Old FWB still trying to get me back 2 years later

[SwingcoupleHB 15]

I’m a married woman. My husband and I have been a couple for almost 20 years. We have been swinging since the very beginning and are very familiar with the lifestyle. We ebb and flow and sometimes we are more into the lifestyle than others just depending on our life demands at the time. When we first started exploring the lifestyle we had some strong boundaries that we followed, but as the years went on we became more comfortable and confident and my husband felt as if we could take away some of our previous agreed on boundaries. 
 

Two years ago after having my last child we were stuck in a brand new state and didn’t know many people or trust anyone to babysit our three kids so we decided to try out the hotwife lifestyle (husbands idea) I went out with a lot of guys, which was fun, but also found no one who got me really excited. Finally I met a friend through a friend and I knew I instantly wanted to have sex with him. I told my husband. We were all turned on and it started off great. I told this new guy I was looking for a no string attached situation for sex only. Someone who could help my husband and I live out some of our fantasy’s with. 
 

We instantly clicked, he made me cum every time we were together and he would text me every couple days. I was a stay at home mom and it was fun to get flirty/sexy messages during the day. My husband told me “no boundaries “ but that if he get uncomfortable he would tell me. So we continued to talk, had sex alone at my friends house and other times we’d invite him over for mfm fun with my husband and I. 
 

Three months of hot sex went on, until my husband started feeling uncomfortable with some things that had come up. Arguments between my husband and I started happening and miscommunications. Finally we agreed it was time to let my new friend go. I told him and all was good. About a month later my fwb came back pleading for me to take him back and let him have another chance. I explained to my husband how he contacted me and I told him what he said. My husband said “let’s start over with a clean slate”.

The next year or so it was a big mess. It was my husband saying ok to me sleeping with my friend(I found out later he only said ok because he wanted me to be happy) and then my husband would be upset with me. I probably told my fwb 6 different times that we had to cut the friendship off, only for him to somehow keep coming back to me. I know he had other sexual partners at the time, but he told me he didn’t want to loose me and I was the kinkiest girl he’d ever been with. I loved the sex we had, he was the only other guy who could make me cum(other than my husband) and there was something about him that made me feel really comfortable. Finally everything hit rock bottom, husband was over the entire situation, I was realizing it had gotten to a really unhealthy point and I was scared to loose my bond and marriage, so I put my foot down for good this time. The same day I told my FWB that it was over for good, he told me he had just found out his mom died. I was sad I had to break that to him on a day he found out his mom died and was torn between staying around to support my friend I’d had for the past year and a half or to just ghost him completely. I felt terrible, but I was also close to loosing my marriage. Anyway now it’s been two and a half years since that day and since then he has tried to reach out to me multiple times. He’s been trying to keep me close, he’s been going to clubs that he knows my husband and I go to, and he found a new fwb girl and told me all about her(I told him I was very happy he found her, which I was, because it took pressure off of me) 

 

Basically were at a point where my husband does not approve of me even responding to him, which I understand completely. It was a very bad situation and I’m glad I’ve gotten over it. 

Last week he texted me out of nowhere with a video of a girl he had sex with. It was a video of him fisting her. When we were having sex together that was one of our kinks we explored together. I was happy for him to find a girl who was willing to explore that with him since I know he really liked it. He said it was fun but that she didn’t do it the same way as me. He said with me I just let him do whatever and didn’t run away like the girl he was with. Then he went on to tell me despite all the girls he has and has been with since me, I am still his favorite. He also mentioned cloning his dick with this dick cloning kit and giving it to me. 
 

Why won’t he leave me alone? Why would a guy who only wants sex, and gets sex from multiple girls, still be chasing me after 2.5 years? Could it really be because I was the kinkiest? He claims it’s only sex, but would a guy keep trying this long if it’s only for sex?

 

Anybody ever been in a similar situation? All my friends are vanilla and I have no one to vent this out to. My husband is way beyond over this situation and I’m still scratching my head about this guys behavior. 
 

  

[lcmim 1,082]

"Why would a guy who only wants sex, and gets sex from multiple girls, still be chasing me after 2.5 years?"

 

Maybe because you told him no? 

 

Some guys especially the competitive ones don't deal well with that.

What was it your husband objected to?

 

[SwingcoupleHB 15]

17 minutes ago, lcmim said:

"Why would a guy who only wants sex, and gets sex from multiple girls, still be chasing me after 2.5 years?"

 

Maybe because you told him no? 

 

Some guys especially the competitive ones don't deal well with that.

What was it your husband objected to?

 

Possibly. For so long though? Is it all a game to him? There is no denying the sex was really good....

 

There were a few things that made my husband uncomfortable. He told me when we were having our mfm he felt like my body was  “naturally drawn” to my friend over his. I do not remember it that way personally. I was under the impression that I was putting on a show for my husband and he’s always been turned on by that in the past. Maybe that was the start of his insecurities with my FWB, I’m not sure ? Second issue was there was a night that my fwb wanted me to come to his house to have sex and after I told my husband about it, my husband said he’d prefer to have him come to our house. I mentioned it to my fwb and when he said he couldn’t do that(I forget the reasoning) I made plans to go to his house and I asked/let my husband know. Husband got offended because I “chose my friends wants over his”. That was when he told me he felt uncomfortable with our friendship and wanted to call it quits. I agreed and I called it quits with my friend. I was a little upset because other than those two issues, everything had been so much fun, and it was the first time I found a guy who made me feel comfortable and could pleasure and get me off. After MANY years in the lifestyle. 
 

Later after accepting him back he did do some questionable things. When we’d have sex alone he’d hold me down and fuck me and tell me that I “was his” ?That was when I realized maybe it was crossing my personal boundaries as well, and we ended it for good. 
 

He’s going to the  same swing club we go to now and I’m worried about running in to him and it being awkward.

 

This last week he sent a text with a sex video. I did respond to him even though I’ve been good about ignoring it. I thought he’d be over it by now since there’s been so much time in between and I commented back about the video he sent in a friendly manner only for him to start to try and reel me in again. 
 

I introduced him to the lifestyle and he said I was the most fun and open minded  girl he’s ever been with. 
 

I don’t know why I’m posting about this. It’s been a rough last couple years due to this situation. My husband and I spent a lot of time getting our relationship back on track and we’re both finally back to where we were before we met him. I guess I just needed to let it out, see if this is a situation I can avoid in the future because we are both very much still turned on by the hotwife kink, but the thought of going through something like that again is daunting.

 

[njbm 2,871]

We swing together. Sometimes separate rooms in our house or a house party, but we are in the same locale at the same time. I think that swinging separately can lead to trouble. But even swinging together, we have had to let a couple of couples go because the husband thought my wife was their girlfriend. This hobby has its risks. 

[SwingcoupleHB 15]

1 hour ago, njbm said:

We swing together. Sometimes separate rooms in our house or a house party, but we are in the same locale at the same time. I think that swinging separately can lead to trouble. But even swinging together, we have had to let a couple of couples go because the husband thought my wife was their girlfriend. This hobby has its risks. 

Yeah, we figured that out the hard way unfortunately. Lol We are definitely ready to get back at it though, just with newfound boundaries in place  ?

[adamgunn 1,460]

Just block him . . . If you run into him at a club, ignore him. 

[Numex 2,416]

3 hours ago, adamgunn said:

Just block him . . . If you run into him at a club, ignore him. 

We all, including my wife and I, are into the lifestyle for the fun.  Why ruin it with this drama?  This guy is not making your collective situation better, so move on.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

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I told this new guy I was looking for a no string attached situation for sex only.

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Three months of hot sex went on, until my husband started feeling uncomfortable with some things that had come up. Arguments between my husband and I started happening and miscommunications. Finally we agreed it was time to let my new friend go... About a month later my fwb came back pleading for me to take him back and let him have another chance.

Going into this you both KNEW it was NSA, but at some point, HE forgot this and attached strings. Him coming back 'pleading' should have told you this.

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It was my husband saying ok to me sleeping with my friend(I found out later he only said ok because he wanted me to be happy) and then my husband would be upset with me.

Saw this coming a mile away. Our partners usually want us to be happy and so, unless the lines of communication are completely open, they have the tendency to say what we want to hear instead of what they want to say. Just a reminder for all of us, OUR PARTNER COMES FIRST, ALWAYS. Also, if this was truly just a FWB on your side, you wouldn't keep talking with him as well. You also have some feelings for him and he knows that.

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The same day I told my FWB that it was over for good, he told me he had just found out his mom died.

Did he tell you this BEFORE you told him it was over, or after? Sounds like he was going for your sympathy.

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He’s been trying to keep me close, he’s been going to clubs that he knows my husband and I go to, and he found a new fwb girl and told me all about her(I told him I was very happy he found her, which I was, because it took pressure off of me) 

This is beginning to really wave the :redflag:. You really should have blocked him a long time ago. That you keep communicating with him lets him think that there's still a chance for him. BTW, the new FWB might have also been an attempt to make you jealous.

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He said it was fun but that she didn’t do it the same way as me.

Read: I would rather have you.

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Why won’t he leave me alone?

Because he would rather have you and you keep giving him the feeling that there is a chance by talking with him. How do I know? Well, while it didn't involve swinging, I was the guy in this same situation. We couldn't be together because of distances and I was in a loveless marriage where I was staying for my son, but every now and then we would still talk so I knew she also still had feelings towards me. She had even eventually gotten married, but we would still talk and I kept thinking maybe someday we would be together. It wasn't healthy for her and it sure wasn't healthy for me. Eventually I had to block her so I could move on with my life instead of being stuck hoping for something that was a fantasy in my mind. It was a dark time of my life and very hard to do, but it was the right thing to do.

Quote

Later after accepting him back he did do some questionable things. When we’d have sex alone he’d hold me down and fuck me and tell me that I “was his” ?That was when I realized maybe it was crossing my personal boundaries as well, and we ended it for good. 
 

He’s going to the  same swing club we go to now and I’m worried about running in to him and it being awkward.

 

This last week he sent a text with a sex video. I did respond to him even though I’ve been good about ignoring it. I thought he’d be over it by now since there’s been so much time in between and I commented back about the video he sent in a friendly manner only for him to start to try and reel me in again. 

You really should be worried. Block him and move on with your life and your husband. Remember, this will only hurt your husband more if things continue. If you do run into him, just ignore him and if he presses you, be polite but explain that it was fun but now it's over and leave. Even in the best case, nothing good will come out of this, and that's the BEST CASE. The worst case...is scary. 

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It’s been a rough last couple years due to this situation. My husband and I spent a lot of time getting our relationship back on track and we’re both finally back to where we were before we met him.

Congratulations to the both of you. Keep things going between the two of you, but DON"T end up back were you started by letting this other guy back in. No matter what you may say, there are some feelings between the both of you, but you need to put an end to it. Block him and move forward with your husband. Good luck and I wish you the best.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

IMO you are leading him on, I know you are trying to be nice. But you know this is heading for a crash and burn. Just by what you have said  I really think you already know that.

We really don't have many rules. But the one we  we follow religiously is if one of us doesn't like it for whatever reason. It stops then and there. No playing, no texting, sexting or communication. I don't mean that we pretend it didn't happen we will probably talk it to death between each other. 

IMO you need to block, ignore and cut off this person entirely. You are going to destroy your relationship. We have run into people in our group that one of us can't stand for some reason. And we respect that opinion. Even if we don't agree. We just ignore them.  For us this is something fun (ok and naughty) for us to do. If one is uncomfortable then both of us are.  

[SwingcoupleHB 15]

On 1/29/2021 at 9:38 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Congratulations to the both of you. Keep things going between the two of you, but DON"T end up back were you started by letting this other guy back in. No matter what you may say, there are some feelings between the both of you, but you need to put an end to it. Block him and move forward with your husband. Good luck and I wish you the best.

I appreciate you sharing your personal experience and advice. I haven’t had too many people I could talk to about this, so I appreciate it.  He’s been blocked and luckily we’re moving out of state in a couple months, which also helps with the swing club issue. Thanks for the response!

[couplers 4,640]

On 1/28/2021 at 2:06 PM, SwingcoupleHB said:

Anybody ever been in a similar situation? ... My husband is way beyond over this situation and I’m still scratching my head about this guys behavior. 

Perhaps for us women it's because we are unwilling to give up on a situation, always thinking that we can fix it for everyone.  As I've told before, long ago I was in a strictly sexual relationship (having a husband and boyfriend I thought that I was hot stuff and could handle anything) that didn't go well (unsatisfying sex) for me.  Yet I kept at it thinking I could fix it and make it work.  Fortunately, my wise and patient husband said, "Petra, it's not your responsibility to make everything right."  I moved on and didn't regret it, or in retrospect, the learning experience.

Edited January 31, 2021 by couplers

[njbm 2,871]

I think alot of people hang onto certain relationships for too long. My wife says inertia is a powerful force. 

Edited January 31, 2021 by njbm

[couplers 4,640]

20 hours ago, njbm said:

I think alot of people hang onto certain relationships for too long. My wife says inertia is a powerful force. 

For me, one of the most difficult decisions in life, whether it is in your career or personal relationships, is when to persist and when to move on.  No one wants to be a quitter, but no one wants to be a fool either.  And the question is not only whether the goal is impossible and the effort totally futile, but also if it is worth the cost, despite what you've already invested.  It takes a wise person to evaluate the situation objectively and make the decision because the answer is not always clear, even in hindsight.

[njbm 2,871]

8 hours ago, couplers said:

For me, one of the most difficult decisions in life, whether it is in your career or personal relationships, is when to persist and when to move on.  No one wants to be a quitter, but no one wants to be a fool either.  And the question is not only whether the goal is impossible and the effort totally futile, but also if it is worth the cost, despite what you've already invested.  It takes a wise person to evaluate the situation objectively and make the decision because the answer is not always clear, even in hindsight.

Very accurate  and absolutely true. Not only is it difficult to know when to end a relationship in real time, even in retrospect the answer may not be clear. Human affairs are a matter of gray, not black and white, most times. Sometimes the answer is in capital letters on a billboard. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

You're doing the right thing. Don't look back and just keep moving forward (kind of ironic since your profile image is you looking over your shoulder, but it IS a beautiful back side that we get to see). Let us know how things are going and we're always here if you need the help or support.

[WesternSwing 504]

My Spidey-sense is tingling. I think you're right cutting-off all communication with him. You've asked him politely in the past to not contact you anymore and he hasn't respected that, so what would make him respect any other boundaries with your husband and your marriage? I think it's time to block his phone number and email address. 

[SwingcoupleHB 15]

Thank you everyone!!!! So much!! Even though I knew this in my head and heart, it really helps hearing from other people. Also allows me to get some of this off my chest. Its been over two years of dealing with this and my husband and I are finally at a good place after a lot of heartache, pain, and hard work getting our relationship back to where it was before this. I’ll definitely keep moving in the right direction. I think part of the problem was that I got attached to him and his friendship as well. This reinforces the idea that boundaries are needed moving forward.  I regretted responding to his text immediately after I did. Made me feel sick. Knowing we’ll be moving to a new state in a few months definitely makes it easier to just put it all in the past . Thanks so much, I didn’t know what I was seeking by posting to  this forum, but it really helped reiterate what needed to be done. Thanks again!

[couplers 4,640]

1 hour ago, SwingcoupleHB said:

it really helped reiterate what needed to be done.

 

On 1/28/2021 at 2:06 PM, SwingcoupleHB said:

My husband and I ... have been swinging since the very beginning and are very familiar with the lifestyle.

It makes sense to give up on this guy, but please don't give up on the lifestyle.

[SwingcoupleHB 15]

32 minutes ago, couplers said:

 

It makes sense to give up on this guy, but please don't give up on the lifestyle.

We aren’t! Even in the midst of the worst of this situation, my husband and I both agreed it wasn’t the lifestyle that caused this to happen, just a big eye opener and lesson that boundaries were needed In the future. It was a mistake for us to go into it so causally. I think since we have done this for so long and we haven’t had any issues so far, we were just overly confident and didn’t realize that could happen to us. We all played a part in why things went bad and we all learned a lesson I think....

[luv2was 117]

On 1/28/2021 at 1:06 PM, SwingcoupleHB said:

... I was also close to loosing my marriage....

If this person cares for you so little, an so selfishly, that they cannot respect your marriage, the the path seems quite clear to me.

 

Cut them loose, by whatever means necessary.  It seems to me that you will have much more to gain, than loose, by doing so.

 

Just my humble observation.

 

[njbm 2,871]

My sister broke up with her vanilla boyfriend of five years. He keeps reaching out to her. He was texting daily after the breakup. She blocked his phone, email, Facebook. He sent her expensive flowers twice, a long letter in his Valentines Day card (six weeks post breakup). And several other unwanted contacts, including with many of her friends and relatives. 
 

She really wants no part of him, he had a couple of explosive anger incidents that contributed to the breakup. She is starting to feel stalked. I think she will file a report with the local police, but no charges unless he keeps contacting her. Some people do not take no for an answer. It’s over when they say it’s over. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

5 minutes ago, njbm said:

It’s over when they say it’s over. 

Or when the judge throws their ass in jail for violating the restraining order . . .

[njbm 2,871]

1 hour ago, adamgunn said:

Or when the judge throws their ass in jail for violating the restraining order . . .

Upcoming shortly. My sister is giving it one more week for two weeks of silence. My brother and I suspect he will resurface at some point. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

...you don't know what you've got until its gone...then you want it back. I suspect he will reappear as well. Just have her stick to her guns.

[Numex 2,416]

On 2/19/2021 at 12:06 PM, njbm said:

He keeps reaching out to her. He was texting daily after the breakup... He sent her expensive flowers twice, a long letter in his Valentines Day card (six weeks post breakup). And several other unwanted contacts

I never understood that mentality.  If a woman isn't interested in me, I'm just not interested in her.  For her to turn me on, it has to be mutual.  I wouldn't have a good time if I dragged someone to golf with me who hated golf.  Same idea. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Numex