New to Poly Question - uneven attraction?

[vegas32 15]

Me and my wife have been dating another girl for quite some time. I want to know if anyone has experienced in their poly relationship that one person was into the third more than their spouse was? Also, could a poly relationship work if one person is not turned on by the third person? My wife really likes the girl but consistently tells me that the third doesn’t turn her on or even get her off in bed. But, when we are all in bed, it seams the opposite. Is this something that could change based on more time spent with each other? Is this a normal start to these types of relationships?

[a_d_xxx 663]

In my experience a triad is the hardest poly relationship structure to pull off, why it is often pursued as an intro level thing baffles me. It is seriously hard (and rare). A triad is made up of (at least) 4 relationships. Given persons A, B, and C. Then A and B, A and C, B and C, A and B and C. It is unlikely to have all of those relationships be of equal intensity at all times.

 

So to answer your question, is it common for one relationship be more intense than another? Yup, happens all the time.

 

The only way I think this will work (he says humbly) is if you let individual relationships themselves define the shape your constellation takes. Don't try to force things into a triad if the relationships don't support it. Maybe they will evolve to that shape over time, but maybe they won't. Expecting them to fit from the get go is just going to make everyone involved unhappy and feel unseen/heard.

 

So that leads to a question for you, would your existing partner be OK with the relationship structure being more of a V? With you and your new partner having the stronger connection and She and your new partner having a metamour relationship?

 

D

[vegas32 15]

Thank you for the response. The answer to your question is no. My existing partner is jealous of the other. Sometimes I don’t even know why we are together with her. Me and the other girl don’t talk outside of a group text and we haven’t had sex because of my existing partner not wanting it. I think that I am already in the unhappy/unseen stage. It’s frustrating because I believe that this could work if my existing partner would be more secure in us. She says she is working on it but has her moments where it feels she uses the other girl as leverage to get what she wants me to say, do or treat her a certain way. Of course this action is all denied but still feels that way.

[adamgunn 1,460]

"I believe that this could work if my existing partner would be more secure in us."

 

But she's not. Apparently, she has great issues with this relationship.

 

You've got two girls. They aren't compatible. Pick one, let the other one go.

[Jane1902 476]

You have been having threesomes with your wife and the same other female. It doesn’t sound poly at all to me but you would like it to be. Your wife uses this as leverage for what she wants. It sounds like manipulation and not a good way to problem solve. I suggest you both take a step back from all swinging activities and work those out perhaps with professional help.

[kittyswinger 260]

If you are talking about real polyAMORY (multi affection, multi love), then it can still work even if your spouse doesnt get turned on sexually by the other woman. As long as they like each other. Love doesnt have to be sexual at all. But if what you are looking for is simply a non-monogamous 3rd wheel/unicorn/3some regular partner, then the sexual attraction is a must.

 

As a_d_xx pointed out, poly will work even if 2 partners dont like each other that much by forming a V or Vee, instead of a triad. Like myself, I'm the hinge between 2 men who are polite but not too warm on each other. The challenge is dividing my time as the primary partner of the two. But I could imagine it is more difficult for a man to divide his time between 2 women who are jealous or competitive.