Pregnant with another guy - not a happy ending

[Anonymous173 1]

This is going to be a long story, but I feel like it is important to tell it and get it off my chest.

 

I (female, bi-curios 23yo) and my now fiancé (male, straight 28 yo) have been together for about 6 and a half years, basically since I was 16. 

We started talking about the the swinging life since I was 18 and a year later we decided to give it a try.

 

A little bit of chronology, for the sake of the story. My first ever encounter was with a much older guy of about 45 years, which at the time I thought that being more mature and experienced would be better, it wasn’t bad bot not great either. Then a younger guy of about 28 years, followed by a couple of around the same age. 

 

We took a break for a while and decided to try again when we were in holiday in Amsterdam, I hooked up with 3 different guys and another couple, all in a week worth of time. My fiancé, which I will call AG, is more of a cockhold type of guy, he participates whenever he wants, but mostly likes to watch.

 

Forward to a few months later, in the beginning of summer of 2018, I was approached over Facebook by this sweet and good looking guy, saying he found me on a dating site but wasn’t a paying member so he searched by my first name (not a common name in the country I live in, and not wise of me either - lesson learned). He seemed like a really decent human being, probably the first one that didn’t started the conversation with a dick pic. 

 

We talked for a while and thought we had a good chemistry, it turned out he also lived like 3-400m away from me. Me and AG talked about it and he agreed to give me more freedom and meet with this guy alone, if I felt like it. After a few days of talking, I decided to sneak out of the house and give it a try, not knowing if I’ll end up having a good time or get myself murdered. 

 

Now, I am the shy type, so sneaking out while AG while sleeping was my way of not feeling guilty of wanting to meet with another man and also not keeping him awake all night thinking of what might or might not happen. 

 

Even though he lived close by, I took the car and drove to the address he gave me, which was a quiet and dark-ish neighbourhood. I couldn’t see the house numbers so I asked him to get out. Out of nowhere he knocked on the passenger window and I got out. I was scared shitless, partly because it felt weird to meet with him, partly because I had no idea of what I’m getting myself into.

 

We went inside the house and talked for a few good hours. He had this deep but soft voice, talking softly and try to get me to calm down as I was very shy. As much as I liked it, we speak different languages as mother tongues, so him almost whispering in English made it really difficult to understand him at times. 

 

We laid down on the sofa after a while and he began to softly touch me, running his hand from top to bottom ever so gently, I could almost say he treated me like I was fragile, at the time. He slowly pulled my dress up and began touching me so soft yet firm.  I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but we went into his bedroom, he tied my hands, blindfolded me and fucked my brains out. Even though I was shy, I like the rough sex and being used, so he was well aware of that. 

 

I must admit, AG is not that great when it comes to size, but he does his best. This guy had a really nice dick, which I deeply enjoyed feeling deep inside me. We fucked until around 5 AM when he had to leave for work shortly after. While I was getting dressed, I couldn’t find my panties so I left without them - when I told him about it later on, making it seem like I am not sure, he denied having them, which I found a bit weird, but both me and AG laughed about it and moved on.

 

I went home to my sleeping fiancé and told him everything that happened, he was amazed that I actually had the guts to do it. He got horny, we fucked and went to sleep.

 

Now, I kept talking with this guy and we ended up being some kind of friends with benefits. I actually liked him so much, I got attached to him and ignored every red flag about him, and let me tell you they were plenty. I think we fucked like 2 more times and I met with him just to give him a blowjob once or twice, can’t remember exactly, before he went silent for a few good months. 

 

I often felt that I was taken for a fool or that he ignored me, he would agree to meet just for him to cancel last minute and give me lame excuses, like he had a zipper accident and his dick is bleeding or that his grandmother died (maybe she did, maybe she didn’t). Now, I am one that usually knows a bullshit when I see one, but I decided to ignore it and think it was all in my head, because I liked him that much and he was really sweet but only when it suited him. I enjoyed talking to him or having his attention,  therefore why I acted with my pussy and not with my brain. 

 

Fast forward to a few months later, he texted me out of nowhere, saying he went through a rough period (he has lupus, or so he says) and made it seem like it was related to his illness. Of course, he was again nice and sweet and I fell for him, again. 

 

I invited him over to our house, even though AG was not so thrilled about it - he is a graphic designer and was working from home for an important project, so he just said hello, met the guy and went back into his office. He wasn’t happy about him coming over, but I acted selfishly and he agreed for my sake. I actually found out later he didn’t really liked the guy when he met him, but I seemed happy with him so he went along and didn’t wanted to be the “I told you so” guy. I ended up giving him a blowjob and he left shortly after. 

 

Now, we all had this fantasy in which he would cum deep inside me, and we thought about it for almost a year up to that point, so we decided to make it happen. AG did it twice and the Plan B worked for me with no problems. Said and done, I went to him and ended up fucking for all night until early morning. I left his house with his cum dripping down my panties, still warm when I got home. AG jumped on me and needless to say, he cummed inside me as well, I took a picture of my dripping pussy which I sent to that guy but with no response, and then I went to sleep. 

 

He went to the drug store as soon as it opened to purchase the Plan B, he woke me up, I took the pill and went back to sleep. 

 

Now, we had to leave to Wien as one of AG’s clients had a launch party for his business and invited us over with all expenses paid for. We planned to go to our homeland for a month after that, so I texted this guy if he’s up for a blowjob before I leave, again with no response.

 

We partied, we drank and enjoyed the green stuff (not sure if mentioning what it is exactly is allowed here), we had a really good time while in Wien but it was exhausting and was looking forward to go to my homeland and relax. Shortly after I became really tired, many times I fell asleep in the middle of the day from feeling exhausted of doing nothing. Pregnancy went through my mind, but I didn’t took it seriously. My period was late and never came, but I always had issues with the timing of my period, a long time ago it skipped a month without any reason so I just though it was one of these times and didn’t gave it any more thought. 

 

The whole month I was in my homeland I refused to take a test, partly because I didn’t wanted to ruin the time spent with my family, partly because I couldn’t accept the reality of the situation. 

 

As soon as we came back in the country we live in, I immediately took 2 tests which took literally seconds to show a positive result. My world shattered, I couldn’t believe it was true. I threw the tests in the trash just to find myself later looking for them in the garbage because they were mine to keep.

 

We talked about it and decided to make an appointment with my GP which took about 1 week or so. I and AG thought that guy is the baby father (I literally had his cum inside me for 10-15 at least and yes, it was a lot of it) and all I wanted was to talk to him and inform him about all this. However, AG had a different opinion and thought it’s best if he doesn’t know, saying it’s pointless for him to know if I decide to terminate it and so I decided to keep him out of it.

 

During the examination, my GP said I might be more further into the pregnancy than I thought and scheduled me for an ultrasound with the OB-GYN the next day, informing me that the legal limit to get an abortion is 12 weeks and I am close, if not past that, which then would be legally binding to continue to term.

 

Next day I went to the hospital for my appointment and was asked if I want to see the fetus, I nodded and I think I saw my baby for maybe less than 3 seconds before I lost it and I bursted into tears, when he turned the screen away and I never saw it again. The doctor confirmed I was close to the limit, but asked for a supervisor to come and check on me and give an opinion. They confirmed I was 12w4d and that if I wanted to proceed, it had to happen the next day or it would be too late. They mentioned the baby had a strong beating heart and seems healthy, which broke me into pieces. I was so heartbroken, I think the doctors had pity on me, they showed a lot of compassion afterwards and informed me that if I wish to continue the pregnancy, I just need to give them a call and not show up the next day.

 

I cried the whole day, we weighted all the options, AG was very supportive and said he would be by my side regardless of what I choose, but will never be able to love the baby as his own, after all how could he. 

 

I decided to continue with the abortion, sobbing the whole time and and making everyone around me sad, you could see it in their faces they felt sorry for me, regardless  if they knew what’s happening or not. 

 

They prepped me and showed me to the OR, everyone was so sweet and compassionate, when all I had was fear and regret. I was so devastated, they brought AG to the OR to hold my hand while I was put under to make me feel better and safe -  this is absolutely not part of the protocol, neither is general anesthesia! But I am forever grateful for those doctors and the decision they took in order for me to feel better. 

 

While I laid there on the table, crying my eyes out all I ever wanted was for my baby to not feel any kind of pain. I was praying they would do another ultrasound and I would get to see it one more time, but they didn’t. I would do anything to see it once more, have the sonogram and hear its beating heart - the hospital which holds this in my record refuses to release it to me, but without any clear reason - maybe that’s just the protocol, maybe they flagged me as a suicide risk for all I know. Everyone around me felt my devastation and regret, but what I do regret after letting go of my baby, is not having the guts to ask for my sonogram right there and then - I guess I though I would look crazy and I was ashamed to ask. 

 

After the procedure, all I wished right there and then was that I wouldn’t wake up, not then not ever. The emptiness I felt where my baby used to be was eating me alive, absolutely overwhelming. 

 

Ever since I decided to continue on this path I fell into a depression which only got worse as soon as I left the hospital. I cried for days and days until I literally had no more tears left to cry, I had suicidal thought but didn’t had the guts to do it. On top of all of that, my neighbours had a recently born baby, constantly crying. I used to open the window to hear It better and I would just lay and cry my heart out.

 

It’s been almost a year since the procedure and there wasn’t a day I haven’t thought about it. Thing is, I think about that idiot just as much as my baby, he is always on my mind. A few months later, I decided to send him a text on his number, telling him what happened with no response. Months went by, some were better, some were worse. Recently I decided to send him a message on Facebook, because I felt like I didn’t had any more air to breath because of him. I told him everything. All I feel is rage in every bone, all my happiness is gone and I am completely changed, sometime I feel like I have nothing forward to look up to.  He completely shut me off since I last saw him that night, no interest whatsoever on how I’m doing, if the pill worked, nothing... radio silence. He deserved to know how his actions impacted me. And I do hate him with all my heart, but all I want from him is to say something, anything. Instead, he blocked me and continued to ignore me, but at least I know he is aware. Somehow, it released a pressure off my chest, but I feel like it is not enough. 

 

I was stupid for trusting him, I was stupid to keep seeing him when my gut always told me he is a complete asshole. I just want him off my mind and I don’t know what else I have to do to get some peace.

 

During all this time, AG was very supportive and always gave me time and space, he always encouraged me to talk about it with him if I feel like it and not keep things inside. But how can I tell him that all I think about besides my baby is that complete waste of a human being? This guy complete destroyed my life, but I blame myself for it just as much.

 

I don’t know what else I have to do to get through this. I want to get better, I want to be happy again and enjoy the life I have.

This story would be so much longer if I expressed everything I feel and everything that happened.

 

But all these made me stronger in a way, made me wiser. 

 

I know my story might be irrelevant to many, but it might help a few who find themselves in a similar situation. Don’t go through this alone, seek help and consider what is best for your own sake first, not the ones around you. 

 

If you’ve read my story and came this far, learn from the mistakes I’ve made, consider them and be better. 

[njbm 2,860]

That is a sad story. Hope you are feeling better. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

TLDR: A 23 year old woman decides to have fun with her boyfriend and another man, she is swept away by the situation and has unprotected sex. She winds up pregnant and has an abortion. As a result, she is having problems with her emotional stability.

 

Anonymous, I'm so very sorry for you. Yes, the man didn't treat you very well, some men won't in such a situation.

 

You are going to have to go through the pain until you can recover from this, you have my sympathy.

 

As you said, this will wind up making you stronger, and you will come to be a better person.

 

Let this be a warning to other people: Play Safely!

[Sunday 119]

WTF is all this "cum deep inside me" when swinging?  I realize that swinging means different things to different people but I don't see how-in-hell it should include something as intimate/emotional as that?  Swinging should be recreational sex -- sex for sport, not feelings or emotion.  And for christs sake, it should never resemble the act of making a baby in any way, shape or form. 

 

That's why I'll never get cumming "inside" when swinging?  It's supposed to be a show, not a consummation.  In sex-for-fun, cum belongs on the face, tits, stomach or ass so you / her and everyone can see the finish - it's like the celebration of an overtime goal, or a TD with 2 second remaining in the game, or a walk-off homerun, or a photo-finish in racing -- not the hallowed act of creating a human life.  I even started a thread on this topic and was flabbergasted by the answers.

 

I'll never get this.

 

❔❓

 

 

[padoc 1,701]

Is there a swinger manual where it says exactly where and how a partner can cum? Or where it describes what is acceptable or unacceptable to do while engaged in recreational sex? Is there a chapter where cum on tits or face is a requirement and cum inside is prohibited??  Here's a concept: what is a "shall" or "shall not" for you may be optional or situational for someone else.  Sex is about orgasms and I'd prefer that you don't tell us where ours should occur. Unless of course there IS a swingers manual and you wrote it.

 

The OP made a bad mistake and then compounded it. She's guilt ridden and depressed and could probably benefit from more sympathy and less pompous finger pointing. I think from reading her post, she's more than a little aware that she made two serious mistakes.

[Anonymous173 1]

On 5/7/2020 at 2:15 PM, adamgunn said:

TLDR: A 23 year old woman decides to have fun with her boyfriend and another man, she is swept away by the situation and has unprotected sex. She winds up pregnant and has an abortion. As a result, she is having problems with her emotional stability.

 

Anonymous, I'm so very sorry for you. Yes, the man didn't treat you very well, some men won't in such a situation.

 

You are going to have to go through the pain until you can recover from this, you have my sympathy.

 

As you said, this will wind up making you stronger, and you will come to be a better person.

 

Let this be a warning to other people: Play Safely!

I understand now that my post might be way too long, I honestly just wrote what I felt right there and then. I have so many thoughts, I tried to describe the situation as best as I could. 

 

I guess I am just trying to figure this out, I don't understand the way he treated me nor why he completely shut me off like nothing ever happened. I don't understand why he's always in my mind either, wherever I go or whatever I do, I always think of him and I am honestly pissed off, it's like he's out of my life but continues to bug me every single day. 

 

I did a lot of mistakes and I do deserve to pay the price for it, I am just genuinely sad it happened this way, I hurt a human being that had absolutely no fault whatsoever. 

 

Writing this up helped my sanity a little, but I honestly hope people gather what is most important out of it and think twice before making big decisions. 

[Anonymous173 1]

On 5/7/2020 at 8:59 PM, Sunday said:

WTF is all this "cum deep inside me" when swinging?  I realize that swinging means different things to different people but I don't see how-in-hell it should include something as intimate/emotional as that?  Swinging should be recreational sex -- sex for sport, not feelings or emotion.  And for christs sake, it should never resemble the act of making a baby in any way, shape or form. 

 

That's why I'll never get cumming "inside" when swinging?  It's supposed to be a show, not a consummation.  In sex-for-fun, cum belongs on the face, tits, stomach or ass so you / her and everyone can see the finish - it's like the celebration of an overtime goal, or a TD with 2 second remaining in the game, or a walk-off homerun, or a photo-finish in racing -- not the hallowed act of creating a human life.  I even started a thread on this topic and was flabbergasted by the answers.

 

I'll never get this.

 

❔❓

 

 

I suppose the best way to describe this is "different strokes for different folks".

 

Never have I meant for it to resemble the way of making a baby, not literally anyway! It went that far because I was stupid, not because I wanted to. You make it sound like I asked to get pregnant, which I didn't. It was a freak accident when it came to the pill,  apparently I was that unlucky.

 

I guess this is just a kink to some, there aren't exactly rules for this type of lifestyle. In my opinion, you as a person and your partner make the rules, and as long as both partners agree to the terms I really don't see how somebody else can tell them what the rules are, or the do or don't's - you and your partner are the only ones that can draw a line, not what somebody else thinks. 

 

 

[Anonymous173 1]

On 5/7/2020 at 10:02 PM, padoc said:

Is there a swinger manual where it says exactly where and how a partner can cum? Or where it describes what is acceptable or unacceptable to do while engaged in recreational sex? Is there a chapter where cum on tits or face is a requirement and cum inside is prohibited??  Here's a concept: what is a "shall" or "shall not" for you may be optional or situational for someone else.  Sex is about orgasms and I'd prefer that you don't tell us where ours should occur. Unless of course there IS a swingers manual and you wrote it.

 

The OP made a bad mistake and then compounded it. She's guilt ridden and depressed and could probably benefit from more sympathy and less pompous finger pointing. I think from reading her post, she's more than a little aware that she made two serious mistakes.

I couldn't describe this any better than you did, thank you! 

 

I don't deserve anyone's sympathy, I am responsible for my mistakes and my actions. I would take it all back from the first I ever talked to him if I could, but the reality is different and I can't do anything about it other than learn from it. Actions have consequences and unfortunately I learned it the hard way. 

[Anonymous173 1]

On 5/7/2020 at 5:16 AM, njbm said:

That is a sad story. Hope you are feeling better. 

Thank you. There are days and days, I have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life and that ain't easy. 

 

But if my story brought awareness and opened the mind of at least 1 person over time, then I feel like I at least accomplished something out of it.

[couplers 4,568]

On 5/7/2020 at 12:59 PM, Sunday said:

WTF is all this "cum deep inside me" when swinging?  ... I don't see how-in-hell it should include something as intimate/emotional as that?  Swinging should be recreational sex -- sex for sport, not feelings or emotion.  And for christs sake, it should never resemble the act of making a baby in any way, shape or form. 

 

That's why I'll never get cumming "inside" when swinging?  It's supposed to be a show, not a consummation.  In sex-for-fun, cum belongs on the face, tits, stomach or ass so you / her and everyone can see the finish

For me (and Lora and Clair) one of the most enjoyable parts of sex is feeling a man ejaculation inside me and having a living part of him in me for several days.  We use birth control, so it is not about potentially creating a new human.

 

On 5/8/2020 at 3:15 PM, Anonymous173 said:

I guess I am just trying to figure this out, I don't understand the way he treated me ...

Some people are just jerks.  He is, move on.

 

On 5/8/2020 at 3:35 PM, Anonymous173 said:

I don't deserve anyone's sympathy, I am responsible for my mistakes and my actions. I would take it all back from the first I ever talked to him if I could, but the reality is different and I can't do anything about it other than learn from it.

You have dealt with it, and did nothing wrong.  You do deserve understanding, so be strong and take care.

[Sunday 119]

On 5/10/2020 at 12:35 PM, couplers said:

For me (and Lora and Clair) one of the most enjoyable parts of sex is feeling a man ejaculation inside me and having a living part of him in me for several days. 

 

If you were deeply in love with someone and had a serious relationship, this might make sense, emotionally -- but saying this in regards to party sex with random people for sport is just plain weird and creepy.

 

Sorry, but that's my opinion.

 

?

[couplers 4,568]

12 hours ago, Sunday said:

Sorry, but that's my opinion.

That's fine, I understand.

 

12 hours ago, Sunday said:

If you were deeply in love with someone and had a serious relationship, this might make sense, emotionally -- but saying this in regards to party sex with random people for sport is just plain weird and creepy.

I'm not a real swinger, I have only had sex with five men in my life and live in a poly family with two men and two other women all of whom I love.  But even the three other guys I had sex with (one I still do) where there was/is no emotional attachment, the sensation and knowledge that their ejaculate is inside me is a wonderful feeling.  But I acknowledge and don't mind being creepy and weird.

[54321 18]

You're angry at the guy but it really has little to do with him. He was a casual F/B who was also a bit of a flake, but the reason you got pregnant is that you used Plan B and it didn't work. You also kept putting off dealing with the problem until it grew into a bigger problem and the reason you had the abortion was because you didn't want his baby.

 

Please understand that none of this makes you, your fiancé or the flakey F/B a bad person.

Life is important but quality of life is important too. You were perceptive enough to realise that there would be difficulties with loving this baby.

All life is eternal. We appear in and disappear from the 3 dimensional realm endlessly. I suggest you go to a quiet place and tell the baby that you are sorry that you were not able to give her/him the love that would be needed but sincerely wish her/him that when she/he next comes into the world that it is to a place full of love.

Then say this magical phrase as many times as you wish: "I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you," and forgive YOURSELF.

 

Best wishes and much love to you.

 

54321

[barefoot_so_goo 46]

On 5/21/2020 at 8:01 AM, couplers said:

That's fine, I understand.

 

I'm not a real swinger, I have only had sex with five men in my life and live in a poly family with two men and two other women all of whom I love.  But even the three other guys I had sex with (one I still do) where there was/is no emotional attachment, the sensation and knowledge that their ejaculate is inside me is a wonderful feeling.  But I acknowledge and don't mind being creepy and weird.

 

I'm more along these lines. OP is in a different place, and the poster who was harsh is in an entirely different place. Sex is many things. Part of the excitement and thrill for me is the physical contact, the intimacy, the connection. I click with swingers who want the same, and I haven't had trouble finding them. Something more than friends, something less than the poly experience couplers lives. But, that's swinging.

 

Barebacking has pregnancy as a potential risk, and it's one I and my partners consider and accept. Fortunately, I haven't had the OP's experience, but there have been some deep and raw emotions exposed sometimes. Honestly, I think that's part of what I'm looking for.

 

OP, thanks for sharing your experience. I hope writing about it helped and you're doing much better.

[couplers 4,568]

On 5/21/2020 at 10:00 AM, 54321 said:

I suggest you go to a quiet place and tell the baby that you are sorry

I don't want to start an argument, but only to say that different people view this differently.  I have children that I would do anything for including kill or give my life, but I also would have absolutely no problem having an abortion if the circumstances called for it.  Admittedly I've never had one, but before I knew them both Clair and Lora have, and they view it the same way - a fetus is not a person.  I can see the argument against aborting in the eighth or ninth month in most circumstances, but cannot accept that a single cell, a fertilized egg, is a human being.  It is one of those "where to draw the line" questions that doesn't have a simple answer because it doesn't depend solely on gestational age.  Rather than argue about the issue in extreme, it would be great if with facts and rational discussion, somehow it could be worked out.