Playing on First Date

[tj680 28]

Hello,

 

many of you play on first dates and many of you don’t.  My wife is adamant about not playing on first date, in fact she prefers to wait until after 3-4 meetings.  We had discuss this at length when we first got started 3 yrs ago and we didn’t want to just jump into bed with total strangers.  We wanted to get to know them a little, primarily as a means to understand their risk propensity.  I am finding that a lot of couples are not willing to wait 3-4 meetings, what are your thoughts and recommendations?

[enjoyingfun 69]

Yes the same getting to know people makes it better and more fun and safer!! 

[adamgunn 1,460]

We are quite willing to have a first date without the possibility of playing; we've often done that. 

 

If we knew there was no chance of playing on the second date, the couple would have to be off the charts attractive for us to continue the relationship. We're not dating back in the sixties, and we all know we aren't virgins. Waiting till the third date (or after) seems a little old style for us. 

 

Not saying there's anything wrong with the way you want to engage, for us it would be a dealbreaker though.

[N&G 207]

We look for people who are willing to play on the first date.  If that doesn't happen we don't mind meeting a second time but we make it clear that we are looking to play.  There is no 3rd or 4th date. 

[njbm 2,868]

We generally like the first meeting to be vanilla. I like to debrief privately with my wife. One of us may pick up something good or bad that may influence our decision. 
 

If both of us want to meet to play, we’ll try to set up a play date. If the other couple agrees, we do it. We make it clear to the other couple that we intend to play and make sure that they are on the same page. 
 

i don’t think we would meet three or four times and not play, unless all four of us wanted to be vanilla friends. I do not think many seasoned lifestylers would wait that long. 
 

If we are on a lifestyle cruise or at a lifestyle resort, we would want to have drinks or a meal to get to know people a little first, but we are much more likely to play right away. 

[enjoyingfun 69]

Sound good

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We actually say in our profile that we don't play on the first date so that there is no pressure or confusion and we want to make sure that everyone is indeed interested (no taking one for the team). We want there to be a connection since we are looking for friends first, benefits second. However, if everyone agrees on a second date, we hope that SOMETHING happens...doesn't have to be big, maybe even just watching each other making out (same room sex/petting/whatever). If that doesn't happen, it seems like the other couple isn't interested. If nothing happens after three dates, then we figure it probably isn't a match and we move on. It's fine not having much happen on the second date (or maybe even the third), as long as we know that the other couple is really interested. If you are just starting out and are being cautious, let the other couple know that this is what is happening. If they are understanding, then move forward. If they are not interested in waiting, then it isn't a match and saves everyone time by moving on.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

In this era of COVID-19, there are obviously much more complex issues. 

 

Otherwise, what works for you as a couple works for you as a couple. 

 

We prefer/preferred to set no expectations for play on the first date. Despite best efforts to chat and meet electronically prior to the first date, once meeting another couple for the first time, the couple that joins you at the restaurant often doesn't quite match the texts, emails, photos or even calls. By setting the 'no expectation' for a first date, we found it made us more comfortable and made it easier to get to know the new couple. 

 

As NJBM mentioned above, an LS cruise is a different environment...much more like an extended floating houseparty. Often the "first date" took the form of joining the other couple at lunch, and then going on a shore excursion with them. By the time cocktail hour and dinner are rolling around, you've decided whether you want to continue the conversation over dinner and later in the pool and playroom or whatever. 

[tj680 28]

Thank you all that have read and posted their thoughtful responses to this question.  My apology for the delayed response, but vanilla life has a way of intruding and taking priority over the fun things in life.

 

Wifey and I have been talking about playing after the second date while she is still hesitant she has at least agreed to consider it. 
 

Thank you GoldCoCouple, your suggestion of same room sex with your own partner as a potential starting point was a lot of help.  She was more comfortable with that idea.  We will continue to talk and discuss things as we gain more experience.  
 

Again thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments 

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Most important thing is to always keep talking...

[MrMrsswinger 202]

The great thing about this lifestyle is that there are couples that fits everyone's preferences. 

 

We prefer to play on the first date. The reason is that our time is so limited that when we are able to get out and meet people we want to play. Three or four dates? That could take months for us. We also don't look at our adventures as "dating" necessarily. We're looking to find a couple, two couples who want to add to their physical dynamic. Usually the couples we meet become acquaintances/friends but given we aren't about to get out that often we don't usually see people enough to find out personal details. Most of our continual communication is electronic rather than out "dating".

 

[Idahocouple6969 294]

On 7/13/2020 at 12:25 PM, Fundamental Law said:

In this era of COVID-19, there are obviously much more complex issues. 

 

Otherwise, what works for you as a couple works for you as a couple. 

 

 

That there is some good ad-vice.

 

Before the world stopped turning......

 

We have pretty much made up our minds with emails, texts, chats or whatever, by the time we meet for drinks or dinner. We lay out our likes and dislikes before meeting. Barring Frankenstein and his bride walking in we are usually ready to go. But we do have an expectation to have sex. Sorry but that is why we are here. Would we ever go out with a hard no couple? Yes, if we though that we would have something in common. Sometimes a night out is fun too. Would we ever do two date nights? No. Again if we made some new friends, great! But if its not FWB then thanks, we had a great time when we went out last month, week or whenever, but we are just not feeling it. It has never got to that point because we tell people up front why we are on a swinging site. 

 

I guess there are a couple of exceptions 1. we attend a monthly meet an greet so in a way we talk to a lot of the people every month and dont necessarily play with all of them. God I miss the meet and greets! 2. New people or people just wanting to see if its for them. So we would hang out with them a couple of times. This is a hobby for the 2 of us. Some couples like to golf or play tennis. We like to fuck other people. And there are only so many weekends in a month and only so many dollars to spend on our hobby. Lets face it swinging isn't a cheap hobby.

 

House parties, cruises and clubs  were brought up. For us that is a whole 'nother ball game. I dont do cruises but clubs and house parties are our time to party. We like going to a club, we have a few drinks a lot of mind blowing sex, Uber back to the hotel and have more sex. We meet people at a club for one thing-s.e.x. pretty much just a physical attraction to the other couple or single person and we are ready to go.

 

This may sound terrible but we are looking for sex and maybe friendship. We are not looking for friends and maybe sex. I mean come on we met on a swingers website. But as I said its never reached that point as we are crystal clear before we ever meet as we always ask straight up before we ever meet do you play on the 1st date? Given the choice of play or no play and everything else being similar, we would go with the "play" couple. 

 

 

 

 

[njbm 2,868]

We have been optimistic with couples before we met. But upon meeting, one or both had a disappointing personality or looked nothing like their pictures. So that is why we don’t play on the first date. It also adds to the anticipation of the second date. 

[hlgcpl4fun 79]

We always approach a first date with no expectations of playing. If the chemistry is there, we have no issues taking it to the bedroom. 

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

Well, I admit, the whole 'interview' process can be a bit much. Also, we're fine reviewing and discussing anything. What confuses me is a relentless pursuit of a 'type' and slogging through a jungle of questions and nuances to get approved.

 

I actually did this after a bit too much coyness of 'will they with us' or 'won't they with us'.

 

I said this to the wife: "Hello. We like you and think sex would be an amazingly great time. I promise, after making out with you, if you like that sort of thing, I'll fuck your husband 'stupid'.  In return, my husband might just ruin you for other men. No worries. No crime, no foul if you're not interested. We're highly sensual, sexual and very nice people. You really will love having my husband slide into you."

 

I want a mutually  engaged and collaborative sexual experience. I'm not interested in winning someone over,

[couplers 4,616]

I know many vanilla people, women and men, who are open to and have had sex on a first date.  

[TricianMike 772]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

I know many vanilla people, women and men, who are open to and have had sex on a first date.  

That was me. Many times in my early life I had date sex on a first date. 
Now I have been with men without knowing them believe that’s before a first date. 

[PeterJ 940]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

I know many vanilla people, women and men, who are open to and have had sex on a first date.  

Petra, in my long experience in the lifestyle and much longer time prior, I was much more likely to have a vanilla first date end up in bed than a lifestyle one.
 

As much as I’d like to attribute that to my physical attractiveness in my 20s through 40s, it’s much more likely because I mostly went on first dates with women with whom I was already fairly well acquainted. I wouldn’t have asked them out on a date if I weren’t already inclined to fuck them and I assume they felt the same way. (I know for some women there was/is the principle of "no sex till the third date." For me, if there wasn’t sex by the second date we weren’t going to be go down the sex and romance path. It was gonna be "just friends.")

[couplers 4,616]

22 hours ago, TricianMike said:

Now I have been with men without knowing them believe that’s before a first date.

Great point.  I wonder if I'll ever get there?  I've never had, or wanted, stranger sex yet.

[couplers 4,616]

21 hours ago, PeterJ said:

it’s much more likely because I mostly went on first dates with women with whom I was already fairly well acquainted

"... already fairly well acquainted" but no date is another category. 

[PeterJ 940]

1 hour ago, couplers said:

"... already fairly well acquainted" but no date is another category. 

Yes, Petra, I used "date" in the broadest sense. It sometimes meant going in without first going out.

[couplers 4,616]

23 hours ago, PeterJ said:

Yes, Petra, I used "date" in the broadest sense. It sometimes meant going in without first going out.

I failed to consider our situation with Walter.

 

During the time when I was seeing up hubby David with female friends and acquaintances of mine, Clair had brought out my Lesbian side, and was a regular with us, I asked Lora if she would like to play with David.  She would and did, becoming another Lesbian experience for me as well.

 

An honest woman, Lora told the guy she had just started dating at the time, Walter, about the situation with David and me - occasional FWBs.  It didn't bother him, we met, then all (Clair and Red included) started playing together as Walter and Lora dated, were engaged, married, separated, and divorced.  Lora decided that she wanted to join our family.

 

So that's my/our "no date" story with Walter.