Help Me Figure What I/We Are

[TaylorJ 3]

Full and honest disclosure, not a member, and not in the lifestyle (yet). Im in search of THOUGHTFUL and serious advice. My wife and I have been married a little over ten years. My sexual background was very different than my wife. I was inexperienced (3 total partners including her) while she had been sexually active from a young age. About three years ago she slipped when drinking and said (I think a slip) that when we met, due to me holding back on sex to see if an actual relationship was there, she maintained 9 hook up partners until we had sex 2 or so months in. That included days with up to three guys at different times. Anyhow we have a solid relationship, enjoy each other’s time, and have our own interests we maintain. About a year ago on a getaway minus the kids, and after a meal and way too many drinks we had great sex. During the sex she grabbed a couple of her dildos (yes we travel with them) and she asked me to stick one in her pussy as I fucked her in the ass. Before I knew it she was sucking one, playing with another with her free hand, and had me and the dildo inside of her. Verbatim she said “I want to get gangbanged” and exclaimed over and over things I’d never heard her say. Drunk and having fun I played along and entertained her thoughts. Unfortunately for me I seem to sober up after cumming and got a little inquisitive. At the time I wasn’t a fan of hearing her tell me she had been involved in a few gangbangs to include one just days before we got really serious but while I had been staying at her place. I didn’t ask who or how but I was both bothered and intrigued by it. Since that day it has occasionally come up in drunk conversation or in sex role play (excited pre cumming, not so much after). Due to her profession and being a small business owner she has a wide range of clients. One of those clients is involved in the adult business and seems to press upon her to get involved. Before I could even wrap my head around it she’s bringing up doing photo shoots, live streams, and selling her used panties amongst other things. It was odd to me as we do not need the money but that’s how she posed it as another income stream. I stayed open to it (sometimes yes and sometimes not really ok with it). At her request I took a bunch of pictures of her ranging from gym clothes, to lingerie, to full nude, to toying while watching porn. As I looked through the pictures the thought of showing her off got me off. My tipping point was her saying “share me” as we looked through them. After sending them to the client and her husband (he operates her business and has other clients)  she sent back a selfie of her with a goofy smiling face, one of the pictures showing on a phone, and his dick rock hard. All I could think of was how I wanted him to experience my wife and fuck her with his huge dick. So much so that I pumped the brakes on the idea. Please tell me, WHY IN THE FUCK DO I FEEL THIS WAY AND WHY AM I SO CONFLICTED OVER SOMETHING I REALLY WANT (I THINK)!!?, I’m almost afraid she’s not going to be as into it as I am or something. I also have this feeling that I don’t want to “know” or get to know who would fuck her but at the same time want to see it and know it’s happening. Is that normal or am I nuts? A handful of times since we’ve gone onto various apps and she’s exchanged pictures back and forth with guys who suit her eye. Same feeling each time and great for both of us. Is this a fantasy I never realized I had? Should I leave it as it is? I have little to no interest in having sex with another woman. Typically we will have sex, mainly anal, and she finishes herself with one or two of her larger toys. We’re mainly anal as that what gives her the best orgasm as I’m about 4” hard on a really great day with slightly less than average girth. Is that playing into my thoughts as well knowing I’m limited with her needs? My wife is exotically pretty, 5’2” 140, double d implants, a pussy so wet that it looks like someone came inside her (her white cum literally runs out), loves anal, will force you to pull out for intermittent ass to mouth, and best of all loves to eat my ass. I know I will hear about the news to communicate and I agree. I’d also appreciate some input on my questions and feelings as well as there’s no way I’m alone. Thank you and have an amazing day!

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

I think the experienced members will all tell you the same thing, that we will be blunt with what we think about a post. It's no service to you for us to tell you one thing and think another. So, I'll be blunt here. I'm seeing red flags; not enormous ones, but fairly big.

 

I don't think your wife is being totally forthcoming with why she wants to sell her used panties. It obviously isn't for money. There's another reason. That the two of you aren't talking honestly and openly about it is a big red flag to me. Swinging demands honest and openness between you, else it will lead to disaster. ?

 

Your wife's experience is also apparently leading to her progressing this far more rapidly than you are quite ready for. It's a common piece of advice around here; always move at the pace of the slower spouse. It's ok to be slow. It's not ok for the other spouse to rush ahead and leave you in the dirt. This, too, is razing a big red flag to me. She has to want you to be fully onboard with this, and both of you will enjoy it far more if you're both on the same page, in full communication, and in full support of each other. ?

 

You appear to be very conflicted about how much you do or don't want to know. It's a dawning realization that your wife is a very strongly sexual creature. That can change your view of her, and if you're not 100% open with each it could be for the negative. There's nothing wrong with her being so intensely sexual. It doesn't make her a slut, and doesn't mean she's less of a person for it. Give her a safe environment to open up her deepest desires to you, without judgment, without criticism, and you will find yourselves becoming much, much closer. Same goes for her giving you that environment. I don't see that environment right now. I see both of you holding back from each other. This is a major red flag too. ?

 

I don't see a huge problem with your wife's sexual experiences overlapping with your relationship with her, in that you weren't serious with her yet. Ok, you were staying at your place, but by your own admission it wasn't a serious relationship yet. It would have been nice if she'd been more open with you about it, but it's water ten years+ under the bridge now. Let it go. Work on the future. Communicate with her.

 

Your wife obviously has a very high sex drive. That's perfectly fine. Swinging is a way to satiate that desire. If your relationship is otherwise very loving, very close, then swinging can be a great release for her to have all the sex she craves. If your relationship isn't that way, then swinging will cause great harm to your relationship.

 

As for your desire to have another man have sex with your wife; there's nothing wrong with that. For me, I can tell you this; I absolutely love watching my wife have sex with other men. I love seeing it, hearing her reaction, seeing her reaction, and if she's giving me head at the same time _feeling_ her reaction. It's intensely erotic. Probably the most erotic thing to me is when my wife had a regular boyfriend (two, at different times) and she played with them without condoms. When we had threesomes I really loved making love to her right after her boyfriend came inside of her. Early on, this was very confusing to me, like it seems with you. I tried really, really hard to understand how I could want and enjoy my wife having sex with other men. Nothing in our lives prepares us for understanding why I as a guy would want to have sex with my wife right after another man came inside of her. I gave up trying to answer that question. I came to realize it's not a logical question and doesn't have a logical answer. It's purely emotional, one that feels fantastic for her and for me. It's ok to want to see your wife having sex with another man. You don't have to explain it to yourself. It's ok to just relish the thought and enjoy it if it happens.

 

It's great that your wife gets that wet. My wife occasionally does that with a swing partner, where she starts to (what I call) cream on her partner. You can see it on his cock as she's fucking him. Delightful It also lets me know she's thoroughly enjoying him, and having a great time.

 

As for having 4"; stop worrying about it. Virtually every woman will tell you it's not about the size. That said, my wife has enjoyed a wide array of penis sizes and enjoys having it all. I've seen my wife have sex with men about your size. I've seen her have sex with a man whose penis was absolutely enormous, both in girth and length. She loves it all. You aren't insufficient; the proof of that is your wife is married to you after these ten years and chooses you.

 

It's ok if you have little interest in having sex with other women. That might change, but if it never does it's ok. MFMs are lots of fun, and if that and variants (MMMFMMM, etc ) are all you ever do, it's great.

 

In general; I'd say the two of you have quite a bit of talking to do before going any further with this. Feel free to keep asking us questions. We're a helpful bunch and will be happy to answer.

 

 

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There are several Cardinal Rules of Swinging that tend to pop up in replies all throughout this site, and one of them is "move at the pace of the slowest person."  Right now, that sounds like that is you, by a long shot.  If she's not willing to do that, or even get close to doing that, then that probably says this is more about her than it is you together as a couple. That's not a recipe for long term success in swinging; in fact, it's almost a guarantee of failure...catastrophic life changing failure.

 

If swinging is something she wants for the both of you, then just keep up the talking and see where it evolves to. There's no timeline on this.  You may warm to the idea and become more enthusiastic about it, her interest may wane some or a lot, or maybe both, or maybe neither. But, whatever it ends up, you need to have arrived there together and at the same time.  That's the only way I see it working.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

Let us add a complementary perspective. Marriage is a journey. Ask any long-married couple--here we are speaking of 30+ years--and they will tell you that while they may still be madly in love, they are not the same people who were in love in the beginning. Everyone changes. In the beginning, there is romantic love and often a desire to adapt to the other's idealization. As time goes on, there are revelations as to who the other 'really' is. Sometimes these revelations are merely quirks. Other times, they are destructive, awful, and the marriage needs to be dissolved. Among the long-marrieds, they (and we) were fortunate to marry partners with shared values that enabled them to navigate the revelations and growth that make the arcs of a marriage interesting. 

 

When the LS enters the conversation in a marriage, two conversations often need to happen. The first is about fantasies, intentions, and boundaries. It's both clarification and negotiation. The second, and perhaps more important, conversation is about the two toxic affects: envy and jealousy. Envy (I wish I had what s/he's got) is an expression of fear of inadequacy--the "I'm not good enough" tape that we all play in our heads from time to time. Jealousy is something else again--an expression of the fear of abandonment. Those twin fears are hard enough to acknowledge much less bring up in discussion. But they will be somehow confronted in the lifestyle. 

 

Beneath all of this lies something much deeper--how each of us perceives loss and the risk of loss. Life's hard truth is that everything we hold dear--home, job, wealth, those we love, and even life itself can vanish in an instant. Dig a bit, and just about everyone in the LS has experienced some sort of deep loss--and managed to recover. You'll seen a surfeit of first responders in the LS who deal with tragedy daily. You'll see doctors and teachers and...yes...clergy in the LS, all of whom deal with life's fragilities. That is often the stimulus to see their marriages with great clarity--foundations, values, and why they remain so deeply committed to and in love with their spouses. 

[Numex 2,459]

On 10/27/2020 at 4:27 PM, bbarnsworth said:

 

I don't see a huge problem with your wife's sexual experiences overlapping with your relationship with her,

Pretty much everyone today was fucking someone else when they met the person who would become their spouse.  Even before we started swinging, I treasured those stories as did my wife.  It's actually a good way to start the conversation. 

[Numex 2,459]

Specific answers to your specific questions: 

On 10/27/2020 at 11:58 AM, TaylorJ said:

WHY IN THE FUCK DO I FEEL THIS WAY AND WHY AM I SO CONFLICTED OVER SOMETHING I REALLY WANT

Many people, men especially, want 1) to see their wife as a porn performer and 2) want her to enjoy herself.  Social norms say otherwise. 

 

On 10/27/2020 at 11:58 AM, TaylorJ said:

Is that normal or am I nuts?

For folks here, it's normal, although in the general population you'll find plenty of people who will tell you it's nuts, while secretly desiring it themselves. 

 

On 10/27/2020 at 11:58 AM, TaylorJ said:

Is this a fantasy I never realized I had? Should I leave it as it is?

Doesn't matter, you have it now.  No, but ask your wife. 

 

On 10/27/2020 at 11:58 AM, TaylorJ said:

Is that playing into my thoughts as well knowing I’m limited with her needs?

Perhaps, but it doesn't matter.