Response to Comment

[BallCapBabexox 15]

Hey people! 

My husband has come to terms with the concept of consensual non-monogamy just fine except when he is challenged by one of our vanilla guy friends. 
“You let another guy have sex with your wife?” Said with the connotation “You are weak.” 
Regardless of the articles he has read and everything he has learned about the lifestyle, he gets mentally stuck here quite easily- fair enough! 
Anyone have a great retort to this comment that he can smoothly fall back on?

[njbm 2,880]

It’s not cheating if you get to watch? 

[Phil and Angel 17]

“It’s okay. I get to have sex with another woman. It’s a win-win for us.”

[lcmim 1,082]

How about you give the answer. The way we treat each other makes people wonder what we have if they do not now and makes them want to try it if they do.

[NoAngels 334]

I have a very close friend who knows I have an open marriage. He has a hard time understanding that I don’t care if my wife goes on a date. My feeling is he would want to play with someone besides his wife and I even asked him if he wants to be with my wife. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

"Yes I do. And she lets me have sex with other women!"

[Fundamental Law 2,886]

This is a longer answer than what you might want, but the rationale matters.

 

What happens inside a marriage and how two people grow within the marital bond is their choice: there are as many choices as there are marriages (no two are alike). 

 

Remarks such as the one your "vanilla guy friend" made come from one of three places: envy, curiosity, or disapproval. You are not obligated to respond. It is your marriage, not theirs.

 

But if we were to respond, we would think to ourselves that "vanilla guy friend" cannot deal with the notion of vulnerability-his, or that of his marriage. He sees monogamy as a fence to 'contain' what is 'his'. Either he wishes that he could be comfortable with your acceptance of vulnerability, he is curious about how it feels to be vulnerable, or he disapproves of 'a guy' (or for that matter, anyone) exposing themselves or their marriage to perceived risk. 

 

Place that in context of what really goes on. He has a fantasy life, his wife has a fantasy life, likely unshared--and that makes them both vulnerable. Our response  -- if we chose to give one--would be along the following lines. "One of our core values is honesty with each other. Part of that has always been sharing our fantasies. Along with those fantasies, we set intentions, and boundaries. So doing, we create a choice to act on those fantasies--or not. It keeps us honest, and our marriage is stronger for it."

 

Where he's having trouble, most likely, is seeing the concept of monogamy through a different lens. Is it an emblem of the marriage? A fence to contain the marriage? A fence to protect the marriage? An expression of "property" rights?  

 

"Long-long" couples---long married and long in the LS---view the marital bond quite differently than most others, and yet that view of fierce loyalty, of 'team together',  and of genuine "'til death do us part" is remarkable in its authenticity. 

[lcmim 1,082]

The original question I think has been addressed pretty thoroughly.

 

I have a question for the OP.

Just how did it come to pass that his guy friends know what you two have decided to do?

 

We have a few select vanilla friends that know about our sex life in any detail. As far as most of the world is concerned the only thing they "know" they need to infer from the fact that we have children.

 

There might be a lesson about discretion in there somewhere.

[Anon321 523]

Doesn't sound like a very good friend if he is going to be so judgemental.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

On 7/27/2020 at 4:23 PM, Phil and Angel said:

“It’s okay. I get to have sex with another woman. It’s a win-win for us.”

That would either stop them right there....or it might bring up some questions ?? heh heh heh ???

 

 

12 hours ago, lcmim said:

The original question I think has been addressed pretty thoroughly.

 

I have a question for the OP.

Just how did it come to pass that his guy friends know what you two have decided to do?

 

We have a few select vanilla friends that know about our sex life in any detail. As far as most of the world is concerned the only thing they "know" they need to infer from the fact that we have children.

 

There might be a lesson about discretion in there somewhere.

Absolutely none of our vanilla friends know about our ahem alternative lifestyle. Just because of that reason. 

[Anon321 523]

13 hours ago, Idahocouple6969 said:

Absolutely none of our vanilla friends know about our ahem alternative lifestyle. Just because of that reason. 

We have a friend that would considered vanilla and when he found out about us (not from us) he was extremely interested and eventually wanted in.  And after seeing him in action he is definitely NOT the vanilla type we thought.  Sometimes you just don't know.

[couplers 4,655]

On 7/27/2020 at 3:38 PM, BallCapBabexox said:

“You let another guy have sex with your wife?”

"No, I let my wife have sex with whomever she likes, including another guy.  I love her that much.  And she loves me all the more for the freedom to enjoy herself."

[couplers 4,655]

On 7/28/2020 at 7:59 AM, Fundamental Law said:

"Long-long" couples---long married and long in the LS---view the marital bond quite differently than most others,

I emphatically agree with your post, and your longer answer is appropriately thoughtful; it deserves more than just a ?.

 

The only quibble to make is that hubby and I no longer consider ourselves a long-term, lifetime married couple.  We are part of a poly family and our bond is not just a single M-F relationship.  There is an equal romantic and sexual bond between each man and woman, and between us women.  The two men are joined for a lifetime by the inter-mediation of the women and our children.