Seeing your spouse with someone else

[Loulou22 0]

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle right at 3 years. During that time we have been in quite a few MFM threesomes. I have yet to see him with another woman. We have done the foreplay, I have watched him kiss and makeout with other women and have even watched him give and receive oral. There have been quite a few attempts but it's like when it comes time for the actual sex part, I freeze up and when I do, my brain fogs up and I can't give a straight reply or reason about anything. It's not a jealousy issue. We have a very secure marriage. I just don't know what it is. Has anyone had issues like this before?

[discreetplay 235]

I (the guy) was apprehensive about going full swap. Our first encounter was soft swap (barely) where the women played and the guys stayed with their partners. It was all I thought I could handle. It was ok but not worth the time. The Mrs finally said 'we should go all in or not at all. Your call'. Her reasoning was that finding couples who would only soft swap would be difficult. Add in that the time we have to meet up with others is so infrequent that our chances would be even less. I mulled it over for about a week and said we should contact the couple we soft swapped with and see if they wanted to give it another go. 

 

The thought of having my wife having sex with another guy was tough. The visual...was awesome. 

 

Everyone has a place in this lifestyle. Your husband is an extremely patient guy to spend three years watching you getting pleased by another man, orally pleasing another man, etc and you hold onto 'no sex with other females.

 

[couplers 4,638]

1 hour ago, discreetplay said:

the women played and the guys stayed with their partners. It was all I thought I could handle. It was ok but not worth the time.

Did the women think that it was worth the time?  Discovering my Lesbian side was certainly worth it for me.

 

1 hour ago, discreetplay said:

Your husband is an extremely patient guy to spend three years watching you getting pleased by another man, orally pleasing another man, etc and you hold onto 'no sex with other females.

That beats my husband, I was having no limits sex with my boyfriend for two years before deciding that I wanted to be on the other side as well.  It helped that I selected the women from among my friends.

 

My recommendation is to just go for it.  If it's not working out, just pause, readjust, and decide how to move ahead.

Edited January 7, 2021 by couplers

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Sometimes you have to close your eyes and jump. Would a glass of wine help? I really do have a better time with a couple of drinks.  Maybe more foreplay? 

[Loulou22 0]

3 hours ago, discreetplay said:

 

Everyone has a place in this lifestyle. Your husband is an extremely patient guy to spend three years watching you getting pleased by another man, orally pleasing another man, etc and you hold onto 'no sex with other females.

You make a very good point. I agree he has been very patient and understanding which he has dabbled in the lifestyle with his first wife but up until 3 years ago I was more of the "Sunday school teacher" type, which is what he has compared me to before ?. Which no, none of that is an excuse by no means, it's just been a huge adjustment to everything I was ever taught to think. 

3 hours ago, discreetplay said:

 

 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

Rule no. 1 for us has always been: Nobody does anything they are uncomfortable with.

You'll know when you're ready to push the envelope, or it may just be a spontaneous feeling, so if ppl are generally happy where they are don't rush things.

Also, as @Idahocouple6969 says, a glass of wine is often helpful to feel relaxed and ease inhibitions.  Every time my wife and i did "push the envelope" and try new things we always wondered what we used to be so scared of.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Hind sight is always 20/20...but it is much better not to do something than to do it and have regrets. Take your time, don't rush anything, enjoy the time you are having, and it will come...or it won't. What does it matter? Never move faster than the slowest of the group is comfortable with.

[couplers 4,638]

9 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

it is much better not to do something than to do it and have regrets.

I am not reckless by any measure, but my philosophy is the opposite.  Regrets come from what is not tried as well as what is.  You only need to ponder an adventure for a long time if it is something permanent, like quitting a job and moving elsewhere or having a child.  Having sex with someone is not such an event, you can just stop, it doesn't detract from you.

 

One of my biggest "regrets" early on was playing for some months with a guy who turned out not to be nice and not even a good sexual partner.  My husband recognized that I was persisting at it even though it was unfulfilling because I hate to fail at something; I was trying to make sex with this guy "work," and hubby told me it was ok just to let it go.  It turned out to be a good lesson, and not really a regret.

[travelingprofessional 47]

On 1/6/2021 at 9:27 PM, Loulou22 said:

You make a very good point. I agree he has been very patient and understanding which he has dabbled in the lifestyle with his first wife but up until 3 years ago I was more of the "Sunday school teacher" type, which is what he has compared me to before ?. Which no, none of that is an excuse by no means, it's just been a huge adjustment to everything I was ever taught to think. 

 

I'm a guy who has a desire to please. For some reason I'm wired to enjoy giving rather than receiving. I'd bet a psychologist would have a field day with me. I hated Christmas from a very young age because I don't like gifts. My parents used to give me gifts with the receipt, knowing I would return whatever they got me. And I always made sure they got the credit back. I've always loved giving pleasure to partners, with no need for reciprocation. I feel bad when a woman gives me a blowjob and I'm not able to reciprocate. Yes, it feels wonderful during, if I can get my mind right, but afterwards I feel selfish. I'm always willing to please a woman orally, digitally, and/or please with toys. When I hear friends talk about sex, it is always about their pleasure. They cum, woman, eh, maybe. I always found that when you give a woman an orgasm (or multiple), they're likely to return for more. And I'm always willing to provide it.

 

With that said, I would think that after three years of watching you with other men, knowing that you have no problem being sexual with another man, etc that even I would want another woman involved, whether it be a FMF or MFMF. I would think there comes a day when he realizes that you're, well, kinda selfish. It may not be soon, but I bet it'll happen. 

 

I'd recommend not continuing with MFM threesomes until you're able to open your mind to him getting more than a random blowjob while you're getting ^$^%$&^ by other men.

 

 

[lovefest04 699]

LouLou22 - Is your husband complaining? I think the assumption here is that he is unhappy with the arrangement.

 

Maybe swinging for your two will always be MFM with penetration and soft swap for him with other women. Then, hopefully great sex between the two of you.

 

We all have our own comfort levels. You are not broken or wrong.

 

You may try being with him and another woman together, a woman that you feel deeply for and want to experience great sex. You could help him pleasure her, be involved in the process in a way that you WANT him to please her completely. Then roll with it. As Couplers stated, sometimes it's what you don't do that creates regret. If you find it's not for you, say so, move on and enjoy. No harm no foul, your relationship will survive especially if you simply move on. Decide not to give it any energy.

 

[herpob 564]

Wine really does help, not to much though.

 

I really wanted my husband to go down on a wife of a couple we did same room sex with our mates. Her husband had filled her three times full and I so wanted my husband to go down on her (it was to be his first time eating someone else out since we married and his first cream pie that wasn't his, so it was a double the fun. As hot as I was and as much as I wanted to see him clean her out I was nervous as heck. My husband's mouth was going to be, be, be, well you know down there on someone else... I knew it was going to be an amazing experience for him I was caught twixt in between as you mentioned. I got another glass of wine finally saying what the heck dove in between her legs first asking him to join me. NOT something I just pop in and do. Oh my goodness, we had the time of our life and the poor lady was squirming and bucking all over. Her husband had to help hold her down. We lost count of her orgasms and we had a most delicious super deep kiss afterwards.  It took weeks for my husband to get over the fact of what he had eaten out of her. I told him to focus on the fact of us eating her pussy out together as a couple, while I did focus on all the cum we ate out of her together, which worked for me. Hey, to each her/his own. We got through it, had fun, and have a wonderful memory of a great experience we share.

[EastInWest 1,524]

On 1/6/2021 at 9:19 PM, Idahocouple6969 said:

Sometimes you have to close your eyes and jump. Would a glass of wine help? I really do have a better time with a couple of drinks.  Maybe more foreplay? 

Whenever we've been trying threesomes with a new partner, we always found a bottle of wine was roughly the correct amount. One glass to talk and get comfortable, and enough to top them off when you start undressing.

 

If there's any awkwardness as you're first touching, etc., having the glass there and taking a sip is actually kind of a nice fidget item.

[Tommythecat 0]

My wife and I are having the same issues, one of the issues I'm having is after every threesome or sexual  encounter she had with another man, there is always an excuse why I can't have the "reclaim". And most of the time it's because I dinner something wrong in the threesome with her and another man.???

 

What am I doing wrong?

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Simple...you aren't ready to be swinging. This is a sign that there is something wrong in the relationship and that she can't or won't tell you what it is should be a HUGE for you. You need to stop, have a talk with her, and find out what the issue is before continuing. The reclaiming is usually the best part! If she isn't allowing that, it seems like she doesn't want to be reclaimed by you. Good luck, but PLEASE find out what is going on before continuing.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

14 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Simple...you aren't ready to be swinging. This is a sign that there is something wrong in the relationship and that she can't or won't tell you what it is should be a HUGE for you. You need to stop, have a talk with her, and find out what the issue is before continuing. The reclaiming is usually the best part! If she isn't allowing that, it seems like she doesn't want to be reclaimed by you. Good luck, but PLEASE find out what is going on before continuing.

You know I read this post several times and Gold is right. Your mind is telling you something is wrong. You really do need to figure out what is going on. Until you do not only are you not getting any enjoyment out of it but you are risking serious harm to your relationship. All I can say is when we get home we go at it like a couple of rabbits. 

 

 

[herpob 564]

Totally not ever worth risking your marriage or relationship.  Practice a lot more Role play and possible even purchase a nice quality sex doll or two. We still have loads of fun with ours and the fantasies never go south - lol.

[10thBadger 25]

I’m not sure why the other reader said just jump into it and if something goes wrong just pause and readjust. If there was a problem with anything you do in the swing community from what others have said this is something that you cannot un see and say ok that did not happen. My wife and I have been reading on this site for a while and every time something goes wrong one partner is always saying that you cannot un see something that hurt them. I believe it could be done by some by just pushing it off but for others it has destroyed our marriage and my marriage is too precious to do something but my wife thinks it is interesting but something that we can never do.

[10thBadger 25]

If your husband has been watching you’d be pleased by another man for three years, he is a patient man but how long will his patients last. Of course he’s trying to keep you happy at the same time trying to keep his marriage intact but when will enough be enough and he blows up it says damn that is it?

[10thBadger 25]

If it’s not jealousy, then why is it OK for you to be plowed by a different guys for three years but you freeze up if your husband tries to do the same? I think I agree with the other guy who made the comment that you sound a little bit selfish. Do you want your cake and eat it too? But then again sooner or later your husband will demand that either you stop or both of you get equal billing

[Eddiem 139]

Me thinks you are not ready to cross that great line. For me it was crossed unintentionally sort of. It just happened after too much wine and a recently divorced friend whom my SO would never normally be attracted to.