Speaking to Professionals

[TricianMike 772]

Do you share that you are in the lifestyle with your Medical Doctors or “shrink”?

Michael says I share too much. We both have been seeing therapists alone and together. I am pretty open, possibly more open when I am alone. 

I have shared my experiences with my gynecologist for a number of reasons. Michael admits he doesn’t tell our GP. 

How much do others share?

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

My wife shares. I think it is better if you do.

[TricianMike 772]

6 minutes ago, Chris&Suzanne said:

 

My wife shares. I think it is better if you do.

 

Who does she tell and how much does she say? 

What about you? Do you keep it to yourself?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

From a healthcare professional. Tell all. We can’t support and treat you without knowing the situation. If you think for a moment that your experiences and issues are somehow unique or reason that we will think you are different or unworthy of our confidence and care, think again. We have seen more than you know. We have heard more then can imagine. Tell us. It will not make you vulnerable. It will make you stronger and your healthcare professional more effective in supporting you. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

What are you afraid of? Healthcare professionals, including therapists are duty bound to keep your secrets; if they violate that they will lose their license.

[couplers 4,640]

Our doctors know our situation, i.e. that we live in a poly family and play with another couple.  So compared to some, we're pretty tame.  The only thing that needed to be sorted out in a healthcare situation is who the biological parents are for each of our children.  There aren't really any genetic issues, but the non-bio parents have taken kids to appointments and early on those questions were settled.  (As I've written previously, to feel secure in a poly family, especially with children, requires lawyers, accountants, and insurance people.)

 

Despite all the assurances of the posters above, if you have children and are in an alternate lifestyle or family arrangement I would not trust or feel comfortable with some people, including (and sometimes especially professionals) in certain parts of the country (The South).  All healthcare and educational professionals are mandatory reporters.  I don't worry about the ones that know us well, they know that our children are properly taken care of in every respect.  But nosy support staff?  All it takes is one who disapproves, family services swoops in and we have to fight to get our children back.

 

Fortunately, we live in a liberal part of the country, but something from elsewhere that I saw as a kid:

"April and Shane Divilbiss, who work as a stay-at-home mom and a computer technician, are legally married, but until recently Chris Littrell, a male nurse, lived with them too... They lived as man and wife and man, with April taking turns. Together they were raising April's toddler (from a previous relationship), earning a living and wondering how Shane could learn to manage his jealousy when he heard Chris having sex with their wife. Despite the obvious difficulties, until about a year ago, they had formed an odd but functional family.

But now these three Southerners, all in their 20s, find themselves litigants in a legal mess and, consequently, martyrs of sorts for a fledgling movement. A year ago, a judge removed April's daughter Alana from the Divilbiss-Littrell home. The judge was acting on a petition from Alana's paternal grandmother arguing that the threesome's relationship revealed such "depravity" that it could "endanger the morals or health" of the little girl, a sunshiney four-year-old who prizes her Barbies. The grandmother took action after seeing the three discuss their lifestyle on an MTV program, Sex in the '90s: It's a Group Thing."

 

The link:  http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,33866,00.html

[TricianMike 772]

Mike says doctors are people and people talk. I remind him there are HPPA laws they must live by, he says all people talk. There are others in the office who will see the notes and might confide to friend that we are not as pure as we let others believe. 

Michael is known to many in our area and it could have repercussions. 

I feel as others may say, doctors can’t treat what they don’t know. Therapists have heard everything before. My therapist doesn’t frown or show disgust, I sometimes feel she is jealous that I am so free. Sometimes I do get graphic and she never stops my train of thought. She encourages me to continue. Tears, laughs and concerns are most important when I see her. 

When we are in couple therapy Michael is much more reserved in his feelings. I don’t know how open he is when in private therapy. 

I want to emphasize that we are not having marital problems. We are very open to our feelings when alone. 

I or we feel that therapy is part of healthy living. Therapy is just as important as physical checkups. Mind and body are one. 

[cplnluv1 872]

13 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

We can’t support and treat you without knowing the situation.

 

2 hours ago, TricianMike said:

Mike says doctors are people and people talk. I remind him there are HPPA laws they must live by, he says all people talk.

I agree with both of these comments. 

I trust my doctor with my life and expect she is trustworthy. When I first told her about having others join us I asked her not to put it in her records. I think the government knows too much about my personal life without this being in the cloud. I don’t believe in conspiracies yet I do get ads on social media feeds after talking about buying things. Just being careful in case there is a breach of medical records, I don’t need my insurance rates or credit rating change because someone figured I am a risk. 

With no notes taken she has asked about precautions, acts, frequency and types of people in generalities. I understood when asked about the men and if any bi men are involved. She has read me the riot act about STD, STI, and HIV.  I believe women have a closer relationship with female doctors, at least I do. I don’t think I could be as honest to a male doctor, which I know is foolish. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Tricia, first it is so very good that you are completely open to your feelings when alone.

 

Yes, doctors are people. They are also professionals. They are bound to the oaths of the profession. Here are the last lines of the Hippocratic Oath, to which physicians swear as the enter the profession. Highlighting added. 

 

...Into whatsoever houses I enter, I will enter to help the sick, and I will abstain from all intentional wrong-doing and harm, especially from abusing the bodies of man or woman, bond or free. And whatsoever I shall see or hear in the course of my profession, as well as outside my profession in my intercourse with men, if it be what should not be published abroad, I will never divulge, holding such things to be holy secrets.

Now if I carry out this oath, and break it not, may I gain for ever reputation among all men for my life and for my art; but if I break it and forswear myself, may the opposite befall me.

 

The concerns about being "found out" often have less to do with the healthcare providers than of oneself. There is a pervasive human fear of being unworthy--and worse of being found out to be unworthy-- of being "not good enough". That experience is universal, and to some extent underpins why swinging  is a somewhat secretive alternative lifestyle. Swinging is about consenting adults at play. Yet if our behaviors and out preferences were found out, we would not only be judged but shamed. This is the consequence of not conforming to social norms. The dependence on external validation in order (for example) to earn a living gets convolved with the covenantal relationships of the healing professions and creates its own tension: public lives and private lives are always complementary and essentially never congruent.  Yet those in the healing professions have to understand both because so much of healing involves reaching some sort of personal reconciliation. That reconciliation requires embrace of something that makes most (all?) of us uncomfortable--it requires embrace of vulnerability. 

 

The sociologist Brene' Brown is widely recognized for her research into vulnerability. As a start, it's a fun 20 minutes listening to her widely praised TED talk here:  

 

 The talk is a decade old, and still worth a re-listen. 

 

Good luck. 

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

On 8/29/2020 at 7:14 PM, TricianMike said:

Who does she tell and how much does she say? 

What about you? Do you keep it to yourself?

She told her (female) doctor that we swing and by chance I was seeing the same doctor. The doctor was also very good looking. After I got used to it she gave me samples of Viagra and Cialis. She knew we went to HEDO. Advised my wife on what lube to use.

[TricianMike 772]

20 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

Tricia, first it is so very good that you are completely open to your feelings when alone.

 

Yes, doctors are people. They are also professionals. They are bound to the oaths of the profession. Here are the last lines of the Hippocratic Oath, to which physicians swear as the enter the profession.

I am assuming you are a medical doctor, and I know what assuming can do. 

 

Physicians take oaths, Lawyers take oaths, Accountants take oaths. Even politicians take oaths and we know where that has taken us. 

People break oaths all the time, jeopardizing their livelihoods. 

 

I agree with your comment, doctors have heard it all. I am not unique. I am not afraid of what others might think. I am not afraid others might find out. Thinking back, I was afraid at being outed at a time in my life. I questioned my own sexuality. Therapy and speaking about fears has been refreshing. 

 

I was was afraid of being totally open to my innermost feelings. Therapy has allowed me to explain my feelings. I was afraid my therapist was a voyeur into my mind. She asked my thoughts during sexual acts. She brought out thoughts I wasn’t sure I had. By bringing up my pleasure factors it has brought even more pleasure to my future relationships. Talking about thoughts during sex is cathartic for me. 

Mike doesn’t agree with all I say. His trust in others is not solid. He says I am naive and too trusting. We don’t have a trust problem between us. He shares his feelings and what I feel is his deep thoughts. Questions my therapist asks, I ask of him. Me being a voyeur into his mind is very exciting, even more than watching physically. I was happy that he said he doesn’t think about sex with me while having sex with others. He was truthful. 

Wow I can’t believe I just opened up on a forum. 

[lovefest04 699]

On 8/31/2020 at 8:17 AM, TricianMike said:

Physicians take oaths, Lawyers take oaths, Accountants take oaths. Even politicians take oaths and we know where that has taken us. 

Was just going to add the oath of office the congress takes. I don't trust people just because they took an oath. They also need a moral and ethical compass and a willingness to put their own beliefs and judgements aside in order to meet the intention of their oath. Not everyone can do so and it's so easy to rationalize that I just as soon not take the chance.

 

Since, I don't have a test I can give, I choose to be safe. Yep, it's sorta paranoid, but my concerns have been validated over and over. It only takes a few rotten apples to spoil the whole batch.