Falling in love while swinging

[couplers 4,640]

A topic that fascinates me, and makes me a bit envious, are posts about how someone met their spouse while in a swinging situation.  It is the opposite of the usual story where a vanilla couple makes a decision to engage in non-monogamy after they are a couple.  It intrigues me because the sex is there with other people before there is the spark which leads to love.  I don't know why, but when I read these stories I find them very romantic, almost to the point of crying.

 

Anyone have a story to share?  Thanks.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I don't have any stories to tell; my wife and I fell in love long before we got into swinging, and of course remain so.

 

But, on the topic in general; there's psychological underpinnings for the rationale that sex creates bonding. If two people have sex a number of times, there's a fair chance of them developing feelings for each other. I've read articles before about love being intentionally created. I think there was even a Big Bang Theory episode on this, where Penny and Sheldon experimented with the idea. As I call, while they didn't exactly fall in love, they were closer after the test than before. Anyway, there's a reason we call "making love" as we do. It does make love. Now, if that was the only facet of the relationship, then no not much depth to it :) But, it does create bonding. It's not surprising that some couples might be generated by non-monogamy.

[Anon321 522]

We are not married but me and my GF was just fuck buddies prior to putting a title to it.  We had a lot of threesomes back then but we weren't technically a couple and then it progressed into it over time.

[GMOFLEISURE 221]

Met a couple who had met in a couples swap.  They ended up swaping wives completely.  I don't know all the story or truth there, but that was their story & they stuck to it.

[couplers 4,640]

16 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

sex creates bonding. If two people have sex a number of times, there's a fair chance of them developing feelings for each other.

But it even goes beyond that, these are people who are having sex, watching each other have sex not with each other, at least at first.  One would think that watching someone having sex with others, not you, would dampen the spark of love.  These are people who see each other having sex with other people and think, "I really like him/her."  In my mind such a situation puts sex in its proper perspective in an incipient romantic relationship.  As a woman it would make me feel valued for all the reasons other than my body, and respect my autonomy.  (That's the way I felt anyway, when hubby was monogamous while letting me keep my ex-fiancé as a sexual and romantic partner when we started down this road.)

[Guest]

When I was in an open marriage and playing as a single, I was only interested in relationships that were more than sex. Since I'd married because of an accidental pregnancy and the marriage wasn't everything I wanted it to be, I was always looking for that woman who I would love and who would love me enough that I'd break my wedding vows. That never happened. I didn't meet that special woman until I'd been separate from my wife for four months.

As an author of fiction, I can create my fantasies, and they become very real for me.

My first work of erotic fiction (in progress) with explicit sex has characters who fall in love with their swinging partners, but those relationships don't threaten the marriages. How realistic is that for two or three couples, or more?

[adamgunn 1,460]

34 minutes ago, videoeditor44 said:

 

My first work of erotic fiction (in progress) with explicit sex has characters who fall in love with their swinging partners, but those relationships don't threaten the marriages. How realistic is that for two or three couples, or more?

I'm an erotic writer of swinging and hotwife fiction (Adam Gunn on Literotica and Noveltrove). I doubt that I'd buy it, It might happen for two couples, as a polygamous relationship, doubt that it would be realistic for more than that.

 

Not to say that after the polygamous relationship - two couples  or a triad - was formed that additional members wouldn't be incorporated.

[kittyswinger 260]

I met my SO and present bf during a swing play.  But it is not like we had played several times before developing a feeling for each other.  The swing just became an initial meeting point, just like meeting for coffee (!), but they later pursued me to develop the friendship and fell in love.  Bf came into my life much later.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We don't personally know any couples who met through swinging, but I have read accounts here and on other sites of people saying that is how they got together, so I'm sure it happens. I think the interesting part to me there is the sex part already has its box checked, where in the more usual scenario sex is happening simultaneously with attraction growing toward love. Although that's the way it usually happens, I think some breakups are caused by that too since the good sex may drowned out some quiet voices in someone's head whether this person is "the one" for them. Then over time, the sexual excitement initial peak starts to fade back to baseline, and those voices are still there, they can just be heard now, and things go downhill from there.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 6:33 PM, bbarnsworth said:

If two people have sex a number of times, there's a fair chance of them developing feelings for each other.

I would agree with this, it's almost inevitable really since the more feeling connection, the more sex, and the more sex, the more connection.  After that though, it turns into a "what feelings?" and "what is love?" sort of question. That's where I think swingers differ from married non swingers.  They see sex at sort of a binary thing - sex just for sex sake, so like cheating spouse having one night stands, and then in love sex, like married couple.  Swingers see a lot more room between those two, and it's more of a continuum. 

[lcmim 1,082]

The whole feelings thing pops up in numerous topics.

Perhaps I will start another one shortly, but for right now I have a question.

 

Why do so many think that love is a finite commodity?

 

Yes there are different loves, mine for my wife is unique.

 

There are others though that fall  close to it.

 

We have some friends who have gotten very close to us. The others wife and I... well let us just say that I am very glad that my wife is not the jealous type. In many cases the feelings involved might justify it.

The one thing that makes it work for us is that the four of us are all very protective of the others marriages. This is not , by my definition, polyamory.

It is just that something has really clicked with my lover and I, coupled with everyone having their priorities in line. The fact that both of our spouses are comfortable and supportive with us is remarkable. This is probably because there is no doubt on anyone's part where first loyalties lie.

 

 

[Shore2Please 611]

I Make love when we meet 

 

I Love what he does when we are together

 

I Love what we do together 

 

I Love the anticipation of meeting

 

I Love pleasing and being pleased 

 

I Love the snuggling, kissing and playing. 

 

BUT

I ONLY LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!!

 

 

[couplers 4,640]

On 10/17/2020 at 10:08 AM, lcmim said:

The one thing that makes it work for us is that the four of us are all very protective of the others marriages.

A good point.  We in our poly family are protective of the relationships that the ones we love have with the others they love.

[couplers 4,640]

  

On 4/3/2011 at 6:57 PM, MacNfries said:

My wife & I met in college; she was dating my roommate at the time. She and I developed a great friendship over the year he was dating her. I use to lay in bed and listen to them going at it several times a night when she was staying over, and I'd tease her about it ... use to be a standing joke. When my roommate broke it off with her, we started hanging out and eventually dating. We were both fairly liberal minded people when we got together. That was over 17 years ago.

A post that I recalled from long ago because it strikes me as romantic, and found it again. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

Personally we believe love is a good thing. How can more love be a bad thing?  Most of our play these days is with one single male.  He and my wife sometimes date 1 on 1 and have even spent a couple weekends away together.  Is there love there?  Yes of course.  But a woman's heart has room for more love.  I don't worry about it ruining our marriage because nobody is making her choose.

[NoAngels 334]

I have had affairs before being a swinger and I will admit to having feelings for someone. She was completely in love with me I think. 

My wife had been on Ashley Madison, with my knowledge, and met a married man who became very infatuated with her. 

Love comes in all degrees, I like to say I have had feelings for sexual partners over time. 

[njbm 2,871]

I like most of the women with whom I have had swinging activity. But I am in love with my wife and have not even remotely approached that status with a playmate.  Totally a recreational activity for me.

 

[Alura 2,774]

When Laura and I were swinging, our "play-dates" were all about fun. We laughed, joked, and giggled. Laura was particularly adept at making the most audacious remarks, putting us all into hysterics. It wasn't an atmosphere that fostered something serious like love.

Once, while doing a well-endowed fellow, she said, "Ohmigawd, Darling! I've felt cocks in my throat before, but never from this direction!" 

[kittyswinger 260]

5 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Personally we believe love is a good thing. How can more love be a bad thing?  Most of our play these days is with one single male.  He and my wife sometimes date 1 on 1 and have even spent a couple weekends away together.  Is there love there?  Yes of course.  But a woman's heart has room for more love.  I don't worry about it ruining our marriage because nobody is making her choose.

Same philosophy on love with my SO because he is not letting me choose.  The challenging part of loving more is the time allotment for each one.

[kittyswinger 260]

16 hours ago, couplers said:

A good point.  We in our poly family are protective of the relationships that the ones we love have with the others they love.

My bf is quite overprotective of our relationship to the point of being possessive because he is aware that "secondaries" in a poly setting are sometimes regarded as "throw away" partners.  I try as much as I can to make them equal but it is just logistically impossible in terms of time.  Unless we all move in together in one place.

[Numex 2,416]

The OP asked the question about having found your furure spouse in a swinging situation, that somehow meeting in the context of both having casual sex with others at the time is romantic, unusual or something. 

 

I'd say it happens all the time these days, not in a swinging situation, but just about every every couple who gets married had met when they both were screwing other people. 

[cplnluv1 872]

On 10/12/2020 at 10:19 PM, GMOFLEISURE said:

Met a couple who had met in a couples swap.  They ended up swaping wives completely.  I don't know all the story or truth there, but that was their story & they stuck to it.

I heard there were Yankee pitchers that swapped wives. 

[PeterJ 948]

  On 10/12/2020 at 10:19 PM,  GMOFLEISURE said: 

Met a couple who had met in a couples swap.  They ended up swaping wives completely.  I don't know all the story or truth there, but that was their story & they stuck to it.

I heard there were Yankee pitchers that swapped wives. 
 

————

Yeah, I find a recalled that. So checked the internet and found a story on ESPN.com recalling the 1973 family exchange. Here’s the lede and the link to the whole ESPN story

“The strangest trade in baseball history occurred on March 4, 1973, when New York Yankees pitchers Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson held separate news conferences during spring training. Their announcement: They had traded wives. And kids. And dogs.”

 

https://www.espn.com/blog/sweetspot/post/_/id/55522/throwback-thursday-wife-swap

 

 

[couplers 4,640]

On 10/19/2020 at 12:32 PM, kittyswinger said:

I try as much as I can to make them equal but it is just logistically impossible in terms of time.  Unless we all move in together in one place.

We all do live together (except for our shared boyfriend of course), but it's still impossible to make everything equal.  But that's ok, and it sort of doesn't matter with the children, they come first anyway.  The best thing that I have found when it feels like David is spending too much time with Lora is to spend time with her myself, both sexually and otherwise.  Jealousy is now my friend.

[lcmim 1,082]

I have to wonder about the concept of equal. I tend to think in terms of sufficient and satisfying. These vary as work load and life vary.

[couplers 4,640]

39 minutes ago, lcmim said:

I have to wonder about the concept of equal. I tend to think in terms of sufficient and satisfying. These vary as work load and life vary.

The attorney that wrote the wills, etc. for our family told us flat out that one does not usually want to divide things equally among your children.  One may already be out of college and working, another not having even started.  One may have special needs.  It makes lots of sense among the adults in our family as well, Clair is our stay-at-home mom so we each give her 20% of our total earnings.  One of us may need some extra loving, time off, or attention from time-to-time, so we provide that as well.  Equitable instead of equal.  

[GoNatural 104]

On 10/20/2020 at 8:41 AM, Numex said:

The OP asked the question about having found your furure spouse in a swinging situation....

 

Yes, other people seemed to think the topic was about falling in love with someone new while swinging, while already having a long term relationship partner.

 

As for your point though, Numex, I think the OP might mean specifically in the lifestyle, as in events, clubs, or being around swinger's parties.   That's a bit different from the casual dating scene.

 

I do like the topic of which rules might help stove love and polyamory from starting, if a couple does want 1 on 1 play dates with outside partners, but also does not want deep polyamory.

 

My favorite is some middle ground, but it seems super rare to find other people that take that middle path and talk about it.

[Numex 2,416]

5 hours ago, GoNatural said:

Yes, other people seemed to think the topic was about falling in love with someone new while swinging, while already having a long term relationship partner.

 

As for your point though, Numex, I think the OP might mean specifically in the lifestyle, as in events, clubs, or being around swinger's parties.   That's a bit different from the casual dating scene.

Good point, I agree.  Both my now wife and I were having sex with another (me) or others (my now wife) but not in a swinging situation where we saw each other doing it.  I would have been interesting if we had, and I don't think it would have changed our trajectory. but such situations seem to be rare.  Swinging is a couples game I believe. 

[GoNatural 104]

I've heard couples on swinger podcasts that met as each being singles in the lifestyle, but it is very rare, yes. 

 

I did meet a married couple that found each other on adultfriendfinder, each of them looking for casual sex and being open to group sex.