First time nerves

[His_harley2 5]

Hi everyone I need some input, my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years but have been friends for around 25 years so we have quite a bond. We have experienced mff sex which was such a wonderful experience and I think me being bi helped make it a positive experience, recently he suggested that we should try the lifestyle (he has experience and I don't) so I thought sure why not try something new. Well we met a couple who flaked on us no big deal it happens right? So we began our search from scratch met a new couple turns out that my bf and her have a more sexual side as to where her bf and I are both rather shy, we have a meeting this Friday and I'm about an eyelash away from flaking as I am very nervous and dont know what to expect, we both enjoy seeing seeing each other with another woman but there has never been another man involved. Are the feelings I have normal or am I just overthinking the whole situation?!?! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

It is entirely common and understandable that both partners aren't on the exact same wavelength when getting started swinging.  That's why one of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging is "go at the speed of the slowest person".  I don't think you are getting out too far ahead of yourselves, I just think it's a simple matter of he has more experience than you do so his nerves aren't at the same place yours are.  Totally understandable.

 

It's hard to get rid of the nerves and anxiety all together, even people who have been swinging for years still feel it to some degree.  I think the best thing you can do is just both agree that you go into Friday night with no expectations other than having a fun night together. Don't feel like you are being expected to do something, and then you won't worry as much about that something.

 

I can relate too to what you say about you and the other guy being on the shy side since I fall into that category too.  Some people can just say "Hi" as the clothes are dropping and be good to go   For others of us though, it takes a little more warming up time to feel comfortable enough to really be a good swing partner and have a good time.  Nothing wrong with that, just how some people are.  That goes back to the no expectations and moving at your own speed thing.  Do those and you'll be fine!

[bbarnsworth 2,638]

His_harley2; WELCOME! You'll find the people here are full of helpful advice and supportive. Please feel free to keep asking questions!

 

cplnuswing's response is great, and I 100% agree. Nerves happen, especially the first time. It's perfectly normal to feel this way. That doesn't mean you should ignore your inner voice. If it's telling you "no, this is wrong!" pay attention. If you don't, you may find yourself seriously regretting the evening. It's very true; move at the pace of the slowest.

 

My wife and I have a "golden parachute" clause. We've never used it, but it's a comfort knowing it's there. The way it works is this; if either of us at any moment, even in the throes of sex, feel the need to end things and leave, we can say so. No questions asked at that point, just 100% support and agreement from the other. We'd get our clothes back on, politely excuse ourselves from the people we're playing with, and leave. We can talk about it in the car and figure it out. You and your boyfriend might want to have a similar thing in place, so that if you feel you just have to exit stage right, you can, without having to wonder about resistance from him in the moment, or anything.

 

It is a different experience bringing a man into the mix. You are quite fortunate to have had an mff, as probably 95% of couples looking for that never find it. But yes, bringing another man into the mix does change things. You shouldn't feel obligated to have sex with him, just because you met up with them and began playing. You remain in control. If you want to have sex with him, but still have nerves, that's ok. It can actually make things exciting, almost like the first time :) But again, don't ignore that inner voice if it's screaming at you to stop.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

First and foremost, thanks for reaching out to this community. You will find that it is the only LS community devoted to objective, non-judgmental conversation. about the LS. 

 

Jitters are normal. They are even more normal among introverts who are often uncomfortable even in vanilla social settings. When "my partner is dragging me into a social situation" is "amped" up to "my partner is dragging me into a potentially sexual situation", palms become sweaty, stomachs start to churn and so on. 

 

By all means, follow the advice above and have a preset exit strategy: that will give you confidence of a sort. You should not hesitate to use that strategy. 

 

However--and this may be difficult to wrap your head around--you might find that LS people are much easier to interact with. 

 

Many/most introverts/shy people feel uncomfortable around others because of childhood experiences. They were bullied, verbally or physically abused, ridiculed, excluded from cliques, whatever. Those experiences made it easier to retreat, and difficult to trust. Their marriage is a protected space, and they rely on their partner to 'run interference'--even at innocuous gatherings such as cocktail parties (and we have seen the behavior at PTA meetings as well).  

 

The interesting thing about LS people is that every one of us--and every one of our partners--has had to deal with the idea--and the reality --of vulnerability. Every one of us knows what it is like to be 'out there', thinking 'I might not be at all attracted to...." or, worse, "I might not be at all attractive to...", and worst of all, "s/he might see me for who I really am".  As a consequence, LS people are among the most caring and supportive people we know. They do not judge. They do not criticize, they respect the idea of "no thank you, I'm not up for that". 

 

Intimate LS people refer to each other as "playmates". The emphasis in the compound word is on the fragment "play" over "mate".  We invite you to go back in your memory to a time before you were wounded, when play--dressing up, imagining yourself as an ideal, splashing in a pool and having harmless fun left you feeling good about yourself and about the world, pleasantly fatigued, ready to rest,  and looking forward to tomorrow. The LS is all about that--license for fantasy, intention for fun,  even while setting some boundaries. 

 

For many--even most---adults, having fun with other people is something that is idealized on a screen and rarely experienced in day-to-day life. Sometimes its lack of time. More often, it's the vulnerability issue. You might find--as so many have--that simply being around LS people makes it easier to cast aside the vulnerability and enjoy others' company. 

 

It would be wrong to suggest that the LS is all "orgasms and roses". There are highs and lows, great dates and bad dates. It is nevertheless a journey with intent to share some pleasure and even find some joy in everyone around you smiling and laughing and playing. 

 

Give yourself an exit strategy. But don't deny yourself an entrance strategy. 

 

Let us know how it  goes. 

[His_harley2 5]

Thank you cplnus2ing I think I will talk to him and see if we maybe we can slow down a bit or just do as you suggest and go out Friday night with no expectations but to have a good time with friends! Thank you for being so understanding about the whole being shy thing it is a struggle sometimes but I feel like this experience is going to be worth the wait and taking it at my pace will work better than just jumping in the deep end so to speak!!? this is the type of support I have been looking for but have yet to find until now so glad I found this site!

[His_harley2 5]

Thank you bbarnsworth for the suggestion of having a clause so to speak that allows an out without question and time to figure out what happened. It's not so much that my inner voice is screaming "no" it's just screaming "be very careful " and I think that stems from the fact that i am a bit worried about my bf's reaction to seeing another man please me not that hes given any indication that it would bother him he says it would be a turn on for him as he is the one that suggested the idea and it interested me but if I'm am worried while performing that I know will not be a comfortable situation for anyone. So I will definitely discuss the clause thing with him and it will apply to both partners! Thank you again for the show of support I have been looking for a community that would help and answer any questions and haven't found it until now so very glad I have found this group!

[His_harley2 5]

Fundamental law ...I have never thought about how many times he has had to run interference for me even in vanilla settings that definitely gives me something to think about and puts into perspective some of the nervousness that I am feeling which in turn leaves me more vulnerable...that makes so much sense to me. I have spoken with a few couples in the lifestyle but have always been scared to ask them questions (had a couple that had a no newbie rule) as I dont want to offend anyone or make anyone feel as though I'm being judgmental I am just very curious,interested and intrigued with the lifestyle. So far everyone has offered good advice and has shown me so much compassion I have been looking for a community that can help me understand the ins and outs, do and don'ts,  and I have learned so much already thank you all for being so understanding! I will definitely let you guys know how things go!!!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

10 hours ago, His_harley2 said:

Fundamental law .... I have spoken with a few couples in the lifestyle but have always been scared to ask them questions (had a couple that had a no newbie rule) as I dont want to offend anyone or make anyone feel as though I'm being judgmental I am just very curious,interested and intrigued with the lifestyle. 

Everyone was new once. And we think you’ll find that LS questions to LS people are answered with grace. So long as you project curiosity in the framing of your question, you’ll get a respectful answer. And to the extent you offer gratitude for their thoughtful response, you will find LS people happy to share experience...past and present and maybe future...

[bbarnsworth 2,638]

On 3/4/2020 at 9:52 PM, His_harley2 said:

Thank you bbarnsworth for the suggestion of having a clause so to speak that allows an out without question and time to figure out what happened. It's not so much that my inner voice is screaming "no" it's just screaming "be very careful " and I think that stems from the fact that i am a bit worried about my bf's reaction to seeing another man please me not that hes given any indication that it would bother him he says it would be a turn on for him as he is the one that suggested the idea and it interested me but if I'm am worried while performing that I know will not be a comfortable situation for anyone. So I will definitely discuss the clause thing with him and it will apply to both partners! Thank you again for the show of support I have been looking for a community that would help and answer any questions and haven't found it until now so very glad I have found this group!

 

This is something my wife could not wrap her head about at first as well; the idea that I would enjoy watching her have sex with someone else. In 'vanilla' society, we have rather intense programming that teaches us that cheating is wrong, and should make us very angry. This is absolutely true, and it should upset us. But, swinging isn't cheating. The element of trust betrayal is gone. If you're enjoying having sex with another man, and your boyfriend is enjoying it as well, the feelings you may both feel may be quite intense in a very good sense. It is this way with many first time couples.

 

So why should your boyfriend enjoy it? I can't tell you. I can tell you that watching my wife have sex with another man never gets old. It's highly erotic, and deeply satisfying. Early on (we've been doing this 12 years now) I tried very hard to gain an understanding of why I enjoyed watching her have sex with other men so much. Everything our society tells us leads us to believe we shouldn't. Yet, I do, and I am extremely far from alone. Your boyfriend might feel some pangs of jealousy, but I think it's unlikely. More likely is that he will be extremely aroused, and the more you enjoy it the more he will be aroused.

 

Some years back, there was a poll done on this forum. It wasn't scientific of course, and the audience was of course limited to just people who participate in this forum. It asked a simple question of men; what was more desirable? A MFM threesome or an FMF threesome? In 'vanilla' society, everyone has this idea that men would love to have sex with two women together. It's the ultimate fantasy, right? Except, it isn't. At least not based on this poll. Men preferred MFMs 2:1 over FMFs.

 

I've never been in an FMF. I'm sure it would be very enjoyable. I've been in multiple MFMs, and had a fantastic time every time. It is exquisite to watch another man having sex with my wife and hearing her moans of pleasure. I suspect your boyfriend will be the same. There is a chance he will have a negative reaction. Regardless, the two of you need to have absolutely open communication about the good and the bad, and make sure you're always communicating as best you can about your innermost emotions. Possibly the worst thing you can do as swingers is hold something back from your spouse/significant other.

 

There is also a chance you will feel very self conscious having your boyfriend being able to watch you have sex with another man. That's understandable, to be sure. It's a very intimate moment, and we're not programmed by society to readily accept someone else watching us having sex other than the person we're having sex with..even if it is your boyfriend. Some couples don't enjoy same room sex for this reason, and prefer to play with their play partners alone. Everyone is different, and there's no 'right' answer. It sounds like for your boyfriend, he would very much prefer watching. What do you want? If you don't want same room, would your boyfriend be comfortable with that?

 

So many things to discuss, to consider, to feel :) We were all there, and we all know what it feels like. Indeed you have found a good community of supportive people. We're also not proselytizers. If, based on what you say, we see problems we WILL tell you. Nobody here that I've ever seen has ever tried to convince somebody to swing. In fact, that's very antithetical to swinging. Nobody should be convinced to do it. Your boyfriend has opened a magnificent door for you, one of great pleasure, self awareness, desire, greater closeness with him and satisfaction. There are many benefits to swinging, but it is your choice to walk through that door. Not every person is compatible with swinging, and the worst thing is for someone who isn't compatible with it to be forced.

 

When you meet up with this couple, it might be good to explain where you (the two of you, as you should be moving at the pace of the slowest as noted before) are, and that you'd like to take things slow. With you and the other man, you might sit close to him at dinner, by way of being on the same seat in the booth. See how it feels if he touches you, or perhaps lightly touch him. Flirting with him in front of your boyfriend is also possibly a good toe dipping exercise, to see how you feel and how your boyfriend feels. Lots of different flavors of candy to try.

 

Please by all means feel free to ask any question, and let us know how things go!

 

[His_harley2 5]

11 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

The element of trust betrayal is gone.

So very true I hadn't thought of it in this capacity. It seems I still have a lot to learn!

[His_harley2 5]

11 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

Your boyfriend has opened a magnificent door for you, one of great pleasure, self awareness, desire, greater closeness with him and satisfaction. There are many benefits to swinging, but it is your choice to walk through that door. Not every person is compatible with swinging, and the worst thing is for someone who isn't compatible with it to be forced.

I honestly believe that he has done exactly that, I definitely would like to walk through the door he has opened and I agree that this is something that cannot be forced. When he first proposed the idea he just asked me to think about it and allowed me time to think and approach him when I had reached a decision..I had so many questions!!! he has been so very patient with me and has answered anything I throw at him I can say he has handled this very well with patience and love, the shortest response he has ever given me was "don't overthink it, you are in control" I found that odd at the time but the more I learn the more it makes sense to me. 

[His_harley2 5]

11 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

Please by all means feel free to ask any question, and let us know how things go!

 

Thank you for answering my questions and addressing my concerns with such patients! Unfortunately we will not be meeting with them this evening I woke up early this morning with a migraine but we have rescheduled for next weekend they were both very understanding about my situation, fortunately I am feeling better though and am actually looking forward to learning more and seeing them not to say my nerves are completely gone because by no means are they but rather they are soothed somewhat by the information and insight that I am being afforded. Again thank you so very much!

[bbarnsworth 2,638]

You're welcome! We're here to help :)

Your boyfriend sounds very much like he has his head in the right place about this. The way he has approached you with this is exactly as how it should be; with patience, love, and communication. I would imagine you feel closer to him, even without playing with another man. The open communication is wonderful, and brings closeness that many 'vanilla' couples never feel. He's right about you being in control. I think 'vanilla' society looks at swingers as being a male dominated world, where the women are reluctantly along for the ride, or something like that. It's not that way at all. Your boyfriend seems to get that, and is rightfully letting things go at your pace. You are indeed in control. Really, both of you are in control as a team.

 

Sorry about your migraine :( Glad you're feeling better though! I've a relative who deals with migraines, and it can be quite difficult for her.

 

I wouldn't expect your nerves to go away :) My wife would get, as she would say, "butterflies" in her stomach every time before playing in the first year or so that we got into swinging. It's perfectly normal. Another thing that's perfectly normal; if you do have sex with another man, you and your boyfriend will likely be like bunny rabbits for a couple of days afterwards :) Most couples see this happen. If it doesn't, it doesn't mean something's wrong, but it's quite normal for it to happen.  You also will probably want to have sex together as soon as you get back home. Some couples calls this the "reclaiming sex".

 

 

[His_harley2 5]

Bbarnsworth some quite interesting things came to light during a conversation with the female of couple that we are supposed to meet with this weekend, so I was under the impression that they actually lived together nothing has been said about that not being the case until tonight when she said she was at his house, then the subject of them living separately came to light. I am very excited to explore the lifestyle but have my reservations about being with a couple that doesn't live together. Does this sound superficial or judgemental of me? Should I be concerned? Input would be greatly appreciated. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

His_harley, what is your concern that they aren't living together? 

 

If they are committed to each other, I don't see a problem . . . perhaps they have a situation that prohibits it. I knew a couple that didn't live together because the mother objected. Or maybe one has a pet that the other has allergies to.

 

But, if they are just 'using' each other to enter the LifeStyle, yeah, I see the issue. 

 

Just have a talk with them, find out what their situation is, and then make your choice.

[bbarnsworth 2,638]

His_harley, I think adamgunn is correct. There are situations where couples live apart, but are still quite stable. It's uncommon, but it does exist. The whole point here is wondering how stable the couple is? Some swinging couples won't play with couples who aren't married for that very reason. You two fall into that category, unfortunately, We wouldn't have an issue playing with you since you've been together for ten years, but some would. Likewise, there's reason to potentially be concerned here. What you don't want is drama coming from this couple. If they're not very well committed to each other, there's the potential for drama. That's impossible for us to judge, and will have to be something you two see/feel for yourselves coming from them.

[His_harley2 5]

Hey guys just wanted to update you, so last night was the night to say it was interesting is an understatement. So we had dinner and a few drinks things went well tried the toe dipping exercises that were recommended and they were a tremendous help however as the wore on the female of the couple kept getting progressively more pushy wanting to play in the deep end of the pool so to speak. So i tried my best to roll with it needless to say they picked up on the fact I was nervous very quickly she was the one that finally realized that they were my first couple and she reassured me that everyone was new once and that they actually found it kinda cute and exciting, and it seemed to fuel their efforts. We decided that it would be best if we did same time different room play which was completely fine with me I really enjoyed it. I'm not sure that I can say that I am completely satisfied with the actual outcome for the simple fact that once they reached their peak and were done they were ready to leave neither myself nor my boyfriend reached that level of enjoyment. After said couple left my boyfriend and I discussed things and the feelings that I was having and ended the night by fulfilling each others needs and that reclaiming sex was hot. Going forward and knowing what to expect from the situation (all of them will be different) I do believe that this is something that I enjoy.

 

@bbarnsworth I didn't get the feeling from them that they were all that close and he had to have her relay messages about how he really was interested we will see how this plays out at this time I am content with keeping as friends and as long as there is no drama all will be well their reasoning behind not living together is "well we need a break from each other from time to time " still trying to figure that out because they didn't elaborate and I got the sense she was feeling some jealousy issues last night because she remarked on his touching me and pointed out the fact that he doesn't rub her legs like he did mine and that they just fall right into it

[njbm 2,871]

Glad your session went relatively well. We just look at it as playing. With new partners, it’s difficult to figure out what everyone likes. My wife and I enjoy relatively brief sexual exploits. We find that many partners want a marathon session, which bores us. 

[bbarnsworth 2,638]

His_harley, glad it wasn't too bad, but honestly I'd take a pass on this couple in the future. Their jealousy issues smack of drama in the offing, and the need to take a break from each other sends up red flags for me.

 

Don't judge swinging by this one encounter. Swinging shares a lot in common with dating; gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. My wife and I agreed before we began that we'd give it a go for a few tries so long as it wasn't really bad and didn't cause problems for us. Good thing; the first few weren't all that great. Then there was a guy that made my wife's toes curl. Been doing this ever since :) Hang in there, it will get better. Don't settle for someone that doesn't feel right, and someone you're not really attracted to. It's ok to be picky.

 

On things wrapping up so quickly; every couple is different. My wife and I do not prefer the wham-bam and out the door approach. We like to be friends with the people we play with. Again, you can find what you're looking for. It'll happen.

[Numex 2,416]

On 3/6/2020 at 5:53 AM, bbarnsworth said:

 

.... So why should your boyfriend enjoy it? I can't tell you. I can tell you that watching my wife have sex with another man never gets old. It's highly erotic, and deeply satisfying. Early on (we've been doing this 12 years now) I tried very hard to gain an understanding of why I enjoyed watching her have sex with other men so much. .. More likely is that he will be extremely aroused, and the more you enjoy it the more he will be aroused.

 

My wife and I always talked about exes, especially the ones who we enjoyed.  When I first suggested that she get back with two of her favorites, I too wondered why I said this.  I had no misgivings, but why?

 

My conclusion was simple, it makes me happy when she is happy.  (Oh, and believe me, it made her very happy.  And she made me very glad I let her, even before we decided that I should be fucking other women.)

[His_harley2 5]

On 3/16/2020 at 2:32 PM, bbarnsworth said:

His_harley, glad it wasn't too bad, but honestly I'd take a pass on this couple in the future. Their jealousy issues smack of drama in the offing, and the need to take a break from each other sends up red flags for me.

 

Don't judge swinging by this one encounter. Swinging shares a lot in common with dating; gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. My wife and I agreed before we began that we'd give it a go for a few tries so long as it wasn't really bad and didn't cause problems for us. Good thing; the first few weren't all that great. Then there was a guy that made my wife's toes curl. Been doing this ever since Hang in there, it will get better. Don't settle for someone that doesn't feel right, and someone you're not really attracted to. It's ok to be picky.

 

On things wrapping up so quickly; every couple is different. My wife and I do not prefer the wham-bam and out the door approach. We like to be friends with the people we play with. Again, you can find what you're looking for. It'll happen.

We had another meeting this past weekend with the same couple, I think we should take a break from this couple for a while because I get the same vibe so to speak of drama from the jealousy issues which were present this time as well but over a completely different issue, nothing transpired past a hang out session which is fine we enjoy the friendship aspect of things as well. We made our rules clear from the beginning it's either all or nothing and they tried to get around the rule when my boyfriend fell asleep on the couch I opted out gracefully letting them know that our rules still stood and I respect myself, him, and our relationship more than anything it wanting before they left. Going into the future I will keep a look out for the red flags so to speak. The fact that they need to take a break from each other doesnt make it sound like they are committed or are having relationship issues which may not be the case but it's just what I personally feel.

[njbm 2,871]

We like to play with couples who appear to be in love and respectful of each other. We have met many such couples in the LS. They want their spouse to have fun (compersion). Therefore, all four of us are having fun. People who rush sex, push for people to do things they don’t want to do—we don’t want the drama. Evaluating if the other couple will be a good match is a part of the search. And it’s not easy. Some couples with whom we thought we had a good time were never to be heard from again. 

[Guest]

How wonderful. First times and nervousness are expected. After 13 years we have turned nerves into erotic anticipation. I wish we could have 'first times' every time. 

 

Now we get to live vicariously on occasion...treating others to their first time. We know the feeling having been there and there is great joy in sharing a first time with a nervous couple. The last couple we were with for their first was precious experience for several reasons. They had been together forever, married, and in their late 60's. Imagine the mental journey they traveled to get to share their sex. They had only ever been with each other. And they were nervous! We had dated them twice for dinner and dancing before they took the step to come to our bed. He was the most apprehensive. It wasn't that he couldn't accept his wife getting laid, he was worried what she would think of him. My husband laid her first and after the consummation, he was prepared to fuck me. It was precious. He got in me and she rubbed his back and assured him what he was doing was okay. I told him it was okay to cum and to give it to me. He asked her if it was okay to cum. How sweet. She was like, "Yes!" And I told him to give it to me and to stay inside until he was complete. I have very fond memories of it and the look on his face when he ejaculated. 

 

Some photos of her showing him what my husband had done inside her and of me cunting his semen. I am so glad we did it for them.