisfied you will hurt a woman who has apparently chosen to take a chance on you. That would be selfish AND shitty!

[midlifecrisis 25]

"Apart from her not rising to the bait when you make a reference to swing, do you and your girlfriend enjoy good sex. "

 

To be perfectly honest, no. Sex is kinda boring. I mean especially after you stack it up to my experiences in the lifestyle - but even without that comparison, she's rather dull in bed, and doesn't seem to have any interest in changing that.

 

As I said, every other part of our life together is amazing, and I find myself falling for her big time. I'm just worried about my sex drive compared to hers

[padoc 1,703]

Excellent comment!!!!

[midlifecrisis 25]

Just to be clear, we're dating, but not exclusive at the moment. IF we were to commit to each other, I would certainly tell her everything. There is no way I would continue in a committed relationship without my partner knowing, and there is no way I would ever cheat on someone I have made that commitment to.

 

I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear in my original post.

[Jane1902 476]

You say you are not exclusive at this time. Is that because there has been a conversation saying this directly or is it because it hasn’t been clearly stated? There may be different assumptions on both sides. I don’t think you are being fair to her and are setting yourself up for long term disappointment.

[padoc 1,703]

Nothing the op has written since his first comment has changed my perception of him and his behavior towards this woman. It IS selfish and shitty!

[midlifecrisis 25]

Wow, some serious judgement coming down. I must say, I'm pretty surprised. Thank you all for your opinions.

[TwoFunTexans 103]

A secret hidden will eventually become a threat.

I would have a conversation where you disclose this to her. Maybe if you give her your personal history with it she might consider it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Since this is a new relationship, it's not surprising that you don't (yet) have the communication to be able to talk about this. If swinging is something that you REALLY want in your relationship, you really should be talking about it now. Putting it off only delays the conversation and if she isn't interested, it has all been just a waste of time for the both of you. Bottom line is what do you want more? Her or swinging? The only chance for both is if you start talking about it now and see what she has to say, but be ready to walk away from one of the other. Good luck.

[Jane1902 476]

OP has described the new girlfriend as prudish and boring in bed. This doesn’t sound like a good match.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I think you're in a tough situation where you're falling for, and contemplating getting serious with, a woman who is not a sexual match.

 

You do need to be prepared for the possibility that she has a difficult relationship with sex or just a low libido and that she will react with very little understanding to your preferences. You say you're falling for her and see a future with her, but I wouldn't drag it out if you think you're sexually incompatible. The boredom will get to you eventually.

[midlifecrisis 25]

Thank you EastinWest, I think you are the only one who has fully grasped my situation. (I take the blame for not explaining myself well to the rest on this post)

 

I have not told her about my swinging experiences - I've actually only had 5 total experiences, 4 of which were good, one was kinda a nightmare - so I don't feel that I am truly apart of the lifestyle, at least I am not fully immersed in it, but I do have a great deal of interest in being more active. We both have agreed that currently we are free to date/have other sexual experiences, so I haven't brought swinging up, other than a passing reference or two. OF COURSE, if this relationship progresses, I will talk about my desires, her desires, and see what we have in common.

 

The issue for me is mostly what you just said - am I prepared for a relationship with a woman who has a low-libido? I'm trying to gauge how important sex is to a relationship. Is being sexually incompatible enough to call off a relationship? Will the boredom, as you say, get to me and destroy us? Or can I adjust my thinking, and be ok with a less than exciting sexual relationship, with a woman who I find completely compatible in every other way.

 

Unfortunately, many on this board have judged me, in a completely inaccurate way, which surprised me since I thought most people in the lifestyle are open minded. But, as I said, clearly I didn't explain myself very well, so I take the blame for that.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Midlife, you said, "Unfortunately, many on this board have judged me, in a completely inaccurate way,"

 

The people here haven't judge *you*, they've judged what you wrote. I believe you represented yourself badly and/or inaccurately. You must understand that we get all kind of flakes and they try to troll us, sometimes we have a short trigger.

 

Please feel free to ask questions and seek advice, but understand that we need the whole picture to be fair.

[padoc 1,703]

He says, "IF we were to commit to each other", blah, blah, blah. So as this thread progresses, we see more and more of his character. He is putting conditions upon honesty. In life, you're either pregnant or you're not, you're either honest or you're not.He's not. That's NOT judgmental, that's a fact based conclusion supported by his words.

[Numex 2,398]

Many couples who are in love are able to work out the sex thing in different ways. My wife is the one who has had other wives confide in her: one doesn't want sex but always gives in to her husband because "it's a small thing," and two (!) wives whose husbands have no interest and allow them to have a guy on the side.

 

Please let us know how it turns out.

[midlifecrisis 25]

Thank you Numex.

 

Without knowing all of you, I'm going to guess that it's been a while since you've been single (which is the same situation with me, before my divorce, I had been married or in a relationship most of my life) since you are suggesting that, very early on in a relationship, I have a detailed discussion about my kinks and sex life. Perhaps I'm wrong, or maybe just old fashioned, but that is not something I come out with in the early stages of dating. We've had sex twice, continue to see other people, and just as she has not shared her sexual history or fantasies at this point, neither have I. However, that is certainly a discussion I will have, and initiate, if things progress.

My concern is, and continues to be, what seems to be her lack of interest in sex, which is throwing out a red flag - which was the basis for my post. I'm worried that sexual incompatibility is going to be too big of an obstacle, and since I thought this was a group of high-libido people, I was looking for input about that. Some have called me self centered for this concern, but I see it as quite the opposite. Cut me a break on that or not, or call me what you like, I'm not particularly concerned about that.

[enhancer 1,582]

How do you know she has a lack of interest in sex? Did she tell you this or are you assuming it? You say you have only had sex twice with her, but that she is boring in bed! What is it about sex with her you found boring?

[Jane1902 476]

Maybe she isn’t that turned on by him. That could explain why she is fine seeing other people.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Maybe she isn’t that turned on by him. That could explain why she is fine seeing other people.

 

There are a lot of possible explanations for this, all of which should be addressed instead of hemmed and hawed around until someone ends up very hurt and sad after too much time has passed thinking the other will "come around".

[midlifecrisis 25]

"Maybe she isn’t that turned on by him."

 

Certainly a possibility, which I have considered. From being with her, talking and generally my gut feeling, I'm going to say that's not the case - but I'm sure there's a good part of that that's my ego saying that too. It's definitely possible though. It seems like the only way to know for sure is to talk to her.

 

Thanks everyone for the constructive input.

[padoc 1,703]

"Thanks everyone for the constructive input". Translation: I've received no validation for my continued dishonesty but I intend to continue being dishonest with this woman.

 

"you are suggesting that, very early on in a relationship, I have a detailed discussion about my kinks and sex life".

Translation: I'll continue to get her naked and boink her even though she's not that good in the sack.

 

Note: There is no further reference to "falling for" this woman.

 

Conclusion: Selfish and dishonest.

[midlifecrisis 25]

"Thanks everyone for the constructive input" Translation: Snark. Only but a few had constructive input.

 

"Conclusion: Selfish and dishonest" Clearly you've made your mind up about me, no matter what I say or write. I suppose it's normal in this day and age to stake out your side, and stick to it no matter what anyone says, and then put down the ones who don't fall in line with your opinion. Again, I'm old school, and prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if their writing skills are not as clear as others.

 

You seem like a very beautiful woman. Unfortunately, understanding didn't come with looks. I'm sure those looks get you far in this lifestyle, but my hunch is outside of here, life isn't so great.

 

I wish you the best (actually, without the snark) and I'm happy that you've found a home in the lifestyle. In a way, your responses, and stuck up attitude has told me all I need to know about this community.

[EastInWest 1,524]

What few boyfriends I had before marriage, once we started having sex, it was like a deluge of sex. This is with most people. You, not so much, in this case.

 

I'm also not sure what to make of someone who is interested in swinging but is also visualizing a possible marriage after having (mediocre) sex with someone twice.

 

I don't know about everybody else, but when I was last single, there were women who kept bags in my bathroom and we still hadn't gotten anywhere near thinking about a future together.

[padoc 1,703]

What you have written since your original post is simply one excuse, justification or rationalization after another. What apparently disturbs you has nothing to do with benefit of the doubt it has to do with the fact that I won't excuse your selfish, dishonest and potentially hurtful behavior towards a woman who has done nothing but allow you INSIDE her and who expressed an initial disinterest in swinging. Perhaps changing your screen name to personality crisis from mid life crisis would be a bit more honest. But then again, honesty does not seem to be your default setting.

[Jane1902 476]

I have seen this pattern before on this board. When someone doesn’t like the feedback given they adjust the story or continue to rationalize their thoughts over and over. Think about another thread recently bumped about the “double standard” of people that use condoms for penetration but not oral or the countless other threads of men wanting to swing but the wife doesn’t and either how to convince her to or why it is okay for him to cheat. Ask her if she is okay with this level of sexual incompatibility (ironic that spell check puts in incompetence before I finish) and if you want to have sex with others while married to her. Sexual desires are a conversation I have long before the clothes come off.

[harryandmaria 20]

There are several apps where you can gauge sexual preferences where each couple answers yes no and maybe to a number of questions on their own and you see matches. We used kindu and also heard spicer was good. Also some questionnaires. Not the easiest for some to talk about but sometimes you just have to set the foundation of openness and honesty and see where it goes. Good luck.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

Well, I'd say you fucked up by not bringing this up before you started getting serious. It would be highly unethical to pressure her into giving this a shot when it's clear she is not interested. I'd say your realistic choices are give up swinging or give up your girlfriend. Trying to talk her into it is not an option unless you care more about swinging than hurting her.