Warning signs that a swinger couple is unstable?

[yawanna 17]

What are warning signs for y'all that a swinger couple you've met or are talking to online might be unstable?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

All kinds of signs and no signs at all. Have to use alot of common sense!!!!

[R&C 15]

We watch how they treat each other. If they don't act "right " with each other they are going to be a problem. This is especialy true with the ways the men treat their wives. The thing we generaly see is the husband being over bearing, or threatening to the wife and she is overly submissive for the situation.

 

The other cue is often people where one tries too hard and the other doen't seem interested at all. Sometimes the feeling is that one person is too pushy.

 

It does come down to a "feeling" that something just isn't right.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Yawanna,

It is really so easy to see it and I'm really surprised you would ask this question...

 

...one or both of them are having conversations with people you don't see. Or suddenly! without warning! they slap themselves in the face, shouting, "I TOLD you to shut up!!"

 

Sorry...it was irresistible!

 

OK...like the others said...I think part of it is in a feeling you may get, something you can't quite put your finger on, yet you know something is amiss. If you are speaking of an unstable relationship, that can be seen in their communication patterns with each other. Otherwise...Sudden flares of anger. The my way or no way attitude that might be seen in some people. Too demanding of your time. Huge mood swings. Overly aggressive personality characteristics. Signs of manipulative or passive aggressive behavior. Avoiding the answers to questions. Heavy alcohol or drug use.

 

I don't think any single thing is indicative of an unstable personality, but it is more along the lines of patterns of behaviors that leads one to that conclusion. Just too many red flags to ignore.

 

The other thing...people that are mentally unstable (and I'm pre-supposing this is what you are referring to) have often become quite adept at hiding their instability and only under periods of extreme stress does it manifest itself. Some of these people present a perfectly normal appearance to the world at large, hold down jobs, etc., but are crazy as a betsy bug. Just look at Ted Bundy!

 

Bottom line for me is to pay real close attention to those 6th sense warnings.

[Whiteknightfem 15]

I often find one of the first signs tends to be an over eagerness to meet you within a very short period of time.

 

When you ask why they are all full of praise for you, ie: you seem like a nice person, a good match etc. How could they possibly know this in a few minutes.

 

Another might be they might be chatting with you normally one day and the next their whole demeanor changes. Odd responses or questions out the blue.

 

Always be cautious on line you could be talking to anyone, it is a great place for strange people to attempt to hide and pretend to be things that they are not.

[yawanna 17]

EBF. I actually wasn't directly addressing mental health issues..but ya! Those can be there, too I guess! I was thinking of couples that break up often but never leave swinging.

 

I remember one couple at a club one night...our group sat near them and the woman was quite chatty. Then the man with her, I assumed her husband, would speak quietly to her and she'd tell him to shut up, she wasn't ready to leave.

 

So I approached the owners about them, and was told that yes, the couple were married and having a disagreement but that he wouldn't leave without her. So we all just tried to avoid them.

 

Uncomfortable to say the least

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by Whiteknightfem

I often find one of the first signs tends to be an over eagerness to meet you within a very short period of time.

 

When you ask why they are all full of praise for you, ie: you seem like a nice person, a good match etc. How could they possibly know this in a few minutes.

 

Another might be they might be chatting with you normally one day and the next their whole demeanor changes. Odd responses or questions out the blue.

 

Always be cautious on line you could be talking to anyone, it is a great place for strange people to attempt to hide and pretend to be things that they are not.

This posting just about summed it up for me. Over eagerness is a huge turn off to me as there is NO way that they could know that we are all these wonderful things.

 

However, I would not say that I find that to be unstable, I would call it just not our preference.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Quote

Originally posted by yawanna

EBF. I actually wasn't directly addressing mental health issues..but ya! Those can be there, too I guess! I was thinking of couples that break up often but never leave swinging.

 

I remember one couple at a club one night...our group sat near them and the woman was quite chatty. Then the man with her, I assumed her husband, would speak quietly to her and she'd tell him to shut up, she wasn't ready to leave.

 

So I approached the owners about them, and was told that yes, the couple were married and having a disagreement but that he wouldn't leave without her. So we all just tried to avoid them.

 

Uncomfortable to say the least

 

Ok....once again...I've missed the entire boat. I thought I was jumping on the boat and instead, ended up with a big splash in the water. That boat had already left the dock!

 

But!! Those were good answers. Just the wrong question. Maybe I should go into politics. I'm getting good at this.

 

And in my defense, I will say I had just gotten through reading Mrs. O's response on the people that had been in some mental institution - which is where I'm thinking I might go on vacation. My brain was already cued to the crazies out there.

 

As soon as I get a life preserver tossed, I just might answer another question.

[yawanna 17]

If you, any readers/posters out there...knew a couple who broke up rather 'often', and let's say, just SAY, that she would attack women he sat with in the clubs, would you...later...meet with them to play? How would you handle if they showed up at an on premise to play?

[MCityCpl 15]

Usually, the ring of birds flying around their head is a dead give away. Otherwise, you just gotta trust your spidy sense. Who said that? I did. Who are you? You know who I am....................okay, gotta go. Gettin' slap happy here.

[yawanna 17]

A question for swinging couples:

 

Is it important to you that the couples you meet be in stable relationships? And, how do you define stable? If they break up often and cheat, then get back together - would you want to develop a swinger relationship with them? Do you welcome them back with open arms during those times they are 'together'?

 

We have several friends in what we define as stable relationships....common law for several years as well as married couples. How would you view a couple referring to themselves as Mr and Mrs when they aren't married or living together?

 

Just curious to get swinger representative input from what we've witnessed in certain circles

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Similar types of questions have been posted before, tho' not quite in the same way. This is something that I've been thinking about for a while...so...

 

Yawanna...first, "stable relationships" have to be defined by the individual (s). I mean...what I'm thinking is this...we might think we are in the worlds most stable relationship today, but tomorrow, something happens that changes that dramatically. So because today I came across as totally stable and tell you that I am in a stable relationship...and tomorrow something happens to change that...does that mean I lied to you? No, because when I said it, I believed it. And if they have broken up, is it cheating?

 

And too, some people have tumultuous relationships and thrive in those types of relationships. Not necessarily the type of relationship everyone would prefer, but it is "their" relationship to do with as they see fit. It has nothing to do with me unless it somehow impacts me and MY relationship with them. I know one couple that is in the most "stable" relationship imaginable, and I have great admiration for them, but personally, I would die from boredom in the same type of relationship. However, it has worked beautifully for them for many years.

 

As for the living together - common law issues...depends upon the people. Me? I'm 54 years old, and for a variety of reasons, some being financial, it is highly unlikely I will ever remarry. That is not to say that if I met someone that was the most wonderful person in the world for me I would not live with them for the rest of my forevers. And if we did live together, would we be stable and would we be a couple? I think so. Just as much as we would be if we married. But you might not agree, and that would be OK, too. Also...this depends entirely on what you are looking for. If you, as a couple, are looking for a "stable" and "real" relationship with another couple, it might be something to be considered. But again...if you are looking for just sex...do you really care if they are still together 6 months from now?

 

To me...what this boils down to is that in swinging relationships, as most people see it...the relationship between a couple, while important, is not quite as important as the relationship that develops between the two couples involved, or the single person in some cases. I honestly don't believe you can make across the board statements. Each situation has to be examined and assessed individually.

 

Finally...you mentioned breaking up often, cheating, and getting back together. Maybe that is just the way they are and will be forever. My only concern, as it would be in a variety of sexual situations, would stem from the physical safety factors in terms of STD's and the associated increased risks. Again, tho', that is something that is ever-present with those that have multiple partners.

 

My thoughts...

[wrnakedru 38]

Yawanna -

 

Hubby and I use the phrase "Happily MWC ISO Same ... " in our profile and then spell it out specifically as well.

 

It has not kept those who are not "Same" from answering us. We have learned to read responses and profiles paying as much attention to what is NOT said as we do to what IS said. If the topic is not addressed, we ask.

 

Among our friends are some who are not married, for various reasons. But in those instances, the couple has been together exclusively for over two years, some for far longer. All but one live together as well, and their reasons for not doing so are of a business/financial nature. They do, however, entertain together - sometimes at his home, sometimes at hers.

 

We do recognize the fact a couple is married does not mean they have a stable relationship [or even stable personalities].

 

And of course there are those who WILL just flat out lie to others, avowing common grounds when they recognize anything varying is a possible "deal buster".

 

This is just one of many reasons our preference is a "slow" beginning. It provides the opportunity to determine for ourselves just how well a couple seems to mesh, not only with us, but each other as well.

 

It avoids unpleasant surprises when you have the chance to discuss goals, preferences and 'ground rules' with potential playmates. Certainly a helpful basis is knowing you are all bringing the same thing to the table, so to speak.

 

Risking/investing the same/similar level of relationship increases the possibility for success - and a fun, happy, uncomplicated playtime.

 

While we see the possible disadvantages if one gets bogged down in 'over-analysis', we feel the insurance of preliminary time invested is well worth the effort.

 

This is what works for us, and is helpful for what we seek to find.

[yawanna 17]

Quote

Each situation has to be examined and assessed individually.

 

I guess this is my crux of the issue......in swinging situations.... even tho a couple has had or continues to have a tumultuous relationship, and the cheating wasn't a component of a then separation, wherein it wouldn't be cheating perse unless the two had alternative agreements...... in swinging situations...are these people who should be participating?

 

That's my question. Do swinger couples excuse or ignore on and off relationships for the sake of being with a couple for one night...or more for sex? I think a lot of people wondering about or investigating getting involved in swinging have just these questions...I think we need to address them.

 

 

This goes beyond physical, mental or emotional likes and dislikes..this is about choosing appropriate partners for swinging. Aside from momentary - or long term - erectile dysfunctions and not being attracted to someone else for sex...what could cause more damage to a couple venturing into swinging..... the guy that can't get it up...or...the couple you have begun a relationship with break up a number of times and YOU get dragged into the fallout?

 

Is it common, accepted, or expected that we be tolerant of non stable couples. In the general world, yes.. couples have their ups and downs. In the swinger world..should they even be participating?

[VegasLee 1,486]

Laura and I have been together for many years, yet we did not move in together until about 2 years ago. We have never got "married" in the legal terms.

 

Many think we are married at the club and parties we go to, we do not tell them that, they just assume. Many of those that know we are not married say we are more "married" then most married couples. We do not try to deceive anyone about it, if they ask we tell them. Just does not seem to come up in normal conversation with people most of the time.

 

We do not tend to go out looking for a "couple" to play with. We find that is hard to do. Not only do you have to like your SO now you need to find 2 more people that you each like.

 

We do not like drama. If we meet anyone, couples or singles and there appears to be some sort of drama going on, we move on right away. We have seen a few regular couples that go to the same club we do split up. One of the other of them will come back to the club in time, sometimes both. We never ask about what happened and do not feel it is our business and to be honest, we have no desire to know. We will not avoid them but if they start talking in a negitive way about their X we move on. We do not go out to get involved in other people's problems.

 

In "our" lifestyle, we go out to party with people, if they become long term friends that is great, if not, that is ok also with us. We have some great long term friends in the lifestyle and get more all the time but that is not the goal we have when we go out to party.

[yawanna 17]

We will not avoid them but if they start talking in a negitive way about their X we move on

 

Are you saying that if they showed up with another woman/man on their arm..you would play with them? If they didn't speak of their x?

Or if they said (as many do) 'oh we're just taking a break from each other'.

 

Granted...the number of tumultuous couples trying to get into 'swinging' is small (thank gawd) but they do exist and they seem, in my experience, the most predatory and demanding of attention.

 

I agree VegasLee... we don't ask if people are married... we ask how long have they been together, when that information wasn't forthcoming or evident. Committed is committed I was no flag waver for conventional marriage myself, although I did agree to and ultimately did marry Mr Wondeful last April Whatever blows your hair back Just be honest and solid.

 

I don't think any of us get into this to f**ck other people over, but some end up doing so out of blindness or desperation or something? And I think it behooves us to share that information and experience of having been subjected to it? wrnakedru make great statements about who they choose and why, as have you.... it's the commitment of a couple to each other and themselves that you want to be around. We don't get into these activities for problems...most of us anyway

[VegasLee 1,486]

Originally posted by yawanna

Are you saying that if they showed up with another woman/man on their arm..you would play with them? If they didn't speak of their x?

Or if they said (as many do) 'oh we're just taking a break from each other'.

 

The "Lifestyle" is different to everyone we have ever met in it.

 

We do not tend to get involved, or ask about others lives outside of our playing with them. We also tend to play with singles more then couples because we find it hard to find another couple that we both like. If a Man/women starts talking about their SO that is not with him at the party or club, we move on. We do not like to be part of someone's cheating.

 

If someone we know that used to come to parties/club with someone else shows up with someone new, we personally do not feel the reasons for this are our business. We are not part of their personal relationship with who ever the other person might have been.

 

We have also not had to deal with any of our long time Friends breaking up that are in the lifestyle. Just because we know someone from a party or club does not make them our friend.

 

Hope I answered your question here.

 

 

As for the "taking a break from each other". We personally over the years have not ran into that so I can not truthfully answer that part.

[windsor4fun2 130]

Quote

Originally posted by yawanna

and YOU get dragged into the fallout?

 

This would be where a definite line would have to be drawn. Once their tumultuous relationship starts "dragging" people in to their problems they should be history, even once they are back together. I would have the same policy even in a non-swinging situation.

[Alura 2,773]

I agree with Lee. We don't like drama. We've only had it happen one time, when jealousy entered the picture, but I can assure you, if it ever happens again, we will move on as we did the first time.

 

Yes, I think folks who don't have a stable relationship should not be swinging but, again, each must make their own lifestyle decisions. Still, if we knew or even sensed, that there were marital problems with a couple, we would not want to be involved with them. In some cases, we might go to the trouble to verify our feelings if we were not sure.

 

Mr. Alura

[yawanna 17]

If someone we know that used to come to parties/club with someone else shows up with someone new, we personally do not feel the reasons for this are our business. We are not part of their personal relationship with who ever the other person might have been.

 

VegasLee... I think you can help me out here. I have heard a few couples in swinging say they don't care about the couples...real or not..it's just about sex...and the rest is their own problem.

 

We don't want to know the intricacies of their life...however...we do want to know that we won't get burned later with a cheated on wife or husband..it happens.

 

I think I might take a moment to elaborate here...... I have often been shocked by the lack of care taken by 'swingers' as to who their sexual partners are, or their personal relationships. I will share my horrific moment..... years ago I was dating a man. I was in the lifestyle, he was not as of yet. I introduced him to my friends. Some were single women - as I was at the time. I believe in sexual non monogamy so he had free reign...within certain understandings that made us both feel comfy in meeting others whilst particpiating in a swinger lifestyle.

 

No,.,this is not about my now husband.. HE has gonads

 

This particular man.... with my permission...had a sex date with a single woman. He called me and told me that she wanted to go to dinner with him before they met at the motel room. I said no....that's a date..not a sex date - this was a boundary. He said okay. He called again.... said she wanted him to take her to a swinger club.. I said no again...that's a date..not a sex date. He said okay.

 

The next day... I was getting messages from other swinger friends chatting amiably about seeing my 'date' and his 'date' at the swinger club the night before. People assumed I knew as they knew we were dating. I did not and in fact I was lied to. Blatantly. Needless to say... that man and I were not long for this world

 

My point (I do have one) is that I was horrified that I had been treated that way, by my own 'community'... who took what HE had to say as verbatim and truth. I truly wished someone had asked about the situation (why are you with her when you're supposedly seeing someone else). He in fact offered up that he was 'freaked' the whole time that someone would ask him just that.. because he knew he was 'cheating'.

 

People have reason to be trepidatious about getting into this lifestyle, and I was very hurt by what was done to me, and it gets my back up a bit when I see people taking little or no care for the motivations of others trying, and sometimes succeeding, in becoming involved.

 

There is a lot of talk of getting to know couples and their situations, then there are a lot of couples saying they don't ask when someone is not the original partner, or they arrive unescorted when previously you believed them to be a married person.

 

Why don't we ask 'what's up ?

[VegasLee 1,486]

Originally posted by yawanna

VegasLee... I think you can help me out here. I have heard a few couples in swinging say they don't care about the couples...real or not..it's just about sex...and the rest is their own problem.

 

We don't want to know the intricacies of their life...however...we do want to know that we won't get burned later with a cheated on wife or husband..it happens.

 

Why don't we ask 'what's up ?

 

I enjoy these talks we have here.

 

First part: I don't want to think of myself as a non caring person so not sure that is the right word. If there is a couple that we see and have interest in and can tell they are not comfortable with each other, or bickering with each other then no, we are not going to play with that couple. (drama, we don't want it)

 

Second part: I WON'T get burned by them later. I will not allow it. I am known as being very upfront and out spoken with people. I have and will adivse people do not blame your problems with your SO on me, I do not make their choices. Now saying that, I do my best to read people and watch for upcoming Drama because I do not want it. I do my best to not put myself in a position to have to tell them to get their own act together before involving me.

 

Last: Why don't we ask? Is it really any of my business what your agreements may or may not be in your personal life?

 

example: We have a Male friend that is a "part time couple". His lady friend lives in another state but comes to Vegas once or twice a month. The come to the club we do when she is in town. He also comes there on the weekends she is not in town, sometimes alone, sometimes with another women. (never the same one twice) I never felt it was my right, or concern to ask him how his "regular" lady felt about this. At a party one night she made a comment about one of the other ladies that she knew he was there with and told me it was ok for him to do that. I never asked but she felt the need to tell me anyway.

 

My question to you would be: What gives me the right to confront your "other" and ask him if he is lying or cheating on you if I know you two are dating?

 

I can tell you I would not have the desire to do so. Back to being I do not personally feel it is any of my business what agreements you have with him in your relationship. Now if we KNEW for sure by being with you that you two where still together and KNEW for sure that he was cheating, we would not play with him. That would be our choice though. Not for the fear of betraying you, but because we will not be party to someone cheating if we are aware of it.

[Chicup 41]

Rule #1 - Must be married.

Rule #2 - Must be happily married.

Rule #3 - Must have been together a number of years (I'd say 5+).

 

Red flags for us is when people say they have been together for 1-2 years, as they may not be married, or stable. I personally think that you need time together alone for a true committed marriage and if you are basically newly weds and swinging it just doesn't feel right. I know I wouldn't have dreamed of letting another man touch my wife the first few years we were together, and its only maturity that comes with time that I feel works for swinging. Now of course this is just my feelings about it, but my wife and I were together something like 10 years before we started, and it was only after a LOT of talking.

 

Now obviously there will be exceptions to this, but I'd rather err on the side of caution.

[fun_pairTX 26]

I have to deal with flakes and nuts all day and night in the music biz. I ain't gonna play with them too. We prefer stable yet off the wall people, kinda like us. EBF and Mrs WRNKD can explain if necessary.

[yawanna 17]

VegasLee: I enjoy this, too

 

Are you suggesting a case of don't ask but make a decision based on information only when and if it's offered?

 

I don't think it's untoward to ask a man escorting the women he is NOT dating to a swinger club, if the previous shall we say Date-ee is not present?

 

If cheating is so unsavoury to many, why not check that you aren't a participant in that cheating by playing with people you haven't talked with beyond 'hi!

 

I, too, am fairly outspoken and upfront, and I am quick to correct people or assert my boundaries. But why end up in that position when it could have been avoided by a few well chosen questions.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Interesting question and it brought up another thought that I'm going to post to a new topic (if I can still remember what it is by the time I finish this post).

 

Regarding stability. It really does come down to how they present themselves when they are there with you. We had met a couple several years back that seemed great... when they were together. As we got to know them we learned a lot more about their lives and it was quite complicated. We dealt with the complications fine until they (mostly she) started putting us in the middle of it. Basically, every time that they would get in a fight (which was often) she'd decide to take off and come visit us. It was fine at first... until the time she was staying with us was lasting longer than the time she was staying at home.... and her staying with us started affecting our lives at home... thing it caused problems.

 

Swinging was never so much an issue here as was friendship. We were friends with them and did what we would do for any friends. The same goes with any relationship (swinging or not). It's not our business, until you make it our business.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Originally posted by yawanna

Are you suggesting a case of don't ask but make a decision based on information only when and if it's offered?

 

I don't think it's untoward to ask a man escorting the women he is NOT dating to a swinger club, if the previous shall we say Date-ee is not present?

 

If cheating is so unsavoury to many, why not check that you aren't a participant in that cheating by playing with people you haven't talked with beyond 'hi!

 

I, too, am fairly outspoken and upfront, and I am quick to correct people or assert my boundaries. But why end up in that position when it could have been avoided by a few well chosen questions.

 

yawanna

 

As in the example I gave before. I do not and did not feel it was my place at any time to ask the "male" why he sometimes came to the club with a different women, and when I saw the women did not feel it was my place to tell her that he does come there with other women. She did feel at some point the need to explain to me that it was all ok with her and that she knew about the other women.

 

I am not one that gets into others personal relationships. Just me I guess. I figure it is none of my business.

 

Also, if it is really a "friend" of mine, they would not put me in the position in the first place. We do not consider everyone that we hang out with at the club a friend.

[OhioCouple 40]

We don't really consider stability as something that is defined as marriage, however we do consider the years togther. Like Chicup, we agree that a certain amount of time is needed to stabalize yourself as a couple, whether you were swinging prior to your relationship or not. In our opinion this cannot be accomplished in even as little as a couple/three years. Those formative years in a relationship are what will bind your future and to us there is no room for extra parties.

 

As in everyday walks of life, prior relationships will have his friends, her friends and when they haven't meshed those into 'their' friends, that is a real danger signal to us. To us that cannont be accomplished for the two worlds to mesh in such a short period of time, swinging or non.

 

As for a couple that exhibits problems, we are like VegasLee, it isn't our business, however we make the decision as to whether or not we will play with them. It is never a problem as we CHOOSE not to. It doesn't mean that we don't have to be unfriendly to them, we just don't desire to get involved in their dramatic changes....therefore we are never involved in their personal issues. We had one couple that attempted that with us and we quickly dropped them. While we never said why, I think they got the message.

[heandshecpl 15]

Quote

Originally posted by yawanna

My point (I do have one) is that I was horrified that I had been treated that way, by my own 'community'... who took what HE had to say as verbatim and truth. I truly wished someone had asked about the situation (why are you with her when you're supposedly seeing someone else).

 

We two at the time heard you going on and on about this shouting from the rooftops to any in our community who would listen, the reason our community chose to ignore you was your reputation, at the time you were a single female who was hotheaded and would fight and argue with anyone and everyone in our local swing chatrooms,(one even went members only to avoid you) we had to listen to you fight and have problems with the many single men you dated, so this was not the first time, more like "oh here we go again" and it did not stop even after you found one of these single guys to marry you We find it funny that after 3-4 years? you now come to an American message board asking the same question in search of the answer our local community could and would not give you because of your rep.

 

But to answer the original question, we do not ask if a couple is married, dating, etc..if they choose to tell us fine, its about attraction for us and spontaneity.

[yawanna 17]

My question to this board was fairly succinct I believe....and follows many other threads, posts and discussions here about just this topic; people using other people for personal sexual and social gratification with no regard or respect for other's dignity.

 

Much of the troubles with chatrooms, and with a good portion of our local swinger community, is that nothing untoward about swinging is to ever be discussed, or debated. If one chatroom decided to go members only, more power to them. As I don't own, operate, or am made privy to or make the decisions about chatrooms, I would think the people that DO have enough brain power (maybe I'm giving them undue credit) make their own decisions about how they run their online activities, did so.

 

None of the locals that you watched in chatrooms wanted to address the extremely bad behaviour of one particular participant, beyond telling me in private I was dead on and yes it was not accepted behaviour. It's been going on for years now and while I long ago left that particular situation, it was still bad enough and allowed to continue into so many other lives, that yes, damn straight I ask about it in places that I respect the input of others. Notice that I am not participating in any of those sites, and haven't for quite a long time. The best course of action was to remove myself, and I did.

 

Yes I was a single female participating in swinger activities, whilst having my career and a busy social life that included other risque activities (circuit clubs) and vanilla friends and dates. My husband has posted about how neither of us was looking for a second marriage, and how it came to be that we eventually did marry. Quite frankly, that's my personal life and that information is only for ME and HIM to share...not for others to comment on in a public message board.

 

You betcha I'm on this swingers message board, which btw has a number of Canadians participating, you and I included. I truly want to know, and I believe others do, too..what kind of behaviour can be expected from others in the community. As my only 'bad' experience has been via the chatrooms that you seem to 'know' me from long ago, I value this present message board and the input of the many people who aren't from our small local community, with all it's politics and 'sshhhhhh' behaviours.

 

Expanding one's horizons and learning from experience..,...it's a good thing

[heandshecpl 15]

Quote

Originally posted by yawanna

My question to this board was fairly succinct I believe

. Quite frankly, that's my personal life and that information is only for ME and HIM to share...not for others to comment on in a public message board.

 

Oh we are sorry, we answered your original question, but just also gave you some insight as to why, our community chose to ignore your flame of yet another person in the lifestyle you were fighting with.

 

After reading your web site that is public, it appears you do not spare much about other peoples personal lives, maybe those who agreed with you in private did so outta fear of having there personal lives exposed on your PUBLIC website for not agreeing with you.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Quote

Originally posted by heandshecpl

Oh we are sorry, we answered your original question, but just also gave you some insight as to why, our community chose to ignore your flame of yet another person in the lifestyle you were fighting with.

 

After reading your web site that is public, it appears you do not spare much about other peoples personal lives, maybe those who agreed with you in private did so outta fear of having there personal lives exposed on your PUBLIC website for not agreeing with you.

 

Personally, I find it quite interesting that you have made about 9 posts on this board and all of them have been derogatory and flaming towards yawanna. It would seem that your primary interests here is to berate this particular board member.

 

It is true that yawanna frequently ask probing and complex questions, allowing many of us the opportunity to think through certain subjects we may not have given thought to before. Some of these questions may stem from other experiences in other locations, but also, maybe she, like myself and others, has developed herself in this lifestyle, enabling her to give greater thought to specific topics.

 

Quite frankly, most of us here tend to develop opinions and judge people on the merit of what is presented HERE rather than in other and previous aspects of their lives. All of us have made mistakes along the way, and most of us have benefited from those mistakes. I believe yawanna is the same.

 

For one, I would appreciate it if you would take your personal issues with yawanna off this board and allow the Swingersboard members to form their own opinons based upon what is presented here. I don't need a brothers keeper and I don't think others do, either. If nothing else, it strikes me is being childish and spoil-sport.

[heandshecpl 15]

Quote

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

Quite frankly, most of us here tend to develop opinions and judge people on the merit of what is presented HERE rather than in other and previous aspects of their lives. All of us have made mistakes along the way, and most of us have benefited from those mistakes. I believe yawanna is the same.

 

I agree, but what is presented HERE is not what is presented in our local community and on her PUBLIC website, don't let her pull the wool over your eyes too

 

But upon further review, its better she stay here and stand on her soapbox because our community is fed up with her and banished her to asking "why this" and "why that" to Americans because we were sick of it, but read her personal Public website and keep in mind how much info and pictures you share with her, because if you cross her, or disagree with her, you will end up on it

 

We Canadians are proud of our exports like Mike Meyers and Jim Carey but not this one eh!

[yawanna 17]

I guess I'm just continuing to be curious... BUT if the amount of time a couple have been together is a barometer for choosing to interact with them....why don't more people ask that couple about their stability or the extent of their relationship?

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Quote

Originally posted by yawanna

I guess I'm just continuing to be curious... BUT if the amount of time a couple have been together is a barometer for choosing to interact with them....why don't more people ask that couple about their stability or the extent of their relationship?

 

As I think I said before, the length of time a couple has been together is not as important as their relationship. Certainly, it can be assumed that length of time together is some sort of barometer of their relationship, but that is only an assumption. I've never looked at this, but wonder...what are the divorce stats in terms of couples that have been married 5, 10, 20, 30 years?

Maybe because of my age, but I know tons of people that have divorced after 20-30 years. And would we have not "assumed," after those years together, they were "stable."

 

And also...if you asked someone that question directly..."Are you stable in your relationship?"...would you expect them to say, "No."

My best guess is that most people either THINK they are stable when they enter swinging, or...maybe they are just there to see how many people they can have sex with. Either way...those are decisions the individual players have to make based upon their interactions with each other.

 

Unfortunately, life changes for all of us...what worked before no longer works, etc. Bottom line...as I said in the very beginning...I believe you have to make your assessments and draw your conclusions based upon what you see TODAY...and those are by necessity, on-going assessments.

 

Yawanna!!! It is Saturday!!! Don't make me think!!!!

[wrnakedru 38]

I think that [probably to our own detriment at times] most of us believe ourselves to be perceptive, and fairly decent judges of character, etc.

 

A few well chosen questions might shed light into corners otherwise undetected. And could save ourselves the self-examination available with the clarity of hindsight. :slam"

 

I think in this scenario I try to risk having to taste my feet [again] versus the horrible sick in the pit of my stomach feeling when I had an opportunity to ask - and didn't - trusting my gut instincts. Maybe it was indigestion!

 

As I said in my prior post, hubby and I do prefer the opportunity to acquaint ourselves with possible playmates in a variety of circumstances that bring to the forefront potential areas of difficulty. Chickens? Maybe - -

 

Guess we'd rather think we're being smart!

[heandshecpl 15]

This is similar to the original question. For us when we are at a swingers club, dancing letting our hair down and we meet a couple and there is an instant click and sexual sparks amongst the four of us and the couple seems to be enjoying themselves, we are NOT about to spoil the mood by bringing out a checklist of questions, Are you married? how long?..living together? How long? You two always get along? When was the last time you had a argument? What's your mother's maiden name?

 

For us it is about spontaneity, it is that initial vibe, spark that happens when in a sexually charged club atmosphere.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Quote

Originally posted by heandshecpl

For us its about spontaneity its that initial vibe, spark that happens when in a sexually charged club atmosphere.

 

Some good points, heandshecpl...and answered from your perspective as club goers. As I've stated many times on this board, I'm not a club goer because I don't do well in those types of situations. For me personally, it works to get to know people rather well. Just differences. But those types of differences is exactly what makes it hard to objectively answer these types of questions. What works best for me is not necessarily the best for you, etc.

 

Now...along the lines of questions and the checklist...like you, I'm not going to directly "ask" those types of questions as I get to know people I may want to play with at a later time. But as in any relationship or interaction with people, you get a bunch of information through indirect questions and observations.

 

Just my thoughts...

[yawanna 17]

Is it truly that we want to know how the couple are at that moment and nothing else matters. Granted no one has control over what they do at any other given time, and I appreciate Vegas Lee (sorry I misspelled that earlier *embarrassed*) saying that they don't tolerate fall out drama.

 

We did the best we could at the time

[wrnakedru 38]

Quote

Originally posted by heandshecpl For us it is about spontaneity, it is that initial vibe, spark that happens when in a sexually charged club atmosphere.

 

One of the positive aspects of the lifestyle is the diversity - and this makes for the availability of somebody out there for everybody.

 

I agree that the atmosphere of a nightclub situation is not conducive to in-depth conversation - heck, sometimes it is difficult to hear each other, even!

 

I am not sure if you are referring to on-premises clubs, or off-premises. I don't have any experience re: on-premises, this not being the environment for activity that hubby and I seek.

 

And since all seek varying goals/gratifications for themselves, there certainly are a variety of possible avenues to follow in order to obtain them.

 

All need to follow the path most well suited to themselves - and not be pushed [or pulled] into activity prematurely. It risks the success of the overall experience.

[yawanna 17]

 I hear ya wrnakedru... is the not asking for particulars, even if you get pertinent information visa vi informal conversation, not a part of choosing who your play partners will be?

 

We had one night of meeting friends at a club and this one man, with a date..who I didn't know the status of their relationship, yet... was very hot to trot with me. So ... i asked. I was told that was his date for the night and he was in the process of a divorce with another woman. This sent up 'check it out' flags for me. I didn't want to hurt her or do anything to come between then. As others have said, sometimes they go to clubs to be voyeurs. I determined to speak to the woman directly.

 

The last thing I want to do is interfere in a relationship..and the only way to ensure that, is to ask the one or two pertinent questions. It in no way needs to be a Jeopardy episode

[Alura 2,773]

We still think offering to share your body outside your marriage should entail sharing of minds. If we can't get to know someone, whether it be their failure to share their thoughts with us or a noisy bar, we ain't a-playin', Pardner! We look for married couples (although our attitude has softened toward single women since we've gotten to know some pretty special people in that category) who love each other and want to share minds as well as bodies.

 

Somehow, a single man and his date of the evening just don't fall into our idea of what swinging is all about. It sounds like he's found a "ticket" to us, and we want no part of it. Of course, we try to not do "one night stands," too. Perhaps that's why clubs, particularly on-premises ones, have not been our choice and will likely not ever be.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

One of the first questions we always asked when we met a new couple (in a one couple on one couple situation) was how long have you been together. Not how long have you been married. And that was usually followed or preceded with how long have you been swinging.

 

On the other hand when we were at clubs and would meet people that question pretty much never got asked until much later.