We met as singles at a swingers club

[Mlw 7]

Hi. I'm in need of some advice. In December ( yea just a mere 2 and a half months ago), I met Dylan. It was like 7 am and we were, well let's say, impaired. We ended up hooking up that night. We exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes. 

Long story short, we are now a couple. We dont see each other much and when we do, I dont feel desired and sexy (because he doesn't seem excited to see me. We've havent had sex in about 5 weeks. And hes ready to start swinging. I just dont feel comfortable enough with our relationship yet. Ya know the trust just isnt there yet. How do I get past this?? Plz help!

[RockNCpl 71]

First thing that seems out of place to me is that you have been together less than 3 months and you haven't been intimate in 5 weeks. To me, that is a red flag that needs to be addressed before swinging is even thought about. 

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Hi,

 

There's no official rule that says a relationship has to be a long-standing one before one can call what he is asking for "swinging", but in practice, yeah, that's not swinging.  What that is really called is "I'm not happy/satisfied with the relationship but can't man up enough to tell you that."  If it is something you want to salvage, then I'd use him bringing up swinging as a way to try to get him to talk about what he really is thinking, what you both are looking for long term, etc.  If he still won't talk, then probably best to move on.

 

Good luck.  Sounds to me like you deserve better, just sayin'

[Mlw 7]

Hi! 

I'm very new to this whole thing. And I haven't had many experience... mostly just one on one with men. However, he has been in the lifestyle for a real long time. 

 

I dont feel comfortable at this point of where are to have the confidence I think is needed. He constantly reminds me that we did in fact meet at a swingers club making me doubt myself. Idk. Yeah I'm sitting here today evaluating the whole situation. 

 

We do talk about out relationship and the expectations we have. We are together. But I need to go with my gut on this one. 

Thank you!!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

You're welcome.

 

Fair point about him having been in the lifestyle for a while.  Even when both are new, it is not uncommon at all for one side or the other to be more comfortable with the whole swinging idea, especially at first. When one has way more experience, then that will likely be worse.  So, that falls back onto one of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging which is "always go at the speed of the slowest partner" so I think you all should talk about that specifically. It's not that you are necessarily opposed to the idea of swinging with him, it's that you just want to have solid ground under your feet before considering it. Totally understandable...and wise.

[Mlw 7]

I have told him. We talked about everything. Beings I have no clue, we talked about expectations and boundaries and EVERYTHING. I did a lot of research before i 100% decided to pursue this lifestyle. And the very next day he was trying to set up meets. Not selfishly. I dont think anyway. He asked a guy if he would have a threesome with us and fuck me. I was devastated. Like he didnt hear a thing I said. 

I dont operate like that. I cant promise that anything will happen. It depends on the chemistry for me. I need to go into everything having no pressure and no expectations. For me, that's the only way I am able to be genuine and be in the moment 100%. 

 

And he doesnt even ask me. Just tried to set it up. 

 

Today is my first day on this site. I've been looking for validation of my feelings... thinking maybe I'm just being dramatic. 

 

I know I need to stop seeing him. Hes already broken the , I guess rules and we haven't even started yet. 

 

I feel extremely irrelevant and disrespected

[TwoFunTexans 103]

This should be a fun hobby that you're excited about. If he's not helping to make you comfortable and excited to do it then there's something wrong. 

[Jane1902 476]

Your feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter where or how you met he is not listening to you. He may have been fun 1:1 but it doesn’t sound like he has your interests in mind and not likely to be looking out for you in a group setting. His experience  is irrelevant. Being a single woman in the lifestyle can be very challenging in itself. 

[lcmim 1,082]

You are not comfortable and it sounds like he is manipulating this outside of you comfort zone. This does not sound hopeful.

My suggestion would be to state again your boundaries and then enforce them, OR you could just end it now.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

You definitely are not in a relationship (at least HE isn't in a relationship). It sounds like he is looking for a partner to swing with (swinging as a single guy is not easy) and not necessarily a partner outside of swinging. Your feelings are justified. It takes time to develop a strong enough relationship to swing and while there is no exact time table, it doesn't sound like you are anywhere close to having the trust required. You deserve better and you certainly deserve more time before you take this (large) step. One of the golden rules (at least in our opinion) is to NEVER move faster than the slowest person is comfortable with. Are you even interested in swinging if it wasn't for him? I think that this is nothing more than a fling for him and its time to look elsewhere. You deserve better!

[micknchris 27]

I do wonder if he is using you as a partner/wing woman in order to find more opportunities for himself. I think my assumption is that single men have a harder time of finding couples/women to play with than do couples. This could just be a way for him to be more readily accepted. As for the MFM he tried to set up. that has to be 100% agreed upon by all 3 participants and if you don't want that at all or even just not with a particular gentleman, then remember, NO means NO.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Some things said here.... moving as fast as....no means no....he isn't in a relationship... I hope you are reading these. As well as the entire theme of the posts. You are headed for a crash and burn. Please think carefully about YOUR wants and needs too. Good luck ?