Can you stop playing with a couple and still be friends?

[njbm 2,871]

Sometimes we meet a couple and after 1,2 or 3 play sessions, we realize that we like them as dinner partners and/or friends, but not playmates. Is there any subtle or non-hurtful way to communicate this concept? 
 

We think there are people who felt this way about us, but we just stopped hearing from them. Is it all  or nothing in the lifestyle or can you go from playmate to platonic friends?

[adamgunn 1,460]

We have. It really depends on the mental maturity of all four people.

[Tala 2]

Yes, depending on maturity 

[J&Wu 408]

I enjoy seeing and playing with people who I like for themselves as well as for sex at parties. Non sexual vanilla friendship would need to be mutual but I could see it.  

[couplers 4,639]

"Can you stop playing with a couple and still be friends?"

 

I wouldn't see why not.  We are still friends with Lora's ex-husband Walter and the women who played with David early in our marriage.  I don't see why whether you had sex with someone in the past determines if you and your spouse can be friends with him and/or her going forward.  Either you still enjoy one another's company or you don't.

[Anon321 522]

It's probably harder when you're the one putting a stop to it.  It is also probably awkward to bring it up which is why you haven't heard from those people.  But I'm sure it can be done.  I had a buddy who used to fuck my GF and have MFM with us.  Once he got married he put a stop to it.  Of course before his wedding he really got it all out of his system.  But now we hang out with him and his wife like normal friends do.

[cplnluv1 872]

We met a couple for the specific reason to guide them to enjoy swinging and have become friends with them. We don’t ever keep relationships going longer than two or three meetings just to keep from getting involved with messy situations that can develop. I think the pandemic has changed our thinking, I met a woman at my gym who is friends with a couple we had met before and I enjoy the friendship that we have. The friendship I have with her is based on things other than sex, we have the gym as a common base and found much more in common. It helps that the men seem to get along too. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

Some ppl take it as an insult. We had this couple who we really enjoyed socially and sexually. They even had kids our kids age and everybody got along. The only problem was that they were pretty hard drinkers and we started going down that same path so after a while we had to break away. They were pretty insulted and now it's awkward if we bump into them socially.

 

Chemistry among couples can be very complex. Playing with single males is so much easier.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

3 hours ago, cplnluv1 said:

The friendship I have with her is based on things other than sex, we have the gym as a common base and found much more in common. It helps that the men seem to get along too. 

There is great insight here. Friendships need to go beyond sex, of course. And the "friends first" neighborhood of swingtown is really about the ladies enjoying spending time with each other. Their spouses understand that the ladies run the LS, and that such friendships are valuable and worth finding ways to support. 

[couplers 4,639]

On 8/30/2020 at 3:59 PM, Anon321 said:

I had a buddy who used to fuck my GF and have MFM with us.  Once he got married he put a stop to it...  But now we hang out with him and his wife like normal friends do.

Does his wife know?

 

I've met (at my request) just about every woman Red and hubby have had sex with as well as many of the men and women who Clair and Lora have been with.  I find it interesting, calming, satisfying, more so if we hit it off.  It's like closing a circle in a way.  Strangely, if one of the others in our family got together with an ex I hadn't met, it would bother me some.  But after meeting them, it wouldn't.  It would be, I don't know, nice.

[cplnluv1 872]

9 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

There is great insight here. Friendships need to go beyond sex, of course. And the "friends first" neighborhood of swingtown is really about the ladies enjoying spending time with each other. Their spouses understand that the ladies run the LS, and that such friendships are valuable and worth finding ways to support. 

I was very hesitant to start anything with her, only got involved as a favor to another couple. I know they are good friends and now they have another dimension to their friendship. We enjoyed being with that couple but most likely we would have discontinued any contact going forward, not for any reason just not wanting to build a real friendship. 
I would first say that we decide on who we will meet then agree I am more opinionated on who we play with. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Since we are looking for friends with benefits, I'm sure we could. We are always looking for friends first...the benefits are just a bonus. If they stopped, the friendship would still be there...

[Deadeye 24]

Absolutely  I have friends  my xwife and I use to have 3somes with . We are still friends . If they need me for any reason am their for them . 

[Anon321 522]

On 6/14/2021 at 6:41 PM, couplers said:

Does his wife know?

 

I've met (at my request) just about every woman Red and hubby have had sex with as well as many of the men and women who Clair and Lora have been with.  I find it interesting, calming, satisfying, more so if we hit it off.  It's like closing a circle in a way.  Strangely, if one of the others in our family got together with an ex I hadn't met, it would bother me some.  But after meeting them, it wouldn't.  It would be, I don't know, nice.

She definitely does not know.  And I don't think it would go over well if she did.

[njbm 2,871]

The old skeleton in the closet trick, as Maxwell Smart would say. 

[Numex 2,416]

8 hours ago, Anon321 said:

She definitely does not know.  And I don't think it would go over well if she did.

That's sad.

[Numex 2,416]

When we formed our closed group of married couples, both my wife and I had to break it off with others.  (The group has a strict no sex outside the group, even with condoms.)  They all understood, and we still see some of them socially. 

[njbm 2,871]

1 hour ago, Numex said:

When we formed our closed group of married couples, both my wife and I had to break it off with others.  (The group has a strict no sex outside the group, even with condoms.)  They all understood, and we still see some of them socially. 

You are on to something with the closed group. Did everyone get tested for STDs? Men can’t be tested for HPV. For some women, it comes and goes. I think one would be hard pressed to find a group of swingers free of HPV and HSV. 

[Numex 2,416]

9 hours ago, njbm said:

Did everyone get tested for STDs?

Yes, twice.  Once initially, and again after like a month, during which time we only had sex with our own spouses.  (It may not make perfect sense, but that's what we agreed on.)  You're right about HSV, but no one has outward symptoms.

 

Sometimes, yeah, theoretically we'd like to play with others, but it's not worth leaving the group.  And practically speaking everyone gets enough sex and enough variety that it's not much of a temptation.  Our current activities leave me spent, and my wife doesn't want to go back to using condoms.

[PeeTWheatstraw 122]

I have several single women and a couple or two that I no longer play with but would consider them good friends of mine. 

[Sophy 569]

Yes, 100%

A friend couple decided to start a family and step out 2 years ago from swinging, we haven't had sex since then with them but we still see them regularly and enjoy vanilla occasions like Birthdays and BBQs.

 

[Walt48127 17]

We played with a couple to a period of time and my ex decided that she no longer wanted to continue in the lifestyle.  We talked to them and still remained friends.

[Numex 2,416]

13 hours ago, Walt48127 said:

my ex decided that she no longer wanted to continue in the lifestyle.

Is there anything worth saying more about?  Was it the cause of the breakup?

[Walt48127 17]

The couple understood and we continued our friendship.  No the lifestyle was not the cause of our breakup. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Better late than never:

 

The old quoting Maxwell Smart trick...

It missed me by that much...

and loving it.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

I'm thinking it would depend on why we stopped playing with them. 

 

[AndrewandAnn 360]

As Idahocouple said, it would largely depend upon why we stopped playing?

 

The biggest hurdle is when a couple starts to have trouble in their relationship, then splits up. When that happens, we have a hard rule to stop playing with both partners, regardless of how much we liked one or both. Recently-single play pals are a definite no-go. In our experience, they are not in a healthy place emotionally and are often looking to rebound. This creates an witch's brew of emotional conflict and drama that we neither want nor need.

 

Cutting them both off may seem harsh to some people. But, it's better for us and them. Frankly, they should not be having sex with other people's spouses/partners after losing their own. It's far too easy, and common, to form emotional attachments that go beyond the sex.

 

It's for this reason that we tend to play almost exclusively with long-married, or at least LTR, couples. Stable relationships are a definite pre-requisite. 

 

 

 

 

[njbm 2,871]

We have met two singles that pose as a couple. Our vanilla first meeting gets this out pretty quickly and it is generally a red flag. Committed couples care about each other, the paired singles flake out on each other, other couples, etc. We’ve been there as the committed couple. 

[Numex 2,416]

We played with different married couples and singles before forming our closed group of married couples.  In our group:

4 hours ago, AndrewandAnn said:

It's far too easy, and common, to form emotional attachments that go beyond the sex.

but that doesn't bother any of us, including me.  I like it better that the people having sex with my wife actually care for her. 

[AndrewandAnn 360]

11 hours ago, Numex said:

We played with different married couples and singles before forming our closed group of married couples.  In our group:

but that doesn't bother any of us, including me.  I like it better that the people having sex with my wife actually care for her. 

You seemed to have missed this part, so I'll re-post it:

 

Recently-single play pals are a definite no-go. In our experience, they are not in a healthy place emotionally and are often looking to rebound.

 

Obviously, "rebound" isn't referring to simple friendship or fondness.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We also agree with AndrewandAnn: If the other couple splits up, then we don't 'choose' a side and continue playing with one. We play as a team. If this was football or baseball, and the other team only showed up with half of their players, it wouldn't be much of a game.

 

Bring back Get Smart! We need someone to combat Kaos in the world.

[kcjones 59]

When the play stops, you can still remain friendly, but you move on.  My wife and I both work and have young kids.  The little spare time we had was divided amongst family, old vanilla friends, and current/new play partners.  The one couple we truly clicked with, remain play partners, as our close relationship afforded us the communication to become better sexual partners to each other.  Speaking with others who leave the lifestyle, its jarring how many former play partners no longer have time to hang out when sex is off the table.  For this I say the friendship aspect of the lifestyle a fallacy.  It clearly happens, but nowhere on the level people promote it.  

[AndrewandAnn 360]

2 hours ago, kcjones said:

When the play stops, you can still remain friendly, but you move on.  My wife and I both work and have young kids.  The little spare time we had was divided amongst family, old vanilla friends, and current/new play partners.  The one couple we truly clicked with, remain play partners, as our close relationship afforded us the communication to become better sexual partners to each other.  Speaking with others who leave the lifestyle, its jarring how many former play partners no longer have time to hang out when sex is off the table.  For this I say the friendship aspect of the lifestyle a fallacy.  It clearly happens, but nowhere on the level people promote it.  

You bring up an interesting point. And there is definitely is some truth to what you are saying.

 

However, I'll add, at least in our case, as our own lives have transitioned from one phase to another, we find our lifestyle interests have transitioned, too.

 

Early in our lifestyle, when we used to host social gatherings among our small circle of lifestyle friends, the events were entirely focused around promoting a highly sexually charged atmosphere. There was no doubt in anyone's mind the sex was "THE" reason for being together. Whatever else that happened was either foreplay or after-play. Lol...

 

Today, companionship and friendship have definitely taken on a larger role than it used to. Now when we get together with our lifestyle friends, the majority of the time is spent just... hanging out and doing what friends do when they're together (even though we're all usually either nude or semi-clothed.) Yes, it usually involves sex. But... not always.

 

I imagine others have experienced something similar as they have moved from one stage of life to the next.

Edited July 2, 2021 by AndrewandAnn

[Numex 2,416]

On 7/2/2021 at 4:40 AM, AndrewandAnn said:

You seemed to have missed this part, so I'll re-post it:

 

Recently-single play pals are a definite no-go. In our experience, they are not in a healthy place emotionally and are often looking to rebound.

 

Obviously, "rebound" isn't referring to simple friendship or fondness.

Sorry, I agree with you.  I should have been clear that I was making a distinction, not disagreeing. 

[Numex 2,416]

On 7/2/2021 at 11:33 AM, AndrewandAnn said:

Now when we get together with our lifestyle friends, the majority of the time is spent just... hanging out and doing what friends do when they're together (even though we're all usually either nude or semi-clothed.)

I know what you mean.   Our group has different relationships among the various pairings.  I and another wife go on "dates" which may not involve sex, to do things our spouses don't like - classical music, live theater - even out-of-town.  My wife spends time with another married couple who have all bonded as a threesome beyond the sex.  Each of the other permutations among our group is a story unto itself. 

[couplers 4,639]

On 6/21/2021 at 1:32 PM, njbm said:

The old skeleton in the closet trick, as Maxwell Smart would say. 

 

On 7/1/2021 at 9:00 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Better late than never:

 

The old quoting Maxwell Smart trick...

It missed me by that much...

and loving it.

Maxwell Smart - I had to look that one up.

[njbm 2,871]

No problem, Chief. I think that  the senior members remember “Get Smart.” Smart was Agent 86. 86 is restaurant slang for “ cancel that order.”