Playing with cheaters

[shoreguy 15]

Satisfy my curiosity: Is there a difference between how cheating married women are viewed versus cheating married men? Consider LTR equal to marriage if you please.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Our "off the cuff" response was "would not swing with cheaters". That is our rule and we have stuck to it. However, in the interest of honesty, I will say that we were approached and propositioned by a bi-fem at a club who was "stepping out" and let us know up front. She ended up a part of a larger group, but I did have sex with her, though my wife did not.

 

There is a difference because single women are hard to come by (from what I've heard ; ) and men are dogs... I'd like to say that in the future I will stick to my guns on that issue, but I realize that the chance certainly exists that an attractive female (single or married) would probably be welcome to play. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak - I suppose.

 

Men - on the other hand seem to be part of a pretty rich pool and it is much easier, I think, for my wife to pass up an opportunity.

[lnk4u 15]

Both hubby and I feel that swinging is something to share as a couple therefore if you are swinging without your s/o (spouse) it is cheating. If on the other hand you meet with both halves of the couple and one has the attraction but the other one doesn't and they do swing alone with the others approval maybe. But that is a big maybe. I still dont think we would though.

[passion8 16]

Our "off the cuff" respose was "would not swing with cheaters".

 

Spoomonkey you're so right, or at least the same as us! Normally we would not want to get involved with cheaters, it's a turn off actually. But there has been one time when a good friend joined us without her boyfriend (who was not a friend of ours). It was something she wanted to do and we could see that her relationship was coming towards an end (if that's any excuse). But certainly with strangers we would feel it was a definite no-no.

[biblonde 22]

NEVER with a cheater. I think cheating is sooooo wrong and if i found out someone was steppin out....then they would be steppin right out the door! This lifestyle best works if honesty is always in the forfront. I would never get inbetween a couple because the outcome is always bad! and well i dont have time to be a part of that....

 

my 2 cents for the day!

[EternallySingle 32]

There was a 22 year old college student I met with a few times. She wore several rings on each finger, was always with a group of other known bi women, and had no kids so I had no reason to believe she was married. Mainly because of her age and the fact she was a grad student. Stupid of me, I know.

 

I knew she was a swinger because she first asked if I ever had a 3some then if I ever been to a swing club. When I said yes she said she and her friends were looking for some nice guys who would go with them to a convention in Chicago and wanted to get to know us better, as in conventional dating as well as swinging. We had several boy-girl dates as well as group encounters with her three friends and two other guys they knew.

 

What I didn't know was that her new husband wanted nothing to do with the lifestyle and thought that I was just a classmate she was studying with. I was not happy with her or her friends (who helped her cheat) when I found out she was married. This girl and her husband ended up getting divorced only seven or eight months later. I don't know if I believe it, but she said she was the one who filed for divorce. I still didn't want anything to do with her, though.

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to women too.

[LYTD 15]

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to women too.

 

I disagree with this sentiment, as I'm living proof of it being untrue.

 

I was a blatant and dirty cheater until about the age of 21. That's when I took a step back and saw that every relationship I'd had either suffered greatly or ended because of it. I realized that until I made the conscious choice to stop cheating, it would never actually happen. Much like quitting smoking, you'll do it when you actually want to, you won't do it just because you know it's what you should do.

 

I reformed, I met a wonderful woman (to whom I'm now married) and not only is the cheating a thing of the past, the desire to do so is also.

 

People can change if they want to. Now if I could just find the "want to" to quit smoking.

 

On the topic of this thread, I wouldn't get involved with someone who was cheating either. I've seen the ills of it and it's not pretty. There's too much lying and deception going on and eventually when the truth comes out (as it always seems to) the consequences can be severe.

[Shaheena 15]

Well, so far I have heard everyone saying they would not get involved with cheaters. I think a lot of people are hesitant, but there are times that my hubby and I would not have a problem in playing with someone who is in the lifestyle where the other half isn't. I know of several men and women who are sexually deprived because of the sudden religious beliefs of their wife or husband. They didn't have this when they first got married, and now they are stuck in a relationship where they still love the person, but are having no sex. Who can blame someone for searching elsewhere for some pleasure without any strings attached? The way I figure it, in a situation like that.. the one depriving has really paved the way for the cheating. What else can they expect? It's human nature to take care of our sexual needs and if they are not going to supply the demand, then the partner will look elsewhere. At least they are only looking for the pleasure aspect and not a relationship. If their relationship breaks up, it's not because they cheated, it's because their relationship was going down the toilet way before that.

 

I am not for breaking up a relationship by any means, but it's also not my choice to make. Life is too short to be deprived of the things that make us happy. I guess when you stare death in the face it really tends to wake you up and make you realize that life is all about being happy and enjoying the pleasures life has to offer while you can. If someone has to go elsewhere to find that happiness, then I will be happy to supply that for them with no strings attached. I'm happy with my husband and love him more than life, and I know we have a great relationship. So we don't have an issue of someone wanting to spend a night or weekend of pleasure with us whether they are a "cheater" or not. I just had to put in my 2 cents worth here

 

Hugs & kisses & licks!

[Spoomonkey 421]

LYTD

 

I completely agree. Cheating sucks - but I've been there. It would be great to say that the "cheater" side of me is dead, but I'm in the lifestyle with a wonderful wife and partner - so how will I know? I mean, extramarital sex is a part of this lifestyle.

 

I can say this - you are right on the money about finding the right person. Sure - many cheaters are just looking for sex on the side. But a lot of people, I believe, are looking for intimacy, physical attention, passion, even love that is being deprived at home.

 

For me - I have found my soulmate. She is an insatiable sex machine who happens to be quite open minded. She is the best I have ever been with physically, emotionally, passionately... Does that mean that she is the hand's-down, put a patent on it and write a book, best ever lover? I know I am completely biased and wouldn't see a flaw in her if it bit me on the neck. That is what makes our connection so incredible, and our love so complete. If I ever had the desire to play with someone, why would I need to cheat to do it?

 

I also agree with Shaheena - not all motivation in cheating is all bad. We just wouldn't want to be a part of someone else's "end of the marriage." We'd rather play with a recently divorced guy than one who hasn't gotten the balls to admit that it is time to move on.

 

And just to clarify my earlier post - I did take advantage of the rare bi-fem encounter. Knowing myself, the way I do - and the lifestyle the way I do - I'd probably do it again. However, I'm not particularly proud of myself for it. Just wanting to make sure that my "sterling ethics" don't over-shadow the dirty truth

[PrtyinDuo 18]

Allways have this vision of some BIG dude or Scornfull woman knockin' on our door and either punchin someones lights out or worse!!!screaming.."so your the ones that are fuckin' my mate"!!!

 

To swinging with cheaters!!!

 

 

Enjoy!!

[EternallySingle 32]

I should have made that clear. Not enough coffee yesterday.

 

Seriously, though, I see your point and making a blanket statement like "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is like saying "Single men can't be trusted until they get married" or "All dogs have rabies and kill children". BUT...

 

I always try to think about everyone involved. Just because I never see or have contact with the other person in a relationship doesn't mean what I say and do with one half of a couple will not have an influence on the other one. I've been cheated on by a woman, and it was not nice. I can't help thinking, when I find out someone is married and wanting to play behind her partner's back, "how did I feel when I found out E* had cheated and lied to me?"

 

Again, I was speaking from my experiences and what I've learned and observed. People do change, but only if they REALLY want to change.

[4Beauty2C 17]

Hub and I have never come across anyone who cheats as of yet. Our opinion on this is divided. We though think that it is none of our business who they come in with and the other side of it is we have to put ourself into the hands of the person who is being cheatted on.

[wrnakedru 38]

And we passed.

 

For us, it is just that we do not wish to BE a part of anything we would not appreciate have done TO ourselves.

 

Not judging those who stray or those who play with them. They have a right to their choices and it is their business.

[Shaheena 15]

Thanks Spoomonkey for clarifying something important! If a person is out to find a relationship within swinging and in doing so, it causes the end of their marriage then that's not a good thing. If they choose to swing because they are simply deprived of sex, but are still very much in love with their partner, then I have no problem with it. There is no threat of me leaving my husband for another because we are very much in love and have a better than great relationship. The person depriving their spouse of sex is in no danger of him or her leaving them for me or my husband... it just won't happen. They are simply getting a good romp and a safe one. You have to consider that the alternative to pay for a call girl that is probably unclean and diseased is much more dangerous than this way. I just look at things all the way around and if it's not hurting anyone then I go for it. The spouse is the one who chose to deprive and should know that if they do something like this their partner will find satisfaction elsewhere. It's just a matter of the better decision of who, and where and when that makes the difference here. I hope that makes it a lil more clear

 

Hugs, kisses & licks!

[shoreguy 15]

I wasn't thinking of this when I started the poll, but we once discussed the topic about one particular woman. We think she's bi, and we know she cheated on her husband with another man. It would be tempting, but we'd stay away from a threesome. I'd like to think that the fact that her husband is a cop and therefore has ready access to weapons is not the only reason. The two of them alone was a possibility. Even before swinging she could have sex with any women she wanted to. We don't consider that cheating. However, I'd imagine a lot of couples wouldn't agree with us on that one.

 

Since swinging, we have discussed it a bit. We just don't think it's fair to the other spouse, and frankly we wouldn't want to be in the middle with any violence, possible court appearances in a divorce, etc.

 

As to being in love with someone who "found religion" and won't give you sex: people who are in love do get divorced. There's more to a marriage than love. Maybe it's better to be up front about it and mutually divorce rather than get found out, and have them divorce you, get labelled as a cheater and possibly get the shorter end of the stick in the settlement. But I guess that's a personal decision.

 

People cheat. Flesh is weak and mistakes happen. Alcohol certainly doesn't help. Once you make the decision to go outside of your marriage for sex you've institutionalized it and made it a way of life. It's a big difference.

[Alura 2,774]

Quote

Originally posted by Spoomonkey

I mean, extramarital sex is a part of this lifestyle.

 

I respectfully disagree with this statement, Spoomonkey. Take a look at the results of the survey. Extramarital sex is rare, indeed. In my opinion, the word that bests describes the swinging lifestyle is "intermarital" sex, or "sex among marriages."

[RMRx2 24]

It always amazes me, the number of folks who will have sex with someone "stepping out" and is married or cheat themselves...without a thought or doubt that their significant other would never do such.

 

If lines are flexible, don't be surprised who bends them next.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Mr. Alura

 

I have never heard that term... Imagine that... You are correct, I guess, but my point was simply that part of swinging means having sex with someone other than your spouse. Consent doesn't make it any less "extra". But, I see your point and appreciate your semantic correction.

 

Then again, I may never acclimate myself to the term as I've never been able to figure out "inter" and "intra"... As in Intramural and Interstate... Confusing crap... I should have spent more of my college career sober

[shoreguy 15]

Cool, "intermarital sex". I think it's just been coined, but I really like it! I'm not even sure the consent part makes it inter vs extra. Would sex with other people in an open marriage be inter or extra? Perhaps Mr. Alura gets to decide since it's his word.

 

Spoo: I think the easiest way to remember the difference is the two examples you just gave. Intramural sports were within the same school. Interstate highways cross state lines...

[Alura 2,774]

Yes, Shoreguy, I coined the word. I'm glad you thing it's cool. So do I. Here's how I arrived at the term, intermarital.

 

Inter- is a combining form meaning "between or among." For example, "Intercollegiate" means "between colleges." So "intercollegiate sports" are sports played between colleges.

 

Therefore, "Intermarital sex" means "sex between (or among) marriages." That's what swingers do, for the most part.

 

Intra- is a combining form meaning "on the inside or within." Thus, "Intramarital sex" would mean sex within a marriage, or monogamy.

 

Extra- is a combining form meaning "not coming within its scope." So, "extramarital sex" is sex not within the scope of marriage, or cheating.

 

The three terms have decidedly different meanings.

[melaswen 15]

Great Poll. Pardon me for being new, but here are a few thoughts if you care to read them. A number of responses state they disaprove or would not play with a married cheater. "However, there was the one time that..." Most people justify everything the do that we should not and fortunatly our tresspasses are nowhere near as bad as other peoples...lol. Many of our responses are based on morality and what we have learned from past teachings and experiences. Have you ever noticed that almost every sect of society has its dregs? The people that looked down on? In the swinging lifestyle the dregs seem to be cheating males and single males. If you think about it, some of these people are doing the same thing that you are, trying to enjoy life to the fullest. Odd dont you think, that swingers are condemned by non-swingers can so easily find someone to point the bony finger of indignation towords. You dont have to swing with them, but cut them some slack, dont be rude, be nice. They are looking for the same thing that you are.

 

thanks for taking the time to read.

[yawanna 17]

Is it still considered swinging when a couple is separated and attending events as singles?

 

just wondering......

[Spoomonkey 421]

Alura

 

To steal from a Guiness commercial... "Brilliant!" Thanks for explaining. It is the perfect term for what we are talking about, and I think I finally figured out the difference between inter- and intra-...

 

And I don't have any more college debt hanging over me for it!!

 

Brilliant!

 

As for Melaswen's post - I appreciate what you are saying, but think you miss a major part of the "cheater" equation; the one being cheated on. Now, Shaheena has done a great job of pointing out that we need to be aware that some folks cheat for reasons other than just being scum - and while it may, in fact, be a theoretical "kindness" to screw these fellas back to happy-ville, thus helping preserve their marriages - this isn't always, or even often the case, IMHO. When someone cheats there is necessarily someone else involved - the one being cheated on.

 

You're right - it does go back to things we've learned or been taught - in this case, "do unto others..." I wouldn't want Mrs. Spoomonkey playing around - if we had a problem, I would want to deal with it together. Someone cheating with her would take away my right to do that...

 

A single man is only maligned when he forgets his place as - to use another brilliant phrase from this board - "stunt cock." But for the most part, if a couple is into single men, they will play with them. It just makes sense to swing with someone who doesn't have issues that should be dealt with at home.

 

What I have noticed about many couples in the lifestyle (not all, mind you) is that they are very happily married - could easily drop out of the lifestyle and be very happy with their spouse - talk with each other about everything and aren't looking for anything in the lifestyle other than shared experiences with their soulmate. Most people like this aren't going to relate to a cheater - it is tough enough to relate to a single male.

 

It really isn't the case of "picking on the dregs." And I doubt we are all really looking for the same thing. There are issues that are intensely personal, moral and ethical - and while each couple/person is going to define those things for themselves - each couple/person would be wise to stick tight to any convictions they have that will help them navigate the wild world that swinging can be.

 

Just a thought.

[Alura 2,774]

Excellent well-written post with many in-depth thoughts, Spoomonkey! We think "Intermarital sex" is a very good term because it excludes everything except two (or more) couples playing together.

 

And, Melaswen, the cheaters (both male and female) and the single people are not looking for the same thing we are. We're looking for fun experiences to share with our spouses. The "dregs" as you call them, are in no way even capable of that. And if a married man leaves his wife at home and plays without telling her, there's no way he can even understand intermarital sex, much less be "looking for the same thing."

[Alura 2,774]

Originally posted by yawanna

Is it still considered swinging when a couple is separated and attending events as singles?

 

just wondering......

 

I don't think "swinging" has ever been adequately defined, Yawanna. It may be "swinging" but it shore ain't "Intermarital sex."

 

Mr. Alura

[Alura 2,774]

Quote

Originally posted by shoreguy

I'm not even sure the consent part makes it inter vs extra. Would sex with other people in an open marriage be inter or extra? Perhaps Mr. Alura gets to decide since it's his word.

 

Okay. I'll decide. It's not "consent" so much as the act of doing it together and with another couple that makes it "intermarital sex." Sex without your spouse involved would not qualify. Therefore, sex under the auspices of an "open marriage" would still be extramarital, "sex outside the union."

[omneesx 15]

One of the main reasons that we don't play with cheaters is purely selfish. We have no desire to become involved in someone else's domestic drama. If there are going to be fights and screaming and hurt feelings, we don't want to be involved in any way. We don't need some enraged spouse banging on our door. And our whole motivation for even being in this lifestyle is to "spread the love" and celebrate something positive. For this to happen, everyone concerned needs to at least be informed and be OK with it. Otherwise, the potential for ugliness and general bad karma is too great. The negativity of deception just isn't what we're about. I guess we're just not that horny.

[SKPLD 15]

Originally posted by yawanna

Is it still considered swinging when a couple is separated and attending events as singles?

 

just wondering......

 

 

Well yawanna depends if the couple is married or they are single and broke up , it is two different things.

Dating it's not cheating but married maybe depends on their personal rules and probably none of our business.

[PlayCplCanada 15]

Cheating is cheating whether it be a married female or male. The same result will be had and that is someone is going to be hurt and devastated. Why do people cheat , some say lack of self esteem and others say boredom , we say stupidity. Why cheat if you have a great spouse ? We have seen many cheaters in the lifestyle and we just can't understand why. Swinging is generally about Couples but have it's branches of bifemales , single males etc. There is absolutely no excuse to cheat.

[passion8 16]

Alura you've done the English language a favour with your intermarital contribution.

 

Doesn't it deserve a place in this site's dictionary as a starting point on it's slow path to general acceptance.

 

(hint hint Julie)

[shoreguy 15]

To the best of my knowledge "stunt cock" is a reference from the movie Orgazmo. It was the guy that went in to do the fucking for the closeup shots when the main actor couldn't/wouldn't. (The main character is a Mormon acting in porn movies.) Funny damn movie, I highly recommend it. It's from the South Park guys. Two of the funniest people ever, but not afraid to walk up to the edge and keep going. For miles.

 

I can't see it being used in real porn movie-making. It's not like inability to act keeps you from work. But, who knows.

[NewBiFem 15]

call me a cheater? would you play with me if you knew my situation?

 

I'm an attractive bi woman... I have a full and busy life- 2 kids, my own business, volunteer work, lots of straight friends... I have NO interest in a romantic relationship right now- I don't have time to date, nor am I interested in taking my chances with strangers...

 

the lifestyle seems the perfect place for me.

 

BUT I have an ex-husband who still lives with me. We are in the middle of a divorce- he is supposed to move out this spring when he will take a job out of state, but he's still here... the papers aren't signed... I'm not technically free.

 

I would love to tell him- look, I'm going out, mind your own business, but, of course, I have to be "sneaky," so he doesn't find out and tell my family and friends- or WORSE, try to take my children away!!!

 

Should I sit at home and cry about it? I've been "under his thumb" and repressed for almost 13 years...

 

I would rather celebrate my sexuality. I want to have fun and forget about that mess for a while...

 

so??? would you play with me, or turn me away???

[Spoomonkey 421]

I think that we need to accept the fact that generalizing things is really only good in theory.

 

 

If you walked up and said, "I am cheating on my husband", then - IN THEORY - I'd say, "I have a moralistic problem with that." But - let's be real. Single bi-females are at a premium in the lifestyle. Mrs Spoo might find you attractive - I might find you attractive - and there go the rules...

 

Of course - you could simply say, "I'm divorced" - which is true in spirit, if not in paper and frankly it isn't our damn business who is sleeping on your couch

 

Yours is a much more involved story than the typical (stereo-typical) guy/gal who is stepping out. In your case, I would think that we aren't exactly comparing apples to apples... Just do what you have to do to make sure you keep those babies!!!

 

This post is Mrs Spoomonkey approved.

[OhioCouple 40]

Quote

Originally posted by NewBiFem

...BUT I have an ex-husband who still lives with me. We are in the middle of a divorce- he is supposed to move out this spring when he will take a job out of state, but he's still here... the papers aren't signed... I'm not technically free.

 

 

Technically your husband is not your 'ex-husband'. Therefore you are in the eyes of the law and ours, married....and still attached as he lives in the home with you.

 

Quote

I would love to tell him- look, I'm going out, mind your own business, but, of course, I have to be "sneaky," so he doesn't find out and tell my family and friends- or WORSE, try to take my children away!!!

 

This statement really gives me concern. First and foremost, your children should be the most important people in your life, especially now. It is difficult enough for them to endure the separation of their parents, much less bearing witness to your hiding and sneaking around. And believe me, they can pick up on it. Your children did not ask to be born and you do have the responsibility as a parent to insure the smoothest transition in their formative years as much as possible which includes putting your social life on hold until that transition has been successfully made. You became committed from the first born until they turned 18 years old, the day you made the choice to have children. Your responsibility to your husband may have ceased, but the ones to your children have not. It's not to say that you can't have a life, but it will differ from your years of being childless.

 

Would I call your situation cheating? Not in the traditional sense of one spouse cheating on the other, due to your stated situation, however... You are cheating your children. That in my opinion is lower than those that 'step out' on their significant others, be it married or not.

 

End result... No, we would even consider playing with you, given the known situation.

[Alura 2,774]

Quote

Originally posted by Spoomonkey

This post is Mrs Spoomonkey approved

 

I like that, Spoomonkey. Rather than plagiarizer, I'll trade you the right to use "Intermarital Sex" for the right to use, "This post is Mrs. Alura approved." Deal?

[Alura 2,774]

Quote

Originally posted by NewBiFem

 

Should I sit at home and cry about it? I've been "under his thumb" and repressed for almost 13 years...

 

I would rather celebrate my sexuality. I want to have fun and forget about that mess for a while...

 

so??? would you play with me, or turn me away???

 

I hate to say this, NBF, but I think you should sit at home and not cry until he finally does move out and the papers are signed. Any impatience on your part could cause you a myriad of problems with your kids, or lack of them. Spring is less than six weeks away, whether or not the groundhog saw his shadow. Six weeks is a real short time compared to many years of hoping your ex actually shows up with your kids at the appointed time.

 

If you were in Oklahoma and he in Connecticut, we might consider playing with you. But if everybody is in Connecticut, the divorce papers unsigned, and your husband still living in your house, we'd suggest you masturbate until "the mess" is over, for your sake more than ours.

 

I've been going through a similar situation with my brother whose ex is again living with him because she lost her job due to drinking. (She's been known to disappear for several days until she wakes up in a sleezy motel room with no idea how she got there nor who the guy is who is snoring beside her.) Why does my brother put up with her? Because if he makes her angry she disappears for an even longer time with his son. If he hunts her down and wants his son, the police arrest him because he's a man, and looks like a wild, half-breed Indian, which, of course, he is. They immediately assume he's an abuser, which he isn't. Actually she's the abuser, but it's not her fault. She only does it when she's drunk.

 

You have a pretty horrible decision to make, but it must be made.

 

Hang in there until you get this mess behind you, and hang around here. The folks on this board really care and will be glad to be your friends while you're going through this hell.

 

Good luck and please keep us up-to-date.

[LYTD 15]

Originally posted by NewBiFem

call me a cheater? would you play with me if you knew my situation?

 

I'm an attractive bi woman... I have a full and busy life- 2 kids, my own business, volunteer work, lots of straight friends... I have NO interest in a romantic relationship right now- I don't have time to date, nor am I interested in taking my chances with strangers...

 

the lifestyle seems the perfect place for me.

 

BUT I have an ex-husband who still lives with me. We are in the middle of a divorce- he is supposed to move out this spring when he will take a job out of state, but he's still here... the papers aren't signed... I'm not technically free.

 

I would love to tell him- look, I'm going out, mind your own business, but, of course, I have to be "sneaky," so he doesn't find out and tell my family and friends- or WORSE, try to take my children away!!!

 

Should I sit at home and cry about it? I've been "under his thumb" and repressed for almost 13 years...

 

I would rather celebrate my sexuality. I want to have fun and forget about that mess for a while...

 

so??? would you play with me, or turn me away???

 

I have to agree that you should probably get your situation at home squared away before seeking outside gratification. As a parent myself, I wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize my ability to be around my son......so playing would be out until the ex is out.

 

As for playing with you, your situation sounds like a potentially nasty one. I wouldn't be comfortable contributing to posssibly making life tougher for you at home should your ex find out about what happened. Therefore I would pass on any playing until the divorce is finalized and you've given him the keys to the street.

 

Just my opinion.

[NightGoddess 16]

Quote

Originally posted by Alura

I hate to say this, NBF, but I think you should sit at home and not cry until he finally does move out and the papers are signed. Any impatience on your part could cause you a myriad of problems with your kids, or lack of them. Spring is less than six weeks away, whether or not the groundhog saw his shadow. Six weeks is a real short time compared to many years of hoping your ex actually shows up with your kids at the appointed time.

 

If you were in Oklahoma and he in Connecticutt, we might consider playing with you. But if everybody is in Connecticutt, the divorce papers unsigned, and your husband still living in your house, we'd suggest you masturbate until "the mess" is over, for your sake more than ours.......You have a pretty horrible decision to make, but it must be made.

 

Hang in there until you get this mess behind you, and hang around here. The folks on this board really care and will be glad to be your friends while you're going through this hell.

 

Good luck and please keep us up-to-date.

 

I filed, and it took him a year to move out, the longest year of my life.

 

I put a lot of things on hold (including any thought of a social life) focused on my three kids, my career, and my mental health (got myself to a therapist).

 

I decided I needed someone to help me remain a good mom while recognizing I needed an impartial someone to discuss all the emotional stuff that surfaces during a divorce. I learned a lot about myself, and did a lot of self-evaluating. It was time and money well invested.

 

I wish you the best and please keep us posted. Life does get better.

[NewBiFem 15]

Hey, everyone, thanks so much for the advice. My intent, however was to put my situation out there to further the topic of converstion. Clearly, everyone is so sincere, that the debate took a backseat to the urge to help. Thanks, really for all the warnings, reminders, encouragement, and support.

 

Let me put your concerns to rest- I'm not playing until he's gone.

 

The extent of my experience to date is attending one gathering where I met and TALKED to several very nice couples for two hours- and left ALONE. That was my plan. That's what I did. I'm just reading about, exploring, trying to understand this culture. That's enough for now.

 

I COMPLETELY argree that my children come first. Don't think for one minute, OhioCouple, that they are being neglected in any way. Your OPINION is valid, but the FACT is that they are now, always have been, and always will be my first priority.

 

I was really asking what YOU would do given the opportunity to play with me.

 

Let's suppose that I had no kids... would you play with me?

 

Would it make a difference if I were a man in the same situation? What if I were not attractive and/or bisexual? Does the exterior package make the difference or your need to not be the cause of (more) trouble... or what?

[Spoomonkey 421]

NBF

 

Well - while I am humbled by the obvious concern that others had for your situation, I have to say that I (we) still stand by our first post.

 

I just sort of assumed that if you were doing this, you were smart enough to make sure that your kids came first. I guess I always err in that direction. I'd hack "l'il spoomonkey" off before I let his appetites hurt my kids

 

At the risk of being humbled *again* - I will say that there is definitely a double standard in the lifestyle for men and women. A triple standard if you're hot !

 

I think - and I am just trying to be honest here - if you walked into a swing club, as an attractive, nearly divorced woman - and screamed "my hubby's at home and I'm here to play!" You'd get a lot more takers than if a guy in a similar situation did the same thing. Do I think it is right that this would happen? Not really... But if anyone tells you that rules are black and white, hard and fast, not bendable or breakable and wouldn't be renegotiated - I'd say they just aren't telling you the truth.

 

If we were talking, and you said, "my marriage is in shambles", we'd probably say, "poor thing."

 

If a single guy said that, we'd wonder if he was just throwing a line and tell him to stop being a dick.

 

Bisexual females are a premium... That is just a fact... Some people honestly wouldn't play with you. Some people really wouldn't care... But I think you did hit the nail on the head - lots of the people on this board would be more concerned about you as a person than as a piece of ass - and that says a hell of a lot for people like "OhioCouple", The Aluras, LYTD and Nightgoddess. And honestly, those would be the kind of people that would be worth playing with anyway...

 

As for looks... Well - one thing I have noticed is that lots of the people we have met - while gorgeous, to be sure - are even more beautiful as people. That is the interesting thing about "real" swinging... It really is a game of "personality wins". The package is nice, but the contents are better...

 

Of course - I have a hell of a package...

 

(must post before Mrs. Spoo dies laughing )

[Alura 2,774]

Spoomonkey, that's some nice company you've listed us with. We're honored, indeed! Thank you.

[Roxysbayou 20]

I think all of the "is it right or is it wrong" stuff is fine, but I can't get past the idea that some guy in a jealous rage might show up toting a shot gun looking for redemption.

 

It's just not worth it to me, male or female.

[passion8 16]

Not living in America we're not so worried about the gun, but there are other blunt instruments they can turn up with. This brings a whole new meaning to the health risks of swinging.

[woodyxyz 16]

I would have to agree with Shaheena's viewpoint. Sex is the one thing that puts us all in touch with our humanity. I have a loving wife whom I adore. In times past we would have sex with others but after the children came she decided that she no longer cared for this while I still enjoy the intimacy with others. There is NO chance of me leaving my wife for someone else so I think that makes me a safer person to play with. As a result, I usually become good friends with those I play with and everyone benefits. Ask yourself, "what would I do if my mate suddenly stopped swinging?" I rest my case.....

[akamgaxoxo 25]

We would not play with cheaters either, whether they are male or female. I the F half, was also a horrible cheater in my early 20's and I can say that the experience alone has changed me. Sometimes that quote from ES about "Once a cheater always a cheater" can ring true, however not for me. And I see in another post here that others have learned from their mistakes as well!

 

It would make me feel totally awful to know that I was contributing to any drama in a couples life, been there and done that and I don't expect any of that in my relationship and would hope that my friends feel the same.

[Spoomonkey 421]

woodyxyz said:

Ask yourself, "what would I do if my mate suddenly stopped swinging?"

 

I'd stop swinging...

[good times 991]

Dito Spoomonkey, When my wife quits, I quit.

[hotblonde47 22]

Hubby and I got caught out with this one when we found out that a couple we met were actually just lovers and she was married. We have made a rule that works for us ... we enjoy this, we don't want to hurt anyone else with what we do. We just figure we will only play with couples if both partners are aware and OK with it. Anything else is a disaster looking to happen and where we may not have caused it, we could certainly contribute to it, we don't want to go there.

[stoutgatte 25]

Hmmm, wouldn't play with a cheater. There are enough complications that arise in normal swinging situations, why add a 3rd party with personal issues to the mix?

[Vince415 15]

Hi All,

 

When we first started "playing" in SF, (looking for a MMF) after a few not so good stalker types...(who had nothing better than to call her at all hours and try to meet with her seperately.) We both considered a nice guy who flew in one a month (flight attendant). He was up front and told us right a away that he was married. This was a red flag at first so we put him at the end of the line, but as time went by and our other prospects turned out to be more and more slimey, we came back to him. He had been totally respectful and understanding even though we told him we weren't sure about the married thing.

 

We talked it over and decided to meet with him. At the time Cyn and I considered the fact that he would have more to protect than a single guy and would not try to "rock the boat". In hindsight we were both also very anxious to live out our fantasies (little cyn and vince were in the driver's seat!!!)

 

We all had a great time and met with him a few more times. We spent some time getting to know him personally and he confessed that he had been feeling exteremely guilty. After a long talk we all decided that it would be best to part company... Looking back it was not a very good decision (we both admit), but he did turn out to be a good guy who ended up telling his wife the truth... and opening up the lines of communication.

 

We both agreed that it was not worth the feeling 's of guilt... so no more after that. Cyn later admitted that in a twisted way the fantasy excited her a bit though being very sub.

 

Well hope this doesn't get too much flame Surrender ... just being honest... and we learned our lesson!

 

(in a side note his wife and him are now swingers- she was doing the same thing while he was away :rollseyes

 

Vince