Exploring - how wife deals with other woman?

[Rlrose 5]

My husband and I are interested in swinging parties and I am curious how the wife deals with the other woman?

[twohots4u2 188]

When my swing buddy and I had small swing parties, she treated the other women like good friends with whom she shared things.  The women came to the party knowing that their guys were going to fuck my gal and that I was going to fuck them.  Sometimes the other gal(s) would kiss, feel up, and go down on my gal while the guys watched or felt up both of them.  

 

When, early on, we went to other's somewhat large swing parties, we usually sat around chatting before things got started.  Sometimes they never really got started except for a few folks.  When we started hosting the small swing parties, my gal made the rule that once we all got into the hotel room where the party was, everyone had to get nude.  Each gal took her share of the guys to one of the beds.  The first thing for the guys was to give the women at least one orgasm via foreplay and oral.  After that the guys were to do whatever the gals wanted.

 

That way the parties quickly got started; everyone participated; the gals got their orgasms; and everyone went  home well sated.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Basically, if jealousy isn't an issue, treat them the same way you'd treat vanilla girlfriends. You should be polite to those you don't know very well, chummy with the ones you're close to.

 

If jealousy is an issue, perhaps you shouldn't be swinging.

[njbm 2,871]

Some people we used to play with are more friends than playmates. If there is jealousy, you are in the wrong hobby. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We don't really understand the question. What do you mean by saying "how does the wife deal with the other woman?". If it's jealousy, see above answers. If it is asking if she is expected to play with the other woman (or not play as the case may be), then that's a different question. Bottom line is that you should have already talked about this and determined limits and rules in advance (and don't try to change them 'in the moment') as to what is allowed and not allowed. You both should know what she is expecting and interested in achieving. Finally, if she is only doing this to make you happy and isn't interested in it for herself as well, or you are trying to save a relationship that is in a downturn, walk away. It won't work and will only magnify any problems that you already have.

[MS1999 38]

I'm going go try a different take on this question.  Although jealousy has never been an issue for us, my wife has sometimes had difficulty interacting with the other women present at lifestyle clubs.  She sometimes finds it hard to know what to speak about with them.  Her theory is that women, when they are getting to know one another, often talk about kids, family, etc.  For lifestyle friends, this is not as comfortable, so she's sometimes found herself trying to think of what to talk about.  

 

[njbm 2,871]

On 10/26/2020 at 3:50 PM, MS1999 said:

I'm going go try a different take on this question.  Although jealousy has never been an issue for us, my wife has sometimes had difficulty interacting with the other women present at lifestyle clubs.  She sometimes finds it hard to know what to speak about with them.  Her theory is that women, when they are getting to know one another, often talk about kids, family, etc.  For lifestyle friends, this is not as comfortable, so she's sometimes found herself trying to think of what to talk about. 

Vibrator recommendations always break the ice. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

4 hours ago, MS1999 said:

I'm going go try a different take on this question.  Although jealousy has never been an issue for us, my wife has sometimes had difficulty interacting with the other women present at lifestyle clubs.  She sometimes finds it hard to know what to speak about with them.  Her theory is that women, when they are getting to know one another, often talk about kids, family, etc.  For lifestyle friends, this is not as comfortable, so she's sometimes found herself trying to think of what to talk about.  

 

An interesting sensation, and it gets to the heart of the dichotomy between what is generally referred to as "vanilla life" and "swinger life".

 

At the outset of exploring the lifestyle. just about everyone keeps those two lives separate owing to the 'taboo' aspect of the LS. It's not uncommon, after making that switch a few times, to ask oneself (or, more accurately, for a couple to ask themselves) which is more authentic and which feels more contrived. At least some couples end up embracing the idea that their swinger life is simply a part of their lives, their swinger friends are authentic and so on. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

Law, you make a good point . . . I'd vary in only one small detail. You say, "which (set of lives) is more authentic and which feels more contrived."

 

Both the 'vanilla' and the 'lifestyle' lives can be authentic, neither needs to be contrived. They can both be 'real,' even if they are separate. 

 

For us, yes, what we do between the sheets with others, we love our swinger friends. But we also have a very satisfying vanilla life. Just two separate things.

[Rlrose 5]

On 10/24/2020 at 11:17 PM, Rlrose said:

My husband and I are interested in swinging parties and I am curious how the wife deals with the other woman?

I should have been more clear. I am the wife and we are talking a lot about the “rules” for us. I have a million questions and scenario “what if’s”. The idea of swinging is very exciting and erotic to me, my husband too. Maybe if will just take more time to wrap my brain around it. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

44 minutes ago, Rlrose said:

I should have been more clear. I am the wife and we are talking a lot about the “rules” for us. I have a million questions and scenario “what if’s”. The idea of swinging is very exciting and erotic to me, my husband too. Maybe if will just take more time to wrap my brain around it. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. 

Rlrose, sounds like you're on a good path; both of you are interested, and both of you are considering a zillion questions and what ifs. This is all a healthy process! My wife and I did very much the same thing. We spent many months talking out all sorts of questions and what ifs, reading this board, asking things on this board, and went over many questions multiple times before we took the plunge. We've never regretted it, and have been doing this for 12 years now.

 

Rules are very normal, especially for new couples. There is _nothing_ wrong with wanting rules. It helps you to have borders, some sense of control in what seems like a potentially very chaotic event. My wife and I had a lot of rules at the beginning. It helped us get our feet wet. The only rule we really have now (well, aside from condoms) is the 'golden parachute' rule; if either of us feels something is wrong and wants to bow out, we tell the other we need to leave. We would both get dressed, make our apologies, and leave without further discussion until we got back to our car. It allows either one of us to be in control of what's going on, and have a quick out if need be. We've never had to invoke that rule, but it has been a comfort knowing it's there. Everything is fair game now. As we became more comfortable in the lifestyle, we began to understand that the rules did give us comfort at first but then became limiting as it no longer felt chaotic. You may find the same. That in no respect means that rules are bad. Quite the opposite!

 

It can seem bizarre to want to engage in swinging. All our lives we're raised to think of monogamy as the goal, cheaters are bad (they are! but cheating with consent isn't cheating), desiring people other than our partners is wrong, and your partner desiring other people is even worse. It's hard programming to overcome. But, programming it is. Did you know that more than 85% of mammals are non-monogamous by nature? Stands to reason humans are likely non-monogamous by nature as well, and certainly the rate of cheating seems to indicate that. Embracing the desires of your partner to want to have sex with someone else can be very opening, and very powerful for a relationship.

 

There's an old saying around here about swinging; it's a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. If there are problems in your relationship, it will magnify them. If there is real love, real closeness it will magnify those. I imagine even considering swinging is having this effect on you and your husband based on your comments; you're likely making love a lot more, and feel closer to your husband. What do you think? :)

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

14 hours ago, adamgunn said:

Law, you make a good point . . . I'd vary in only one small detail. You say, "which (set of lives) is more authentic and which feels more contrived."

 

Both the 'vanilla' and the 'lifestyle' lives can be authentic, neither needs to be contrived. They can both be 'real,' even if they are separate. 

 

 

You are surely correct. Let us expand on what we meant. Five years ago, we were on a lifestyle cruise and had the pleasure of dining with three other couples including John and Jackie Melfi (of OpenLove101.com). The conversation was wide ranging and, as it eventually does in many swinger gatherings, turned to each couples' journey into the LS. What followed was the more unusual question of why any/all of us stayed in the LS,  and further decided to spend the money to travel to Europe and board a river cruise with 100 or so other LS couples.

 

The conversation quickly transitioned through play/have fun to being at ease around like-minded others. Jackie went on to tell her story--you can listen to some of it at their website--of her introduction to the LS. She enumerated a list of contrasts in values and in accepted/acceptable behaviors. She concluded by acknowledging the dichotomy: not real world versus fantasy world but rather two real worlds with different expectations and different values and different behaviors. She felt that in the LS she could be more of her authentic self, where authenticity is somehow measured as the proximity between the normative/acceptable behaviors and what feels "right" in one's own schema of what matters and what is important.

 

That conversation was transformational for us in the sense that it changed the way we experienced the balance of the cruise. Maybe it was that night or a night later in the cruise, we took off the theme night outfits, put on our robes, and wandered down to the pool, about a 15 x 20' pool that was turned up to hot tub temperatures, late October, roof open to the stars above. There were maybe 15 other couples down there--some playing on the lounge chairs on the surrounding deck, some soft play in the water, some just relaxing and chatting, and one or two ladies just sitting on the edge just sipping a drink and soaking up the atmosphere. Everyone nude, of course, except the staff that was happy to serve those adult beverages (in safe plastic containers of course). In due course, we retired to our stateroom. As we drifted off to sleep, we reflected on the level of respect, absence of tension,  and comfort everyone seemed to have with the experience.  It was spontaneous and not contrived except with respect to the cruise itself.

 

It felt, in many ways, at least as authentic as when we greeted many of those same couples at breakfast and on the shore tour the following morning. The tour of course, has an entirely planned itinerary, experience, and timing. That did not make it any less satisfactory. But it served to remind us of how vanilla life has norms, structures, and expectations that are different from the LS. 

[Rlrose 5]

17 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

Rlrose, sounds like you're on a good path; both of you are interested, and both of you are considering a zillion questions and what ifs. This is all a healthy process! My wife and I did very much the same thing. We spent many months talking out all sorts of questions and what ifs, reading this board, asking things on this board, and went over many questions multiple times before we took the plunge. We've never regretted it, and have been doing this for 12 years now.

 

Rules are very normal, especially for new couples. There is _nothing_ wrong with wanting rules. It helps you to have borders, some sense of control in what seems like a potentially very chaotic event. My wife and I had a lot of rules at the beginning. It helped us get our feet wet. The only rule we really have now (well, aside from condoms) is the 'golden parachute' rule; if either of us feels something is wrong and wants to bow out, we tell the other we need to leave. We would both get dressed, make our apologies, and leave without further discussion until we got back to our car. It allows either one of us to be in control of what's going on, and have a quick out if need be. We've never had to invoke that rule, but it has been a comfort knowing it's there. Everything is fair game now. As we became more comfortable in the lifestyle, we began to understand that the rules did give us comfort at first but then became limiting as it no longer felt chaotic. You may find the same. That in no respect means that rules are bad. Quite the opposite!

 

It can seem bizarre to want to engage in swinging. All our lives we're raised to think of monogamy as the goal, cheaters are bad (they are! but cheating with consent isn't cheating), desiring people other than our partners is wrong, and your partner desiring other people is even worse. It's hard programming to overcome. But, programming it is. Did you know that more than 85% of mammals are non-monogamous by nature? Stands to reason humans are likely non-monogamous by nature as well, and certainly the rate of cheating seems to indicate that. Embracing the desires of your partner to want to have sex with someone else can be very opening, and very powerful for a relationship.

 

There's an old saying around here about swinging; it's a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. If there are problems in your relationship, it will magnify them. If there is real love, real closeness it will magnify those. I imagine even considering swinging is having this effect on you and your husband based on your comments; you're likely making love a lot more, and feel closer to your husband. What do you think?

Thank you so much for your input. You hit several areas I have thought about. We have only just begun to talk this through. I am afraid that I won’t handle watching my husband do to another what he does to me? Jealous? Maybe a bit but, it’s the unknown that both scare me and excite me. This forum has been such a help and all are will to sharE ( excuse the pun ). Knowing that all my questions have been asked so so may others is comforting. Thanks again for you help. 

[Idahocouple6969 294]

When we started in the LS a swinging aquaintance msg Mrs ID and asked her how she kept from falling in love with a swinging partner. Caught her off guard but her answer was that it is recreational sex. 

 

It's more difficult for me to start a conversation than Mrs ID. So as most couple's in the LS I usually follow her lead. Although we do try to talk to couples that have that deer in the headlights look. Ie newbies. Because we remember our 1st time out.

 

In the beginning we did have rules but after awhile it became more of a list of stuff we don't like. It has also become a really short list. 

 

You run into every type of person in the LS, just as you would in a vanilla bar/party. You run into couples that will not play with a newbie couple as it can have its challenges. The first time you see your partner having sex with someone else besides you it can have one of 2 results. 1. You are actually jealous. And just can't handle it... even though you thought you could. Or 2. It's just about the hottest thing you have ever seen. Lots of people get off on that twinge of jealousy. We attend a party to play however sometimes it doesn't happen. For us a party is an excuse to have a few drinks, have some mind blowing sex, go back to our hotel, have some more mind blowing sex with each other and fall asleep exhausted. As we are older we usually don't go over the nights activities till the next day or two. We are just too tired ?.

 

Finally you will find couples that you hit 'em and quit 'em, couples that become great FWB, and couples that you have great sex with but have absolutely nothing in common other than the LS.  And of course the ones you wouldn't fuck with someone else's dick.  I would add that finding a couple that you BOTH like is less common but that shouldn't stop you from looking ☺️.  Please feel free to PM me ?.

[MrMrsswinger 204]

23 hours ago, Rlrose said:

I should have been more clear. I am the wife and we are talking a lot about the “rules” for us. I have a million questions and scenario “what if’s”. The idea of swinging is very exciting and erotic to me, my husband too. Maybe if will just take more time to wrap my brain around it. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. 

Be careful with the "rules". I've talked to so many couples where the rules were so outrageous that they shouldn't have bothered going. "Rules" are fine...e.g. same room only, no anal, no kissing, condoms 100% of the time, etc. When the rules get more specific, you're likely going to end up fighting/arguing and not having a good time. I remember after one encounter, the Mrs asked me about something that happened. I said "that happened?" The Mrs and I went in, talked about a few things beforehand, and most went out the window. We decided during our debrief that the main rule was that were made sure each were safe (I keep a close eye on the Mrs to make sure she is safe). Outside that, we understand that sometimes things happen that we like, don't like and/or are neutral on. We talk afterwards and move on.

 

You cannot map out every scenario and expect to be able to function. "Am I allowed to do this?", "wait, I can do this but not that..." "Uh oh, I touched the other woman there but the rule was only after XYZ happens first..." When you have two couples (four people) or more at a house party, all naked, most (if not all with some alcohol on board), things happen. 

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Rules should be looked at as a fluid thing, allowing change and modification as time goes on and things change. When we started out, we had dozens of rules - some silly (in hind sight). We even started out with the 'no kissing' rule...this lasted one night before we realized it wasn't needed. We had a soft swap only rule for awhile, but as we went forward, we removed that rule as well. Keep in mind, I used to be a very jealous person and never thought that I would be comfortable with watching my partner with someone else, but the communication we kept having, jealousy has never been a problem. So, make all the rules that you feel you need, but remember that they can be easily changed. Just remember, don't change rules when you are with another couple - changes can only be made when only the two of you are together talking about previous activity. Always move at the pace the slowest member is comfortable with - no pressure and no stress. Most important is that you are doing this TOGETHER as a team and if it isn't fun for one of you, then stop doing it (or don't move forward any further). This should be something that you are doing for and with each other. Enjoy it together and if you aren't, then just don't do it. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

We distinguish between rules and boundaries. Rules of the LS are universal , example "no means no".  They are laws.  Boundaries are limited to one or a few people. Boundaries exist in the context of fantasies and intentions. Boundaries can change my mutual agreement. By extension of "no means no", it is a rule that you one does not violate the most restrictive boundary. 

[Thegreyarea 100]

Jealousy can come in the weirdest forms too. My wife loves watching me with another woman, never bothered her, but recently had a twinge of jealousy. We were out at a small meet and greet and I was talking with the woman of a couple we had played with a couple times. She said she looked over and saw my hand on her lower back and and had a twinge of jealousy. She said it only lasted a couple seconds but was odd to her. We talked about it later that night, after we got back from their hotel room. 

[Numex 2,416]

On 10/29/2020 at 11:03 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Rules should be looked at as a fluid thing

From the original Ghostbusters:

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.

[Sigourney Weaver keeps coming on to him.]

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Numex's post reminded me of this quote from Pirates of the Caribbean:

 

"First, your return to shore was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement so I must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the pirate's code to apply and you're not. And thirdly, the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules."

 

- Capt. Barbossa

[JessicaJamison 861]

Completely depends on the other woman, I'm bi so if she is too, we usually break the ice with some fore play then pair off.  If she isn't I generally initiate taking her to my husband, thus giving permission for intimacy to start.  Once the first kiss takes place I then join her husband.  For us we generally prefer separate rooms so we will then separate for the actual sex.  Its not a jealousy issue its more of a I don't like an audience issue.  Its too hard to get out of my head and have fun.