Tainted?

[BallCapBabexox 15]

Hey everyone, 

Very happy for those of your initial experiences that went off without a hitch but I seem to have hit a tricky spot. 

My partner and I are new to the lifestyle and have engaged in our first soft swap however afterwards when talking about the experience, my partner indicated feelings of me being less desirable because someone else had ‘had’ me,  like I was tainted.

These were not necessarily angry words/more talking through new feelings. He indicated not liking this way of thinking and was eager to find a shift in perspective. 

Any similar experiences? 
Things that helped shift your thought process?

Anything I can be doing differently? 

Attending proactive therapy as well to help us navigate/communicate about this new life-  we are a very healthy, loving couple. No worries folks. Just many experienced, helpful people on this board so figured I’d ask. 
Thanks. 

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by BallCapBabexox

[njbm 2,901]

I am sorry that your partner thinks this way. Sex is not a limited commodity. Performing sexual acts is not a bad thing, it’s a good thing. The lifestyle goes against  societal norms. It takes a different frame of reference. It takes an adjustment to accept the norms of this practice. I just hate to hear a partner make the other partner feel bad for participating. 
 

Keep talking. See if this lifestyle can work for both of you. 

[MrMrsswinger 205]

He said you were less desirable because someone else "had" you after a soft swap. Yikes. I would highly recommend NOT moving onto a full swap as there is no way he'll be able to handle another man having sex with you, and watching you/hearing you enjoy it.

 

This is always a risk of entering the lifestyle. For us, watching the other getting please in manner we can't enjoy alone is the attraction to this lifestyle. The first time I watched the Mrs interact with a woman was incredibly sexy. The image is burned into my memory...a sexy woman was laying naked on the bed. Mrs was leaning over the edge of the bed with her head between her legs. The other husband was standing next to me watching. I handed him a condom and said "you should go fuck her from behind". He put the condom on, positioned behind the Mrs. The Mrs raised her head slightly and made eye contact with me as the other husband grabbed her hips. The look on her face as this other guy slowly penetrated her was amazing. She moaned and then went back to eating the other woman. It was awesome.

 

The Mrs told me a similar story about how hot it was as she was being eaten by the other woman and I slid into her from behind. We were looking at each other while I was entering another woman and she was being eaten by her. So freaking hot.

 

Reminiscing these encounters turns us on. They aren't negative. 

 

Again, I would highly recommend not pursuing the lifestyle any further if you want to stay with your current partner. 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

You should stop (at least for the time being) and try and figure out why he is feeling this way. Usually the feeling is the opposite: someone else desires you like they do verifying that you are more desirable, not less. This isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but it is something that needs addressing now and not later.

[lcmim 1,086]

Is it possible that he sees himself as "less" because of this?
 

 

Many of us guys perceive our own self worth in proportion to our value to our ladies.

One of the markers of that worth is that we are the ones who give you ladies plaesure.

Once that is relinquished it can happen that we might see ourselves as less valuable as someone else provides that service also.

 

I think that lies at the base of much of the possessiveness and jealous that we see.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I'm sorry this is making you feel this way. I could be way off, here, and I'm not sure I'm wording this correctly, but maybe this is relevant:

 

Sexuality, and especially female sexuality, is tied up with a lot of assumptions in our culture. Disney movies and more set the tone that sex and love are closely linked, and that if a woman has sex with someone, that there's some kind of bond forged between them.

 

Yet most sex is not about that, and it never has been. If your partner is somewhat experienced, no doubt there have been women he was with simply for fun or convenience and who he never thinks about. I can say that out of the women I was with, 80% of them, we shared nothing significant. We were just horny. I've also had the experience of running into women I had casual sex with regularly - for weeks or months - years ago who didn't even remember me at first.

 

Sex and sex partners come and go and our lives move on, and men tend to realize this intuitively. However, we're strongly conditioned to reject the idea that women can experience the same thing and really can pursue casual sex, too.

 

If you're going to keep pursuing this hobby - or even if you aren't and just need to deal with what already happened - his shift in perspective may need to be on getting onto the same page together about this being something you're exploring together, a shared interest, that you both view as solely for fun and entertainment. The inclusion of a "stunt cock" is just that, and unless he's a very odd guy, he knew what they were all there for, too, or he wouldn't have been keen on swapping his own partner.

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by EastInWest

[enhancer 1,586]

Feeling your spouse is tainted after they have been with someone else is the opposite feeling you are going to want to have in this lifestyle!  Personally if either one of us felt this way we stop immediately and resume being with just each other.  Not even sure why there would be any point in being in the lifestyle other then personal gain for ones self  if you are going to feel that way when your spouse is with someone else.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

There was a person who posted this nugget of wisdom from time to time (I can't remember the exact quote, but this is close):

 

Swinging is great for many, but it isn't for everyone.

 

I echo a number of comments made above. His reaction is decidedly the opposite of the one most people have when getting into swinging. That does NOT make his reaction WRONG. It's just his reaction. Certainly stop any swinging activities immediately, and discuss. Let it simmer. Maybe someday you can try again, but it could damage your relationship if you proceed any further right now. Wanting to feel different is one thing...but emotions do not speak logic, and logic doesn't speak emotion.

[Numex 2,459]

On 12/6/2020 at 9:27 PM, BallCapBabexox said:

my partner indicated feelings of me being less desirable because someone else had ‘had’ me,  like I was tainted.

I have no advice because after our first experiences, my feeling were the opposite.  I was flattered that other men found my wife so attractive, that she had enjoyed herself so much, that it all got me excited, and finally that her pussy was better than ever.  Tell him this is how to think of your sex with other guys: exercising your sexual aspects, physically and mentally, make you better for him and makes you want and love him more.  Using your body as it was meant to be used makes it stronger and better for him.  That's what I think, believe, and found to be true.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,423]

Mixed feelings are normal but do need to be addressed.  The idea of a partner being "less desirable" afterwards is sort of opposite how it works for most people so I think this is a red flag that needs to be talked out.

 

Has anybody here seen that Playboy channel reality show 'Swing'?  The jist is that a brand new couple gets indoctrinated into swinging for the first time.  At the start of each episode the couples sign a short contract that basically states that they are entering into a situation where the rules rules of a monogamous relationship will be temporarily set aside, and everybody agrees NOT to hold what happens against each other once the adventure is over. 

 

Having a similar contract when starting out is a great idea that we highly reccomend.  Go forward with minds and communication as open as possible.