When others find out....

[mediccouple 45]

My husband and I are both first responders in a small town. We decided to start swinging a few months ago and we downloaded a couple apps and met some people etc etc.... I ended up sleeping with a few of them however word got out some way some how. We were cautious to meet people outside of our immediate area so i assume someone on the app was looking for the same sort of thing and ended up finding us and outing us to make them feel better about themselves. I want to know how you all deal with this sort of thing or if any of you have been through this. 

[lcmim 1,082]

We have not, but we have discussed this.

Answer vary from:

 Looking at them and asking "Where did you hear THAT."

Looking at them chuckling and say something to the tune of "I'll add that to my resume."

 

If they really insisted "Well do you?" I think I'd go up to them throw my arm over a shoulder and ask "Why? You interested?" followed by an evil chuckle.

 

[mediccouple 45]

LMAO this is why i love this community so much... i love how open everyone it. the way it should be!!!

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,391]

How bad did it get?  Were there compromising photos that showed your faces?  In what way did they out you?

We have a swingers profile and we are careful to be clothed in photos that show our faces, and we crop faces out of the naughty photos.  We feel like that gives us plausible deniability in the event some jerk tries to do the same to us.

Face pics are normally in private albums so somebody has to work at it for us to reveal them.  If somebody works that hard that pretty much proves they are into swinging too - or worse yet posers.  And being a poser on a swinger site is an akin to being the clothed gawker at the nude beach.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

19 minutes ago, mediccouple said:

My husband and I are both first responders in a small town. We decided to start swinging a few months ago and we downloaded a couple apps and met some people etc etc.... I ended up sleeping with a few of them however word got out some way some how. We were cautious to meet people outside of our immediate area so i assume someone on the app was looking for the same sort of thing and ended up finding us and outing us to make them feel better about themselves. I want to know how you all deal with this sort of thing or if any of you have been through this.

We live in a small town in a rural area in a state that is ultra religious and conservative. So we usually go to the nearest big city to play. We know local swingers and they know us. One couple, my wife babysat her back in the day. So we just don't play at home. Not that we wouldn't like too but you can't let the little head do the thinking for the big head. I have to admit that we do have tons of plasible deniability. Unless you knew you would never guess how really kinky we are. 

TBH I think I would just lie.... sorry but it's true. In certain areas this becoming common knowledge would be disastrous. Your entire family would be negativity affected.  So..... yeah I'm 2 faced but I still gotta live here.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Not exactly the same situation but, plenty of couples travel to Desire or attend sex clubs who are not couple-swapping swingers. They just enjoy the sexy vibe and like being around other sexy, open-minded, people. Probably one third of the people at Desire fall into this category. Point being, unless the people are in a play room with you - they really don't know what you are into...

Moreover, if you run into someone at a club, a resort, or online - they are there too; and certainly not by accident. You know each others secret and should treat it with respect. We ran into one of my students at a club - said hello, and went about our evening(s). We now smile just a smidge more when we bump into each other.

[lcmim 1,082]

Please note there is nothing in my previous answer that should be seen as a straight answer. Mostly I would just put it back on them.

 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

You cannot control what other people think. You cannot control what other people say. You cannot control what other people do. So long as your employment does not have some sort of morals clause that would be used to threaten you, how you and your spouse live your lives is up to you. Consensual non-monogamy is a choice. More specifically, it's your choice, and not theirs.

 

Three observations:

 

1. Marriage is declining as a priority for Americans. To the extent that marriage is somehow important, it is going to be (re)negotiated as a concept and practice.

2. Alternative lifestyle decisions that involve (for example) body art, body piercings, public nudity are becoming fairly mainstream. 

3. As a first responder in the time of COVID, you may be held to a higher expectation around potential transmission. That might not seem fair. (Get vaccinated if not already). 

[couplers 4,654]

Fortunately, we live in the liberal northeast.  Our poly family lives together with children in one residence.  Some folks at work have figured it out and I'm sure there is talk behind my back, but it's like when first two co-workers are rumored to be dating - everyone is interested in their sex life.  After they're out and get married, no one is interested any longer.  Same with us, when people figure it out or are told by someone who knows, it quickly loses its novelty value.

 

26 minutes ago, Fundamental Law said:

Alternative lifestyle decisions that involve (for example) body art, body piercings, public nudity are becoming fairly mainstream. 

There are women I work with who brag about sleeping around with different people, gays, Lesbians, a trans person, and someone who I can't figure out who he/she is or wants to be (think Kate McKinnon playing Justin Bieber on SNL) so I'm not so interesting any more living in long term relationships with two men and two other women.

 

3 hours ago, lcmim said:

Mostly I would just put it back on them.

Yes that, and play dumb (as in "what's the big deal?"), and happy.  That works for just about any annoying situation, you don't give them anything and it doesn't bother you.

 

[Idahocouple6969 294]

1 hour ago, Fundamental Law said:

So long as your employment does not have some sort of morals clause that would be used to threaten you, 

Gotta point out how life is in a conservative area. People here are employed at will. Employer can and do fire people because they feel like it. We have one of the lowest minimum wages in the country. People are routinely fired for affairs. We have no LS clubs because it's against the law: no more than 2 person shall be in an unclothed state in a building whether or not admission is charged. We have sodomy laws that are enforced. An ounce of marijuana will get you a mandatory $50,000 fine and a mandatory 20 year prison sentence without any chance of parole. Any hemp possession is treated the same as MJ.  You cannot sell liquor by the drink except within city limits and there is a strict number of license available.

So you can understand why we creep around and are extremely careful who we associate we still have to live here.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

48 minutes ago, Idahocouple6969 said:

So you can understand why we creep around and are extremely careful who we associate we still have to live here.

And yet human behaviors are the same the world over. Social norms define public behavior; biology defines what happens in private. You must love the area that you live in to adapt to such a harsh environment.

[Numex 2,420]

At least the punishments aren't as bad as Saudi Arabia. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Either go with the deny, deny, deny or the sarcastic 'SUUUUUURE we are' route. Either way, people are going to think what they want to think and you can't change that. I've always used the sarcasm route and even primed the pump (What are you doing this weekend? Wild orgy with a dozen friends, you know, the usual). Everyone chuckles and they go away thinking, SUUUURE you are. 

[shy_couple 459]

On 1/26/2021 at 11:59 AM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

How bad did it get?  Were there compromising photos that showed your faces?  In what way did they out you?

We have a swingers profile and we are careful to be clothed in photos that show our faces, and we crop faces out of the naughty photos.  We feel like that gives us plausible deniability in the event some jerk tries to do the same to us.

Face pics are normally in private albums so somebody has to work at it for us to reveal them.  If somebody works that hard that pretty much proves they are into swinging too - or worse yet posers.  And being a poser on a swinger site is an akin to being the clothed gawker at the nude beach.

We are definitely using the same play book!

 

nude = no face pic

face pic = no nudity or sex

face pic = only private gallery 

 

no trading pics thru email/text

 

Keep in mind, even though most lifestyle sites don’t allow you to right click and save an image, pretty much any electronic device will allow a screen capture of some sort.

[ShyCouple1019 17]

First, thank you for being First Responders. Mrs here, I say everyone should support you and you do whatever you want ?, while many of us are working "remotely" (multitasking work & websites).   Sincerely though, we feel the same, and though we know that we are committed and would never hurt anyone, I just don't want to have to explain it. Anyways, your first responder note is what caught my eye.  You deserve to have fun and be YOU!!  

[mediccouple 45]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice! Things didnt get to out of hand regarding pictures or proof etc but more so rumors and a few people we know asking us out right. One person that asked was a friend of ours and we were honest and the others we just sort of ignored or didnt engage. The imaturity of others amazes me sometimes however we keep at it because its something we enjoy and is such a stress reliever at times. With the current pandemic it is hard to make things work more safely however we take the up most issue with safety. who knew with the obvious potential stress points of this lifestyle that this would be one of the biggest first issues my husband and i had to address. 

[Numex 2,420]

We haven't had to deal with this, we're in a closed group of other married couples.  In thinking about it, however, if someone approached me and said they heard that my wife fucks other men with my knowledge and consent, I would be proud to admit I have such a wife.  My feeling would be that they're jealous of our arrangement and the fun we have. 

 

(In reality, however, until society changes and progresses, I would likely deny, deny.  Sad.)

[couplers 4,654]

3 hours ago, Numex said:

if someone approached me and said they heard that my wife fucks other men with my knowledge and consent

Since we are still friendly with the women that I set up hubby to play with during that phase of ours some time back, I like getting together with them, like for lunch.  The topic itself doesn't have to come up, but it turns me on sitting there knowing that she slept with my husband.  I'm not embarrassed, I feel good about it.

 

The dynamic is even hotter with the one woman who is now married and we get together socially with her and her husband.  He knows, I know, yet we sit there talking as if it doesn't matter that our spouses had sex with one another.  In a way, it doesn't matter; in another way it matters a lot.