Wife is unsecure with her body

[bandj 23]

Been a member on this site for a long time and we never experienced the lifestyle...but wife says she's not ready..I recently had a conversation with her and she says she is very unsecure with her body, she is in progress to loose weight and exercise (she is doing great) but I always thought her dody is great,  a few pounds here and there, but considering our age it's expected.

My question to this community is: how common is this feeling from women or men for that manner, to hinder the start of this lifestyle?

(By the way she says when she feels good about her body we can start)

Thank you for your responses.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Sadly, I think it is extremely common...and very much misguided, but that doesn't make it any easier to get past that in your head.  The majority of swingers are looking for chemistry first and foremost.  Yes, for some, appearance is high on the list, but for the majority it's the other way around, what most attracts them to someone is personality and what's inside, not the wrapper.

 

 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

This is not just an issue for the LS, of course. It affects all aspects of human interaction. Healthy norms and social norms are not necessarily aligned. The "average" American woman is size 16 in dress sizes. 

 

There is the myth that every woman in the LS is a pinup model, every man is a cross between Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and {your screen idol here}. It just isn't that way. If you want to see what the LS world looks like, imagine yourself at the mall, at a community meeting, in a restaurant...and look around. That's the physical piece of it. 

 

Where LS people tend to be a bit different is that they look forward to having a bit of fun. Bear in mind that 2/3 - 3/4  of the world are introverts, and that is no different for the LS world. LS people do, however, make a conscious decision that they are going to have fun, and that begins my setting aside their self-perceived vulnerabilities and 'putting themselves out there' socially. 

 

Among the many rituals of the LS is 'getting dressed up for the date'. Part of that is a conscious decision to make the body each of us is assigned look, feel and smell and taste great. Having date nights 'just for you' --getting dressed up for each other -- is a way to start. What you'll find is that others at the restaurant or whatever will pay attention to your spouse and that sort of gentle flirting feels great. 

 

Ultimately, it's the conversation that really makes people interesting...or not. The body part that is actually the most important is the one that lies between the ears. 

[padoc 1,703]

What has surprised us over the last 15 years is how very secure most of the women know are with their bodies. They can dress in a teasingly sexual manner, get undressed with (or be undressed by) a new partner or couple, have sex and orgasms in front of their spouse or others and then take a naked walk to the bathroom, to clean up or repair make-up, or to the kitchen to rehydrate. When we started exploring recreational sex, Mrs Doc was initially nervous about taking her clothing off at a club or a party or even a nude beach. What she told me during our first trip to Desire was that it was a revelation to her that no matter where we went or what we did, there was always someone with bigger boobs, or smaller boobs, a flatter tummy or a bigger tummy, or someone older or younger (this happens a lot now). And those other women were noticing the same things. Add to the fact that there were almost always guys, couples or women who looked at her and who wanted to have sex with her. It will be the same for your wife BANDJ. The first time or two she'll be nervous but it gets easier with each new experience. 

[udsarge 119]

Do you think that the lack of confidence is an over-reaction to the fear of being judged or is it a little bit of a reality, especially for those who may be on the BBW side of things? For example my wife is a big gal (24 to 26 range) and if people are already afraid of being judged are in the size 16ish range, isn't it warranted for bigger gals to be a little worried?

[bandj 23]

Thank you for great feedback on this topic my suspicion is that once we actually start and all the attention she'll be getting, her self confidence will improve...now to get her started..and everyone is correct personality rules ..and no one's is perfect in reality....

[njbm 2,868]

Frankly, I have lost weight intentionally over the last few years. Partially for my health and appearance, partially for my wife and partially to enhance our lifestyle prospects. Win, win, win.  

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

50 minutes ago, njbm said:

Frankly, I have lost weight intentionally over the last few years. Partially for my health and appearance, partially for my wife and partially to enhance our lifestyle prospects. Win, win, win.  

Anything you do for your health will make you feel great, and that helps all relationships. When we feel bad, we feel badly about ourselves: we feel not only unloved but unworthy of being loved. The reverse is true: when we are healthy, we feel healthy about who we are; we feel attractive, or at least worthy of being in the game. . 

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Mrs Idaho has/had major body issues. I never suggested swinging because I knew she wouldn't go for it. So when she proposed it I was more than surprised. This has been one of the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us. Her whole demeanor has changed and for the positive. She is more confident. The LS community really is as excepting as everyone says it is. Your wife will find that age and weight are numbers and everything you worried about aren't really all that important. And as far as our relationship.... we are like a couple of teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other. It's a process and everyone goes at their own pace. 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

It's a confidence thing. Start with you complimenting her for how she looks on a regular basis, then work towards visiting a swingers club (with plans on not doing ANYTHING except visiting and looking). Once she sees that there really are EVERY TYPE of person there (not just a bunch of 'beautiful people') and that they are all getting some attention, she should start realizing that she is 'better' (in one way or another) than lots of the people already there. We've said this dozens of times as it really is a problem (especially with women), just do a search, but she will feel much better once she understands that swingers are really just regular people. Next time you are at the market, realize that swingers are just like everyone else currently in the store...just naked...and much friendlier.

[PSULioness 839]

On 5/6/2020 at 11:32 AM, bandj said:

Been a member on this site for a long time and we never experienced the lifestyle...but wife says she's not ready.

First how long have you been here at what information have you gained? 

If your wife isn’t ready then she isn’t ready. Her body might just be an excuse. People say I’m crazy when I complain about my own body. I think every woman thinks her body isn’t what she wants it to be. 

If you ever went to a clothing optional beach or pool you know there are very few perfect bodies. 

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Have you looked into a local meet and greet? We highly recommend it. A group event usually held in vanilla location. A low pressure way to meet new people. And they will look exactly like anyone else at the bar. We live in an EXTREMELY conservative area. And while we do change locations most everyone thinks we are all friends from work. Once in awhile after a few drinks it is quite to see 2 couples leave at the same time. 

[couplers 4,614]

"Wife is unsecure with her body"

 

I clicked on this post to see if you mean "unsecure."  I believe you mean "insecure," rather than the possibility that her body being stolen away.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

On 5/20/2020 at 2:21 PM, couplers said:

"Wife is unsecure with her body"

 

I clicked on this post to see if you mean "unsecure."  I believe you mean "insecure," rather than the possibility that her body being stolen away.

Way back when, I decided that I was going to the the language, style, spelling, and grammar policeman for Swingersboard. Did not work well. I resigned. 

[couplers 4,614]

17 hours ago, SW_PA_Couple said:

Way back when, I decided that I was going to the the language, style, spelling, and grammar policeman for Swingersboard. Did not work well. I resigned. 

I don't gratuitously correct spelling and grammar, and perhaps I am easily confused, but sometimes things aren't written the way the author intended.  Just yesterday I saw a headline that read "Woman gets shot at bicycle race." ?  Since I cycle a lot, I opened it up wondering who would take a gun to a bicycle race and what cause him/her to shoot someone.  Turns out, the woman was a good cyclist and qualified to participate in the race.  The headline should have been written, "Woman gets opportunity to participate in bicycle race."

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Hated grammar in school and I understood what they were asking. If we start having the grammar police here, the moral police probably won't be too far behind.

 

BandJ: Any update? If she says she isn't ready, and she is using body issues as just an excuse, then you need to honor her wishes. Never move at a speed faster than the slowest member is comfortable with.

[Guest]

I didn’t really get comfortable with my body and sexuality until we started swinging.  My confidence in dealing with men just increased so very much then, both in sexual and business situations.

 

[Numex 2,409]

We only play with friends, so no clubs for us, but I would suspect that if you two go and put yourselves out and she indicates that she is available, there will be no shortage of guys who will be willing to do whatever it is that she wants.  That should be an ego boost. 

[bandj 23]

I've been respecting her wishes and yes  we do have a good comunication on this topic (which comes up often) she is giving herself another year to reach her goal weight. And yes I'm a firm beliver that when we go & meet others in lifestyle she'll feel more confident. 

[MrMrsswinger 202]

Mrs here - I'm noticed it more with women than men in our interactions. We are was too judgmental of ourselves and others. As the Mr tells me all the time, it really isn't about looks, though everyone has a certain type (s) they're attracted to, rather it is about fun. Does the couple we're talking with sound like a fun time? A few extra pound on him or her doesn't change a great time. On the flip side, we've met some super hot couples, model types, who were an absolute bore. 

 

We bring others into our encounters to enhance them. It is about a great time, not what the scale says.

 

[enhancer 1,584]

It is completely normal for women to feel insecure about their body!  After all they spend their life being objectified and judged based on their looks by ignorant men.  Can’t tell you how many times I have heard men saying rude shit about a woman’s size when they stand there with their own fat belly hanging over their pants. I have no problem telling them to stfu and take a look in the mirror. 
 

The good news is that the women are the ones with the control in the lifestyle and none of them are left feeling unwanted or undesirable. There is always going to be someone that wants them.  The men on the other hand are the ones that are going to have to put a little more effort into themselves if they don’t want to feel like the ones not wanted. 

 

Good on your wife for putting the effort into her own health and doing the things it takes to get there.  It is a trait I admire in anyone regardless of their size.  It will also build up her self esteem better then anyone else could ever do.  The world has more then enough people that just don’t seem to care about their own personal health. 
 

As for getting into the swing thing the others that are saying do it at whatever pace she is comfortable with are correct.  The outcome will not be good if you don’t.

[Fla-swing99 136]

Well I can tell you that her being insecure with how she looks is not uncommon, in fact its sadly very common.  I myself experienced the same concerns regardless of how much or how often my husband tells me I look good, sexy, hot, etc.  Remember, most people are their own worst enemy when it comes to body image and society makes it even worse.  

 

First, I would ask if she would really start and try swinging if she felt better about herself or is that a convenient way to keep from having to do something she might not want to do.  I am not saying thats the case, just offering one possibility.

 

As a woman we are always judged on how we look, how our ass or tits look, do we have nice eyes, is our hair long enough, do we have a cute tiny waist line, and the list goes on and on.  If she is working on improving her figure the I applaud her and would suggest you help her out by encouraging her as much as you can.  However, you may find that there will never come a time where she finds herself satisfied with her body/figure.  As a woman, we always seem to find something wrong with how we look.  

 

Whats more important is what some of the others have said in their replies, the most important part is whats between the ears.  Most people are looking for a connection with others they meet.  Now, regardless of how many times you tell her that it will still be difficult for her to understand and more importantly accept that as fact and I say that from my own personal experience.  Just try to understand where she is coming from, continue to encourage her and most important ensure she knows how much you love her regardless of how critical she may be about her own body.  

[JessicaJamison 861]

It is so hard for us to get out of our own head so we can enjoy sex, its a lot.  And if you are doing threesums or same room swaps, that means there will be an audience, which is not always appreciated.  Instead of focusing on the dick inside of you we are focused on whether we look sexy or fat, can they see our cellulite, are my thighs and ass shaking to much while we fuck, am I being to quiet, am I being too loud, is my husband gonna be jealous cause I seemed to enjoy it way to much.  Etc.  Cut her some slack.  Maybe branch the topic of separate room swaps in the beginning so she can relax.  

[discreetplay 235]

Jessica said it right, we get into our own heads. 

 

I agree with what MrMrs said...it is about having a good time. A super fit, super hot couple (or single) doesn't automatically make for a good time. I'm not super fit but I like to have a good time, whether it be the husband, wife or both at the same time. 

 

Mr....my two cents....I've had girlfriends in the past that were super hot and a complete snooze in bed. Yes, younger men want that super model look, but as we mature and realize that reality isn't a photoshopped magazine photo. Reality is a woman with a few pounds more than they probably want but is open to a wonderful time, willing to blow like a champ, ride like a cowgirl and have fun. The hottest women I've been with aren't the ones who spend hours in the gym. Instead they're the ones who spend hours having a great time in the bedroom, are fun, outgoing, happy, etc. 

 

I'm not as fit as I was when I was in my 20's, when I went to the gym 10 times a week (not even close). I learned a long time ago that the guys on the cover of magazines aren't real, like the girls in the magazines. I had a friend who looked like the cover of every Men's Health. He ate pizza, barely worked out...genetics. He knew he was lucky because he was lazy but looked amazing. I never looked anywhere near as good as he did and I worked hard to. 

 

You'll never convince your wife she looks good. I imagine you tell her she's hot all the time. She needs to get out of her own way. Eat better. Go for a run. Don't expect to look like a super model. Few people expect that. Seriously, very few people in the lifestyle expect the fantasy. They expect a good time with a regular guy, woman, couple, etc.