Open marriage rules advice?

[curiousG 1]

Me and my wife are both in are mid 40's and have discussed open marriage. We are trying to figure out some rules. She says it has to be alone and not together, which I am ok with. I said that I want to know about when she gonna have sex. She said that would be weird but I say if it happens and she doesn't say anything that would be hiding it and feel like cheating. I also have requested it be a one time event and no regulars. Have sex with a partner one night and move on. She seems ok with that. My feeling is I would rather her have sex withe say 3 guys in a week then one guy multiple times. She seem to agree that way for me too. She has stated none in are home or with people in are circle, which I am ok with them. 

 

We are both in good shape and look very young for are age. We got married when we were 21 and my wife looked 16. People still think she in her early 30's. The kids are now grown and in college. We both have professional jobs and want to be discreet about things. Any suggestions or advice?

[adamgunn 1,460]

You are talking about this and setting up guidelines. That's very good.

 

I see your point about multiple guys, rather than one. You are attempting to ensure 'feelings' don't develop. Okay.

 

But . . . you realize that the standard is for you, too, right? I mean, if you get a girl that's really great in bed, you can't go back for seconds. That's a pretty big restriction.

 

I might suggest that you take the no seconds rule out, and then say if either of you is feeling queasy about one of your spouses partners, you can veto them. It's a little less restrictive. 

[curiousG 1]

One thing my wife says she doesn’t really want to talk about it after . She thinks that could get weird but I think sharing the experience would make it better. Any thoughts on that? Especially ladies. She has had experience with one of her close friends (girl) and did share that. Even sent me a picture. Truthfully it turns me on thinking about it and want her to share details. 

 

She says she doesn’t really care if I tell her details but that might change. Any thoughts?

[kittyswinger 260]

I tell it to SO if he wants to know the details except that if another partner wants privacy...i have to respect that too.  As to taking pics or videos, not everyone is comfy with that so I have to respect others' feelings too.  

 

Since your "open" arrangement pertains more to nsa or casual play and not to a polyamory situation, I find it not weird at all. She should keep you in the loop. But honestly, "telling the story" of what transpired inside a bedroom when you swing separately is unreliable. The story of what transpired can be framed differently or sugar coated. It all depends if you are both brutally honest to each other in other aspects of your lives. Then you can be at peace you are getting an accurate story. It is you who knows her chatacter.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Ditch the 'one and done' rule. Sexual experiences improve with repeat performances. Partners learn each others wants and wishes and develop trust and comfort over time. And, frankly - the one and done rule heavily favors the men. They are going to get off, guaranteed. First time for ladies, much lower percentage.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

One of the many things I like about this forum is that you are not necessarily going to get the answers you want, but the answers you need to hear. With that spirit in mind, and understanding I am in no way meaning to convey any negativity against you or your wife;

 

I feel the lack of discussion about what each of you doing or has done is a non-starter. There are very few couples that make this work, and for good reason. You are inexperienced in this lifestyle. You're basically giving each other a hall pass to go cheat, but with permission. Imagine the insecurities that can develop, the jealousy in wondering if the other has had sex with somebody recently? This is a very real possibility.

 

Further, most swingers approach the lifestyle as a team; they rejoice in each other's successes, relish hearing about their experiences, and want the best for their spouses. Personally, I find it incredibly erotic for my wife to tell me about her escapades. This often happens in the context of us making love while she tells me about her evening out with another guy. NOT talking about it removes each other from that portion of each of your lives. It's exclusionary, and begins to build walls. This is not good, not good at all.

 

There is also a very serious safety issue. You've said no sex in your home. This means your wife is going to be going off with guys somewhere not at home, and you won't know where or even why she is gone...or if she is gone if you're not at home and don't know she's out. Ok women go on dates all the time, but this is different. If you value your wife's security, then knowing where she is going and with whom is very important. My wife goes on many solo dates. But, I always know where she is going, even what room number at a hotel, and if I need to contact her she will answer the phone. Let's face it; there are some serious creeps out there that may take advantage of the situation and your wife will be at risk. Safety first.

 

Also; the one and done rule plays against the safety issue as well. I feel considerably less comfortable if my wife goes off on a solo date for the first time with someone and I haven't met the guy. She has had a couple of long term boyfriends, and I've felt no qualms at all with her going off to have sex with them. I know she's safe and is going to have a good time. I'd find it less appealing for her to be going off on first time solo dates all the time. Also, as others have said, sex with someone gets better the more times you have sex with them. They learn your likes, dislikes, what feels good, what doesn't. For my wife's part, being able to play multiple times with a guy means that eventually she'll get to play with him without a condom. For her, it feels a lot better and she really enjoys men cumming inside of her, so it's better for her to have a partner with whom she's played many times.

 

Also, this idea that she will play alone and so will you; be prepared that she would be getting a LOT more sex than you will. Finding men to play with a married woman is relatively easy. Finding women to play with a married man, not so much. For every 20 times she plays, you MIGHT play once. MIGHT. Would you be comfortable with that?

 

To be brutally honest here; I'm seeing red flags pop up on this one. Playing alone when you're first getting into this is something that couples do (though it is uncommon), but I don't hear about it happening successfully with couples who don't talk about it. Communication is an absolutely critical key to success in swinging. The _lack_ of it will undermine where you want to go with this. I strongly, strongly advise against it.

[EastInWest 1,524]

18 hours ago, adamgunn said:

I might suggest that you take the no seconds rule out, and then say if either of you is feeling queasy about one of your spouses partners, you can veto them. It's a little less restrictive. 

 

When we talked about rules for playing separately, we realized this might be an issue and agreed that any "second dates" required specific advance discussion before they were on the table.

 

That worked neatly enough.

[Sunday 119]

On 3/10/2020 at 10:56 PM, curiousG said:

Me and my wife are both in are mid 40's and have discussed open marriage. We are trying to figure out some rules. She says it has to be alone and not together, which I am ok with. I said that I want to know about when she gonna have sex. She said that would be weird but I say if it happens and she doesnt say anything that would be hiding it and feel like cheating. I also have requested in be a one time event and no regulars. Have sex with a partner one night and move on. She seems ok with that. My feeling is I would rather her have sex withe say 3 guys in a week then one guy multipletimes. She seem to agree that way for me too. She has stated none in are home or with people in are circle, which I am ok with them. 

We are both in good shape and look very young for are age. We got married when we were 21 and my wife looked 16. People still think she in her early 30's. The kids are now grown and in college. We both have professional jobs and want to be discreet about things. Any suggestions or advice?

 

IMO, it sounds like your wife wants to cheat - I'd guess she already has.  I've seen these "set-ups" go very bad and it's all based on the aspect of human-nature, ie, the hunted and the hunter.

 

It is MUCH easier for a woman to get a casual sex partner than it is for a man. 

 

Now, add to that, the rule-changes in the game since you last played -- it's "me-too" time brother -- you can easily jam yourself up trying to get some.  It's gonna end up with her fucking her brains out while you're sitting home with your thumb up your ass.

 

Doesn't sound like fun to me.

 

?

[luv2was 117]

Everyone's experience and approach will be different.  Part of the fun is the trying & learning.  Expect that things will pan out no where near the way that you think they will. ... As with everything (especially relationships), change is inevitable, so be prepared for that too.

 

There are not very many universal truth's or rules in the Swinger Lifestyle (the "LS").  However: Managing "Consent" is one for sure.  So be sure you are up-to-speed on that.

 

I highly recommend podcasts (and this BBS) as a resource for information on how to make decisions as you move forward.  Like this BBS, Podcasts are a fun thing to do together, and you can pause / rewind at anytime, and have a discussion if something comes up that strikes a nerve.

 

My favorite podcasts are:

 

(NNM) - Normalizing Non-Monogamy

https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/

 

(WGT) - We Gotta Thing

https://wegottathing.com/

 

I have heard numerous times on both these shows how folks start off with lots of rules, and usually, over time, start crossing rules off the list.  This is OK.  (Again, everybody does it a bit differently.)  It is important to move at a pace that is comfortable for everyone. ... So another general rule that is typically considered to be  universal is to "Never move faster than the slowest person present"... whether 2-some's (especially your marriage) or more-some's.

 

As for talking it over... That (IMHO) is typically considered to be the best part of the growth opportunity.  The experience, good or bad, is sometimes referred to as: "Another F**king Opportunity for Growth" (A-FOG). ... I distinctly recall one WGT show where Mrs. Jones said that for every hour of play, expect 100 hours of discussion.  Mr Jones initially just laughed, be he did agree that can be the case.

 

There are numerous other resources... like books.  For every NNM show, they list on their web the "resources" that guests mention.  Some of these also come up on WGT and elsewhere.  A lot of them are great.  Of the more popular books, these are a few to consider:

• The Ethical Slut - Janet W. Hardy
• Opening Up - Tristan Taormino
• Sex at Dawn - Ryan / Jetha

Listen long enough and you will hear these and more.

 

?

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Wasn't it the captain of the Titanic who said 'I think we should try an open marriage...and lets see how fast this boat can go!'

[NoAngels 334]

We have an open marriage that did start with cheating. Sort of tit for tat arrangement. We had agreed not to argue or question our nights out. My wife would go on cheating sites, people seeking affairs while my meetings were more of women I met in different situations. At that time we never discussed swinging or being together with others. We lived a don’t ask, don’t tell marriage. Eventually we did talk and tell and that led to our first swinging together. Our marriage has survived the cheating, the open marriage and now swinging. If someone had told me any marriage could survive all these obstacles I would have said no way. For us it seems to work. 

[Playman64 205]

Both of my marriages were open nsa type, we both had our dalliances with others.  Sometimes we shared about our fun but not always.  I enjoyed seeing them cum home red & full.  Kim especially enjoyed sucking & tasting my women on my cock.  We would go to house parties and the occasional club, we preferred house parties.  
 

Deb & I were pretty active until I came down with CHF years ago, now I let her go play and she tells me, if we go to house parties I mainly watch. No not as a cuck, because of CHF.