Needing serious advice about boundaries

[distraught and tired 3]

Ok my fiancé and I have been swingers for 15 yrs now, we are 59 and 62.  We have set rules and boundaries in the beginning and set others later and relaxed others along the way. I'm sure this is common. So here's the situation, there are trust issues because one of the rules was there shouldn't be communication behind my back to single females. There is 1 in particular who is 30 something, a former employee of ours and we did a threesome and I really wasn't interested but did it because he kept insisting. I said 1 and done. So after a while he started asking me to do it again since she was available and attracted to me. It wasn't mutual on my part at all, in fact she repulses me.  So the subject of her kept coming up, and I found out that he would text her from time to time. Well about a year ago, I happened to see a bunch of emails from him and her. They were pretty upsetting content, him wanting her to have his baby and can't wait for me to finally leave so they could be together. She's had serious drug issues and never held a job and I know he doesn't care for her other than the swing aspect because she's got so many problems but I think its because she's vulnerable is the reason he keeps after her. Yeah sick. So he said he was just trying to keep her on the hook and hoped I'd change my mind so we could have her over once in a while. I told him I didn't want him communicating with her and if there was any communication to be made I'd do it myself. I also said if he wanted to play with her alone I'd let him but again 1 and done. So I set it up for when I wasn't home and I was fine with it as long as I wasn't there participating. Ok later I found a photo of her in one of my outfits and that was not cool with me at all, and I felt violated. I said ok whatever, no more and move on and it seemed like he agreed because that was very generous on my part. So this weekend I kept hearing his text message notification going off, and I sneaked around and saw her name. He was using and app because she didn't know who it was. I asked who he was talking to and he lied and said a friend of his, so I told him what I saw and he said no it wasn't her and I blew up and didn't speak to him the rest of the night. This morning I got up, saw the communication by email and told him that I was so angry, no more communications behind my back. Apparently to him he keeps using the " I'm controlling card". It's an excuse I said and Bs and he just wants to do what he wants with no boundaries. What do you all think? 

[lcmim 1,082]

As it is presented by you, I would say that he should know better.

I am hesitant to say more because this ,so far, is one side of the story.

[distraught and tired 3]

Yes but he pouts and gets angry when I don't go along with what he wants. He has a single male fantasy which I've gone along with many times which when we got into the LS I told him that was a no go for me. I did it anyway multiple times and I'm done with it. I've done it all, DP also. Nothing satisfies him. That's a problem too. He says all the time he will find a swing partner who will help him live out his fantasies if I won't. I've said couples are fine, I prefer a bi lady but am ok if not. With Covid now I'm not wanting to do anything till things get figured out. 

[njbm 2,871]

The good news is that prudent swingers are taking a Covid break. The bad news is that your fiancé is out of control and will not adhere to your limits. This issue will recur. 
 

Do you want to continue swinging? It sounds like you are going along to get along. Your fiancé seems consumed with swinging and swinging on his terms. It doesn’t appear that he will comply with your limits. 

 

You have some decisions to make. Give him a hall pass and let him do whatever he wants or you can find a new partner who can work withIn your limits if you want to swing. 
 

Just my take. I’m no Dear Abby, but I am married for 35 years. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

njbm has some good advice. I would get this woman out of your lives right now, as long as your BF is talking and texting and trying to screw her there is going to be continuing drama.

[couplers 4,641]

16 hours ago, distraught and tired said:

Ok my fiancé and I have been swingers for 15 yrs now, we are 59 and 62.

Too Young to Go Steady

[distraught and tired 3]

Thank you all for your responses...I shouldn't have to keep looking over my shoulder, yes he should know better and if this kind of stuff continues it will be over for us. I always say to him how lucky we are to be able to share this, don't blow it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Swinging is all about love, trust and communication. Right now, you can't and shouldn't be trusting him meaning no swinging at all. He obviously has a deeper connection with her than he should and it needs to STOP NOW. It's not being controlling, it's being smart, respectful, and loving. While we don't have many rules, our 'golden rule' is if one of us says no to another couple or single, then we both say no and move on...no questions or repercussions. It doesn't MATTER why we said no, we just move on. Ms. Gold is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to me than some play partner and I would never want to even take the chance of loosing her. You have said no to this woman, he either needs to understand that talking to her, hoping that you might change your mind, is not showing you the love and respect he should always be showing you. He needs to make a choice: you or her, plain and simple. Continuing to try and communicate with her any longer...well, that then shows you what he chose.

[samandtammi 99]

Sounds like your issues go way beyond simply swinging.  Best to figure out if you two have a future before indulging in the lifestyle.  The problem I am reading is that he doesn't understand the word no.  Swinging is about the two of you, at all times.  If he cannot respect how you feel, you probably already know that there is a serious problem in your relationship.

Good luck!

[MrMrsswinger 204]

Maybe I missed it but why is this guy still your "fiancé"?

 

He is obviously doing whatever he wants, and his actions are quite shady. I don't understand why you'd stay around. You're too young to to hook your wagon to someone who doesn't care what you have to say.

[jandmplay 19]

MrMrsswinger is offering sound advice. You describe a pattern; he breaks the rules, you confront him, he whines and you cave. Add to this his demonstrated willingness to use someone in a vulnerable mental state for his pleasure one really has to question his ethics. Why are you still in a relationship with the man you describe, let alone considering marriage?

[CythereaSkyclad 19]

There should always should be boundaries. You are Queen and he is King and that is where the trusting love connection is. Y'all suppose to agree to rules and not make one or the other uncomfortable.  Our rules are we play with couples together in our home their home and singles (not a couple )are toys. They do not get a pleasure of home, they get hotels, we have a she shed we added a room for single fun. This away one or the other is not giving up a home for private time with toy.  . . You have a red flag with him if he is communicating with her about having his baby and wishing you would leave. I would be Ranger roll his t-shirts and pants show him the email about having baby and wishing you to leave and tell him he is free to f'ing leave do not let the door hit you on the way out. It is not worth to be put in an uncomfortable position.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

I agree with everything here. This isn't a relationship it's a train wreck. Anyone who repeatedly makes you do things you are uncomfortable doing, with people you detest doesn't sound to me like that is someone who loves you.  And the pouting like a little kid if either one of us tried that the other would laugh hysterically.

 

We have a no way rule and it's about the only rule we have. We have stuff we don't like.  But if either of us doesn't want to there is no way. We will talk about it later, in private. I could never imagine trying to talk anyone into doing anything. I would spend the whole time wondering if they we having as much fun as I was. Kinda a downer that vitamin V won't fix. IMO ?

[NWAtlSwing 522]

This relationship is not solid enough for open sex with others. Stop all swinging and work on that.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

She hasn't been back since July 8th. Either she has acted on the advice, no longer needs the advice, or didn't like the advice she was being given but it would be nice to hear a follow up from her. Maybe she will come back again in the future...