Bi female struggles to orgasm

[Blue_au 2]

My husband and I have been swinging for about a year. Lots of fun experiences, fun people and we have developed a great network of swingers we hang out with socially as well as for play. 

I really struggle to orgasm, even alone, and I'm finding the further along we go on this journey, the more its messing with my head. I'm noticing that people give up on me because I'm not responsive (ie, don't climax, even though im evidently enjoying myself), and the play then tends to focus on the responsive female in the room. All the other females we've played with (unicorns and couples) have been multiple orgasm women and intense feelings of inadequacy are creeping in. I can't even bare the thought of my husband having penetrative sex with another woman because I can't bear the thought of 'her' climaxing in a way that I will never have with my husband. Soft swing is becoming an issue as well, to the point where, while I enjoy the initial thrill of meeting new people, I'm avoiding potential play situations because it fills me with anxiety.

Has anyone walked this path or similar? Any pearls of wisdom? I'm feeling really stuck and want to be able to continue making connections and playing, but I'm struggling to move beyond this atm.

Many thanks

(Please no suggestions to just fake it)

[adamgunn 1,460]

Have you talked with a doctor about this?

[MidwestHoneys 358]

I am not an expert as a guy I can’t understand not cumming. I do know not every woman cums every time or has huge orgasms. It could be physical or psychological reasons that are stopping you or you just aren’t orgasmic. If you are enjoying being with others and they are not complaining just do what you enjoy. As a male if I get to fuck a woman who is enjoying and she doesn’t cum and I have been with some that say they did and I didn’t know, I am happy to fuck away. If you enjoy sucking a cock I can’t imagine any man who wouldn’t be thrilled. 

Have you tried all the toys available? I simple vibrator on your clit works great for my wife or maybe you need one that gets to your g spot. I enjoy using toys on my wife and also enjoy just watching her playing with them herself. 

I am pretty sure not every woman is orgasmic or multi orgasmic. If you are having a good time just enjoy it. Possibly you are sending out signals that you are not enjoying. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Ms. Gold has a similar problem (most likely a result of overthinking things and that once it happens, you tend to focus on it even more). It's hard for her to orgasm (she has to 'get out of her head') but when she does, it's MASSIVE...but still rare. Wish there was a magic bullet for this but the solution is just communication and making sure that everyone knows that you enjoy the attention that you are getting. Bringing it to everyone's attention will most likely make the group more aware and sympathetic and less likely to leave you alone. Either try that or come over to our house, you'll fit right in and won't be left alone.

[couplers 4,640]

2 hours ago, MidwestHoneys said:

Have you tried all the toys available?

Include in that list various types of human stimulation as well.

 

One quite young and somewhat inexperienced woman who hubby and I played with early on found it difficult to orgasm with penis in vagina sex, which had been the only kind she had had.  When he went down on her though she really had intense orgasms.  No one had ever seriously done that for her before.  Hubby and I used to joke afterwards that when one of us would offer to lick her (I think I did an even better job), her pants flew off by themselves.  Other women wanted specific nipple play, or a finger gently moved around in her bum, music on/music off, watch another couple having sex, be alone.

 

So try different thing with different people and see what works.

Edited January 7, 2021 by couplers

[Blue_au 2]

3 hours ago, couplers said:

Include in that list various types of human stimulation as well.

 

So try different thing with different people and see what works.

I've tried 'all' the toys, a VAST array of positions, types of play, types of stimulation. 

I can cum, it just takes a really long time and when it happens, its epic. I've yet to find other swingers who are prepared to take me where I need to go...even with good communication and reciprocating several times with everyone involved. It's very disheartening always being the only one in the room who doesn't finish or leave with that blissful glow. I love sex (in its many forms) and make it known I'm enjoying the feelings...alwayseft with that "blue balls" female equivalent and a deep feeling of inadequacy

[Blue_au 2]

3 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

It's hard for her to orgasm (she has to 'get out of her head') but when she does, it's MASSIVE...but still rare.

 Either try that or come over to our house, you'll fit right in and won't be left alone.

Same for me...it takes a while but is epic when I get there, and even though I reciprocate several times with all involved, I've yet to find other swingers who will go the distance with me. It feels pretty rubbish...

I think the 'getting out of her head' thing is also quite relevant for me. Easy to say, not so easy to do.

For all that we hear that there's women who struggle to orgasm and it's not that unusual, your wife is the first instance I've actually ever heard of. Thank you for replying and not making me feel so alone and broken for once

[Blue_au 2]

6 hours ago, MidwestHoneys said:

Possibly you are sending out signals that you are not enjoying. 

I'm really not. I always reciprocate (several times) too.

I have tried all the toys, many positions, types of play and stimulation. I can orgasm and its epic when I do, just have never found anyone prepared to go the distance...like everyone else is blissful and tired and helping the last person finish is boring. Despite having fun during the play, I'm the only one left unfinished and feeling inadequate. 

[barefoot_so_goo 46]

Are you on medications that could be interfering with your ability to orgasm? I've had this problem off and on. Fortunately I haven't been on anything that wasn't temporary, and my responses came back.

 

I had a girlfriend that said she couldn't orgasm from PIV sex. Once we found the right toy, and I was patient enough (very tough, as she was super hot), she could get there most of the time. Best position was sitting up with her in my lap, so she could press into the toy. It could get uncomfortable for me, but I didn't mind because she was so grateful, and I wanted her to have a good time.

 

letting others know about your problem can help match you with people in the same situation. Lots of men who can't get there, especially with condoms, so they could take the time you need. I was on trazodone for a long time, and it took me up to an hour to get there. It was actually a negative for me sometimes, but it would work great for you. HTH.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

On 1/7/2021 at 4:33 PM, Blue_au said:

I'm really not. I always reciprocate (several times) too.

I have tried all the toys, many positions, types of play and stimulation. I can orgasm and its epic when I do, just have never found anyone prepared to go the distance...like everyone else is blissful and tired and helping the last person finish is boring. Despite having fun during the play, I'm the only one left unfinished and feeling inadequate. 

I know two different women who need extra time for having an orgasm; one of them a lot of extra time. She has needed lesser time since having estrogen implants. I am not recommending this as your solution as I do not completely know your situation and I am not a medical professional but i do know that was a way for one person. 

 

The other woman is simply happy for the fact that she enjoys sex without orgasm. 

 

 

[herpob 564]

On 1/7/2021 at 4:33 PM, Blue_au said:

I'm really not. I always reciprocate (several times) too.

I have tried all the toys, many positions, types of play and stimulation. I can orgasm and its epic when I do, just have never found anyone prepared to go the distance...like everyone else is blissful and tired and helping the last person finish is boring. Despite having fun during the play, I'm the only one left unfinished and feeling inadequate. 

Whaaaaa, we love finishing off the last person. Find people who do! So many wonderful tidbits of advice here I do hope something pans out for you. My husband & I have several couples we have multisex with and there is always someone who needs a lot more, we all pitch in and do whatever we can to assist. For me when I am tired I always need extra help and having a penis in my front and my backside tend to eventually get me off, even when exhausted. So dp is the answer for me, or and time of multiple play. I have been eaten and done anally which works wonders for me, vibed anally and tongued is crazy, but still two penises at a time even three with oral does the trick.  I do prefer dp and watching sex acts up close for my best orgasms. These are just experiences you might wish to try. You will have to most likely train people on how to do this well, it does not come naturally for most, but oh so worth all the effort!!! If you are in our area we might ever can help you once all this covid mess is under control. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Not broken, just different and that's just fine. Either the people we play with understand that, or we don't play with them anymore. If the people you are playing with feel differently...we'll leave the light on for you.

[ROCKlandCpl 451]

I don’t always orgasm doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex with orgasm. I know it frustrates my husband and after all these years I know it still bothers him even if he stopped asking. Sex feels great and I don’t need to have an orgasm to make it worth it. At home we can play for hours, different positions and sometimes I will and sometimes I don’t. 

My first bi experience was with a very nice couple. Nerves really played on my head. Meeting them even if it were our choice was one of the most nervous thing I ever did. Other than a doctor no person has touched me there since we were dating. My husband took a video on his phone of the first. I only remembered some of what I later watched. She was very nice always asking if I was liking it. I don’t remember becoming stiff and locking my legs and then somewhat loosening up. Only from the video did I know I was touching myself with her hand on top of mine. I also saw my reaction to her really touching, my eyes closed and when she used her mouth I took a very deep breath. I say I didn’t orgasm even if it looked like I did on the video. If I did or didn’t there was no asking, only did I enjoy. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Quote

I don’t always orgasm doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex with orgasm. I know it frustrates my husband and after all these years I know it still bothers him even if he stopped asking. Sex feels great and I don’t need to have an orgasm to make it worth it. At home we can play for hours, different positions and sometimes I will and sometimes I don’t. 

Been there and know exactly what you are saying. Doesn't make it any less fun...

[VanillaBeen 21]

My wife had to have an emergency hysterectomy, sending her into a post menopausal condition. She suffered with no libido, no orgasms, etc...It was difficult to find a doctor who would prescribe estrogen. She finally got on it and was back to normal(YAHOO!). Maybe you should see an endocrinologists and have bloodwork done. Just throwing guesses out there. 

[Numex 2,416]

On 1/7/2021 at 2:05 PM, Blue_au said:

I can cum, it just takes a really long time and when it happens, its epic.

For me, that would be a challenge that I would love to take on.  It seems like you are a wonderful person to go on such an adventure with. 

[ALCurious 5]

I don't know if this is helpful, but in case it is I'll share.

 

What I think is generally missing in our culture from discussions and portrayals of sexuality (especially with respect to a woman's sexuality) is the element of desire. We talk a lot about mechanics and pleasure but relatively little conscious attention is given to desire. For me, and I believe for others as well (although I'm not in anyone else's head) desire is the starting point and the most important ingredient of sexuality. Pleasure is nice and all but without desire what's the point really? 

 

So for me all of the best/most pleasurable sexual experiences have been when my desire has been at it's highest levels. I don't even really think in terms of pleasure anymore - I just go for what I WANT and then trust that the pleasure will happen (to varying degrees, which is the nature of things) as an organic result of increasing, obtaining and ultimately fulfilling that desire.  In other words, I try to get as turned on as possible and do all the things I really crave, pleasure/orgasm is a secondary consideration.

 

Good luck, I hope you find some answers that help.

 

 

[Numex 2,416]

8 hours ago, ALCurious said:

So for me all of the best/most pleasurable sexual experiences have been when my desire has been at it's highest levels.

Good point.  I can't tell if you are the man or woman posting, but what you write is especially true for women.  Men can almost always do, and enjoy, the mechanical fuck.  Women need something more, even if it's non-romantic, fun sex.  My observations have been that when they do get that little more attraction, desire as you phrase it, women end up having more intense orgasms and enjoying sex much more than the quick pop men have.  It can keep going at a height for quite a while. 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Numex

[ALCurious 5]

16 hours ago, Numex said:

Good point.  I can't tell if you are the man or woman posting, but what you write is especially true for women.  Men can almost always do, and enjoy, the mechanical fuck.  Women need something more, even if it's non-romantic, fun sex.  My observations have been that when they do get that little more attraction, desire as you phrase it, women end up having more intense orgasms and enjoying sex much more than the quick pop men have.  It can keep going at a height for quite a while. 

I'm a guy! But yeah, I've definitely noticed that there are massive cultural pressures on women to suppress their own desires (which quite frankly sucks for men almost as much as it must for women, talk about a lose-lose). I can definitely orgasm without a lot of intellectual stimulation, but it's kinda pointless to me, because the times where I'm really into a woman and extremely turned on by her, feeling that intense passionate desire for and attraction to her beauty, are exponentially better on every level (physical, intellectual, emotional). 

 

So I definitely wouldn't go so far is to call it advice, but if that strikes a chord with you maybe consider ways in which you can heighten desire and put a greater emphasis on that (and really give yourself permission, which can me hard in our shame-inducing society). Thanks for responding too!

[couplers 4,640]

Let's get back to basics.  Why are we instilled with sexual desires?  To reproduce.  The most successful reproducers, the ones with the most successful sexual activities, are the ones that get their genes carried on.  For men that is fuck everything and drop your seeds everywhere.  For women, it is to find a sex partner that not only has good physical attributes (i.e., physical attractiveness), but also will take care of the resulting child.  So women look a little deeper.  That's why the men in my poly family are so appealing to me as sex partners, even after our years together, and why I and many other women don't mind if they are fucking someone else because I am confident that they will take care of me and my children.

 

We women do share a boyfriend as a side sex partner, however, with no emotional attachment other than he's a pleasant guy (he too is married, his wife knows and approves).  Lora, Clair, and I enjoy sex with him but knowing that we have our men back home to take care of us and any child that may result (theoretically/instinctually speaking) gives us that drive.

Edited February 3, 2021 by couplers