Are exhibitionists and voyeurs considered not "true swingers"?

[chocvanillaswrl 15]

Hi! We are new to swinging. We always plan on being upfront and honest with everyone about what we are looking for, but it seems that some swingers view the fact that we are a couple who wants to only watch or be watched with no contact at all to mean that we are not really being "serious about this", or that we are "not really swingers, soft or otherwise". We are not into labels at all, but we found it interesting that we have heard this view on more than one occasion.

 

We figure as long as we are honest about expectations upfront, then what is the big deal, but it appears that there is a lot of negativity around the whole voyeur/exhibitionist thing. Is this true, or did we just run into discussions with a few "bad apples" who don't represent the typical view? We look forward to hearing everyone's perspective on this.

 

Thanks!

[Vjklander 138]

You are certainly not alone. There are a lot of folks who only like to watch or be seen. As long as you hook up with people with complementary desires, who cares what it is called. I don't think there really is a definition of 'swinger' that would satisfy the 'necessary and sufficient' clause. I prefer to use the term 'sharing pleasures'.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you asked everyone on this board what a swinger is, you'd probably get a different answer from each of them.

 

In general, softswinging includes everything from same room sex (which is what you are describing - watching and being watched) to anything short of actually exchanging partners for intercourse.... and there are soft swingers on both ends of that spectrum as well as everywhere in between.

 

Sounds like what you are running into is other "soft swingers" who are on the opposite end of the spectrum from you.

 

When you post an ad what do you post? Do you just say that you are interested in soft-swinging? Or are you clear about only wanting to watch and be watched?

[chocvanillaswrl 15]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to our post! We are both very open and honest in any communication we have with people about this as we make it known upfront that we are not looking for any physical contact whatsoever. It may sound stern, but we feel this does not leave any gray area for misunderstanding. We guess that some people will always like to put labels on others for whatever reason, but it was nice to find this board because after reading through a number of the posts, you guys seem really open and honest, and that is what we like. Thanks again for the reply!

[sharp1 15]

You sound like very nice people, the kind we all would like to meet, keep doin' what your doin'.

[chocvanillaswrl 15]

Thank you for the compliment, it is greatly appreciated! Our big thing is that even though all this is new to us, we will approach it just as we do everything in life, with honesty open communication and common sense. We believe that the most important part of any relationship is communication, trust, and honesty, so since we focus on these Big 3 characteristics already, it is nothing new to us as we explore new avenues in our relationship.

 

We are a team (although he is the faster typist so if there are ever any misspellings blame it on him) so everything from these messages to meeting new people has been agreed on to be done together, that way everything is out and open from the beginning. Thanks again for taking the time to respond. One thing we can guarantee is that we will be honestly consistent and consistently honest!

[Spoomonkey 421]

Mr and Mrs Spoomonkey started thinking we'd be voyeurs - and then we decided to swing on wilder vines...

 

But, we have been with a couple who only wanted to watch and be watched and it was incredibly erotic. We can't think of any reason why - if we connected with you a friends - we wouldn't be willing to play according to your comfort zones... Not everyone would be that way (interested in voyeuristic play) - but people who would want to debate you with some form of "you really aren't good swingers if I can't bang your wife" probably do represent a small segment - rightfully classified as "bad apples".

 

The lifestyle is about you and your SO. In the end, that is what this lifestyle is meant to enhance.

 

I would suggest a good way to determine if what you are into is considered "swinging" is this - tell your pastor what you are doing. If he spits out his tea, you're swingers.

[Brit_Pair 62]

Originally posted by Spoomonkey

Mr and Mrs Spoomonkey started thinking we'd be voyeurs - and then we decided to swing on wilder vines...

Ditto... although the vines we've swung on aren't as wild as some out there.

 

As others have said, it doesn't really matter what name you assign to your level of participation. What matters is that you're upfront, clear and honest with potential playmates about what you want, and how far you're willing to go. That way, you should never find yourself in water deeper than you're prepared for.

 

And regardless of those who might be disparaging about your limits, if you find the idea of 'watching and being watched' exciting, then rest assured, you're not alone.

[LadyCleo 16]

To each his own.

 

*WE* won't play with a couple that is in it just as voyeurs/exhibitionists. We don't have a problem with people who feel that way. If you think you are a swinger, then you are.

 

We just are looking for something more.

[krustyandnancy 15]

chocvanillaswrl, like you, Nancy and I are exhibitionists and voyeurs and nothing more at this point, and like you, we find it tough to feel as if we fit into the swinging community. It commonly feels as if we're the only couple of our kind in the whole Washington/Baltimore area, although we know that can't be the case.

 

On top of that, Nancy and I also don't feel comfortable meeting people privately. We're relatively new in the lifestyle and we're pretty shy (especially Nancy), so we feel more comfortable in a situation that allows us to remain anonymous...which explains why we opt to play in local adult theaters, rather than posting and answering ads online. (We did make one visit to a local on-premise swingers club and had a good time, so we may do more of that in the future as well).

 

Wanting only to be watched and watch others, combined with our need for anonymity, leaves us little in the way of options, so we generally never find a couple to enjoy our level of swinging with. On rare occasions, another couple will show up at the adult theater who isn't there just to see the movie...but 97% of the time, it's just Nancy and I letting our hair down and having our fun while the single guys gather around to enjoy the show. It's still a lot of fun, but we always wish we could find another couple who matches our unique preferences.

[Guest happyhubby]

Hi,

 

I posed the question as to whether any others here were into exhibitionism but didn't get much response. We got into it as my wife loves going out in public not wearing very much and I love observing her public exposure and the reactions it brings. She loves the feeling of sexual freedom and attention. It has been the most exciting experience of our lives and an incredible enhancement to our sex lives.

 

We wondered if others participated in that lifestyle and are happy to see there are some. We did find a new forum just starting up for folks who enjoy this that shows great promise.

 

At any rate, enjoy your passions and know you are not the only ones.

[chocvanillaswrl 15]

We just wanted to say hello to you both since my b/f actually has family in the Maryland/DC area and we are actually flying out there next weekend to spend some time with them. Any information you could provide on clubs out there would be great as we talked about maybe trying one in the area, since we would not have to worry about running into any of our friends or co-workers all the way out there

 

Also, we have been looking for a place that gives couples massages, so if you happen to know of one of those, that would be great as well. He has told me of places he used to go to back in his college days, but they were for guys only (no fair!), so this time we said we wanted to find a place to enjoy together. Hope you guys have a great weekend, hope to talk to you again soon!

[krustyandnancy 15]

Originally posted by happyhubby

We wondered if others participated in that lifestyle and are happy to see there are some. We did find a new forum just starting up for folks who enjoy this that shows great promise.

 

happyhubby, great to hear that you and your wife share the same kind of excitement that we do! So, where is that new forum for exhibitionists you found?

[sexypairca 41]

As others have stated you will get a variety of opinions on the exhibitionist/voyeurs "status" in the lifestyle. I personally believe that it is a form of soft swing and would not exclude people if that was their boundary. Visual stimulation is a large player in the game of sex and isn't that what exhibitionists and voyeurs are into?